For Those Who Go Beyond Boundaries

Archive for January 2012

The Miss-Understanding of Submission

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I Don't Think This Is What God Means by Submission

I Don't Think This Is What God Means by Submission

I’m 33 years old, unwed and no children. Many people that I’ve talked too about my assumed ‘dihilma’ always make it a point to tell me that one of the reasons why I’ve yet to find a mate is because I don’t know how to submit myself unto a man. Many who know me know that I’ve kicked against this idea for years! There was even a time in my life when if you mentioned the word Submission or submit in the same sentence as marriage, I would be ready to knock your face off. But as I’ve grown older, and my rough edges have been smoothed by gods tools of experience, I decided to actaully research and get a better understanding of this mythical word that I gave too much power too.

When I would hear that word my teeth would grind. I would think of the nature of relationship shared between a child and his/her parent, of that of a trained beast unto its master. I did’t get that warm and fuzzy feeling like most church going women, because I didn’t believe that it meant I would be cared for, loved and cherished by a good man. For me I saw images of myself slaving over a hot stove, with kids hanging off my hip and a man knocking me upside my head because dinner wasn’t ready when he got home.

The reason why this image was a constant reoccurrence in my mind is because it was a triggered memory. This is what I saw in my home as a child watching my mother play ‘fetch and step’ to my father. And I promised myself that this was not the life I would live. If that’s what being submissive unto a man  had in store for me, I just wasn’t going to get married. I would have ‘friends’ while living the life I wanted to live child free.

But for some strange reason, its something about turning 30 that completely changes your mind about life and everything in it. And I don’t feel bad about mistakenly assuming this is what submission meant,  because I’m not the only woman who’s had the same thoughts.  Especially when referring to submission of a woman to her husband, because in our society we never hear people openly and honestly talk about submission for a husband unto his wife.

Desperate to find out if I’m just being stubborn or if I’m really a ‘man hater‘; I started doing some research. Mind you I was called that by a man who can’t keep a woman happy to save his life, but he can tell me what’s wrong with me. Its amazing how people can see your situtation clear than they see their own.

I found many blogs, Vblogs and articles that focus heavily on this issue; but the only thing I learned from these various sources of media is that

A. Everyone who has a camera that can record an upload video thinks they’re an investigative journalist. Especially if they have a few followers to their YouTube Channel or Facebook page.

B. Opinions really are just that, opinions, because everyone has one. Even the ex-commedians or radio personalities who’ve been divorced and remarried or have chosen to remain single (encouraging open relationship) who write books and screen plays that become best sellers amongst single black women. Why in the hell are we letting people who didn’t get it right in their marriage(s) tell us how to be happily married?

C. Everyone has their own interpretation of what the term submission means (and they all think they’re right).

I had to snicker to myself when I heard radio personality Michael Basiden pose the question to his female (dummies) followers why we’re able to submit ourselves unto our bosses at work, but not to our husbands at home 0_O? Now, I thought that these two people play different roles in the life of a woman. I guess I was under the mistaken impression that my boss is my boss; and that I just work for him so I have to listen to him to get a pay check. But when I come  home my husband is my husband. And that I should be able to seek refuge from my boss through the comfort and companionship I receive from my husband. But, it was good to hear Mr. Basiden say that, because it reminded me why I stopped listening to his show.

Disclaimer: The thoughts and views expressed on the Michael Basiden are those of Michael Basiden, and in no way reflect the over all thought process of all men world wide. I’m fully aware of the fact that Michael Basiden has been once married and divorced and does not speak for all men who’re seeking a wife and living happily married.

I soon grew tried of hearing the rants on Youtube and watching the pure vitriol being injected into the vains of anyone whom allowed themselves to be verbally consumed by hatred towards the opposite sex. So I decided to turn to the TD Jakes Relationship Bible. Flipping through the pages, I became excited at the thought of learning what the good Bishop has to say about my ‘condition’. He and Mrs. Jakes seems happy, so it can’t hurt to just give a shot.

I turn to a note in the book of Ephesians titled “A Word to Wives”; where the good Bishop breaks down how men and women are too relate too one another when dealing with such a sensitive and delicate issue for today’s modern woman of submission. Using words of humility and gods grace he sets my mind at ease while explaining to “me” how I should see my future husband in my life and in my marriage in relation to my role in our union.

