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How To Be Black: I have to agree with Mia McKenzie

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One of my Facebook contacts thought it would be funny to post an article titled  “How To Be Black In America: A (Relatively) Short List” written by author and activist Mia McKenzie. Mia studied writing at the University of Pittsburgh ; and is described as being a smart, scrappy Philadelphian (now living in the bay area) with a deep love of vegan pomegranate ice cream and fake fur collars. She see’s herself as being a black feminist and a “freaking queer” (her words not mine); who’s thoughts and ideas are often reflected in her writings, which have won her such awards and grants as:

  • Astraea Foundation Writers Fund Award, 2009
  • Leeway Foundation Transformation Award, 2011

She comprised a ‘short list’ of things that black people should do in order to become accepted or seen as normal by the rest of society.  Now,  knowing my friend I’m assuming this list was brought forward in attempts to poke fun of CNN anchor and social contributor Don Lemon. Who recently shared with the world the lessons his families elders taught him about to conduct himself. But in my personal opinion, her ‘list’ actually back fired.

Now, I’m no one of importance, I haven’t won any literary awards nor had any of my works published, but (based upon what I’m seeing) I feel that If  she was attempting to engage in a game of snarky sarcasm, it honestly didn’t work. Because I and many others happen to agree with the list she provided. But I’ll explain the hot sticking points for me, in more detail; because I think some ignorant, close-minded, and petty black folks are missing the over all big picture.

Here’s some of the list

1. Don’t sag your pants. Pull them up. Slowly. Don’t make any sudden movements: I don’t know about not making any subtle moves, but yes, please pull  up your pants. And while you’re at it, wear a belt. I do not want to see your boxers, much less think this prison style of dress is appealing or cool. This goes for the young ladies as well. Advertising your goods in low-rise jeans or cut off shorts that stop two inches short of your burning bush is not the example of a respectable young woman. Nor is this look cute either. And you’re wondering why you’re having men make derogatory comments via sexually explicit and suggestive ‘complements’.

2. Stop talking about racism. That’s over. (see: black President): No, don’t stop talking about racism, but do understand that we too are just as guilty of being racist. Not only towards other ethnicities, but we do it to one another (inter-cultural racism based upon complexion). We too become enraged with black men/women whom chose to date/marry someone who’s not black, and we too say and carry out racist actions towards others.

So if we’re going to point out the wrongs of others, we MUST acknowledged what we’re no better. If we’re going to talk about slavery, let touch on how ‘we’ (some of our African ancestors) sold us into slavery as well.

Let’s focus on how the Black Egyptians enslaved the Black Israelites/Hebrews.

Let’s talk about how we’re still slaves in mentality as a result of the physical enslavement we’ve endured (and how we continue to perpetuate this mind-set with our actions towards one another).  If we’re to have an honest talk about racism, let’s be honest with ourselves and acknowledge the part that we play.

3. Stop asking the black President to do anything to help you. That’s reverse-racism. Or something: This one still baffles me too this day. Because I keep asking black people this, what do “WE” want him to do for us that we can’t and shouldn’t already be doing for ourselves?

We keep harping on what he’s done for other communities, but we don’t mention the fact that these other communities do what we refuse to do; work together! They fight together; stand together for what they believe in and they hold the government (not just the President) accountable as such.

They learn the process of authoring bills and legislation in their favor, and they fight to push these bills and acts through the house and senate. They’re active in local/state/federal government and they don’t take no for an answer.

They VOTE during the primary and mid-term elections; because they understand that who ever is voted into the house/senate and local government affects the issues they hold dear. This is something many of ‘us’ fail to do. How can we hold the President accountable for what’s wrong in our communities when WE won’t even hold one another and ourselves accountable is my question? If we don’t fight to keep our communities free of drugs and gang violence, how in the heck do we expect the President to rid our communities of crime? He can’t do that for us, we have to do that!  If we don’t fight to ensure our children receive adequate health care and eduction, why do we expect him to do it for us?

4. Get an education somehow. Speak properly, for Christ’s sake. But don’t be uppity: I love this one! YES, WE DON’T STRESS education enough in our homes and in our communities! So yes, I’m all for education and I feel we need to fight diligently to ensure that our children understand the importance of being academically competitive.

