For Those Who Go Beyond Boundaries

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I Love the words “Vast” and “Majority”, Indirect Generalization of Black Women.

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Gold Digger 4

Let’s look at the word’s “vast” and “majority”.

vast [vɑːst]


1. unusually large in size, extent, degree, or number; immense
2. (prenominal) (intensifier) in vast haste


[muh-jawr-i-tee, -jor-]  Show IPA

noun, plural ma·jor·i·ties.

1. the greater part or number; the number larger than half the total ( opposed to minority ): the majority of the population.

Put these words together and you’re pretty much able to make a broad sweeping generalization about a targeted group of people, a specific location, or thing.
I bring these two words together for an extensive examination, because I find it  amazing how some black men and women believe that their limited experience with a few individuals of the opposite sex constitutes an over all experience with the ‘vast majority’ of black men/women. The incorporation of this compound word into a sentence by any individual engage in a conversation about the opposite sex demonstrates a level of small minded pettiness; which assist them with comfortably labeling another being, pointing fingers and laying blame on the opposing gender for the dysfunctions they’ve experienced in their lives.
“They” think they know what girls like
Some of the most interesting conversations I’ve had with these ‘vast majority’ users, are heavily focused on the assumed preference in mate that they believe all black women share. These individuals tend t think that the ‘majoirty’ of us are seeking the same thing in a future husband. And in most cases  are the most negative of stereo-typical personality traits that range from
A Thug: Many black men I’ve spoken to assume that every black woman wants to engage in a heated bout of ‘thug passion’ with the newly released convict.
The “Baller”: These are the men who make close to or is currently making 6 figures annually.
The Rapper/Hip Hop Star: Normally these are the brothers who’re in-between jobs until Manny-Fresh or Jay Z approaches him with a contract deal after being overheard spitting rhymes at the barber shop.
The “P.I.M.P“: SOME black men mistakenly assume that ALL black women see the player type as being a challenge that must be met and defeted. As if many of us don’t already have or own issues; these men think that ALL of us want to carry the emotional bags of a pimp, in conjunction with our own. Hell, I’m too busy trying to figure out life for myself (dealing with my own issues); what in the world makes these men think I want to add more strife to my life, trying to figure out why some male whore can’t settle down with one woman.
Trust me when I say I don’t have the desire to answer of the actions of a woman from a P.I.M.P or players past.
As of late, its become increasingly

amazing how we witness harsh judgment of a black woman’s choice in mates, while never really hear anyone judging women of other ethnicities who chose to date/marry/have children with the ‘bad boy’ stereotypes.

Its as if black women are the only women in the world (walking the face of this earth) he go for bad boy ‘thugs’; rich men with money, or men who fail to stay faithful to one woman.

“Dammed if we do and Dammed If we Don’t”

Black women are constantly ostracized for such choices by disgruntled, frustrated men; whom in the same breath will provide the same persecution to a black woman who chooses to date/marry/have children with a man who doesn’t meet the listed requirements, but happens to be of another ethnicity.  They’ll make these ridiculously justifiable comments bout black women in bi-racial relationships/marriages that are along the lines of

“She’s a trader to her own kind”


“Someone had to love her, because no black man would want her”

American born black women are continually singled out as targets of criticism in such areas as looks, love life, dating/marriage, parenting, education,  size, shape, build, height, weight, skin color, hair texture, language, home of origin; you name it and there’s a Vblog on YouTube judging us for it.  When McDonald’s continued the McRib, black women was blamed for that. Gas prices sky rocketing, you’ve guessed it, black women conspired with President Obama on that one.  The stock market crash, ‘we’ did that too, the price of weaves was too high, so we shut that whole thing down.

Although, I’m being sarcastic here; (to me personally) it does feel as if

 black women bare the brunt of all the issues faced by the African American Community. We’re even blamed for the absent fathers and high incarceration rates of African American men; because the word on the street is that “The Vast Majority” of us drove them out the homes and into prison.

As a black woman, I’ve noticed that we can’t be too educated and to self-sufficient because then we’re ‘too independent’. But we can’t be too reliant on a man for support because now we’re gold-digging baby mama.



Should we make the mistake of choosing to give a brother with priors a chance, we’re an ignorant misguided black woman who craves “thug Loven”. But if we don’t give a brother with priors a chance then our standards are too high. As one man told me



“You may have to dig in the dirt to find  your prince”.



If we as women are gainfully employed, educated, and a home-owner (like THE VAST MAJORITY of women I know personally) then we’re “boojie” and high maintenance. Which makes us undesirable to a lot of black men; because now they feel as if they don’t ‘fit’ into our life styles or have anything to offer to the union.  Many black women are made to feel as if no matter what choice we make in mate, or what characteristics we say we’re seeking, there will be a unanimous vote taken by the He-Man Woman Hater Committee that rules in the favor of stating we ain’t about s_____.  Thus we don’t deseve to seek a ‘good man’ because to them we’re not ‘good women’. There’s a standard placed upon our heads as women that state we must be of lesser value (looks, money, education, social status, personal liquidable  assets) than the men we’re seeking, IF we want our hand to be taken in marriage. Because it must be a black man (and a black man only) that comes in and plays ‘Captain Save’em”.


But until then, here’s some generalizations the “vast majority” of you black women may want to adhere too:

1. You must be single for a long period of time when he meets you. Because he’ll ask his boys if they know you. And if anyone he knows has dated or hooked up with you recently (like within the past 10 years) you’re disqualified. He can’t be with  you knowing one of his boys ‘knows’ you. But, you should give him a shot even if one of your girls ‘knows’ him.  Let’s be real here, he’s a man! Men explore themselves, and she just happen to be something he was doing back in the day (or recently). “That was before I met you boo”.

