No Nuptials, No Nookie! (Part 1)
The indulgence of pleasing a woman’s erogenous zones are just as important to women as it is men; we just need men to understand that its even more so important to please us mentally.
“The key to opening a man’s heart is to understand that, in intimacy, the masculine essence usually values the gift of life energy more than the gift of emotional presence. Life-energy–expressed sexually and as bodily radiance– is SO valued that many men have left a woman they deeply love for a woman whom with they can flow more deeply in sexual passion” -David Deida
David Deida is an American author who writes about the sexual and spiritual relationship between men and women. He’s written and sold some very thought provoking books that have been published in 25 languages. He focuses on conducting spiritual growth and intimacy workshops, and just happens to be one of the many founding associates at the Integral Institute. He’s conducted research and taught classes at the University of California at Santa Cruz, Lexington Institute in Boston, San Jose State University and Ecole Polytechnique in Paris; and he’s authored numerous essays, articles, and books on human spirituality including “The Way of the Superior Man, Finding God Through Sex and Blue Truth” and the autobiographical novel “Wild Nights“. All books in which I plan on reading.
After receiving the 1974 National Writing Award, Deida was admitted to the Florida Scholars Program at the University of Florida; where he founded the Plexus Interdisciplinary Center, researching medicine at Shands Hospital, The University of Florida. And in 1982, he graduated Phi Beta Kappa from the University of Florida with a bachelor’s in Theoretical Psychobiology. That same year, he was granted a fellowship at the Laboratory for Theoretical Neuroscience at the University of California, San Diego Medical School; and he conducted research in the ontogeny of self/non-self boundaries and the evolution of the nervous system and its relationship to space-time dimensionality.
Can we say “Jimmy Neutron” of the human sexual behavior world?
Now, this is one smart cat; and I take everything he has to says as well as ALL the conclusions he’s reached from extensive study at face value. With impressive credentials such as his, this man could probably tell us that the moon is red and we’d believe him. But I bring him forward because I feel the statement he made in regards to male sexuality has been taken out of context by some men seeking to justify an over exaggeration of male lust for the female species. I say this because I’ve engaged in some very interesting and heavily debated conversations with many of men who quote Mr. Deida faithfully, with out getting a better understanding behind the reasoning or basis of his studies. I think that these men tend to be more caught up in the sexual aspect of this statement, in relation to their individual experience with their own masculinity, that I honestly feel they miss the entire message.
But then again, people only take what they want from a statement, the results in a scientific study, or scriptures in the bible to assist with building a sturdy foundation for an argument, that’s linked loosely to their individuals interpretations of the world around them.
What I think Mr. Deida Means (From A Woman’s Prospective)
Some men mistakenly assume that Mr. Deida is justifying engaging in premarital sex with the listed statement above. Their logic tells them that this statement is powered more so by their over-wheleming need to satisfy lustful, sexual urges and less to express their love for one woman. At least not right way.
Sex for the average woman is tricky, for the simple fact that when our bodies are being used as an of expression of love or physical attraction we have a lot more to lose should the relationship go sour. Everything from or healthy, to our sanity, emotions and even our reputation is as stake when giving ourselves to man. And that’s based upon the assumption that a woman who’s giving herself to a man is “technically” in a relationship with the man in which she deems worthy of her feminine essence.
I speak from personal experience when I say that I (and many other women) have made the mistake of assuming that in giving my love (physically, emotionally and sexually) to a man I cared for deeply; he would freely release an equal reciprocation of love and affection unto me. I thought that if I gave myself too him, two hearts would become one and we’d live our lives like James and Florida Evans sustained by true Ghetto love.
But DAM! DAM! DAM JAMES! To my dismay, I was either left for another woman who demonstrated less sexual restrictions and moral standards than I (that proper folks talk for “She’s a Super freak”), or the thrill of engaging in the physical expression with someone new (me) had worn off, and he was now seeking the next ‘big adventure’. He’d got what he wanted, the chase was over, onto the next episode. I blame this irrational form of affection on the fact that so many men use the act of sex as a means of recreational release; and less as an expression of love itself.
Now, this is not to say that all men are guilty of this. There are men who are just as in tune with their woman’s sexual needs as she is into his; but for a man who’s not really serious about the women he beds either on occasion or during spontaneous encounters; expressing his love for her is the furtherest thing from his mind during the act of sex. Sure, as he gains experience; he may prefect various techniques, which can be mistaken as a form of love in physical expression by the woman (or women) in which he pleases. But I assure you that a man who has or is seeking to have many (physical) lovers he’s not in love with the women he lays with.
Men Love Sex….Well, So Do Women!
Yes! Its a proven fact that men love sex. I think there’s not a soul on the face of this earth will deny that sex itself is an important factor in a relationship/marriage for man. But the fact of the matter is, women love sex too! And because we too enjoy the act, there tends to be this double standard placed upon our sexuality over that of a mans. Thus as women (the ‘assumed’ more emotionally fragile creatures) we have to be more selective and careful in whom we give our bodies too.
Think about it?
For women, or most women I know personally, to engage in the act of freely giving her mind, body and soul to a man is a cherished, honorable, virtuous, and genuine expression of love. We’re taught to be chastened virgins prior to marriage; only allowing our first sexual experience to be limited to our future husbands. Even though many women don’t hold true to this tradition, we’re still held more accountable for the consequences that follows the act over all.
Example:
Some men simply enjoy engaging in the act of life procreation (that’s the fun part because it feels good); but they despise the end result of an unwanted pregnancy. She’s respected his desires by having sex, but she’s seen as devious, scandalous and a ‘wretched’ if she choses to have the child against his wishes.