AND YES, we need to teach our children how to speak proper English. Slang and street talk won’t help you get a job and it won’t assist them with effectively articulating themselves. The perception of individuals who ‘talk like that’ is one of negative stereotypes  (uneducated, dumb and ‘hood’). And may we agree with it or not, it assist people with passing judgment upon first meeting you. If WE seek to be seen for our intelligence and not appearance, DO NOT give society more ammunition to label you.

5. Be nicer. You know people are intimidated by you, right? Why are you making it harder on yourself?: There are some sisters and brothers with some nasty, unsavory attitudes. Even though this is not specific one ethnicity, we can all admit that we’ve shaken our heads at them while standing in line at the supermarket.

We’ve witnessed them speaking harshly to customer service representatives, and cursing out cashiers.

We’ve seen them hold up lines at events cursing out the volunteers because they paid “too much money” to get in for this.

WE see it all the time and it’s not a good look for us. THEY (the one’s whom demonstrate this behavior) make us all look bad, because there’s no need to be that way. You don’t have to curse people out or tell them like it ‘T.I. is’ (rolling my neck and snapping my fingers) to get your point across. But we see this every day. The manner in which many of ‘us’ carry ourselves is very unbecoming and ugly.

6. Be successful somehow. But do it without any kind of help. I mean, that’s how white people did it, right? No help whatsoever: Check out the chart below, and ask yourselves’ why don’t ‘we’ American born Africans get it?

Black Africans and people of African Origins come to this country and fare better in entrepreneurship, education, and finances than that of American Born Africans; whom have the same opportunities available too them, yet we’re lagging in these areas. They come here with absolutely nothing but a few mere belongings and they open businesses that are thriving (some within our community), they’re graduating with higher GPA’s from prestigious institutes of higher education and they pass down self-made wealth to their children.

That speaks volumes for how ungrateful ‘we’ (those of us born here) are. They’re more successful that most of us; and they do it with very little to no assistance.

We teach our children to become great workers (depending upon someone else to create job opportunities for us) while they teach their children to become the employers.

They understand the importance of commerce and how it’s linked to successful business ownership.

They do what we fail to do, stress education!

So, if they can find a way to be successful with nothing, what’s stopping ‘us’? They work together! They fund businesses with one another and they understand how there’s power in numbers. And its less of them; but they’re faring better than ‘us’; making do with next to nothing and still making it.


7. Read a lot of books. Get recommendations from awesome people: YES! Black people need to encourage reading not only for our children but for ourselves. The problem I see with many of us is that we don’t read enough. And its one of the reasons why the chart listed above shows how we’re falling behind in education, and median house hold income.

Many African Americans refuse to broaden their scope and perception of life while gaining a plethora of knowledge on various topics by taking the time to read.

We’ll read Zane’s Sex Chronicles and 50 Shades of Stupidity; but we won’t read about African History, or how to become economically successful. There’s nothing wrong with encouraging reading! Pick up a book and turn off them damn soap operas and loosely based realty T.V. shows.

8. If you’re black and GLBT, choose which of those communities to align yourself with. I think the choice is obvious. (see: Recent Supreme Court Rulings): WE do this to our GLBT sisters and brothers! African-Americans reject them based upon sexual orientation due to religious beliefs and what we assume to be social norms.

WE see them as being an abomination, because many of us mistakenly believe that they made the choice to be gay (going against God’s design); thus such broad support within the African-American community for Prop 8.

WE don’t believe that their fight for equality is civil like ours, so WE reject their claims and tell them that their concerns are not ours!  We’re the one’s who reject them. Now, I have to admit that throughout the years our ideas and stances have changed, but African American’s still stand stanch in their fight against these civil unions (or making their marriage legal)


9. Try really hard to get on a jury: YES! We complain about African-Americans not being judge by a jury of their peers, but we’re not getting actively involved in the litigation process. We will refuse to sit on jury duty (see it as an inconvenience) yet get mad when a brother or sister is convicted of a crime by people who don’t look like them. Take a look at these statistics and just image if we’re more active in the legal system, ensure that everyone is judged equally.


10. Love: Yes, this is another problem with ‘us’! We don’t love one another enough. Black men and women don’t show one another enough love; and our mothers and fathers don’t show their children they love them enough.

We don’t have enough love for our communities, public schools and homes to ensure that they’re crime and drug free, up to code and a healthy environment for our children to flourish.