2. Stay celibate, so that he knows no one is running up in it. But! when you meet him (should he decide to get serious with you, but not make you his wife just yet) give in and give him some. He needs to ‘test’ you to see if you’re sexually compatible and worth him making you his wife.  And besides, it adds ‘spice’ to the chase. Your celibacy serves as a challenge to him, to see if he can get it. Its like an added bonus to know he was able to ‘stuff the muffiin’ when most brother’s failed to do so.

3. If you’re a single mother; you must look good, be in great shape, educated, have a well paying job and have well-behaved children. If not, you’re a gold-digging Baby Ma’ma that’s seeking another sperm donor and child support check. And you’re disqualifed. But that’s only if he’s considering you for anything other than a friends with benefits situation. Because if you’re just a quick ‘hit’ none of this matters; you won’t be his wife and he’s not raising another mans kids.

4. If you’re single don’t be too smart (at least not smarter than him) because you must be ‘lead’ and taught the ways of the world by him (not the other way around). And if he learns anything from you then you’re “too head strong” “too independent” and trying to wear the pants in the relationship. And you’re disqualified. Unless, you’re just a quick hit; then again none of this matters.

5. This is the most important one of all! Get out our pen and pad and make sure you take this one down. ONLY date a black man. As a black woman its your duty and responsibility to only date brothers who’re accepted by the brotha’s when they see the two of you walking down the street together.  Because the brotha’s want to make sure that you’re keeping it 100 as a black woman and staying true to the cause. TO HELL if YOUR relationship with a man is about being loved by someone who loves you, the ‘brotha commity’ wants to ensure that no one of another ethnicity is getting a taste of ‘chocolate’. But, its ok for black men to engage in inter-racial dating/marriage, because they’re just getting the ‘man’ back for over 400 years of oppression and slavery.


When Being Freaky is Being Plain Greedy

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Image I happend to run across this posting on a friends Facebook page that I frequent and stir the pot of controversy in from time to time.  The posting read

“I’m a 39 year old black man who’s so much in love with my wife… But at the same time I’m real freak…I have fantasize about having a threesome…how do I go about telling her.”

Keeping it PG here, he explained that she’s no longer providing the ‘spark’ that he’d once experienced upon meeting her many years back; and that he was contemplating adding an ‘additional member‘ to his team. In his mind, he felt that this would bring forward a newness of passion that would provide excitement to a rather dull love life. But, the new team member could only be coached by him! Since he was the team hitter, no one else (no other man) could step up to the plate and take a swing at his wife. “that’s me and mines” he proudly stated.

Here’s my take on this whole issue that men face when dealing with desires of new flesh.

I had to explain to him that its quite possible that he’s not the only one who’s think about a new member if that area of his marriage is lacking. Trust and believe there are times that his wife deals with pleasing him while sacrificing her own needs (and possibly thinking about something new). And I assured him (as well as many other men that’ve had this conversation with) that his spouse may not feel that his performance is all that great either. Thus she’s putting the same efforts into these lack luster sessions as he is. You get what you give. When ever your spouse feels that being with you becomes a duty, he/she will no longer feel a desire for intimacy. Because now it becomes one of those chores that we must do but really lack the time, patience or energy to complete.

You’ll experience this lack when YOU as their spouse fail to continue to do the same things you did to get them, as a means of keeping them. Drafting a new member to your husband and wife team does nothing but add complications to a situation involving two people who’s business should be kept amongst themselves. The bedroom is the sanctuary of a married couples love; that’s designed to nurture the intimacy they share between one another, contained within the vows they took before God unto each other. Their flesh has become one. And the last thing anyone (man or woman) should want to do is bring forward someone who’s values for love and intimacy may not be the same as yours, or that may bring added drama into your union.

I personally can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would want someone else to view first hand the dysfunction between them and their spouse? The most intimate details that should shared between the woman/man in which you’ve formed a covenant before God should be taken before God, not “Sugar” the shake dancer.

But I found it funny how he loved his wife so much; and she was everything he ever wanted in a woman; but he was unwilling to ensure that she was just as satisfied as he wanted to be. He couldn’t see how selfish he was in his desire for new flesh; using the cop-out that its in his nature as a man to want more than one lover. This ‘desire’ which is really greed was causing him to have a mental block, that was hindering his ability to see the sensuality in his wife. His self-proclaimed ‘freakiness’ was nothing more than a selfish justification to satisfy his lust for another woman. Because I’m sure he’s already got the woman he wants to introduce to his wife picked out. If he hasn’t already slept with her.

After an exchange of opinions, he finally admitted that he simply really wanted to leave his wife for another woman. Which is a classic case of someone thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.

The 2nd Amendment VS. The Thug Image of Color.

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1016920_4928400260706_2106243091_nI find it interesting how we view gun ownership in this country (The United States Of America). On one hand, one image is seen as patriotic and a freedom of one’s rights to bear arms. Where as on the other hand, one image is seen as a depiction of impoverished crime, pre-medidated murder and a prime example of what’s wrong with our society.

Or, its seen as being justification for why the first image must fight to defend their rights to bear arms.

I don’t like to make such topics an issue of ethnicity (not race, because we’re all of the human race). But I like to focus more on the damaging affects of social norms, stereotypes and sensationalized propaganda in the media.

The first image is seen as being a normal American family, that’s proud of their impressive collection of firearms. The father is a man that provides for his family and will protect them at any cost. Society would have you believe that they’re all in their right minds, have no criminal records and have possibly never been convicted of a crime. They’re middle class (or affluent), drug free, educated and possibly reside in the suburbs. You wouldn’t think that maybe (just maybe) the guns they’re holding may have possibly been purchased on the black market (illegally). Thus they’re not accounted for and may have been used to commit a murder/crime. Looking at this image, you first thought would not be organized crime, nor would you see either of them as being members of a White Supremacist, anti-government group.