“So Much Has Been Misunderstood”

Bishop states that so much has been misunderstood in regards to the manner in which men and women are to relate to one another and their roles in their marriage. Many of us understand that society and tradition tends to affect how one will relate too and with their assumed roles based upon gender; but there are some things in a union that go hand in hand with masculinity and femininity.

Todays woman doesn’t ‘need’ a man for survial. Lets be honest here, we don’t need a man to hunt for food any more. We don’t need a man to ‘bring home the bacon’ and we don’t need a man to fix everything for us. But!! Most of us do desire, and are waiting patiently on a husband (not just a man) that will have no problems providing, who’ll be willing to ‘bring home the bacon’ and fix everything when needed. In fact men who’re seeking to be a husband (are who currently are husbands) want to assume the role of provider, ‘hunter’ and handy man. And they’re seeking a wife who’ll allow them to live as such. But for some strange reason, these needs and desires are being mis-communicted between men and women who’re seeking partnership with a future spouse. Based upon everyones misconception (or individual interpretation) of acceptable submission.

Side note to my single sisters: I just want to say that there’s nothing wrong with being single while waiting on your husband. Don’t let any body make you feel bad about not having ‘a man’ or like you’re experiencing a major malfunction in  your life because you’re not someone’s arm piece. Any woman can have ‘a man’; but you should desire  more in your union than just having ‘a man’ who’ll use you emotionally, physically, and financially.

YOU as a woman who should hold yourself at a  higher regard, understanding that with all the worldly temptation we face in our environment daily, it takes a strong woman of faith (a Proverbs woman) to WAIT patiently for her husband to find her. I believe that a woman is a ‘wife’ before she’s married; meaning she conducts herself as if she’s already taken. This is what attracts a man to you and makes him desire to make you his wife; not his ‘wifey’, ‘side-line’, jump-off or dime peace.

Keep in mind that your ‘parts’ are no different than any other woman’s out there; so a good ‘cookie’ will not keep your a man in your life (he can get that any where). Its how you love him and most importantly love yourself that keeps him.

To my Single brothers: A woman can be fine enough to get married, yet lack the ‘tools’ necessary to be a wife. A fine woman with a ring on her finger, (but doesn’t conduct herself as a wife) is nothing more than a woman with a ring on her finger; not your wife. Be very careful who you bed, who has your children, and who you allow to bear your last name.

Sorry for straying off topic

We as women, regardless of our occupations, what we own, or our annual take home pay still desire (still need)  a husbands covering. We want a man who’ll protect us, love, care for and cherish us as his wife. A man who finds a wife finds a good thing, and many of us who’re single are ‘good things’; its just that many of us don’t know it yet.

We’re still too busy harshly judging ourselves for our past transgressions, or we’re finding it difficult to let go of past hurt that it makes it hard for many of us to submit unto a man for fear of being vulnerable again. Many women feel that being submissive to our husband means we relinquish all control of our lives, our bodies, and our hard earned money over too a man whom we’re not even sure if he’ll still be here with us tomorrow much less 15 to 20 years from now. That’s how it was in the past. women depended upon men for survival and we saw how well that went for most women of these times. So I want men to understand how hard it is for a woman to openly admit that we’ll “obey” one man other than our fathers (the one in the flesh and the one is spirit) after all the other men we’ve known didn’t deserve our respect much less our will to submit unto him.

No, its not a good reason to find it impossible to totally submit unto a future  husband, but it is a reason none the less. And most of our unwillingness to submit unto our husband is no different that the unwillingness of most men to be faithful to one woman, after having experienced heartbreak from the woman he’s loved in his past. The moral to this story is…..we all have bags.

We (meaning most women) don’t understand that having a loving husband means we can let our guard down; because most of us have never experienced that before. Many of us have never had a man that was a ‘safe place’ for us to relax and reside in a calm and secure environment with. So many of us have only known men that we’ve had to stay on the defensive with, protecting and controlling our own interest. All the while missing out on the blessing of having a husband (not just ‘a man’) that wants nothing more in this world than to protect us, cover us with his love and compassion.

People Only Hear What They want to Hear

The Apostle Paul wrote

“Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church”.