We don’t love our streets enough to keep them clean (NO we don’t) and we don’t love ourselves enough to ensure the images being projected of ‘us’ are not the negative and stereotypical images we see daily.

We don’t love ourselves enough to eat more healthier, nourishing foods that will combat hyper tension, diabetes and cancer. Many of us don’t even drink water because we don’t like the taste of it.

So yes, the Black Community is in dire need of love, love for one another, our children, our environment, our health/overall well-being and ourselves.

11. Look hard at your own individual selves and fix it so you can be better at love: One of the worst things in the world is witnessing a man or woman who refuses to take responsibility for their contributions to the dysfunctional relationships they engage in. These people will always blame everyone else for what went wrong in their relationship/marriage (it’s always the other person fault), while completely (conveniently) absolving their actions and themselves of being a contributing factor to why they’re either unhappily married, or can’t stay in a healthy relationship with anyone.

Some of ‘us’ fail to understand that for every action there’s a reaction and that sometimes the things we do and say to those we keep company with can be the reason why they’re “crazy”. Crazy doesn’t happen over night, there’s a gradual process of perpetual behavior (in most cases) that causes an individual to react a in a specific manner. Although this is not specific to one ethnicity, I always stress to both women and men how important it is to take the time they need to work on one’s self first! Prior to hopping into a new relationship after leaving another. I see so many people seek love from others, because they lack the spiritual tools needed to find love for one’s self. So I’m in complete agreement with this one.

12. Make crazy good, life-altering art: This one I can agree with 100%. And Its one of the reasons I started my small, minority, veteran, woman owned entertainment company. I was tired of seeing the images that society (and black people) believes to be an accurate representation of who we are. I seek to provide thought-provoking, socially controversial art that makes people think about how we as a people are being viewed and how “we” as a people view ourselves. We’ve seen so much of the negatives in the media that not only do other ethnicities believe this is who we are; we’ve come to terms with these images by embracing, internalizing and emulating them in the media geared towards black social-psycho consciousness.  The ‘art’ that we see today is no longer imitating life. And I’ve arrived at the conclusion that the lives of young black men (and women) is now imitating what we have been brainwashed into believing is art. Which is composed of nothing more than mediocre rap verses, over a hot looped track, heavy base line with half-naked (or fully nude) women in videos and on album covers; has replaced  what many within the African-American Community consider to be creative. There must come a time when ‘we’ become sickened with the perversion of our art by the entertainment industry; that’s telling us what it means to be black.

Please read “The 2nd Amendment vs. The Thug Image of Color”

I’m not sure if Ms. McKenzie was seeking to be funny, or poke fun of African-American pendants via social satire; but may she realize it or not, she made some really good points.


I Love the words “Vast” and “Majority”, Indirect Generalization of Black Women.

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Gold Digger 4

Let’s look at the word’s “vast” and “majority”.

vast [vɑːst]


1. unusually large in size, extent, degree, or number; immense
2. (prenominal) (intensifier) in vast haste


[muh-jawr-i-tee, -jor-]  Show IPA

noun, plural ma·jor·i·ties.

1. the greater part or number; the number larger than half the total ( opposed to minority ): the majority of the population.

Put these words together and you’re pretty much able to make a broad sweeping generalization about a targeted group of people, a specific location, or thing.
I bring these two words together for an extensive examination, because I find it  amazing how some black men and women believe that their limited experience with a few individuals of the opposite sex constitutes an over all experience with the ‘vast majority’ of black men/women. The incorporation of this compound word into a sentence by any individual engage in a conversation about the opposite sex demonstrates a level of small minded pettiness; which assist them with comfortably labeling another being, pointing fingers and laying blame on the opposing gender for the dysfunctions they’ve experienced in their lives.
“They” think they know what girls like
Some of the most interesting conversations I’ve had with these ‘vast majority’ users, are heavily focused on the assumed preference in mate that they believe all black women share. These individuals tend t think that the ‘majoirty’ of us are seeking the same thing in a future husband. And in most cases  are the most negative of stereo-typical personality traits that range from
A Thug: Many black men I’ve spoken to assume that every black woman wants to engage in a heated bout of ‘thug passion’ with the newly released convict.
The “Baller”: These are the men who make close to or is currently making 6 figures annually.
The Rapper/Hip Hop Star: Normally these are the brothers who’re in-between jobs until Manny-Fresh or Jay Z approaches him with a contract deal after being overheard spitting rhymes at the barber shop.
The “P.I.M.P“: SOME black men mistakenly assume that ALL black women see the player type as being a challenge that must be met and defeted. As if many of us don’t already have or own issues; these men think that ALL of us want to carry the emotional bags of a pimp, in conjunction with our own. Hell, I’m too busy trying to figure out life for myself (dealing with my own issues); what in the world makes these men think I want to add more strife to my life, trying to figure out why some male whore can’t settle down with one woman.
Trust me when I say I don’t have the desire to answer of the actions of a woman from a P.I.M.P or players past.
As of late, its become increasingly