You’re trying to ‘take him for his paper’ because you’re taking him to court to ensure he pays for the child he assist with creating.
Thus the option of birth control or choosing to abstain from sex over all is always placed upon the woman’s shoulders. Because the second she makes it known to that man (who wanted to express his love for her sexually) that she’s pregnant, her love status in his eyes has changed. For some men she’s no longer physically appealing; the changes in her body during the pregnancy renders her physically unattractive, and her mood swings in relation to her hormones can (in most cases does) lead him to ‘need his space’. Prior to the pregnancy you where ready to show your “love” frequently. But now that you’ve created life you need your space.
Or
If a woman’s heart is broken by a man who used sex as an expression of love; its her fault that she “gave it up” too soon. The woman is the individual force to take the walk of shame when its found that she’s been unknowingly added to a menagerie of female figurines; used for a mans sexual pleasure. She may not have had knowledge his true intentions for her; she had no idea that he was secretly positioning her to be added to his harem. Heck, he may have possibly made her feel like she’s the only woman in the world for him; by spending quality time, purchasing gifts, paying for trips and the such. All the while he’s engaging in a balancing act of tending to her needs
As well as the cute cashier at Wal Mart
And the secretary at his doctors office
And one of the single mother who’s son plays on the pee-wee league football team that he coaches.
Some men tend to pride themselves on the number of women in which they engage in sexual intercourse with; in relation to their ratings on a scale of 1 to 10 in the looks department. They rate their women based upon
- her body type (size and shape)
- her assets (T&A)
- her physical looks and facial features
- skin complexion and smoothness
- hair texture
- level of ‘freakiness’ (what is she willing to do for him sexually).
They calculate these things in a scoring system that gives them accolades or ‘cool points’ from other men. And these unknowing women are turned into sexual conquest that makes for good sex stories during “Poke-her” Game night while puffing a Cuban and sipping cognac. These men fail to see a woman beyond sex and beauty, because for them sex is not a form of expression in regards to his love for one woman; as much as its about about how many women he can get, how good do they look to him, will his boyz approve of her looks, and does she make him feel like “a man” during the act of sex. He attaches the value of his man-hood to his “man-hood”. Because his conquest defines who he is as a man, and how his male counter-parts sees him.
The responsibility of recognizing his game and weeding through the untruths he tells in pursuit of ‘tail’, rest heavily upon the shoulders of the women that he beds.
Thus women are forced to be very cautious about who they give their mind, bodies, time, heart and souls too; making it difficult for many of us to freely engage in sex with a man before marriage. Many women have been burned raw by the illusions of what we thought where the love of a man; or we’ve known of a close female friend, family member, or co-worker who’s exposed her heart break after finding she too was a conquest trophy. So WE have to find a delicate balance between the time frame in which we give ourselves too a man, should we chose to do so.
Some women chose the famed 90 day rule; which is nothing more than an abstract number made up by a famed retired stand up comedian (who’s a self-proclaimed reformed Womanizer turned Christian)
Some women chose to do so after the 3rd date
Some women chose to abstain until wedding night consecration.
Either chose leads a woman to play a deck of cards with a “Joker” concealed within the shuffle. We never know what our hand looks like when first meeting a man, and to be truthful we still don’t really know WHO he is even after 3 months of dating. I say this because my rule of thumb when dating is that it takes a good 3 to 6 months for a man to retire his ‘representative’ (the charming, thoughtful, sensitive man who’s professing his unyielding love for you); and the real “Him” show up and show out” (the bother that’s been waiting patiently to tap into your spine).
He just wants a “test drive”
For some men premarital sex is a means of ‘test driving’ a woman. Meaning he wants to engage in sexual intercourse with her with out having to legally commit unto her within the confinements of marriage. This option of tasting the milk with out buying the cow leads for a man to have room to breath easy in a relationship with a woman. It benefits him because he gets the wife experience with out having the legal constraints of having a wife.
The problem with some women is that many of us buy into this ‘test drive’ notion as being acceptable. Some of us have had men reject us because our legs where not easily spread with by their words of persuasion. Its too much work to get to know a woman who won’t give it up. And its not safe for insecure men to get to close to a woman that he can’t use for nothing more than sex. For if he spends to much time with you, getting to know you for who you are (beyond the bed room) that leaves him vulnerable to possibly falling for you and being open to emotional hurt. For men who chose the test drive method, they can hold YOU (the gullible woman) at bay by telling you what you want to hear; while waiting for something ‘better’. And with some men is always about what’s ‘better’ because they’re never satisfied with what they have (not until she’s gone). So he’ll put time and energy into
- Telling you he’s planning for your wedding; while telling everyone else he never had any intentions of getting married.
- Showing you the house he claims he’s saving money to purchase after marriage, yet refusing to save money and fix his credit to make that dream a reality.
- He tells you he loves you; but its only when your having sex.
And you continue to catch him in lies with different women that he claims are just friends; and you still don’t get it. So let me break down this ‘test drive’ for you good people. ”Test Drive” is nothing but ‘man code’ for
“I wanna sleep with you; and have you perform these ‘wifely’ duties (cooking, cleaning, washing his dirty draws) playing house; while he’s keeping my options open (just in case Beyonce leaves Jay-Z for me)”.
Our society tells women that closed legs don’t get a ring on it; thus so many women exchange knowledge of self worth’ for the sake of being able to say they have ‘a man’ at home.
Yea, you’ve got a ‘boo thang’, a new ‘bo’, or a sponsor who say’s you’re his ’5 Star chick’; but are you in a REAL relationship with him?