Maybe they are, and maybe they aren’t. But would the negatives of who would we assume they are would not be the first thing that comes to mind.

Let’s flip the script for a second

The second image could be one of an individual who has legally purchased and owns his firearm. Its possible that he resides in an environment where he’s forced to own a weapon to protect both his family and himself. Fire arms that he may have purchased legally! But, because of his style of dress, and yes; his ethnicity he’s more than likely to be seen as a repeat offender who’s been incarcerated and is possibly actively engaged in organized crime. The images being projected of individuals who looks like image two has programed society into believing that he’s a thug, gangster or pimp that’s ready to rape, rob, kill and steel.

Maybe he is, and maybe he isn’t. We know no more about him than we do the family in the first image. But his skin tells us what he is and what he’s about. Why is this an issue?

I place the blame for the manner in which we view image one verse image two to rest squarely upon the shoulders of the entertainment industry and the 24 hour news programming. Carefully selected stories and crime dramatizations assist with feeding society a hearty helping of visual and electronic media that tells us image two is bad, and image one is good. Not to mention the dramatic change in the hip hop/rap industry that glorifies trafficking narcotics, prison culture, premeditated murder and sexual objectification of women through date rape/sexual assault; its easy for us to view image two as representing the negative of American society.

But what if neither is good, nor bad?

What if they both have a criminal history?

Or what if neither have ever been incarcerated?

If you where to see either of these images walking down the street with an open carry weapon; what would your reaction be? Your reaction to their presence demonstrates your perception of who they are as people (may you know them personally or not). And it demonstrates how media has assisted you with developing your opinions people who look like them.

You’re Pro Life, but you Love Guns, Support the Death Penalty, and Hate Government Aid For the Poor

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934651_623154197709566_1828265228_nI personally have found the whole pro-life stance interesting. Because the people who protest against abortion will sit for hours upon end picketing and protesting outside of abortion clinics, even going as far as bombing the buildings and shooting doctors who perform the procedures. Yet you won’t see them putting the same time and energy into ensuring hungry children both stateside and abroad are feed; or that children in war torn and impoverished communities/countries receive the care they need.

They’re all for adoption, as long as the couple seeking to adopt is a stereotypical, heterosexual, Christian/Puritan model of what society deems “wholesome” and “stable”  Homosexuals, single women/men and immigrants need not apply.

Do NOT abort your child after a rape/sexual assault; because

A. That was in God’s plan

B. Your body should have ‘shut that whole thing down’, so its possibly your fault that a child was conceived during that ‘situation’ you got yourself into.

C. At 15 weeks a human fetus can pleasure his/herself ; so they have a concept of pain.

I kid you not, A Republican Representative used that explanation as his reasoning for standing against Abortion and Planned Parenthood.

In my honest opinion (and this is just me speaking) you can’t say you care for the well-being of an unborn fetus future; yet care nothing for them once they’re here. And this is not to say that all children who’re spared from abortion are birth into these unfortunate circumstances, but the question comes to light

Do pro-life people really care about the lives of these children?

Or do they care more about pushing a political/religious agenda?

You hate abortion, but you’ll kill someone when standing your ground. And you have the right to defend your property; you’ve worked for it and its yours. But when you see these people justify the slaying of unarmed individuals (such as Travyon Martin) based more so upon behavior in one’s past or stereotypes.

Are you really “pro-life” if you feel he deserved to die?

You hate abortion, but you can’t stand such government funded programs as WIC, Foodstamps and TANIF, that assist parents on hard times with providing nourishment for their chdilren. BUT you feel that billions of dollars in Government spending is justifiable as long as its for new military weapons systems and vehicles.

You’re cool with bombs and bullets, but hate breadbaskets and free government cheese.

Never mind educating these children after their born. Because you feel the Department of Education should be done away with. So not only do you NOT care if they starve, but you have no problem with them being shot and killed if someone feels threatened by their clothes and stature, and you care nothing about supporting the very system set up to ensure they’re academically competitive if they lack the funding needed to attend privatized institutes of education.

So you want them alive, just malnourished, impoverished, uneducated and at risk for targeting.

I’m honestly on no side of the fence when it comes to such hot button issues as abortion. Because I feel that various circumstances arise which may cause a woman to make an unfortunate choice (which is not an easy one). But I just wonder about the people who’re pro-life, yet stand against programs that provide food aid, medicine and education for disadvantaged children? Not saying that a poor woman must abort her child; but

are you really pro-life if you don’t support the programs that assist some people (disadvantaged and impoverished) with sustaining life?

The Top Twelve Reasons Why So Many Good Black Men Are Still Single (Just a hint, Its Black Women)

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I love reading articals such as this one. Because it further demonstrates to me that ‘we’ as a people really need to wake up, and stop playing the blame game.

So, just a basic synopsis, it all boils down to the pits falls of black women according to this article.


Black Women, (according to this article) are the top 12 reasons why so many (good) black men are still single.
Never mind the possibility that maybe (just maybe) some black men still have unresolved issues with past relationships that are hindering their ability to engage in happy and healthy relationships with “good women” in their present. Because its a myth that some black men cheat on, misuse and/or abuse women; due to a fear of experiencing re-occuring hurt. Dismiss that, because its all a ploy by ‘the man’ to destroy the image of black men.

There’s no chance that some black men may also be superficial. Spending more time looking for the women who look like Miss. Black America while lacking the ability to get to know her for who she is (beyond her sex and what she looks like).

And there’s no way that some black men (or men in general) have a negative view of all women (womanizers); and it doesn’t matter her skin, looks, or levels of education; he’s just resentful towards the female gender period. And last I checked, its nearly impossible to engage in a healthy relationship with the people you deem to be your enemy. Trust me when I say I’ve meet a few brothers like this in my time.