amazing how we witness harsh judgment of a black woman’s choice in mates, while never really hear anyone judging women of other ethnicities who chose to date/marry/have children with the ‘bad boy’ stereotypes.

Its as if black women are the only women in the world (walking the face of this earth) he go for bad boy ‘thugs’; rich men with money, or men who fail to stay faithful to one woman.

“Dammed if we do and Dammed If we Don’t”

Black women are constantly ostracized for such choices by disgruntled, frustrated men; whom in the same breath will provide the same persecution to a black woman who chooses to date/marry/have children with a man who doesn’t meet the listed requirements, but happens to be of another ethnicity.  They’ll make these ridiculously justifiable comments bout black women in bi-racial relationships/marriages that are along the lines of

“She’s a trader to her own kind”


“Someone had to love her, because no black man would want her”

American born black women are continually singled out as targets of criticism in such areas as looks, love life, dating/marriage, parenting, education,  size, shape, build, height, weight, skin color, hair texture, language, home of origin; you name it and there’s a Vblog on YouTube judging us for it.  When McDonald’s continued the McRib, black women was blamed for that. Gas prices sky rocketing, you’ve guessed it, black women conspired with President Obama on that one.  The stock market crash, ‘we’ did that too, the price of weaves was too high, so we shut that whole thing down.

Although, I’m being sarcastic here; (to me personally) it does feel as if

 black women bare the brunt of all the issues faced by the African American Community. We’re even blamed for the absent fathers and high incarceration rates of African American men; because the word on the street is that “The Vast Majority” of us drove them out the homes and into prison.

As a black woman, I’ve noticed that we can’t be too educated and to self-sufficient because then we’re ‘too independent’. But we can’t be too reliant on a man for support because now we’re gold-digging baby mama.



Should we make the mistake of choosing to give a brother with priors a chance, we’re an ignorant misguided black woman who craves “thug Loven”. But if we don’t give a brother with priors a chance then our standards are too high. As one man told me



“You may have to dig in the dirt to find  your prince”.



If we as women are gainfully employed, educated, and a home-owner (like THE VAST MAJORITY of women I know personally) then we’re “boojie” and high maintenance. Which makes us undesirable to a lot of black men; because now they feel as if they don’t ‘fit’ into our life styles or have anything to offer to the union.  Many black women are made to feel as if no matter what choice we make in mate, or what characteristics we say we’re seeking, there will be a unanimous vote taken by the He-Man Woman Hater Committee that rules in the favor of stating we ain’t about s_____.  Thus we don’t deseve to seek a ‘good man’ because to them we’re not ‘good women’. There’s a standard placed upon our heads as women that state we must be of lesser value (looks, money, education, social status, personal liquidable  assets) than the men we’re seeking, IF we want our hand to be taken in marriage. Because it must be a black man (and a black man only) that comes in and plays ‘Captain Save’em”.


But until then, here’s some generalizations the “vast majority” of you black women may want to adhere too:

1. You must be single for a long period of time when he meets you. Because he’ll ask his boys if they know you. And if anyone he knows has dated or hooked up with you recently (like within the past 10 years) you’re disqualified. He can’t be with  you knowing one of his boys ‘knows’ you. But, you should give him a shot even if one of your girls ‘knows’ him.  Let’s be real here, he’s a man! Men explore themselves, and she just happen to be something he was doing back in the day (or recently). “That was before I met you boo”.

2. Stay celibate, so that he knows no one is running up in it. But! when you meet him (should he decide to get serious with you, but not make you his wife just yet) give in and give him some. He needs to ‘test’ you to see if you’re sexually compatible and worth him making you his wife.  And besides, it adds ‘spice’ to the chase. Your celibacy serves as a challenge to him, to see if he can get it. Its like an added bonus to know he was able to ‘stuff the muffiin’ when most brother’s failed to do so.

