I was surfing facebook last night prior to going to bed as always. When I came across the facebook page of former comedian/radio personality Steve Harvey. Before I go any further, I want people to know that I like Steve; I don’t like his books, because to me personally I feel that the advice he gives women in regards to relationships is stuff that should be common sense. But I’ve followed his career from when he first started; and have cheerfully supported its transform through out the years. Well, while scrolling through his feed, this image jumped out at me. And immediately I liked it because I think it makes perfect sense.
I was under (what I’m assuming) was the mistaken impression that this statement serves as a reminder to women of how precious and priceless our bodies are.
I thought (and maybe I was wrong) that its saying to women, your body is your temple, and it can’t be bought, nor sold. Or that any man who seeks to find your treasures must first hold the key to your heart. Now, I know it sounds like something from a Walt Disney movie in todays age of “bag and tag” a dime piece for bragging rights; but I still think his message to women today is that we shouldn’t use our ‘cookie’ as bartering currency in exchange for goods and services.
At least that’s what my logical analysis told me 0_O?
I guess that maybe this isn’t what he was meaning by this statement, or it may be possible that my response to an individual poster wasn’t appreciated.
There was a woman (name shall remain anonymous) who’s response read something like this:
“that’s right ladies, that means that if you have a man and you’re working “it” right, your bills should be paid, food should be on the table, rent paid (not mortgage but rent), and you should have money in your pocket if your in a relationship with a man” (Not if you’re someone’s wife, but a relationship with ‘a man’)
It was clear that this woman was so proud of her response; I even imagined her smiling to herself as she typed her half-thought out justification for promoting self-prostitituion. There was even a few (misguided) women who disagreed with the posting, assuming that Steve and this woman (as well as many others) where echoing the same thought process.
One woman asked why do ‘we’ as a people (black folks) teach our daughters such non-sense; after a male subscriber pretty much came out and admitted that he feels any woman who believes that what she has is sacred treasure is not worth the time it takes to get it, because he can go and get it from someone more willing.
To men personally, seeing these people take that approach to this comment demonstrates the dysfunction between normalcy in the perceptions of female sexuality and appeal vs the projection of hyper-sexualality that we see daily of the female anatomy. Or is what I a many others assume to be normally (celibacy) an uncommon reality for most women?
I attribute the negativity that transpired on this thread to the following:
Not only are women disrespecting and desecrating their bodies in pursuit of financial gains and fame, but there’s a surge in disrespect of black women from black men. Its evident in the constant video’s we see of black men beating black girls and women in clubs and on public busses, and the blatant disrespect for any black woman who’s not their idea of beauty that the black male posters mention where ready to tear apart any woman who agreed with the comment from a positive standpoint. I watched the drama unfold as regulars who where identified by female subscribers as trolls posted rude and crass comments about how women are of less value if they’re promiscuous, and how their ‘man-hood’ would be the key to unlock that ‘rusty dusty’ box as one man put it.
There’s nearly no love for a woman who values her body as being a gift to share between her husband and she; completely what many of us considered the holy trinity ordained by God (man, woman and child). We’ve some how subconsciously assisted with self-degredation by willingly perpetuating the need to be valued and validated base mostly upon sex and less upon love. Some of us women foolishly believe that the ‘better’ our sex is the more pleasing we are as a spouse for a sex-cracved male; who’ll in turn love and provide for us. Or, we think allowing him to ‘test drive’ our gears will show him that we’re the one he needs in his life, placing us above the rest of his side line chicks, dime pieces, jump off’s, baby mama(s), and booty buddies.
In todays society (mainly what I’ve seen within the African American community as of late) its become a negative if a woman choses to wait until marriage for intercourse. You’re seen as being a prude, selfish, or putting ‘it’ upon a pedal-stool; while making yourself unobtainable by most men. As a woman who choses to wait, I’ve learned that celibacy can do one of two things to many men today. It can
A. drive them away: They’d rather dump you and find a woman who’s willing to give them sex; yet complain later about having baby mama drama; STD’s and issues with crazy women. And you’d think they’d have the common sense to link their issues with women to the misuse of their genitals. But for some strange reason this is a rare epiphany.
B. teach them patients: Some men honestly appreciate a woman who’ll wait until marriage or take her time before having sex. These men appreciate a woman who’s more confident in getting to know him and herself, seeing if they’re emotionally compatable vs. hopping in the sack. But this type of virtuous woman is few and far in between, and these type of patient men are rare finds. Those of us who don’t just ‘do the do’ are like undiscovered dinosaur facile. It takes the careful uncovering of layers and years of emotional dirt pilled on one’s psychological being, as a result of past relationships and emotional baggage.