How does he act when you attempt to talk to him about your future together (marriage) vs. when you talk about having sex?
Have you been introduced as his girl, his girlfriend, or his wife to be (fiancé) within the last past 3 years?
So many women don’t understand that there’s a huge difference in having ‘a man’ and being kept by your future husband. Some women don’t understand that your future husband will wait for sex, because he knows that there’s more to you than just your sex. Your future husband wants to connect with you on a deeper level that surpasses the depths of your womb. “A man” doesn’t care about waiting, because to him, all you are is convenient sex. What you won’t give him, another woman will. He can dump you for someone else who’ll play house when you forget to stay in your place and attempt to move past the boundaries in which he sets for you as his play wife. While your future husband wants to get to know you for who you are and what you have to offer him in a marriage, as his partner and not as his long term girlfriend. He’s more interested in investing time in building a stable foundation for a REAL relationship (future marriage) with you that’s comprised of love, trust, honor and respect. For he (your future husband) understands that sex will come with marriage; and its enhanced by love; which constitutes ‘making love’ not just having sex. Your relationship to him is not just a ‘test drive’ is a commitment.
Where as ‘a man’ just wants you for what you can do for him sexually; which is no different than what he can get from any other woman willing to give it to him (and probably already is, while he’s with you!).
In Conclusion of Part 1 To this On Going Saga…..
Some men will never really fully grasp the concept of making love to a woman they love until they’re able to get closure from hurt in past relationships that have failed with other women (or one woman). Yea, I said it. Many men are merely fore filling an empty desire for companionship with a woman by engaging in an empty exchange of meaningless sex. These men think that have sex with different women will ease the discomfort he’s experiencing from unresolved relationship issues of his past.
May it be his need to find a ‘bed warmer’; i.e. A Pretty.Young.Thang that will rub his bald head and pat his wrinkly bottom in older age.
A ‘homieloverfriend’ that assist with filling the void he’s found within himself during a bitter divorce from his wife of many years.
Or a man that’s been burned raw by the heat of a heartbreak from a woman he allowed himself to be vulnerable too
The majority of issues men have in their current relationship with women is not her inability to give him the sex he lust for prior to marriage; and these issues will not be resolved until they finally acknowledged and get rid of the ‘emotional bags’ linked to the ghosts of girlfriends and wives past.
Honestly, before they event think about pursuing another woman they really need to
- Have a truthful heart to heart with themselves: Conduct an honest self-evluatoin of how YOU may have contributed to the dysfunction in your unions. Get to t he root cause of why you fail to engage in a healthy, happy relationship with a woman where sex is not just the focal point of her over all existence in you life.
- Figure out what went wrong with ‘that one‘ before starting something new with ‘this one‘.
- Give yourselves the time needed to grieve from your heart break: Yes! that also means being secure enough your man-hood that you’re able to break ‘man code’ and allow yourself the chance need to cry. Heal yourselves from the inside out of the current emotional wounds you’re nursing; prior to getting back into the dating game.
Why? Because men are every bit as much afraid of being alone as women are. NO MATTER how hard they try and deny this fact; men don’t do lonely well. This is why they mistaken sexual lust for a woman as equating to an expression of love. THEY think that laying up in the bed and getting in between a woman’s legs means that they’ve found love or that she loves them. Because they’re replacing their temporary sexual experience with the new ‘boo’ with the experiences they’ve had with their past lover (mainly the one who hurt them). And this leads many men to use sex as a weapon of choice when emotionally harming innocent women; based upon the actions of a woman in their past.
In order words ladies, while you’re laying on your back looking up at a the scorn man on top of you; he’s not seeing you, he’s seeing the woman who hurt him. And he’s punishing you for her actions by sub-conciouslly getting back at her though your vagina. He never really allowed himself the time he needed to get over what happened between him and ol’ girl. And honestly, some men don’t want to get over what happened with him and his ex. They want to live life stuck in a constant perpetual cycle of bitterness by making every woman pay for her past mistakes. His logic tells him that while he’s giving you the business, that some how hurts her (the woman who’s moved on) to know that another woman has taken her place.
So ladies, be careful with a man who’s more eager to show his love sexually, and less emotionally, mentally and psychologically. Any man who doesn’t desire nuptials, is not good enough for you to give him to nookie.
Steve Harvey Says I have A Gold Mine, and I Agree!
I was surfing facebook last night prior to going to bed as always. When I came across the facebook page of former comedian/radio personality Steve Harvey. Before I go any further, I want people to know that I like Steve; I don’t like his books, because to me personally I feel that the advice he gives women in regards to relationships is stuff that should be common sense. But I’ve followed his career from when he first started; and have cheerfully supported its transform through out the years. Well, while scrolling through his feed, this image jumped out at me. And immediately I liked it because I think it makes perfect sense.
I was under (what I’m assuming) was the mistaken impression that this statement serves as a reminder to women of how precious and priceless our bodies are.
I thought (and maybe I was wrong) that its saying to women, your body is your temple, and it can’t be bought, nor sold. Or that any man who seeks to find your treasures must first hold the key to your heart. Now, I know it sounds like something from a Walt Disney movie in todays age of “bag and tag” a dime piece for bragging rights; but I still think his message to women today is that we shouldn’t use our ‘cookie’ as bartering currency in exchange for goods and services.
At least that’s what my logical analysis told me 0_O?
I guess that maybe this isn’t what he was meaning by this statement, or it may be possible that my response to an individual poster wasn’t appreciated.