3. If you’re a single mother; you must look good, be in great shape, educated, have a well paying job and have well-behaved children. If not, you’re a gold-digging Baby Ma’ma that’s seeking another sperm donor and child support check. And you’re disqualifed. But that’s only if he’s considering you for anything other than a friends with benefits situation. Because if you’re just a quick ‘hit’ none of this matters; you won’t be his wife and he’s not raising another mans kids.

4. If you’re single don’t be too smart (at least not smarter than him) because you must be ‘lead’ and taught the ways of the world by him (not the other way around). And if he learns anything from you then you’re “too head strong” “too independent” and trying to wear the pants in the relationship. And you’re disqualified. Unless, you’re just a quick hit; then again none of this matters.

5. This is the most important one of all! Get out our pen and pad and make sure you take this one down. ONLY date a black man. As a black woman its your duty and responsibility to only date brothers who’re accepted by the brotha’s when they see the two of you walking down the street together.  Because the brotha’s want to make sure that you’re keeping it 100 as a black woman and staying true to the cause. TO HELL if YOUR relationship with a man is about being loved by someone who loves you, the ‘brotha commity’ wants to ensure that no one of another ethnicity is getting a taste of ‘chocolate’. But, its ok for black men to engage in inter-racial dating/marriage, because they’re just getting the ‘man’ back for over 400 years of oppression and slavery.

The 2nd Amendment VS. The Thug Image of Color.

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1016920_4928400260706_2106243091_nI find it interesting how we view gun ownership in this country (The United States Of America). On one hand, one image is seen as patriotic and a freedom of one’s rights to bear arms. Where as on the other hand, one image is seen as a depiction of impoverished crime, pre-medidated murder and a prime example of what’s wrong with our society.

Or, its seen as being justification for why the first image must fight to defend their rights to bear arms.

I don’t like to make such topics an issue of ethnicity (not race, because we’re all of the human race). But I like to focus more on the damaging affects of social norms, stereotypes and sensationalized propaganda in the media.

The first image is seen as being a normal American family, that’s proud of their impressive collection of firearms. The father is a man that provides for his family and will protect them at any cost. Society would have you believe that they’re all in their right minds, have no criminal records and have possibly never been convicted of a crime. They’re middle class (or affluent), drug free, educated and possibly reside in the suburbs. You wouldn’t think that maybe (just maybe) the guns they’re holding may have possibly been purchased on the black market (illegally). Thus they’re not accounted for and may have been used to commit a murder/crime. Looking at this image, you first thought would not be organized crime, nor would you see either of them as being members of a White Supremacist, anti-government group.

Maybe they are, and maybe they aren’t. But would the negatives of who would we assume they are would not be the first thing that comes to mind.

Let’s flip the script for a second

The second image could be one of an individual who has legally purchased and owns his firearm. Its possible that he resides in an environment where he’s forced to own a weapon to protect both his family and himself. Fire arms that he may have purchased legally! But, because of his style of dress, and yes; his ethnicity he’s more than likely to be seen as a repeat offender who’s been incarcerated and is possibly actively engaged in organized crime. The images being projected of individuals who looks like image two has programed society into believing that he’s a thug, gangster or pimp that’s ready to rape, rob, kill and steel.

Maybe he is, and maybe he isn’t. We know no more about him than we do the family in the first image. But his skin tells us what he is and what he’s about. Why is this an issue?

I place the blame for the manner in which we view image one verse image two to rest squarely upon the shoulders of the entertainment industry and the 24 hour news programming. Carefully selected stories and crime dramatizations assist with feeding society a hearty helping of visual and electronic media that tells us image two is bad, and image one is good. Not to mention the dramatic change in the hip hop/rap industry that glorifies trafficking narcotics, prison culture, premeditated murder and sexual objectification of women through date rape/sexual assault; its easy for us to view image two as representing the negative of American society.

But what if neither is good, nor bad?

What if they both have a criminal history?

Or what if neither have ever been incarcerated?

If you where to see either of these images walking down the street with an open carry weapon; what would your reaction be? Your reaction to their presence demonstrates your perception of who they are as people (may you know them personally or not). And it demonstrates how media has assisted you with developing your opinions people who look like them.