It all boils down to the fact that black women fail to realize the worth of a black man. We’re superficial, materialistic, indecisive, have unrealistic expectations and don’t know what a good man looks like when they see one. Thus, the continued perpetual ‘blame game’ that black men and women willingly engage in, while conveniently absolving one’s self of all responsibility for how ‘we’ as individuals contribute to the dysfunction in our unions with the opposite sex.

This is no different than a scored woman blaming her broken past with men on the ageless excuses that ‘all men are dogs’; even though she keeps choosing ‘dogs’ because she believes that’s what she deserves. The people that any man or woman choses to engage in a relationship with is a reflection of how these individuals see themselves. And if you continue to get with people who only like you when you have money, when you’re having sex or when you look good, then you value yourself as being nothing more than the physical tangibles that can and will change with time. Or, you chose people who’ll treat you with the little worth and respect that you limit yourself too.

I PERSONALLY feel that the major sticking points in this article should resolve to the fact that its all about one’s choices in life. And these choices are honestly (to me) not gender specific. Because no two women or men are the same; so the blanket generalizations and stenotypes do not apply to all situations. WE (men and women) have all been over looked by a potential mate at some point in time in our lives. But to say that black women (or black men for that matter) is the reason why an individual whom society deems as being ‘good’ or a good catch is single is preposterous!

Sometimes “WE” think we’re good; but there are people and past lovers who’ll beg to differ. People see things within us that we don’t see in ourselves; and if we’re unable/unwilling to acknowledge the positives and negatives of our personality traits and habits, that too can lead one to live a single life.

Not to mention not being willing to compromise of one’s views of gender roles (traditional vs. modern), possible hang ups with religious beliefs (if any) and even an inability to see the opposite sex as being equal in value or worth (i.e. women aren’t as smart as men, or don’t contribute to society on the same level as men); these are all hang ups that some men have that I feel are worth mentioning in this article.

Lets not forget about this culture of being unfaithful. Before you become enraged, I’m not saying that ALL black men can’t be faithful to one woman. But there’s this social falsehood influencing SOME men that being faithful to one woman is not in a man’s nature.  I beg to differ with that; because no matter how many women a man beds, there will always be one woman that remains his true love. And if your heart is with this one woman, but you fail to acknowledge or accept her as being the woman meant to be your wife; this too can leave you single. You’ll waste time seeking completion in empty women (the loose women you chase after) due to the fact that you’re pride won’t allow you to admit and accept the fact that you’ve honestly already found what you’re missing in the woman you continue to reject (for fear commitment).

But, for the author and those who’re in agreement, it all comes down to none other than the misguided, superficial, untrustworthy, scorned and resentfully bitter black woman. The ‘bed winches’ of slave owners, who’re brainwashed by a society that rejects black love and keeps us divided.

And black men themselves have very little to do with their singleness.

I love it! Its like saying, I burn my self repeatedly, but its my mothers fault that I refuse to take my hand off the stove top burner.

How convenient it is to blame other people for where “we” as individuals fall short.

No Nuptials, No Nookie! (Part 1)

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The indulgence of pleasing a woman's erogenous zones are just as important to women as it is men; we just need men to understand that its  even more so important to please us mentally.

The indulgence of pleasing a woman’s erogenous zones are just as important to women as it is men; we just need men to understand that its even more so important to please us mentally.

“The key to opening a man’s heart is to understand that, in intimacy, the masculine essence usually values the gift of life energy more than the gift of emotional presence. Life-energy–expressed sexually and as bodily radiance– is SO valued that many men have left a woman they deeply love for a woman whom with they can flow more deeply in sexual passion” –David Deida

David Deida is an American author who writes about the sexual and spiritual relationship between men and women. He’s written and sold some very thought provoking books that have been  published in 25 languages. He focuses on conducting spiritual growth and intimacy workshops, and just happens to be one of the many founding associates at the Integral Institute. He’s conducted research and taught classes at the University of California at Santa CruzLexington Institute in Boston, San Jose State University and Ecole Polytechnique in Paris; and he’s authored numerous essays, articles, and books on human spirituality including “The Way of the Superior ManFinding God Through Sex and Blue Truth” and the autobiographical novel “Wild Nights“. All books in which I plan on reading.

After receiving the 1974 National Writing Award, Deida was admitted to the Florida Scholars Program at the University of Florida; where he founded the Plexus Interdisciplinary Center, researching medicine at Shands Hospital, The University of Florida. And in 1982, he graduated Phi Beta Kappa from the University of Florida with a bachelor’s in Theoretical Psychobiology. That same year, he was granted a fellowship at the Laboratory for Theoretical Neuroscience at the University of California, San Diego Medical School; and he  conducted research in the ontogeny of self/non-self boundaries and the evolution of the nervous system and its relationship to space-time dimensionality.

Can we say “Jimmy Neutron” of the human sexual behavior world?

Now, this is one smart cat; and I take everything he has to says as well as ALL the conclusions he’s reached from extensive study at face value. With impressive credentials such as his, this man could probably tell us that the moon is red and we’d believe him. But I bring him forward because I feel the statement he made in regards to male sexuality has been taken out of context by some men seeking to justify an over exaggeration of male lust for the female species. I say this because I’ve engaged in some very interesting and heavily debated conversations with many of men who quote Mr. Deida faithfully, with out getting a better understanding behind the reasoning or basis of his studies. I think that these men tend to be more caught up in the sexual aspect of this statement, in relation to their individual experience with their own masculinity, that I honestly feel they miss the entire message.

But then again, people only take what they want from a statement, the results in a scientific study, or scriptures in the bible to assist with building a sturdy foundation for an argument, that’s linked loosely to their individuals interpretations of the world around them.