There was a woman (name shall remain anonymous) who’s response read something like this:
“that’s right ladies, that means that if you have a man and you’re working “it” right, your bills should be paid, food should be on the table, rent paid (not mortgage but rent), and you should have money in your pocket if your in a relationship with a man” (Not if you’re someone’s wife, but a relationship with ‘a man’)
It was clear that this woman was so proud of her response; I even imagined her smiling to herself as she typed her half-thought out justification for promoting self-prostitituion. There was even a few (misguided) women who disagreed with the posting, assuming that Steve and this woman (as well as many others) where echoing the same thought process.
One woman asked why do ‘we’ as a people (black folks) teach our daughters such non-sense; after a male subscriber pretty much came out and admitted that he feels any woman who believes that what she has is sacred treasure is not worth the time it takes to get it, because he can go and get it from someone more willing.
To men personally, seeing these people take that approach to this comment demonstrates the dysfunction between normalcy in the perceptions of female sexuality and appeal vs the projection of hyper-sexualality that we see daily of the female anatomy. Or is what I a many others assume to be normally (celibacy) an uncommon reality for most women?
I attribute the negativity that transpired on this thread to the following:
Disrespect:
Not only are women disrespecting and desecrating their bodies in pursuit of financial gains and fame, but there’s a surge in disrespect of black women from black men. Its evident in the constant video’s we see of black men beating black girls and women in clubs and on public busses, and the blatant disrespect for any black woman who’s not their idea of beauty that the black male posters mention where ready to tear apart any woman who agreed with the comment from a positive standpoint. I watched the drama unfold as regulars who where identified by female subscribers as trolls posted rude and crass comments about how women are of less value if they’re promiscuous, and how their ‘man-hood’ would be the key to unlock that ‘rusty dusty’ box as one man put it.
There’s nearly no love for a woman who values her body as being a gift to share between her husband and she; completely what many of us considered the holy trinity ordained by God (man, woman and child). We’ve some how subconsciously assisted with self-degredation by willingly perpetuating the need to be valued and validated base mostly upon sex and less upon love. Some of us women foolishly believe that the ‘better’ our sex is the more pleasing we are as a spouse for a sex-cracved male; who’ll in turn love and provide for us. Or, we think allowing him to ‘test drive’ our gears will show him that we’re the one he needs in his life, placing us above the rest of his side line chicks, dime pieces, jump off’s, baby mama(s), and booty buddies.
In todays society (mainly what I’ve seen within the African American community as of late) its become a negative if a woman choses to wait until marriage for intercourse. You’re seen as being a prude, selfish, or putting ‘it’ upon a pedal-stool; while making yourself unobtainable by most men. As a woman who choses to wait, I’ve learned that celibacy can do one of two things to many men today. It can
A. drive them away: They’d rather dump you and find a woman who’s willing to give them sex; yet complain later about having baby mama drama; STD’s and issues with crazy women. And you’d think they’d have the common sense to link their issues with women to the misuse of their genitals. But for some strange reason this is a rare epiphany.
B. teach them patients: Some men honestly appreciate a woman who’ll wait until marriage or take her time before having sex. These men appreciate a woman who’s more confident in getting to know him and herself, seeing if they’re emotionally compatable vs. hopping in the sack. But this type of virtuous woman is few and far in between, and these type of patient men are rare finds. Those of us who don’t just ‘do the do’ are like undiscovered dinosaur facile. It takes the careful uncovering of layers and years of emotional dirt pilled on one’s psychological being, as a result of past relationships and emotional baggage.
And In most cases that I’ve seen, most men of today chose A. This brand of disrespect becomes a game of casual dissing and mutual contempt towards any woman they’re unable to gain carnal knowledge of. And don’t be a woman who’s seeking more in a relationship than just providing him with a steady supply of sex, because now you’re labeled a stuck up, cold hearted, ice-queen; and stuck with being seen as a tease that’s a waste of his time. Some of the men in the thread took it a step further and started to insult the women whom where thinking the same as I; childishly resorting to name calling and making accusations of assumed under cover freaky sexual behavior, and fetishes with adult toys.
All that because we said we’d rather wait O_o?
You don’t even know me!
The “Beat Down”:
This could have two meanings within the African American community.
This could mean the fast growing rate of African American women who’re victims of physical, verbal, sexual and psychological abuse resorting to sex as a means of mental escape and comfort. Incidents of family violence within the African American family are at their highest; with the number one killer of African American women age 15 to 34 being dying at the hands of a lover or spouse.
African American women tend to experience a lack in intimacy in their unions with lovers and in many cases, the only time she feels safe or comfortable with her partner is during intercourse. Many African American women have been raised in homes where sex is used as conflict resolution, control, or as a means of self-gratification.
If she’s desired sexually then she feels complete as a woman and sees her self as being attractive and worthy enough for love.
If she gives in and gives him what he wants (satisfies his urges) there’s less of a chance of physical altercation
Or (as the woman stated) she’ll receive payment (money, bills/rent paid, gifts, cars and maybe even stardom).
This goes back to the emotional detachment that black men today experience with black women, leaving the only connection that many from the male species have with women is through sex.
Or it can mean that he ‘beat it up’. His or her sex is so good that it makes their loves become ‘drunk’ off their love making. Not realizing this assist with further incorporating the hyper-sexual mentality of black men and women that can be linked to slavery. Where black male slaves where used as ‘studs’ for breading live stock and black female slaves where used as ‘bed-warmers’ and sexual outlets for their slave owners, even for breading.
SOME black men (not all) find it difficult to stay faithful to one woman; thus creating the following mentality.