You’re Pro Life, but you Love Guns, Support the Death Penalty, and Hate Government Aid For the Poor

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934651_623154197709566_1828265228_nI personally have found the whole pro-life stance interesting. Because the people who protest against abortion will sit for hours upon end picketing and protesting outside of abortion clinics, even going as far as bombing the buildings and shooting doctors who perform the procedures. Yet you won’t see them putting the same time and energy into ensuring hungry children both stateside and abroad are feed; or that children in war torn and impoverished communities/countries receive the care they need.

They’re all for adoption, as long as the couple seeking to adopt is a stereotypical, heterosexual, Christian/Puritan model of what society deems “wholesome” and “stable”  Homosexuals, single women/men and immigrants need not apply.

Do NOT abort your child after a rape/sexual assault; because

A. That was in God’s plan

B. Your body should have ‘shut that whole thing down’, so its possibly your fault that a child was conceived during that ‘situation’ you got yourself into.

C. At 15 weeks a human fetus can pleasure his/herself ; so they have a concept of pain.

I kid you not, A Republican Representative used that explanation as his reasoning for standing against Abortion and Planned Parenthood.

In my honest opinion (and this is just me speaking) you can’t say you care for the well-being of an unborn fetus future; yet care nothing for them once they’re here. And this is not to say that all children who’re spared from abortion are birth into these unfortunate circumstances, but the question comes to light

Do pro-life people really care about the lives of these children?

Or do they care more about pushing a political/religious agenda?

You hate abortion, but you’ll kill someone when standing your ground. And you have the right to defend your property; you’ve worked for it and its yours. But when you see these people justify the slaying of unarmed individuals (such as Travyon Martin) based more so upon behavior in one’s past or stereotypes.

Are you really “pro-life” if you feel he deserved to die?

You hate abortion, but you can’t stand such government funded programs as WIC, Foodstamps and TANIF, that assist parents on hard times with providing nourishment for their chdilren. BUT you feel that billions of dollars in Government spending is justifiable as long as its for new military weapons systems and vehicles.

You’re cool with bombs and bullets, but hate breadbaskets and free government cheese.

Never mind educating these children after their born. Because you feel the Department of Education should be done away with. So not only do you NOT care if they starve, but you have no problem with them being shot and killed if someone feels threatened by their clothes and stature, and you care nothing about supporting the very system set up to ensure they’re academically competitive if they lack the funding needed to attend privatized institutes of education.

So you want them alive, just malnourished, impoverished, uneducated and at risk for targeting.

I’m honestly on no side of the fence when it comes to such hot button issues as abortion. Because I feel that various circumstances arise which may cause a woman to make an unfortunate choice (which is not an easy one). But I just wonder about the people who’re pro-life, yet stand against programs that provide food aid, medicine and education for disadvantaged children? Not saying that a poor woman must abort her child; but

are you really pro-life if you don’t support the programs that assist some people (disadvantaged and impoverished) with sustaining life?

The Top Twelve Reasons Why So Many Good Black Men Are Still Single (Just a hint, Its Black Women)

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I love reading articals such as this one. Because it further demonstrates to me that ‘we’ as a people really need to wake up, and stop playing the blame game.

So, just a basic synopsis, it all boils down to the pits falls of black women according to this article.


Black Women, (according to this article) are the top 12 reasons why so many (good) black men are still single.
Never mind the possibility that maybe (just maybe) some black men still have unresolved issues with past relationships that are hindering their ability to engage in happy and healthy relationships with “good women” in their present. Because its a myth that some black men cheat on, misuse and/or abuse women; due to a fear of experiencing re-occuring hurt. Dismiss that, because its all a ploy by ‘the man’ to destroy the image of black men.

There’s no chance that some black men may also be superficial. Spending more time looking for the women who look like Miss. Black America while lacking the ability to get to know her for who she is (beyond her sex and what she looks like).

And there’s no way that some black men (or men in general) have a negative view of all women (womanizers); and it doesn’t matter her skin, looks, or levels of education; he’s just resentful towards the female gender period. And last I checked, its nearly impossible to engage in a healthy relationship with the people you deem to be your enemy. Trust me when I say I’ve meet a few brothers like this in my time.

It all boils down to the fact that black women fail to realize the worth of a black man. We’re superficial, materialistic, indecisive, have unrealistic expectations and don’t know what a good man looks like when they see one. Thus, the continued perpetual ‘blame game’ that black men and women willingly engage in, while conveniently absolving one’s self of all responsibility for how ‘we’ as individuals contribute to the dysfunction in our unions with the opposite sex.