What I think Mr. Deida Means (From A Woman’s Prospective)

Some men mistakenly assume that Mr. Deida is justifying engaging in premarital sex with the listed statement above. Their logic tells them that this statement is powered more so by their over-wheleming need to satisfy lustful, sexual urges and less to express their love for one woman. At least not right way.

Sex for the average woman is tricky, for the simple fact that when our bodies are being used as an of expression of love or physical attraction we have a lot more to lose should the relationship go sour. Everything from or healthy, to our sanity, emotions and even our reputation is as stake when giving ourselves to man. And that’s based upon the assumption that a woman who’s giving herself to a man is “technically” in a relationship with the man in which she deems worthy of her feminine essence.

I speak from personal experience when I say that I (and many other women) have made the mistake of assuming that in giving my love (physically, emotionally and sexually) to a man I cared for deeply; he would freely release an equal reciprocation of love and affection unto me. I thought that if I gave myself too him, two hearts would become one and we’d live our lives like James and Florida Evans sustained by true Ghetto love.

But DAM! DAM! DAM JAMES! To my dismay, I was either left for another woman who demonstrated less sexual restrictions and moral standards than I (that proper folks talk for “She’s a Super freak”), or the thrill of engaging in the physical expression with someone new (me) had worn off, and he was now seeking the next ‘big adventure’.  He’d got what he wanted, the chase was over, onto the next episode. I blame this irrational form of affection on the fact that so many men use the act of sex as a means of recreational release; and less as an expression of love itself.

Now, this is not to say that all men are guilty of this. There are men who are just as in tune with their woman’s sexual needs as she is into his; but for a man who’s not really serious about the women he beds either on occasion or during spontaneous encounters; expressing his love for her is the furtherest thing from his mind during the act of sex. Sure, as he gains experience; he may prefect various techniques, which can be mistaken as a form of love in physical expression by the woman (or women) in which he pleases. But I assure you that a man who has or is seeking to have many (physical) lovers he’s not in love with the women he lays with.

Men Love Sex….Well, So Do Women!

Yes! Its a proven fact that men love sex. I think there’s not a soul on the face of this earth will deny that sex itself is an important factor in a relationship/marriage for man. But the fact of the matter is, women love sex too! And because we too enjoy the act, there tends to be this double standard placed upon our sexuality over that of a mans. Thus as women (the ‘assumed’ more emotionally fragile creatures) we have to be more selective and careful in whom we give our bodies too.

Think about it?

For women, or most women I know personally, to engage in the act of freely giving her mind, body and soul to a man is a cherished, honorable, virtuous, and genuine expression of love. We’re taught to be chastened virgins prior to marriage; only allowing our first sexual experience to be limited to our future husbands.  Even though many women don’t hold true to this tradition, we’re still held more accountable for the consequences that follows the act over all.


Some men simply enjoy engaging in the act of life procreation (that’s the fun part because it feels good); but they despise the end result of an unwanted pregnancy. She’s respected his desires by having sex, but she’s seen as devious, scandalous and a ‘wretched’ if she choses to have the child against his wishes.

You’re trying to ‘take him for his paper’ because you’re taking him to court to ensure he pays for the child he assist with creating.

Thus the option of  birth control or choosing to abstain from sex over all is always placed upon the woman’s shoulders. Because the second she makes it known to that man (who wanted to express his love for her sexually) that she’s pregnant, her love status in his eyes has changed. For some men she’s no longer physically appealing; the changes in her body during the pregnancy renders her physically unattractive, and her mood swings in relation to her hormones can (in most cases does) lead him to ‘need his space’. Prior to the pregnancy you where ready to show your “love” frequently. But now that you’ve created life you need your space.


If a woman’s heart is broken by a man who used sex as an expression of love; its her fault that she “gave it up” too soon. The woman is the individual force to take the walk of shame when its found that she’s been unknowingly added to a menagerie of female figurines; used for a mans sexual pleasure. She may not have had knowledge his true intentions for her; she had no idea that he was secretly positioning her to be added to his harem.  Heck, he may have possibly made her feel like she’s the only woman in the world for him; by spending quality time, purchasing gifts, paying for trips and the such. All the while he’s engaging in a balancing act of tending to her needs

As well as  the cute cashier at Wal Mart

And the secretary at his doctors office

And one of the single mother who’s son plays on the pee-wee league football team that he coaches. 

Some men tend to pride themselves on the number of women in which they engage in sexual intercourse with; in relation to their ratings on a scale of 1 to 10 in the looks department. They rate their women based upon

  • her body type (size and shape)
  • her assets (T&A)
  • her physical looks and facial features
  • skin complexion and smoothness
  • hair texture
  • level of ‘freakiness’ (what is she willing to do for him sexually).

They calculate these things in a scoring system that gives them accolades or ‘cool points’ from other men. And these unknowing women are turned into sexual conquest that makes for good sex stories during “Poke-her” Game  night while puffing a Cuban and sipping cognac. These men fail to see a woman beyond sex and beauty, because for them sex is not a form of expression in regards to his love for one woman;  as much as its about about how many women he can get, how good do they look to him, will his boyz approve of her looks, and does she make him feel like “a man” during the act of sex. He attaches the value of his man-hood to his “man-hood”. Because his conquest defines who he is as a man, and how his male counter-parts sees him.

The responsibility of recognizing his game and weeding through the untruths he tells in pursuit of ‘tail’, rest heavily upon the shoulders of the women that he beds.

Thus women are forced to be very cautious about who they give their mind, bodies, time, heart and souls too; making it difficult for many of us to freely engage in sex with a man before marriage. Many women have been burned raw by the illusions of what we thought where the love of a man; or we’ve known of a close female friend, family member, or co-worker who’s exposed her heart break after finding she too was a conquest trophy. So WE have to find a delicate balance between the time frame in which we give ourselves too a man, should we chose to do so.