Keep an Ace In the Hole:
Infidelity within the African American community is a norm. Its advocated and highlighted in our songs, projected in mass media messaging, and “we” brag about sexual conquest while being unfaithful to a lover and/or spouse. Many African American women feel that if their ‘good good’ is so good, it will keep a man and act as their personal Gold Mine. Leading to career advancement, financial stability, fame and personal gains.
There are African American men who’re married to or dating one faithful woman, while having many ‘side-line’ jump off’s. These additional women pray on these unfaithful men by using their ‘good good’ to secure their future with a wealthy man (maybe even a married man) ensuring their needs are met.
Again, as advocated by the female poster; I’ve heard many African American men state that they have something on the ‘side’ ready just in case their main or ‘bottom’ acts up. Thus the additoinal woman/women benefit form the ‘Ace’ menaltiy demonstrated by some black men.
To hell with it
To be honest, I don’t know if I’m wrong or if I’m thinking to much (going to deep) into this posting. As a Virgo, I tend to over analzye darn near everything! But isn’t this statement speaking of the exact opposite of using what you’ve got to get what you want? I don’t know if its just me; but I thought that what Steve was saying is that as women “WE” should take responsibility over our bodies and our sexuality by not being so willing to give our ‘treasures’ away so freely. I thought (and maybe I’m wrong) that he’s telling women we must understand that there’s more to us as a people than what we can provide for a man sexually. We’re human beings that have dreams, goals and aspirations in life; and most importantly we desire (OR SHOULD DESIRE) to be loved for who we are as women and we should be patient enough to take our time when seeking to be found by a man who understands and respects the values and morals we project for ourselves.
I tried to go back and check on the colorful responses from the plethora of black folks who’d liked his page; but I discovered that I was removed; my comments in response to the other individuals posting was removed and many of the other comments that followed where removed. So I can just imagine the verbal feeding frenzy that was spawned during that “light hearted” conversation.
I’m not upset about it, after all its just facebook; so its not serious enough to go “H.A.M” and conduct a “e-thugh” drive-by posting to other users pages. Although the thought did cross my mind after reading some of the things being said. But I just chalked it up to being that awkward moment you feel when you say something that to you makes sense, while everyone else thinks its stupid.
All The Single Ladies!
I honestly don’t see anything wrong with waiting for a husband, nor allowing God (or what ever deity you worship) to bring you a spouse.
I saw a divorced individual mocking this picture in my facebook feed today, and I found it interesting that someone who’s no longer married would poke fun of women who’re doing their best to get marriage right the first time. Now, I want this individual and everyone else here to understand that I’m not trying to pic a fight with them, or poke fun, but I was very interested to know why they would do such a thing, when in all actuality, they may want to reconsider their strategy for finding (or being found by) love.
Because obviously their methods are not working.
Let’s be honest here, since we’re constantly reading these 50% of marriages end in divorce static’s being quoted on a regular, you would think that women who’re trying to do the right thing and wait for marriage to the right man would be be praised verse persecuted. But for some strange and un-explainable reason, members of society have skillfully mastered the art of ridiculing single women, while praising single men or even men who demonstrate the “married man, single man’s mentally” syndrome (meaning they’re unfaithfully married).
But I wanted to address a few things:
No, we’re not desperate…….well….not all of us.
Being a woman of faith who’s patiently waiting for her time to be chosen for love and marriage is not a sign of being a desperate, lonely, “man-hungry” woman in the body of Christ. I think I speak for many Christian women when I say we don’t sit around all day praying for God to bring us a ‘Godly Man’ and we don’t spend our days upon end consumed with the dreaded fact that we’re single. At least not the Christly women I know on a personal level. True, there are women in the church who fit this description, but there are women in the world (or worldly as we church folk call it) who’re no different.
We know who we are! We don’t need a man to define that for us.
I see so many women ‘settle’ for a man. The fear of simply being alone leaves many women so desperate and ‘thirsty’ for a man who they’re willing to put up with anything from any one, as long as they can say they ‘have a man’. Many of these women do so because they do not know who they are! They don’t know their purpose in life and they’re seeking a man that will assist in defining their self-worth while seeking personal validation. But as a woman who demonstrates total trust in the almighty to be blessed with a man after God’s heart (being kept by my husband); I feel that its my duty to understand who I am in Christ FIRST, knowing my worth and finding peace in Gods timing. I’ve learned by watching other people’s failed marriages and relationships that its best for me to wait on “Him” to work things out on my behalf, verses me trying to do permanent things with temporary people in my life.
For me personally, as a woman of faith, I know that my marital status has no bearing on my self-worth; which makes it easy for me to not have a problem with being single. I fully understand that I have to love myself first! Prior to allowing myself to be sought after by my future husband.
You can’t be happy with someone else in your life if you’re not happy with yourself.
Any woman can have ‘a man’ but it takes a real woman or a woman who’s confident in who she is (and in my opinion stead fast in her faith) to patiently wait to be kept by her husband.
So many people mistaken being devoted to one’s faith with being brainwashed and uneducated; based upon the debauchery we see amongst self-proclaimed Christians. But I want people to know that we’re not all one in the same!
I know plenty of Godly women personally (myself included) who understands that there’s more to life as a woman than being someone’s jump off, booty call, or ‘dime piece’ for show.
Many of us have arrived at the conclusion that in order to be found by love we must first love ourselves.
Unlike some women, I PERSONALLY DO NOT settle for less than what’s promised unto to me; which is a husband and not ‘a man’.
Any woman can have that!
My Preacher is not my Pimp!