And In most cases that I’ve seen, most men of today chose A. This brand of disrespect becomes a game of casual dissing and mutual contempt towards any woman they’re unable to gain carnal knowledge of. And don’t be a woman who’s seeking more in a relationship than just providing him with a steady supply of sex, because now you’re labeled a stuck up, cold hearted, ice-queen; and stuck with being seen as a tease that’s a waste of his time. Some of the men in the thread took it a step further and started to insult the women whom where thinking the same as I; childishly resorting to name calling and making accusations of assumed under cover freaky sexual behavior, and fetishes with adult toys.
All that because we said we’d rather wait O_o?
You don’t even know me!
The “Beat Down”:
This could have two meanings within the African American community.
This could mean the fast growing rate of African American women who’re victims of physical, verbal, sexual and psychological abuse resorting to sex as a means of mental escape and comfort. Incidents of family violence within the African American family are at their highest; with the number one killer of African American women age 15 to 34 being dying at the hands of a lover or spouse.
African American women tend to experience a lack in intimacy in their unions with lovers and in many cases, the only time she feels safe or comfortable with her partner is during intercourse. Many African American women have been raised in homes where sex is used as conflict resolution, control, or as a means of self-gratification.
If she’s desired sexually then she feels complete as a woman and sees her self as being attractive and worthy enough for love.
If she gives in and gives him what he wants (satisfies his urges) there’s less of a chance of physical altercation
Or (as the woman stated) she’ll receive payment (money, bills/rent paid, gifts, cars and maybe even stardom).
This goes back to the emotional detachment that black men today experience with black women, leaving the only connection that many from the male species have with women is through sex.
Or it can mean that he ‘beat it up’. His or her sex is so good that it makes their loves become ‘drunk’ off their love making. Not realizing this assist with further incorporating the hyper-sexual mentality of black men and women that can be linked to slavery. Where black male slaves where used as ‘studs’ for breading live stock and black female slaves where used as ‘bed-warmers’ and sexual outlets for their slave owners, even for breading.
SOME black men (not all) find it difficult to stay faithful to one woman; thus creating the following mentality.
Keep an Ace In the Hole:
Infidelity within the African American community is a norm. Its advocated and highlighted in our songs, projected in mass media messaging, and “we” brag about sexual conquest while being unfaithful to a lover and/or spouse. Many African American women feel that if their ‘good good’ is so good, it will keep a man and act as their personal Gold Mine. Leading to career advancement, financial stability, fame and personal gains.
There are African American men who’re married to or dating one faithful woman, while having many ‘side-line’ jump off’s. These additional women pray on these unfaithful men by using their ‘good good’ to secure their future with a wealthy man (maybe even a married man) ensuring their needs are met.
Again, as advocated by the female poster; I’ve heard many African American men state that they have something on the ‘side’ ready just in case their main or ‘bottom’ acts up. Thus the additoinal woman/women benefit form the ‘Ace’ menaltiy demonstrated by some black men.
To hell with it
To be honest, I don’t know if I’m wrong or if I’m thinking to much (going to deep) into this posting. As a Virgo, I tend to over analzye darn near everything! But isn’t this statement speaking of the exact opposite of using what you’ve got to get what you want? I don’t know if its just me; but I thought that what Steve was saying is that as women “WE” should take responsibility over our bodies and our sexuality by not being so willing to give our ‘treasures’ away so freely. I thought (and maybe I’m wrong) that he’s telling women we must understand that there’s more to us as a people than what we can provide for a man sexually. We’re human beings that have dreams, goals and aspirations in life; and most importantly we desire (OR SHOULD DESIRE) to be loved for who we are as women and we should be patient enough to take our time when seeking to be found by a man who understands and respects the values and morals we project for ourselves.
I tried to go back and check on the colorful responses from the plethora of black folks who’d liked his page; but I discovered that I was removed; my comments in response to the other individuals posting was removed and many of the other comments that followed where removed. So I can just imagine the verbal feeding frenzy that was spawned during that “light hearted” conversation.
I’m not upset about it, after all its just facebook; so its not serious enough to go “H.A.M” and conduct a “e-thugh” drive-by posting to other users pages. Although the thought did cross my mind after reading some of the things being said. But I just chalked it up to being that awkward moment you feel when you say something that to you makes sense, while everyone else thinks its stupid.
I saw a divorced individual mocking this picture in my facebook feed today, and I found it interesting that someone who’s no longer married would poke fun of women who’re doing their best to get marriage right the first time. Now, I want this individual and everyone else here to understand that I’m not trying to pic a fight with them, or poke fun, but I was very interested to know why they would do such a thing, when in all actuality, they may want to reconsider their strategy for finding (or being found by) love.
Because obviously their methods are not working.