Some women chose the famed 90 day rule; which is nothing more than an abstract number made up by a famed retired stand up comedian (who’s a self-proclaimed reformed Womanizer turned Christian)

Some women chose to do so after the 3rd date

Some women chose to abstain until wedding night consecration.

Either chose leads a woman to play a deck of cards with a “Joker” concealed within the shuffle. We never know what our hand looks like when first meeting a man, and to be truthful we still don’t really know WHO he is even after 3 months of dating. I say this because my rule of thumb when dating is that it takes  a good 3 to 6 months for a man to retire his ‘representative’ (the charming, thoughtful, sensitive man who’s professing his unyielding love for you); and the real “Him” show up and show out” (the bother that’s been waiting patiently to tap into your spine).


He just wants a “test drive”

For some men premarital sex is a means of ‘test driving’ a woman. Meaning he wants to engage in sexual intercourse with her with out having to legally commit unto her within the confinements of marriage. This option of tasting the milk with out buying the cow leads for a man to have room to breath easy in a relationship with a woman. It benefits him because he gets the wife experience with out having the legal constraints of having a wife.

The problem with some women is that many  of us buy into this ‘test drive’ notion as being acceptable. Some of us have had men reject us because our legs where not easily spread with by their words of persuasion. Its too much work to get to know a woman who won’t give it up. And its not safe for insecure men to get to close to a woman that he can’t use for nothing more than sex. For if he spends to much time with you, getting to know you for who you are (beyond the bed room) that leaves him vulnerable to possibly falling for you and being open to emotional hurt. For men who chose the test drive method, they can hold YOU (the gullible woman) at bay by telling you what you want to hear; while waiting for something ‘better’. And with some men is always about what’s ‘better’ because they’re never satisfied with what they have (not until she’s gone). So he’ll put time and energy into

  • Telling you he’s planning for your wedding; while telling everyone else he never had any intentions of getting married.
  • Showing you the house he claims he’s saving money to purchase after marriage, yet refusing to save money and fix his credit to make that dream a reality.
  • He tells you he loves you; but its only when your having sex.

And you continue to catch him in lies with different women that he claims are just friends; and you still don’t get it. So let me break down this ‘test drive’ for you good people.  “Test Drive” is nothing but ‘man code’ for

“I wanna sleep with you; and have you perform these ‘wifely’ duties (cooking, cleaning, washing his dirty draws) playing house; while he’s keeping my options open (just in case Beyonce leaves Jay-Z for me)”.

Our society tells women that closed legs don’t get a ring on it; thus so many women exchange knowledge of self worth’ for the sake of being able to say they have ‘a man’ at home.

Yea, you’ve got a ‘boo thang’, a new ‘bo’, or a sponsor who say’s you’re his ‘5 Star chick’; but are you in a REAL relationship with him?

How does he act when you attempt to talk to him about your future together (marriage) vs. when you talk about having sex?

Have you been introduced as his girl, his girlfriend, or his wife to be (fiancé) within the last past 3 years?

So many women don’t understand that there’s a huge difference in having ‘a man’ and being kept by your future husband. Some women don’t understand that your future husband will wait for sex, because he knows that there’s more to you than just your sex. Your future husband wants to connect with you on a deeper level that surpasses the depths of your womb. “A man” doesn’t care about waiting, because to him, all you are is convenient sex. What you won’t give him, another woman will. He can dump you for someone else who’ll play house when you forget to stay in your place and attempt to move past the boundaries in which he sets for you as his play wife. While your future husband wants to get to know you for who you are and what you have to offer him in a marriage, as his partner and not as his long term girlfriend. He’s more interested in investing time in building a stable foundation for a REAL relationship (future marriage) with you that’s comprised of love, trust, honor and respect. For he (your future husband) understands that sex will come with marriage; and its enhanced by love; which constitutes ‘making love’ not just having sex. Your relationship to him is not just a ‘test drive’ is a commitment.

Where as ‘a man’ just wants you for what you can do for him sexually; which is no different than what he can get from any other woman willing to give it to him (and probably already is, while he’s with you!).

In Conclusion of Part 1 To this On Going Saga…..

Some men will never really fully grasp the concept of making love to a woman they love until they’re able to get closure from hurt in past relationships that have failed with other women (or one woman). Yea, I said it. Many men are merely fore filling an empty desire for companionship with a woman by engaging in an empty exchange of meaningless sex. These men think that have sex with different women will ease the discomfort he’s experiencing from unresolved relationship issues of his past.

May it be his need to find a ‘bed warmer’; i.e. A Pretty.Young.Thang that will rub his bald head and pat his wrinkly bottom in older age.

A ‘homieloverfriend’ that assist with filling the void he’s found within himself during a bitter divorce from his wife of many years.

Or a man that’s been burned raw by the heat of a heartbreak from a woman he allowed himself to be vulnerable too

The majority of issues men have in their current relationship with women is not her inability to give him the sex he lust for prior to marriage; and these issues will not be resolved until they finally acknowledged and get rid of the ’emotional bags’ linked to the ghosts  of girlfriends and wives past.

Honestly, before they event think about pursuing another woman they really need to

  1. Have a truthful heart to heart with themselves: Conduct an honest self-evluatoin of how YOU may have contributed to the dysfunction in your unions. Get to t he root cause of why you fail to engage in a healthy, happy relationship with a woman where sex is not just the focal point of her over all existence in you life.
  2. Figure out what went wrong with ‘that one‘ before starting something new with ‘this one‘.
  3. Give yourselves the time needed to grieve from your heart break: Yes! that also means being secure enough your man-hood that you’re able to break ‘man code’ and allow yourself the chance need to cry. Heal yourselves from the inside out of the current  emotional wounds you’re nursing; prior to getting back into the dating game.