Contrary to popular belief, I personally don’t need a Pope, Priest or Pastor to tell me my worth or act as a ‘medium’ between my God and I; because I’ve established a connection with him for myself, knowing who he is to me and how he operates in my life. My paster does nothing more than assist with me having a better understanding of my God’s word, but he’s not my God. Nor does he play “Captain Save’em” for me. As women of Christ, our over all being is not defined by if we have “a man” or not that’s ordained by another man who’s walk with Christ may possibly be just as conflicted as ours.
Most importantly we know that being married is a full-time responsibility that can not or should not be shared with just any ‘man’.
Being found by one’s husband takes time, patience and humility and faith; Thus, Christian women allow this time we have to ourselves to be used as Gods time to work on developing these traits. So that when our husbands do seek us; he’ll find a “good thing”. He’ll find a woman who’s been through so much with unfit men in her life, that’s she’s more appreciative of a Good Man that seeks to take her hand in marriage.
Some may say that this through process is that of a fairy tale or an unrealistic expectation. And if this theory is what works for them that’s fine! People can think what they may.
I personally believe that anyone who has this mentality (thinks its fairy tale idea) is an individual (man or woman) whom feel’s they’re not worthy of having such love. They fail to understand or incorporate the power of prayer, and they feel that what they’ve been given by past lovers is all they’ll ever experience with future lovers. I can’t do nothing for people who think like that, other than pray for them. But there’s so much power in patiently waiting for the right man/woman to be found by, or finding you!
“Cross…Alex Cross”
Why is supporting creativity that’s different from what we’ve seen in the past a bad thing?
A friend of mine on Facebook tagged me in a posting recently that featured Mr. Tyler Perry. A very controversial, influential public figure and house hold name within the African American community.
The posting read (and this is just a brief breakdown):
“If ALEX CROSS BOMBS at the box office (which it is destined to do) would it be safe to assume that TYLER PERRY will revert back to his comfort zone as a DRAG QUEEN? Did I say DRAG QUEEN? I meant MADEA?”
I giggled upon reading the posting, because I knew not to take it serious. He’s a good friend of mine and we tend to go back and forward with one another over Tyler and his movies, shows and plays constantly. Thus, in the spirit of humility and good humor, we engaged in a long thread posting discussing Mr. Perry’s newest venture.
People have asked me in the past “Why are you such a staunch supporter of Tyler Perry?”. They don’t understand why I stand firm in my stance that his creativity is unique to who he is, and that his success deserves to be celebrated within the African American community. The conversations I’ve had with people about Tyler have in most cases become heated, and sparked a passionate exchange of dialog that have lead people to accuse me of having a fetish for men in drag and even asked if Tyler Perry and I where having a secret love affair (that’s the nice way of putting it).
But I find peace in understanding that I can’t do anything more about their misguided assumptions other than let it go, because the ignorance of some people (mainly many black people) is in most cases irreversible.
Some of us are so caught up on placing labels and stereotyping others (one another) that we don’t realize we’re subconsciously engage in the same form of discrimination against one another that we feel is being projected upon us by the elite and privileged of our society.
And as I venture into authoring a book that high lights the African American communities inability to find the courage to come together and support one another, I feel that various key points need to be made about Mr. Tyler Perry and his success with the Medea Character, while making “us” as a people aware of how bitter, resentful and slanderous we look when we speak ill of a black man that’s worked hard to get to where he is at this point in life. Because I believe that when we see such madness; we’re witnessing first hand how that particular person is spending more time and energy ostracizing and being critical of an individual they hardly know, vrs. wishing the best and nothing but success for that same individual that has possibly done more for the black community than themselves.
I may not like nor support everything this man does; for example I don’t watch his sitcoms because for me personally they’re not funny. But I watch his plays and his movies and I strongly support his efforts as an African American in Hollywood, striving to bring forward opportunities to people of color in the industry that I seek to break into. His trials and tribulations will one day be my own when I make it known that I put God first in my life and that my materials will have a faith based message that most won’t like nor agree with.
Don’t get it twisted, I don’t feel that there’s anything wrong with critiquing one’s work; lets be honest, when you put your work out there for all to see; you leave ourself open to both positive and negative criticism.
But I do strongly feel that there’s a fine line between providing constructive and creativity critiques of one’s craft; and simply tearing someone down. In which I see many with in our community willingly engaging in when it comes to Tyler Perry. Many of the critiques given towards this man are personal in nature, and you feel it when you mention his name in a crowd of black people. The mer utterance of his name gives birth to a heated controversial debate; where on one hand you have people who may not agree with his work, but still support his craft. While on the other hand (to the extremes) you’ll witness “crabs” completely destroying him, verbally assaulting his man-hood by making homosexual accusations (calling him gay), saying he’s a drag queen, even going so far as to wishing death upon him.
WHY?
What has he done to you personally, that’s bad enough for you to wish death upon him?
My friend and many black men that I talk too states that they’re not ‘hating’ on Tyler Perry per say. They insert this convenient disclaimer that states they admire his bravery and can relate to his life story, in efforts to sugar-coat the adverse remarks that follow. To not make themselves look hateful, that claim to support the works he’s done within the community (mainly his philanthropy); they just despise the amount of times that he has revisited the MADEA character, or the fact that she’s even a figure within our community. Or they despise the fact that he is far more recognizable to the masses when dressed as his ‘drag queen’ alter-ego.
They make it known to me that their distain for the Meada character is not a result of a psycho-cultural “crabs in a bucket” mentality (it couldn’t be). Because A. you can’t support everything labeled ‘black’ (in which I agree) and B. If that were the case stars like EDDIE MURPHY, WILL SMITH, and DENZEL WASHINGTON would not hold such high regard within the African American community, or have a place in their beloved classic DVD collections. But they make it known that their over all disapproval for his craft is a result of a lack of technique in film editing, or the fact that the stereotypical characters have strong drawing power and pretty much emasculates black men.
