DeityNyota

For Those Who Go Beyond Boundaries

The Old ‘Ball and Chain”: Why a lot of Men find it difficult to Commit.

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Before I even get started, I wanna make two things clear.

A. I’m not married. I’m currently dating but I have yet to settle down. Thus, I want everyone who reads this blog to understand that this is based on my personal opinions, in relation to things I’ve seen (and lived through) in my life time. These experiences and mistakes have assisted me in trying to formulate my hypothesis on what I think is one of the reasons why men are unable to commit or why we as women have problems finding men who’re willing to commit. Its not a scientific fact that can be backed with what every one else may assume to be ‘proof’; so any responses to this posting have no more bearing of ‘truth’ than my posting over all.

B. I want to give a new found friend of mine; Ms. Lydia Cotton on facebook credit for her contributions to this blog. She and I go at it at times based on our differences of opinions on specific topics, but I have to say these last two blogs she’s posted has opened the flood gates for some very frank and much needed discussion amongst some outspoken African Americans. That’s one of the reasons why I lover her page, because you meet so many different people with a variant of views on some of the same discussions we as a people have ‘regurgitated’ within our community, time and time again (and have done nothing to solve these said issues). So its a breath of fresh air to just say what’s on your mind while talking to like-minded people. But I digress from my ‘soap box’ ;)….sort of.

I’m not your wife…yet

One of the hot button issues she brought forward for discussion this past weekend touched on how many men (I’m addressing my brotha’s specifically) assume that its cool for a woman to perform what most of us would call ‘wifely duties’ with out being wed (or having any intentions of being married) to  the women they’re with. And I was intrigued, enlightened, and even delighted by some of the responses posted on this topic. Ms. Cotton wanted to know why our ‘brothers’ have yet to learn the difference between a girlfriend and a wife. And while demonstrating this dysfunction, they’re expecting their live-in girlfriends and ‘career finances’  to cook, clean, wash their drawers,while willing conducting around the clock ‘booty duty’.  She state that its insane to assume they’re entitled to such special treatment and that its not their women’s job per say to continue such actions unless he’s willing to do what Beyonce says and ‘put a ring on it’ i.e. UPGRADE HER!

In which, I have to agree, for the simple fact that if a man has been with a woman more than 3+ years, I  honestly feel there’s no longer a need to try and figure out if she’s ‘the one’ for you. Technically after three years of living together you should  have already figured that out by now. Going home/waking up to the same person for three years+ to me is (IMHO) quite some time to spend with a woman or man day in/day out. And by this time you should know if this woman or man is the soul mate you’ve been seeking. Unless you know within your heart of hearts that you’re just settling for anyone just to be able to say you have someone (or something to do). In which, that’s fowl and any man or woman who does so either lacks the esteem to need to see themselves as worthy of being engaged in a relationship or marriage to someone who loves them for who they are; or they’re just plain selfish, and don’t deserve the effort their parter is putting into making things work.

A friend of mine once told me that one of his ‘boys’ was giving explicit details of the intimate relationship he currently shares with his live-in girlfriend. Stating that her sex was phenomenal, she could cook, clean and does all the things he’s looking for in a woman; yet he doesn’t see himself being married to her. When my friend asked why if she was everything he wanted in a wife? and his reply was that she’s not a ‘dime’ (meaning she’s not a 10 on a scale of 10). Her looks are mediocre at best and not what he could envision himself being seen with in the near future. Thus, he was waiting for something ‘better’ to come along. And I’ve known of men doing this; holding onto the pageant runner up, until he can have his shot at Mrs. America. And ladies, this is some of the reasons why some men will live with you as if he was your husband, and not be serious about putting  a ring on your finger. I hate to say it, but its possible that he honestly doesn’t see you as his future wife/mother of his children.

The Three Year Plan

A sure sign that this may be the case is when you bring up the subject of engagement/marriage, the same excuses he used the first time you talked about it are the same excuses he’s using 3 to 6 years from that date. If he keeps saying he wants to save money for a ring and home purchase (which is fine, I understand the need to provide) ask him to show YOU what steps he’s taking to save money or what budget he’s maintaining to achieve that financial goal that he’s set for himself. Ask him what are his goals for the two of you and what he’s doing to ensure he reaches those goals within a specific set time. I understand that things don’t always go as planned (he may get laid off/fired, he may become ill or seriously injured, even crippled) but he has to show you that he’s on the grind doing what it takes to ensure the two of you live comfortably. This is if  financial stability his ‘true’ motives for not being married. But the two of you should make this agreement clear prior to even taking the relationship from friendship to marriage. Ask that he up date you on the progression he’s making (i.e. allow you to see statements, or have access to his budget). If you’re going to be his future wife, you should be able to see these things anyway (because he trust you right?). He can’t keep telling you that he wants to save money for your marriage; yet keeps making big purchases, spending money going out to eat, buying clothes and going drinking with his buddies. If he can spend hundreds of dollars on pay per view sports events and ball game tickets, and purchase the latest high tech gadgets then he can also be disciplined enough to put that money towards securing a ring, or the down payment on a home.