Why? Because men are every bit as much afraid of being alone as women are. NO MATTER how hard they try and deny this fact; men don’t do lonely well. This is why they mistaken sexual  lust for a woman as equating to an expression of love. THEY think that laying up in the bed and getting in between a woman’s legs means that they’ve found love or that she loves them. Because they’re replacing their temporary sexual experience with the new ‘boo’ with the experiences they’ve had with their past lover (mainly the one who hurt them). And this leads many men to use sex as a weapon of choice when emotionally harming innocent women; based upon the actions of a woman in their past.

In order words ladies, while you’re laying on your back looking up at a the scorn man on top of you; he’s not seeing you, he’s seeing the woman who hurt him. And he’s punishing you for her actions by sub-conciouslly getting back at her though your vagina. He never really allowed himself the time he needed to get over what happened between him and ol’ girl. And honestly, some men don’t want to get over what happened with him and his ex. They want to live life stuck in a constant perpetual cycle of bitterness by making every woman pay for her past mistakes. His logic tells him that while he’s giving you the business, that some how hurts her (the woman who’s moved on) to know that another woman has taken her place.

So ladies, be careful with a man who’s more eager to show his love sexually, and less emotionally, mentally and psychologically. Any man who doesn’t desire nuptials, is not good enough for you to give him to nookie.


“Cross…Alex Cross”

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Why is supporting creativity that’s different from what we’ve seen in the past a bad thing?

A friend of mine on Facebook tagged me in a posting recently that featured Mr. Tyler Perry. A very controversial, influential public figure and  house hold name within the African American community.

The posting read (and this is just a brief breakdown):

“If ALEX CROSS BOMBS at the box office (which it is destined to do) would it be safe to assume that TYLER PERRY will revert back to his comfort zone as a DRAG QUEEN? Did I say DRAG QUEEN? I meant MADEA?”

I giggled upon reading the posting, because I knew not to take it serious. He’s a good friend of mine and we  tend to go back and forward with one another over Tyler and his movies, shows and plays constantly. Thus, in the spirit of humility and good humor, we engaged in a long thread posting discussing Mr. Perry’s newest venture.

People have asked me in the past “Why are you such a staunch supporter of Tyler Perry?”. They don’t understand why I stand firm in my stance that his creativity is unique to who he is, and that his success deserves to be celebrated within the African American community. The conversations I’ve had with people about Tyler have in most cases become heated, and sparked a passionate exchange of dialog that have lead people to accuse me of having a fetish for men in drag and even asked if Tyler Perry and I where having a secret love affair (that’s the nice way of putting it).

But I find peace in understanding that I can’t do anything more about their misguided assumptions other than let it go, because the ignorance of some people (mainly many black people) is in most cases irreversible.

Some of us are so caught up on placing labels and stereotyping others (one another) that we don’t realize we’re subconsciously engage in the same form of discrimination against one another that we feel is being projected upon us by the elite and privileged of our society.

And as I venture into authoring a book that high lights the African American communities inability to find the courage to come together and support one another, I feel that various key points need to be made about Mr. Tyler Perry and his success with the Medea Character, while making “us” as a people aware of how bitter, resentful and slanderous we look when we speak ill of a black man that’s worked hard to get to where he is at this point in life. Because I believe that when we see such madness; we’re witnessing first hand how that particular person is spending more time and energy ostracizing and being critical of an individual they hardly know, vrs. wishing the best and nothing but success for that same individual that has possibly done more for the black community than themselves.

I may not like nor support everything this man does; for example I don’t watch his sitcoms because for me personally they’re not funny. But I watch his plays and his movies and I strongly support his efforts as an African American in Hollywood, striving to bring forward opportunities to people of color in the industry that I seek to break into. His trials and tribulations will one day be my own when I make it known that I put God first in my life and that my materials will have a faith based message that most won’t like nor agree with.

Don’t get it twisted, I don’t feel that there’s anything wrong with critiquing one’s work; lets be honest, when you put your work out there for all to see; you leave ourself open to both positive and negative criticism.

But I do strongly feel that there’s a fine line between providing constructive and creativity critiques of one’s craft; and simply tearing someone down. In which I see many with in our community willingly engaging in when it comes to Tyler Perry. Many of the critiques given towards this man are personal in nature, and you feel it when you mention his name in a crowd of black people. The mer utterance of his name gives birth to a heated controversial debate; where on one hand you have people who may not agree with his work, but still support his craft. While on the other hand (to the extremes) you’ll witness “crabs” completely destroying him, verbally assaulting his man-hood by making homosexual accusations (calling him gay), saying he’s a drag queen, even going so far as to wishing death upon him.


What has he done to you personally, that’s bad enough for you to wish death upon him?

My friend and many black men that I talk too states that they’re not ‘hating’ on Tyler Perry per say. They insert this convenient disclaimer that states they admire his bravery and can relate to his life story, in efforts to sugar-coat the adverse remarks that follow. To not make themselves look  hateful, that claim to support the works he’s done within the community (mainly  his philanthropy); they just despise the amount of times that he has revisited the MADEA character, or the fact that she’s even a figure within our community. Or they despise the fact that he is far more recognizable to the masses when dressed as his ‘drag queen’ alter-ego.

They make it known to me that their distain for the Meada character is not a result of a psycho-cultural “crabs in a bucket” mentality (it couldn’t be). Because A. you can’t support everything labeled ‘black’ (in which I agree) and B. If that were the case stars like EDDIE MURPHY, WILL SMITH, and DENZEL WASHINGTON would not hold such high regard within the African American community, or have a place in their beloved classic DVD collections. But they make it known that their over all disapproval for his craft is a result of a lack of technique in film editing, or the fact that the stereotypical characters have strong drawing power and pretty much emasculates black men.

