For Those Who Go Beyond Boundaries

Well, what’s wrong with you?

with 2 comments

I recently read on one of my favorite blog sites a posting that addressed the plight of single African American Women’.  And during this blog this guy rambles on about the infamous 70% of African American women who’re single (no thanks to Oprah); and the ever looming issue of ‘good black men’ being either gay and/or incarcerated. And it’s fine to address these ‘issues’ within the African American community. Because the only way you’ll change them is if you face them, am I right? But why has it become the latest and greatest ‘hot button’ topic of debate?

This ‘topic’ has gained so much attention that it’s even becoming debated and deliberated overseas in the UK and parts of South and Central America; where black men are now raking in the frequent flyer miles seeking future wives. There was even an article (or blog) addressing this issue titled ‘Do black Men Prefer Dominican Woman over American Women?” on The Fly Guy Chronicles


And in Essence.   But with the entire buzz amidst our ears of why 42 to 70 percent of black women are unwed, one must wonder where is all this coming from? Why is it now such an issue that women (mainly black women) are not hopping the broom? Is it because in finding fault with black women; it’s somehow takes the burden of ‘fault’ off black men?

Now I know as children we’re taught that our sole purpose in life is to grow up, get married, have kids, living in the white house on the hill, with the white picket fence, dog and cat and a (black) husband that ‘brings home the bacon’. We’re taught that we’re not to even consider having a child out of wed lock, or even thinking twice about engaging in a relationship with a woman. We’re taught that dating or marrying a man who’s not black (much less having their children) will bring disgrace upon our father’s family name and that it’s strongly recommended that we be wed prior to magic age of 30 (to a black man). And I know I’m not the only woman whom received these lessons in life from my parents and elders as a child.

 But, what if life doesn’t happen that way?

What if you decide that having a family prior to age 30 is not for you, much less making the decision to never have a family or be addressed by the title of Mrs.?

What if you, being the strong, successful, independent and educated ‘diva’  that you are decide that going to school, earning your degree, purchasing your own home and establishing your ‘Queendom’ first is what’s best for you in the here and now;  and then finding a ‘man’ later on in life?

Does that mean something is wrong with you, because you don’t live the ‘cookie-cutter’ predestine life that has been established for you based on your race and sex?

Does this mean that you’ve gone against the grain and have unknowingly participated in a revolt against a preferably conservative life style for ‘successful’ black women?

What if you decide that you love a man who’s skin tone doesn’t match yours? Do you marry him because you love him, or do you let him go because he’s not the right hue?

What if you’re lesbian? What if your heart belongs to a girlfriend who’s now your ‘girlfriend’? Since you’re union doesn’t count (assumed) before God and (legally) before the courts of law, have you failed in life as well?

I sometimes sit back and listen to people talk out the side of their necks on this issue, and I wonder ‘who determines if a woman is living her life right’? Why is our society more obsessed with a (black) woman’s material status, than it is doing something about the more serious issues that plague our streets? Not every single black woman is dying to have a ring on her finger; much less sharking the streets looking to consume someone else man like fresh chum. So many social-psycho analyst and scientist, doctors, and literary professors are increasingly joining the ranks amongst the plethora of talk show host, internet bloggers and shoppers in line at ‘Bloom’ grocery store pitching their two cents in as of to why I’m single.

And its honestly amazing to sit back and watch the spectacle of three ring antics that comes forward with people voicing their own opinions as of to why black women are finding it so much more difficult to find a lifelong partner, than that of our sisters of other races.  Who says it’s more difficult for us though? What if we’re just not as egger to become wed (and soon after divorced) as other woman? What if its a subconscious, subliminal satellite uplink being downloaded into the celestial of all women of African descent on a separate frequency, that’s telling us to wait!  What if god as has a commercially reserved antenna that transmits a beaconing to ‘sista’s that he’s working on sending the right man for them their way, and that she must patiently wait his arrival? For when he does find her, their wave lengths with have the same digital signature that syncs his transmitter to her receiver, letting them know that they’re a perfect match? 