Many of my brothers feel that “Big Mama” and “Shanany” (played Martin Lawrence) and “Wanda” (played by Jamie Foxx) are just as guilty when it comes to the homicide of the black male masculinity. The idea that African Americans are forced to utilize a man dressed as a woman to spread a positive message of spirituality, pride, social responsibility and love to the black masses is shameful. In which to some degree I’m in complete agreement with them on this matter. Because it shouldn’t take a man wearing a dress to bring forward an accepted message of spirituality and self-evlauation. But what many black men don’t get (nor care to understand) is that Tyler Perry’s works and “Good Deeds” for the African American community goes beyond wearing thigh highs and a girdle.
Tyler Perry has done many great works within the community. Just to list a few:
A. He’s provided funding to help people build homes for Katrina survivors in a new neighborhood designated as “Perry Place”. The same as the famed actor Brad Pitt.
B. He’s donated $1 million dollars to the NAACP in celebration of its 100th anniversary; which happens to be one of the largest single donation from a private individual to a civil rights organization. Additionally providing support to Covenant House in Atlanta by donating $110,000 to the agency.
C. This one is near and dear to my heart, because I’m an advocate for victims of rape/sexual assault. In April 2011, the organization MaleSurvivor received its first significant grant from the Tyler Perry Foundation; which allowed them to expand their world-renowned Weekends of Recovery program by adding new facilitators, support staff, and expanding scholarship offerings. Following the Sandusky scandal that broke in November 2011, MaleSurvivor responded by reaching out to Penn State, to offer any help it could provide by holding training sessions for Penn State psychological staff. They have a documentary titled “Boys and Men Healing” that I strongly recommend many men set their pride aside and watch. For the simple fact that male on male rape/sexual assault is serious! Its one of the most under-reported and less likely to bring forward prosecution forms of sexual assault; because most men refuse to tell anyone when this traumatic event has occurs. MaleSurvior has greatly increased its use of social media to increase awareness and spread it’s message of healing and hope to survivors everywhere, and they have the full support of Mr. Tyler Perry, whom was a victim of molestation himself. And it take courage for a man of any caliber (famous or not) to admit to having experienced such a horrific ordeal.
And to be honest, once he made this publicly know, its as if his rejection from black men increased, due to the feelings of homophobia that runs deep within the African American community. They label him gay because he admit to being a victim O_o?
D. Tyler Perry’s “GOOD DEEDS” movie was linked too the “Good Deeds:Great Needs” initiative that provided support to Covenant House, a non-profit organization that provides assistance for homeless youth. Through GiftCardGiver.com, Good Deeds:Great Needs collected unused gift cards and donated all the proceeds to the Covenant House. Which lead Lionsgate to take it a step further and make a financial donation to Covenant House for every share of the GOOD DEEDS movie trailer. Every time someone watched the trailer, Lionsgate donated a proceed of the profits from the promotions and if I’m not mistaken the movie itself to the mentioned organization.
My support for this man goes beyond him wearing a dress or doing what many call ‘drag’; for the simple fact that He’s doing nothing no different than Flip Wilson, Eddie Murphy, Ving Ramies, Robbin Williams, Jamie Foxx, Martin Lawrence, Shawn and Marlon Waynes, Wesley Snipes, Robert Downy Jr., Dustin Hoffman, Patrick Swayze, John Leguizamo, Tom Hanks, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, And Will Smith to name a few. They’ve all either played a man in drag or a homosexual on screen to either increase the comedic value of their craft, add drama to their character by playing a gay man or made the choice to create a female character that was in most cases very stereotypical and politically incorrect. Yet, we love their characters (call them classics) and dispute, refute and rebuke Tyler Perry’s because it’s a character that promotes the gospel.
Tyler Perry’s materials may not be for everyone. There are people in this world who’re famous of doing less than what he’s accomplish (the Kardashins and Paris Hilton for example) But no matter how I feel about a persons craft, I’ve learned during my spiritual journey that its best to pray that he/she improves and possibly provide a product that I may enjoy. Because lets be honest, being overly critical of a specific individual is not only ugly and petty, but its unnecessary and uncalled for (its just not a good look on you).
People have stated they want to see him step out the dress and do something different; well now that he has the same people who’re critical of him for not doing anything different are the same people hoping this new movie “Alex Cross” flops at the box office.
And this is why ‘we’ as a people have issues coming together in support of one another, because we prefer to pigon-hold people into what we think they are, or the limits in which we feel they should not surpass.
These critical people complain about the repetitive nature of all his movies and plays; but now that he’s doing something different, they complain about the fact that it was him who was picked for the leading roll in an action/drama/suspense/thriller. Wishing the worst on the poor guy, which to me signifies a serious need for our black men (and some black women) to really and truly evaluate why they don’t like him. If the man drew millions to Medea, he’s created a foundation that’s allowed him to venture past that character and do other things as well as give back to the community (which is something that I advise all of “us” do).
Tyler Perry doesn’t have to ask permission from the African American community to do something different. If he chose to do so, he has that right. You either like him or you don’t. Either way; how you feel about him has no bearing on his over all achievements, support and success. And if we’re going to hold Tyler Perry accountable for the representation of black male masculinity, then we have to hold ALL of our successful black men accountable; and this includes T.I., Lil Wayne, “Pac Man” Jones, both Jessy Jackson Jr. and Sr, Tikki Barber, Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods, Flavor Flav, Lil Scrappy “Rat Face” and Chad Ochocinco.