People take this small sliver of scripture to literally mean that a woman is to completely and total give all control of herself over to a man and that’s it! Some men and women don’t even read anything else after than portion of the scripture so when you ask them what comes next they get this look on their face O_O. To me that reaction with itself demonstrates that they’re just repeating what someone else told them in relations to this scripture; which explains the inability to regurgitate the rest of the scritpure that states:

“There fore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husband in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of the water by the word. That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and with out blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself” (Ephesians 5:22-28). 

This is my interpretation of this portion of scripture, and all theologians are welcome to correct me if I’m wrong. If you love yourself as a man, you should love your wife the same. You wouldn’t do anything to physically, emotionally, mentally or psychologically harm yourself; there for you must not do  either of these things to your wife. Any man who desires to be a husband or who currently is a husband should be just as respectful and loving of his wive as he is towards the body of Christ and himself.

I feel that this is why women should seek to have their hand taken by a man that incorporate these same values into his relationship with the women in his life (i.e. mother, sisters, aunts, etc) because that’s a clear sign of how he’ll treat you. In my opinion a woman must find a man who has respect for women over all, I think this demonstrates the characteristics of a Proverbs man who will rejoice in the ‘rubies and gems’ brought forward from a woman with a virtuous soul; meaning she bears an intense love, honor and respect for him that creates a bond between the two that can withstand the ‘heat’ and pressure of worldly distractions. 

Contextual Mis-Represntation

The first half of this scripture is always taken out of context by folks who’re so spiritual that they think they speak for God himself. Overly religious, 24/7 spiritual folks whom have Gods direct line tied up so he can talk to them only. Or, you’ll find the folks who’ll take Scripture and twist it to suit their own means. Example the people who hid behind religion and its ‘laws’, using it as a shield when finding justification in their wrong doings.

This is where you ladies have to steer clear of the insecure men who always want to ‘put their foot down’ and show you who’s boss in the relationship/marriage. That’s a sign of an insecure man!

LADIES, please steer clear of men whom always have to remind you that they’re the men in the relationship/marriage and what they say goes. A relationship/marriage is not a dictatorship! Headship is not intended to be used by a man to dominate or rule like a stark mad, monarch. A man must seek the honor of having the privilege of being granted a woman’s trust and confidence in his ability to care for the needs and interest of the  household. Men who conduct themselves in such a manner are men whom feel they’re inadequate in comparison to other men, and will do everything in their physical power to assert their dominance over you!

RUN from a man who always want to remind you what your place is and keep you in check, in most cases its not anything your doing wrong, its his insecurities within himself holding you back. And that’s not god-like if you ask me.

In closing, as a woman, I (we) have many unique contributions to birth into this world and into our unions with virtuous men. You should not allow anyone to suppress your will and God’s purpose for you in life for the sake of being able to say that you have ‘a man’ and not a husband. Being subject to your husband (not just ‘a man) as being subject to your lord does not mean that a man should make you his doormat. And if you feel as if your future or current husband is wiping his feat on you, then its time for you to re-evaluate who it is exactly that you’ve submitted yourself unto.

Not every man can be a leader (much less lead), many men don’t understand that in order to be an effective leader one must know how to follow. There will be aspects in your union where he will lead (knowledge and experience wise) and there will be aspects in life where you will lead. But its not increasing your stewardship over him, nor his over you in either case. For where he is weak, he’s made strong through you.

Thus not every man is worthy of being submitted unto. As a mans wife, “we” are to be respected the same as he is, and should demand it! But you have to be willing to render the same respect unto him as you demand he render onto you. Love is a compromise (a give and take) where a couple must meet one another in the middle. And trust me when I say I’ve learned that it won’t always be easy.

And I think this is where a lot of women go wrong in their unions (at least its where I’ve gone wrong in my past); we’re so busy being so scared that their husband will be disrespectful  or act out as the men in our past have that we feel we’ve got to ensure he knows we’re not having that. And this is where the conflicts from your past show up and show out in your here and now. Please understand ladies that we can drive a man way from us with that attitude. A man doesn’t leave you per say, he leaves the environment in which you create for him to reside in. He does NOT want to be your husband and your psychiatrist, sorting through the past bags you refuse to drop.

Unlike women, a man can love you and not be with you; Trust me on this one, I’m speaking from experience.