Let’s be honest here, since we’re constantly reading these 50% of marriages end in divorce static’s being quoted on a regular, you would think that women who’re trying to do the right thing and wait for marriage to the right man would be be praised verse persecuted. But for some strange and un-explainable reason, members of society have skillfully mastered the art of ridiculing single women, while praising single men or even men who demonstrate the “married man, single man’s mentally” syndrome (meaning they’re unfaithfully married).
But I wanted to address a few things:
No, we’re not desperate…….well….not all of us.
Being a woman of faith who’s patiently waiting for her time to be chosen for love and marriage is not a sign of being a desperate, lonely, “man-hungry” woman in the body of Christ. I think I speak for many Christian women when I say we don’t sit around all day praying for God to bring us a ‘Godly Man’ and we don’t spend our days upon end consumed with the dreaded fact that we’re single. At least not the Christly women I know on a personal level. True, there are women in the church who fit this description, but there are women in the world (or worldly as we church folk call it) who’re no different.
We know who we are! We don’t need a man to define that for us.
I see so many women ‘settle’ for a man. The fear of simply being alone leaves many women so desperate and ‘thirsty’ for a man who they’re willing to put up with anything from any one, as long as they can say they ‘have a man’. Many of these women do so because they do not know who they are! They don’t know their purpose in life and they’re seeking a man that will assist in defining their self-worth while seeking personal validation. But as a woman who demonstrates total trust in the almighty to be blessed with a man after God’s heart (being kept by my husband); I feel that its my duty to understand who I am in Christ FIRST, knowing my worth and finding peace in Gods timing. I’ve learned by watching other people’s failed marriages and relationships that its best for me to wait on “Him” to work things out on my behalf, verses me trying to do permanent things with temporary people in my life.
For me personally, as a woman of faith, I know that my marital status has no bearing on my self-worth; which makes it easy for me to not have a problem with being single. I fully understand that I have to love myself first! Prior to allowing myself to be sought after by my future husband.
You can’t be happy with someone else in your life if you’re not happy with yourself.
Any woman can have ‘a man’ but it takes a real woman or a woman who’s confident in who she is (and in my opinion stead fast in her faith) to patiently wait to be kept by her husband.
So many people mistaken being devoted to one’s faith with being brainwashed and uneducated; based upon the debauchery we see amongst self-proclaimed Christians. But I want people to know that we’re not all one in the same!
I know plenty of Godly women personally (myself included) who understands that there’s more to life as a woman than being someone’s jump off, booty call, or ‘dime piece’ for show.
Many of us have arrived at the conclusion that in order to be found by love we must first love ourselves.
Unlike some women, I PERSONALLY DO NOT settle for less than what’s promised unto to me; which is a husband and not ‘a man’.
Any woman can have that!
My Preacher is not my Pimp!
Contrary to popular belief, I personally don’t need a Pope, Priest or Pastor to tell me my worth or act as a ‘medium’ between my God and I; because I’ve established a connection with him for myself, knowing who he is to me and how he operates in my life. My paster does nothing more than assist with me having a better understanding of my God’s word, but he’s not my God. Nor does he play “Captain Save’em” for me. As women of Christ, our over all being is not defined by if we have “a man” or not that’s ordained by another man who’s walk with Christ may possibly be just as conflicted as ours.
Most importantly we know that being married is a full-time responsibility that can not or should not be shared with just any ‘man’.
Being found by one’s husband takes time, patience and humility and faith; Thus, Christian women allow this time we have to ourselves to be used as Gods time to work on developing these traits. So that when our husbands do seek us; he’ll find a “good thing”. He’ll find a woman who’s been through so much with unfit men in her life, that’s she’s more appreciative of a Good Man that seeks to take her hand in marriage.
Some may say that this through process is that of a fairy tale or an unrealistic expectation. And if this theory is what works for them that’s fine! People can think what they may.
I personally believe that anyone who has this mentality (thinks its fairy tale idea) is an individual (man or woman) whom feel’s they’re not worthy of having such love. They fail to understand or incorporate the power of prayer, and they feel that what they’ve been given by past lovers is all they’ll ever experience with future lovers. I can’t do nothing for people who think like that, other than pray for them. But there’s so much power in patiently waiting for the right man/woman to be found by, or finding you!
I know and understand that not everyone of African heritage will agree with me, speak for me or represent me as an individual. But I feel that the time for inter-cultural evaluation has come.
Honestly, its been here for quite some time now. But I’m really getting sick of what I’m seeing. And its one of the reasons why I started my own entertainment company, in hopes that I may be one of the few people who have the courage to take the steps needed to change how we as a people perceive ourselves.
We visually ingest a healthy dose of negativity by the spoonfuls. Sopping it up like hog slop, and wiping the drivel from our chins with napkins that reads, “That’s not me, so I don’t care” or “it is what it is”. We make excesses for ignorance and justify the unnecessary based upon where we live or how we where raised.