If Tyler Perry is Tomfoolery and Buffoonery; than so is Love and Hip Hop, Basketball Wives, and almost every rap video we’ve seen to date.
When Will This Stop?
I know and understand that not everyone of African heritage will agree with me, speak for me or represent me as an individual. But I feel that the time for inter-cultural evaluation has come.
Honestly, its been here for quite some time now. But I’m really getting sick of what I’m seeing. And its one of the reasons why I started my own entertainment company, in hopes that I may be one of the few people who have the courage to take the steps needed to change how we as a people perceive ourselves.
We visually ingest a healthy dose of negativity by the spoonfuls. Sopping it up like hog slop, and wiping the drivel from our chins with napkins that reads, “That’s not me, so I don’t care” or “it is what it is”. We make excesses for ignorance and justify the unnecessary based upon where we live or how we where raised.
We as a people have no shame watching hours upon hours of ‘reality’ T.V. shows with scripted fight scenes between catty, superficial black women.
We can no longer turn on the T.V., scroll through our facebook feed or watch a video on youtube with out seeing the self-destructive, stereotypical images of African American’s engaging in physical assault.
Mass crowds of black skin with fist flying towards bruised and bloody faces.
Young black women being beat out of their clothes by a mob of her peers as a means of teaching the defenseless victim a detrimental lesson, “Don’t mess with me!”
Its as if there’s a campaign being launched to ensure that ‘we’ as a people are being restricted to seeing disturbing and damaging images of ourselves, that continues to solidify the ideas that:
A. We lack inter-personal communication skills
B. We are not able to engage in peaceful conflict resolution
C. We’re a ethnicity of individuals that are barbaric in nature. Unable to problem solve with out becoming violent.
D. The movie “Birth of A Nation” was right
E. All of the above.
This display of “hot ghetto mess” completely takes away from the fact that our President is a prime example of a how a man of good character should conduct himself when faced with adversity and/or conflict; or serves as the polar opposite of the graceful elegance of our first lady.
The positives of our people and our community are being drowned in a Tsunami wave of:
1. Hip Hop/Rap videos that promote successful drug-deals, name-brand clothes, stacks of money, platinum grills and borderline soft pornography.
2. Juvenile delinquents actively per-taking in inter-racial riots and flash mob robberies.
3. Black men and women going ‘toe-to-toe’ in Street Fighter style hand-to-hand combat
4. Children dancing provocatively
5. Young black women ‘making it clap’ to the tune of a catchy beat and hook phrase in amateur video.
Based upon what one would observe on such websites as Bossip and World Star Hip Hop, if you where from another country you would assume that we’re either all savage wild beast that will aggressively beat or murder one another in the pursuit of respect; while demonstrating a lack of respect for human life.
Or that our young women are continually auditioning for the leading roll in an adult movie.
And what makes matters even worse is the fact that its no longer the media carrying out this imaginary campaign any more.
Its ‘us’ now!
We as a people have used our cell phones and social media to take over the count down to self destruction. We’re assisting with the perpetuation of these images by not only proving these assumptions of ‘us’ to be loosely based upon a shaky foundation of truth, but we’re posting these viral videos on our facebook pages, twitting them from our twitter accounts and laughing at them; as if its meant to be comedic in nature and entertaining 0_o?.
We watch them with our friends, and snicker when they’re featured in the news; not realizing how bad this stuff makes ‘us’ look. Yes! It makes “US” look bad, because when other people see these videos we’re all lumped into one generalized category labeled “same”.
And our kids see these videos and think that this is the manner in which they should handle conflicting issues as they occur. Which just happens to be (in most cases) the kids who have no one at home to teach them other wise; because their legal parental guardians are just as irresponsible as the people seen in these videos.
If its not a middle aged male bus-driver upper-cutting a teenage girl during conflict on his route, its a young woman being brutally beat down on her door step by a fellow classmate over ‘texting beef’ on twitter.
When are we going to become enraged by the violence that we constantly inflict upon one another?
When are we going to start taking the responsibly upon ourselves to become a positive representation of ‘us’ as a people and having more respect for one another’s life and personal space? Because we’ve have proven that we know how to effectively continue the cycle of mental enslavement that keeps us divided. Now are we ready (and can we successfully) prove the opposite?
We’ve shown that many of us lack the mental capacity to solve problems with out becoming physical. We get the picture, and we now understand that some of our men have absolutely no respect for our women, and some of our women lack respect for themselves.
But when does it end?
Or am I the only one upset about this pandemic of ignorance within the African American Community?
My Dear Brother
The true test of love, is allowing yourself to become submissive too it.
I come to you in peace. I stand beside you as your sister, your mother, your lover, your daughter, your wife, and your best friend. I come bearing news of togetherness as I extend my welcoming arms too you during your most troubling times. It is my duty to nurture you, to comfort you, and to let you know that you’re not alone. There is no plot from me seeking your demise; and I do not relish in the thought of your failure.
There is no joy in your pain and there is no satisfaction in your misery. My heart beats in synch with yours and I seek nothing more from you than love, trustworthiness and companionship. Your truth sets me free, and restores my faith in humanity and man-kind. And your spirituality keeps me centered in faith.
I too share your desire for success. I too aspire to achieve the greatness that I’m destined to seek, and I want nothing more in life but for you to stand at my side as I at yours. I want you to stand and support me as much as I support you, and to not look at me as being your ‘half’ but your whole (because you are mine).
The love that I have for you is unconditional, and I give myself unto you in equal worship. I willingly continue your blood line, giving my life to birth your seed. Creating the trinity that makes us one.
For I am you, and you are me; and we are equal in value.