DO KEEP IN MIND! I’m not advising that you constantly hassle the man about his money (that can drive him to leave you over all), but I do advise that every now and again you both share that open line of communications about your future plans. Find time that both you and your potential spouse can sit down and discuss what it is that you both desire from one another currently and in the future. And IF HE’S SERIOUS about having you in his life, he won’t have a problem having this discussion. But, this is just my honest opinion.

Stop Fighting

Some men will constantly make it a point to find something wrong with you! As if everything you do is some how contributing to his delinquency in making your union official (I’ve seen this time and time again). When ever you try and talk to him about what’s the status of your relationship; he’ll start an argument to keep from talking about the subject of marriage. This is a defense mechanism that some men incorporate into avoiding the topic over all. When ever you two always fight about marriage (every time you bring it up) its because he’s not planing to get married, plain and simple. Even if he keeps making up the same excuses are get uneasy and upset when you even talk about it, let him go. Let him gone and find what it is he’s looking for because he’s honestly not looking for it from you. You found him, you’ll find someone else. But IF YOU DO LEAVE, do not let this dude sweet talk his way back into your pants. Do not jump at his becking call and do not allow yourself to be sucked into believing that he’s ‘trying’; because there’s a big difference in ‘trying’ and actually ‘doing’. Meaning he’s either trying by demonstrating what steps he’s taking to make this ‘dream’ a reality, or he’s ‘trying’ to stall for time to keep from being married.

He loves me, He loves me not

I personally can’t stand (and won’t stand for) being with someone who I’m wondering if he loves me or not. I feel that’s a waste of both my time and his. And the advice of comedian Steve Harvey (may you agree with his advice or not) stated in an interview demonstrates teachings that most men should either have at a young age, or give to young men within their communities. He stated that he personally tells his sons that there comes a time in a mans life when he must know what it is he desires for himself in life, love and relationships/marriage. Again, I agree with this, because far to often we see both men and women hopping back and forward between various lovers or the same lover, unable to commit, unable to stay faithful and unable to decide who’s best for them. I’ve personally witnessed men string along women who’re head over heals in love with them, by making empty promises followed by lame excuses as a means of feeding her a ‘hope sandwich’. She gets lost within herself (doing everything to ‘get right’) by eating spoon fulls of the ‘mess’ he feeds her. She’s been duped into believing that some day he’ll realize the diamond he’s found in her amongst Rhinestones he ‘knocks dow’ and finally hop the broom. But what she doesn’t realize is that he’s only telling her what he knows she wants to hear, and giving her just enough to keep her coming back to him (He don’t want her, but he don’t want anyone else to have her). You should not be in a relationship with a man who makes you wonder if he loves you or not. Actions (in my opinion) speak louder than words. If he can show you he loves by communicating with you, trusting you, respecting your union by not cheating, or flirting with other women, or even spending quality time with you and talking about his plans, then you have a winner. But if he demonstrates the inability to do either of these things, he’s no more worried about being committed to you than he’s worried about the price of tea in China.

Men believe that they have a variant of options when it comes to potential mates (in which to be honest we all do). There are several billions of single individuals in this world who’re seeking permanent love and affect. But something I’ve learned about most men is that men are not afraid to step outside the ethnic boundaries and marry, or have sex with women who don’t look like them. Thus, they’ve unknowingly in most cases incorporated the ‘many fish in the sea’ philosophy to their dating and mating habits. And this is one of the contributing factors to why men feel no pressure to commit to one woman. They believe that because its in a man’s nature to procreate, they can and should really roam and sow their ‘royal oats’. For them there is not biological clock ticking (it isn’t for me either) as much as women assume it is for them. So there’s no need, no rush and no pressure to be with you and you only. Thus, I feel that women should start incorporating the same ‘fishy’ philosophy in their dating lives. Stop getting hung up on a man who’s married already (if he cheats on his wife he’ll cheat on you, and he’s not leaving his wife and kids for you), leave the thugs alone (they already have ‘bags’ that are too heavy for you to carry) and stop assuming that the only ‘good man’ is a ‘godly’ man. There are men who don’t practice the same faith (or maybe even none at all) but make suitable mates. A man will travel over seas or even purchase a mail order bride for both connivence and love. Where as women are stuck in staying traditionally specific to their ethnicity and nationality; in which I think we as women should be open to dating and marrying ‘something new’. Hell, I’m about to go and pick up me a Geriod Butler  or Hugh Jackmen as ssssooonnnnn as I get my school money LOL.

But these are just my thoughts, not fact nor fiction, thus what I think about the subject………

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Written by DeityNyota

December 13, 2010 at 5:38 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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