Many of my brothers feel that “Big Mama” and “Shanany” (played Martin Lawrence) and “Wanda” (played by Jamie Foxx) are just as guilty when it comes to the homicide of the black male masculinity.  The idea that African Americans are forced to utilize a man dressed as a woman to spread a positive message of spirituality, pride, social responsibility and love to the black masses is shameful. In which to some degree I’m in complete agreement with them on this matter. Because it shouldn’t take a man wearing a dress to bring forward an accepted message of spirituality and self-evlauation. But what many black men don’t get (nor care to understand) is that Tyler Perry’s works and “Good Deeds” for the African American community goes beyond wearing thigh highs and a girdle.

Tyler Perry has done many great works within the community. Just to list a few:

A. He’s provided funding to help people build homes for Katrina survivors in a new neighborhood designated as “Perry Place”. The same as the famed actor Brad Pitt

B. He’s donated $1 million dollars to the NAACP in celebration of its 100th anniversary; which happens to be one of the largest single donation from a private individual to a civil rights organization. Additionally providing support to Covenant House in Atlanta by donating $110,000 to the agency.

C. This one is near and dear to my heart, because I’m an advocate for victims of rape/sexual assault. In April 2011, the organization MaleSurvivor received its first significant grant from the Tyler Perry Foundation; which allowed them to expand their world-renowned Weekends of Recovery program by adding new facilitators, support staff, and expanding scholarship offerings. Following the Sandusky scandal that broke in November 2011, MaleSurvivor responded by reaching out to Penn State, to offer any help it could provide by holding training sessions for Penn State psychological staff.  They have a documentary titled “Boys and Men Healing”  that I strongly recommend many men set their pride aside and watch. For the simple fact that male on male rape/sexual assault is serious! Its one of the most under-reported and less likely to bring forward prosecution forms of sexual assault; because most men refuse to tell anyone when this traumatic event has occurs.  MaleSurvior has greatly increased its use of social media to increase awareness and spread it’s message of healing and hope to survivors everywhere, and they have the full support of Mr. Tyler Perry, whom was a victim of molestation himself. And it take courage for a man of any caliber (famous or not) to admit to having experienced such a horrific ordeal.

And to be honest, once he made this publicly know, its as if his rejection from black men increased, due to the feelings of homophobia that runs deep within the African American community. They label him gay because he admit to being a victim O_o?

D. Tyler Perry’s “GOOD DEEDS” movie was linked too the “Good Deeds:Great Needs” initiative that provided support to Covenant House, a non-profit organization that provides assistance for homeless youth. Through, Good Deeds:Great Needs collected unused gift cards and donated all the proceeds to the Covenant House. Which lead Lionsgate to take it a step further and make a financial donation to Covenant House for every share of the GOOD DEEDS movie trailer. Every time someone watched the trailer, Lionsgate donated a proceed of the profits from the promotions and if I’m not mistaken the movie itself to the mentioned organization.

My support for this man goes beyond him wearing a dress or doing what many call ‘drag’; for the simple fact that He’s doing nothing no different than Flip Wilson, Eddie Murphy, Ving Ramies, Robbin Williams, Jamie Foxx, Martin Lawrence, Shawn and Marlon Waynes, Wesley Snipes, Robert Downy Jr., Dustin Hoffman, Patrick Swayze, John Leguizamo, Tom Hanks, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, And Will Smith to name a few. They’ve all either played a man in drag or a homosexual on screen to either increase the comedic value of their craft, add drama to their character by playing a gay man or made the choice to create a female character that was in most cases very stereotypical and politically incorrect. Yet, we love their characters (call them classics) and dispute, refute and rebuke Tyler Perry’s because it’s a character that promotes the gospel.

Tyler Perry’s materials may not be for everyone. There are people in this world who’re famous of doing less than what he’s accomplish (the Kardashins and Paris Hilton for example) But no matter how I feel about a persons craft, I’ve learned during my spiritual journey that its best to pray that he/she improves and possibly provide a product that I may enjoy. Because lets be honest, being overly critical of a specific individual is not only ugly and petty, but its unnecessary and uncalled for (its just not a good look on you).

People have stated they want to see him step out the dress and do something different; well now that he has the same people who’re critical of him for not doing anything different are the same people hoping this new movie “Alex Cross” flops at the box office.

And this is why ‘we’ as a people have issues coming together in support of one another, because we prefer to pigon-hold people into what we think they are, or the limits in which we feel they should not surpass.

These critical people complain about the repetitive nature of all his movies and plays; but now that he’s doing something different, they complain about the fact that it was him who was picked for the leading roll in an action/drama/suspense/thriller. Wishing the worst on the poor guy, which to me signifies a serious need for our black men (and some black women) to really and truly evaluate why they don’t like him. If the man drew millions to Medea, he’s created a foundation that’s allowed him to venture past that character and do other things as well as give back to the community (which is something that I advise all of “us” do).

Tyler Perry doesn’t have to ask permission from the African American community to do something different. If he chose to do so, he has that right. You either like him or you don’t. Either way; how you feel about him has no bearing on his over all achievements, support and success. And if we’re going to hold Tyler Perry accountable for the representation of black male masculinity, then we have to hold ALL of our successful black men accountable; and this includes T.I., Lil Wayne, “Pac Man” Jones, both Jessy Jackson Jr. and Sr, Tikki Barber, Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods, Flavor Flav, Lil Scrappy “Rat Face” and Chad Ochocinco.

If Tyler Perry is Tomfoolery and Buffoonery; than so is Love and Hip Hop, Basketball Wives, and almost every rap video we’ve seen to date.