The clowns  that ride their unicycles and juggle their personal reasoning’s for choosing not to date/marry black woman are nothing more than mere side show freaks; being used at their expense for the amusement of any other race of people whom speak negatively about African Americans.  These black ‘men’ don’t understand that every time they cut black women down and call us our names they aid in the ‘tom foolery’ that makes us look like the baboons depicted in black face menstrual shows. They feed into the common misconceptions about all black women;  that has spread like a common cold from one thought process to the next, worldwide. Not all of us are rude, aggressive, loud, fake (fake hair, nails, eyes, shoes, clothes and accessories), ‘boujetto’, fat, unattractive, ugly to the bone and manless. We don’t all look and sound like Rasputia of Eddie Murphy’s blockbuster flop “Norbit”;  we’re not all video ‘hip hop honey’s like Melisa Ford, or Buffy the Body (with an abnormally large rear end) ; We don’t all have numerous babies from differ men, on government assistance with high blood pressure, sugar diabetes living in section 8 housing.  So there’s no need for our brotha’s to fly half way across the world to find a ‘good woman’.

All these negative stereotypes, insults, cut downs, verbal assaults and generalizations hurt. When I see these negative images, hear these bone cutting words being used to describe my grandmother, mother, sister, niece, cousins, close friends and myself; it causes me to become withdrawn within myself.

 My sister ‘s whom gain a few pounds after giving birth to a future king or queen covers herself for fear of being seen as unattractive, used goods.

My sister who’s educated, god-fearing and down to earth comes to the realization that in order to find her place next to her king, she must be seated as queen next to a man who’s not of her own people.

 My sister who’s struggling to make ends meet, due to a lack of support from the father of her child assumes the role of being ghetto, loud, aggressive and in section 8. Why not? Why be any other way when it’s already assumed that this is who she is?


Written by DeityNyota

April 16, 2010 at 11:37 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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  1. O come on, if you lay with dogs, you get flies. condoms people, stop the sob stories. Your sister knew what she was doing. Look to all my black sistas, if your not happy with black men date other races. My sister who is black date latino man and guess what, I’m happy for her if she is happy. So yes their’s always a special place in my heart for my beautiful black sistas but I also like women of other races to and that’s ok, but I still can support my black people even if I’m not dating one. I think the best thing for black women to do is open up your option and you’ll be shock how more happier you’ll be. Love is blind.


    April 27, 2010 at 5:40 am

    • Greetings and Blessings; thank you for taking the time to stop by and share your thoughts. They are deeply appreciated. But I think you’ve missed the entire significance of the posting over all. It’s not that I was speaking of my ‘blood sister; Its was more in respects to women worldwide (mainly black women) while addressing the hang ups that many of us experience in the ‘dating game’. I personally have advocated women seeking serious relationships with men who’re of various races, because I personally prefer too. I haven’t completely eliminated ‘brotha’s’ from the dating pool over all, but I’ve come to the realization (through life experiences) that limiting myself to one specific race of ‘man’ may possibly keep me from finding a man who loves and accepts me for me.

      And it’s not a ‘sob story’; it’s asking women (black women) to take a more self-critical look in the mirror and ask herself ‘what’s wrong with me’? We tend to get caught up in the blame game of finding fault with all black men, to the point where we forget that pointing one finger leads to three more being pointed back at us. Every woman should ask herself what is she doing wrong that’s keeping her from finding true happiness within her love life, as well as question if her idea of ‘love’ is actually what she needs. I personally feel that one of the reasons women (black women) are complaining about these love difficulties is because we’re giving into the preconceived notions placed on us by outside influences in respects to what we ‘need’ in a man; and what constitutes as happy/successful marriage. Thus, we subconsciously fall in line with these social constructs that cripple our ability to just simply accept a man for who he is, and what he has to offer.

      I’m originally from Texas, so dating Latino men is not a problem from me (or my blood sister). I’ve dated Dominican’s, Panamanians, Columbians, Cubans, Puerto Ricans, and Mexicans; white, black, Pacific Islander you name it. And through these experiences, one important lesson that I’ve taken away from all these men is that men are men. They’re all different, yet the same because they’re human. So I personally feel that for some of us, dating outside our race is not the problem (many of us do), it’s that many black women have a problem accepting the idea of being married to someone who’s not black (based solely on the ridicule and scrutiny they fear facing). And some of us are in engaging in this ‘race’ to be married before 30 – 35. Why? Why not live life, experience the many things that life has to offer and then settle down. This is why I ask where is this idea of 30 being the magical age coming from? I want to invoke thought, not sob stories and controversy.


      April 27, 2010 at 2:12 pm

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