DeityNyota

For Those Who Go Beyond Boundaries

Team Work Makes the Dream Work (Marriage is a Partnership, not a Dictatorship).

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I sometimes wonder what happens in someone’s relationship/marriage that caused it to come to an abrupt end. I see so many people around me happy go lucky one second in their lives and relationships/marriage; only to find out later they’ve filled for a separation and/or divorce. What’s so interesting to me, is when you open those ‘flood gates‘ of emotions by asking the opposing parties ‘what happened’? You get a variant of responses. Granted, each response will be based upon individual perception (and you’ll probably never really know what took place). But you find that its always the other persons fault 0_o? The individual speaking to you about the break up is alway’s innocent, never did anything wrong and never played a part in contributing to the dysfunction that lead to them going their separate ways.

“She wouldn’t cook and clean!!” one guy shouted to me as his whole mood changed from happy to psychotic.

“He would never give me time to myself” she stated as she boxed her ‘ex-mans’ stuff up in a box.

Both these people, was able to state any and everything they saw wrong with their signficant other, but the tone changed when I asked

“And what did you do?”

My grandmother (being the wise woman she was) told me that for every action there is a reaction. And when you care more about what makes you happy and completely disregard your partners needs, there will always be issues within that relationship/marriage. And in most cases it won’t work.

My guy friend didn’t understand that his ex wife didn’t have time to cook and clean the way he felt she should have, because he felt that her specific duties included devoting more of her time to him. Never mind the fact that they had children; he felt that it was her duty as a wife to give him sex when he ‘needed’ it. His excuses was that men love sex, and that the next woman he finds will understand (and agree) to that Yet, he’s never getting married again, he just wants a steady ‘common-law wife’. He complained about her ‘muffin top’ that magically appeared after having their children, and how she wasn’t working hard enough to work it off. He complained that the house was never cleaned properly, because every time he came home there was toys in the walkway’s and sticky stuff on the kitchen floor.

“How hard is it to cook a decent meal, keep the house clean and watch after the kids? I mean, its not like she has a job! All she does is sit on her fat ass watch soaps all day”.

Now, when you talk to his ex-wife, her story is a little different. She felt that he never did his fare share around the house to help out with the kids and keep the house clean. She felt that her sexual ‘rations’ where good enough to tie him over until later that night when the kids fall asleep. To her, as long as he was getting sex twice a day, that should have been good enough, because some men don’t even get that. She felt that she was feeling so much pressure to lose the baby weight, that it was becoming difficult for her to find the time and courage to get in the gym and work the weight off. He was constantly putting her down over how much weight that she’d gained after giving birth, that in stead of running on the treadmill he’d purchased for her birthday, she would eat ice-cream and cry. She tried keeping the house in order, but it was difficult to keep up with the kids, clean the house, cook a meal and still be sexy for him when he comes home.

“I’m being pulled in so many different directions now! I don’t know how to be a perfect mother, a good looking perfect wife and maintain a perfect house”

Even though I was regretting the fact that I even intervened in this lovers quarrel, I had to lend my 2 cents to both parties in regards to what I saw was wrong (from an outsiders perspective).

1. In stead of him complaining about the fact that she’d gained weight and hadn’t lost it after 3 years; he should have been supportive enough to be that encouragement she needed to get back in shape. If he was willing to spend $2,000.oo on a top notch treadmill, the least he could do was get on it once in a while himself to encourage her to do so, or pay for a memeber ship to a gym where they could work out together. Putting a woman down over weight she’s gained doesn’t help her lose the weight. It does one of two things

A. Makes her hate herself and completely destroy’s her self-esteem and confidence. Leaving her paranoid that she’ll be dumped for a smaller, younger, more beautiful looking woman (which could also drive her crazy).

B. Make her seek comfort in food. She’ll eat more and work out less; becoming completely withdrawn within herself, because she now realizes that her boyfriend/fiances/husband no longer finds her attractive.

Or

C. She could just leave and take the kids, since that is in many ways verbal abuse. Call someone Jabba the Hut, and Thunder-Tighs it not the what I personally would call ‘motivation’.

2. Instead of him complaining about the house not being clean, find a choir that he could do when he got home that would assist with taking care of the kids and keeping the house clean. He could start out with something simple as taking out the trash, washing the dishes after dinner, or getting the kids their bath/insuring they brush their teeth and tucking them in for the night. Even if he feels the ‘sticky stuff’ under his feet when entering the kitchen, he could also pick up a broom and mop and clean the floor once the day is over. This way she not only feels appreciated by the help she’s receiving from him, but she’ll feel as if her man loves and appreciates her enough to get on his hands dirty with housework. Thus, that’s one less choir she has to do, which saves more energy for sex later on that night. He could even go so far as to take a day off from work and help her around the house, or send the kids to their grandparents so they could have the house to themselves.

3. In stead of her trying to break her back being the ‘perfect wife/mother’ she should have been more concerned with being who she was as a person and doing the best she could to hold down the home-front. NO woman is perfect! No woman will be able to care for children who’re in between the ages of 2 and 3, while being in perfect shape, cooking the perfect meals and doing the right thing all the time, every time. She (and he) both needs to understand that being a mother is a full time job and can be both tiring and rewarding. If he had a problem with her weight, start trying to cook meals and find ways to cut back on the caloric intake and lose it. And she should have looked at it as losing weight to become more healthy and happy with herself, not just trying to lose weight to look sexy in a Teddy. This is a perk, but getting in shape requires healthy eating habits and a healthy self-image.

4. She should have created a daily schedule or routine for herself that would assist with becoming more organized and effective in her daily tasking. She could have designated an area in the house that was strictly for play for the kids; that would be sectioned off from the rest of the  house. Feed the kids snacks at a set time (getting them on a routine) so that there’s not a mess when ever her soon to be ex-husband would come home. By that time he gets there, the house would be clean (less the kids play area), dinner would be cooked and ready and they could sit down as a family to eat. Thus, the husband do his part by possibly washing the dishes and getting the kids ready for bed while she ‘freshen up’ if you know what I mean.

Most importantly, they both should have been woman and man enough to talk about their problems and finding solutions. When two people come together as one, they’re saying that they’re willing to work on their differences and finding ways to compromise in order to make things work. But I’m finding that most people of today have no  idea what it takes to get married and stay married (nor do they care too).

Breaking up, separating/divorcing does noting to solve the problem, if the individual is unwilling to acknowledge problems within themselves and work on them. The same ‘bags’ you had in that marriage will be carried over into the next marriage if you’re not careful.

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