We as a people have no shame watching hours upon hours of ‘reality’ T.V. shows with scripted fight scenes between catty, superficial black women.
We can no longer turn on the T.V., scroll through our facebook feed or watch a video on youtube with out seeing the self-destructive, stereotypical images of African American’s engaging in physical assault.
Mass crowds of black skin with fist flying towards bruised and bloody faces.
Young black women being beat out of their clothes by a mob of her peers as a means of teaching the defenseless victim a detrimental lesson, “Don’t mess with me!”
Its as if there’s a campaign being launched to ensure that ‘we’ as a people are being restricted to seeing disturbing and damaging images of ourselves, that continues to solidify the ideas that:
A. We lack inter-personal communication skills
B. We are not able to engage in peaceful conflict resolution
C. We’re a ethnicity of individuals that are barbaric in nature. Unable to problem solve with out becoming violent.
D. The movie “Birth of A Nation” was right
E. All of the above.
This display of “hot ghetto mess” completely takes away from the fact that our President is a prime example of a how a man of good character should conduct himself when faced with adversity and/or conflict; or serves as the polar opposite of the graceful elegance of our first lady.
The positives of our people and our community are being drowned in a Tsunami wave of:
1. Hip Hop/Rap videos that promote successful drug-deals, name-brand clothes, stacks of money, platinum grills and borderline soft pornography.
2. Juvenile delinquents actively per-taking in inter-racial riots and flash mob robberies.
3. Black men and women going ‘toe-to-toe’ in Street Fighter style hand-to-hand combat
4. Children dancing provocatively
5. Young black women ‘making it clap’ to the tune of a catchy beat and hook phrase in amateur video.
Based upon what one would observe on such websites as Bossip and World Star Hip Hop, if you where from another country you would assume that we’re either all savage wild beast that will aggressively beat or murder one another in the pursuit of respect; while demonstrating a lack of respect for human life.
Or that our young women are continually auditioning for the leading roll in an adult movie.
And what makes matters even worse is the fact that its no longer the media carrying out this imaginary campaign any more.
Its ‘us’ now!
We as a people have used our cell phones and social media to take over the count down to self destruction. We’re assisting with the perpetuation of these images by not only proving these assumptions of ‘us’ to be loosely based upon a shaky foundation of truth, but we’re posting these viral videos on our facebook pages, twitting them from our twitter accounts and laughing at them; as if its meant to be comedic in nature and entertaining 0_o?.
We watch them with our friends, and snicker when they’re featured in the news; not realizing how bad this stuff makes ‘us’ look. Yes! It makes “US” look bad, because when other people see these videos we’re all lumped into one generalized category labeled “same”.
And our kids see these videos and think that this is the manner in which they should handle conflicting issues as they occur. Which just happens to be (in most cases) the kids who have no one at home to teach them other wise; because their legal parental guardians are just as irresponsible as the people seen in these videos.
If its not a middle aged male bus-driver upper-cutting a teenage girl during conflict on his route, its a young woman being brutally beat down on her door step by a fellow classmate over ‘texting beef’ on twitter.
When are we going to become enraged by the violence that we constantly inflict upon one another?
When are we going to start taking the responsibly upon ourselves to become a positive representation of ‘us’ as a people and having more respect for one another’s life and personal space? Because we’ve have proven that we know how to effectively continue the cycle of mental enslavement that keeps us divided. Now are we ready (and can we successfully) prove the opposite?
We’ve shown that many of us lack the mental capacity to solve problems with out becoming physical. We get the picture, and we now understand that some of our men have absolutely no respect for our women, and some of our women lack respect for themselves.
But when does it end?
Or am I the only one upset about this pandemic of ignorance within the African American Community?
I come to you in peace. I stand beside you as your sister, your mother, your lover, your daughter, your wife, and your best friend. I come bearing news of togetherness as I extend my welcoming arms too you during your most troubling times. It is my duty to nurture you, to comfort you, and to let you know that you’re not alone. There is no plot from me seeking your demise; and I do not relish in the thought of your failure.
There is no joy in your pain and there is no satisfaction in your misery. My heart beats in synch with yours and I seek nothing more from you than love, trustworthiness and companionship. Your truth sets me free, and restores my faith in humanity and man-kind. And your spirituality keeps me centered in faith.
I too share your desire for success. I too aspire to achieve the greatness that I’m destined to seek, and I want nothing more in life but for you to stand at my side as I at yours. I want you to stand and support me as much as I support you, and to not look at me as being your ‘half’ but your whole (because you are mine).
The love that I have for you is unconditional, and I give myself unto you in equal worship. I willingly continue your blood line, giving my life to birth your seed. Creating the trinity that makes us one.
For I am you, and you are me; and we are equal in value.