This is no different than a scored woman blaming her broken past with men on the ageless excuses that ‘all men are dogs’; even though she keeps choosing ‘dogs’ because she believes that’s what she deserves. The people that any man or woman choses to engage in a relationship with is a reflection of how these individuals see themselves. And if you continue to get with people who only like you when you have money, when you’re having sex or when you look good, then you value yourself as being nothing more than the physical tangibles that can and will change with time. Or, you chose people who’ll treat you with the little worth and respect that you limit yourself too.

I PERSONALLY feel that the major sticking points in this article should resolve to the fact that its all about one’s choices in life. And these choices are honestly (to me) not gender specific. Because no two women or men are the same; so the blanket generalizations and stenotypes do not apply to all situations. WE (men and women) have all been over looked by a potential mate at some point in time in our lives. But to say that black women (or black men for that matter) is the reason why an individual whom society deems as being ‘good’ or a good catch is single is preposterous!

Sometimes “WE” think we’re good; but there are people and past lovers who’ll beg to differ. People see things within us that we don’t see in ourselves; and if we’re unable/unwilling to acknowledge the positives and negatives of our personality traits and habits, that too can lead one to live a single life.

Not to mention not being willing to compromise of one’s views of gender roles (traditional vs. modern), possible hang ups with religious beliefs (if any) and even an inability to see the opposite sex as being equal in value or worth (i.e. women aren’t as smart as men, or don’t contribute to society on the same level as men); these are all hang ups that some men have that I feel are worth mentioning in this article.

Lets not forget about this culture of being unfaithful. Before you become enraged, I’m not saying that ALL black men can’t be faithful to one woman. But there’s this social falsehood influencing SOME men that being faithful to one woman is not in a man’s nature.  I beg to differ with that; because no matter how many women a man beds, there will always be one woman that remains his true love. And if your heart is with this one woman, but you fail to acknowledge or accept her as being the woman meant to be your wife; this too can leave you single. You’ll waste time seeking completion in empty women (the loose women you chase after) due to the fact that you’re pride won’t allow you to admit and accept the fact that you’ve honestly already found what you’re missing in the woman you continue to reject (for fear commitment).

But, for the author and those who’re in agreement, it all comes down to none other than the misguided, superficial, untrustworthy, scorned and resentfully bitter black woman. The ‘bed winches’ of slave owners, who’re brainwashed by a society that rejects black love and keeps us divided.

And black men themselves have very little to do with their singleness.

I love it! Its like saying, I burn my self repeatedly, but its my mothers fault that I refuse to take my hand off the stove top burner.

How convenient it is to blame other people for where “we” as individuals fall short.

No Nuptials, No Nookie! (Part 1)

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Written by DeityNyota

December 6, 2012 at 9:49 pm

No Nuptials, No Nookie! (Part 1)

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The indulgence of pleasing a woman's erogenous zones are just as important to women as it is men; we just need men to understand that its  even more so important to please us mentally.

The indulgence of pleasing a woman’s erogenous zones are just as important to women as it is men; we just need men to understand that its even more so important to please us mentally.

“The key to opening a man’s heart is to understand that, in intimacy, the masculine essence usually values the gift of life energy more than the gift of emotional presence. Life-energy–expressed sexually and as bodily radiance– is SO valued that many men have left a woman they deeply love for a woman whom with they can flow more deeply in sexual passion” –David Deida

David Deida is an American author who writes about the sexual and spiritual relationship between men and women. He’s written and sold some very thought provoking books that have been  published in 25 languages. He focuses on conducting spiritual growth and intimacy workshops, and just happens to be one of the many founding associates at the Integral Institute. He’s conducted research and taught classes at the University of California at Santa CruzLexington Institute in Boston, San Jose State University and Ecole Polytechnique in Paris; and he’s authored numerous essays, articles, and books on human spirituality including “The Way of the Superior ManFinding God Through Sex and Blue Truth” and the autobiographical novel “Wild Nights“. All books in which I plan on reading.

After receiving the 1974 National Writing Award, Deida was admitted to the Florida Scholars Program at the University of Florida; where he founded the Plexus Interdisciplinary Center, researching medicine at Shands Hospital, The University of Florida. And in 1982, he graduated Phi Beta Kappa from the University of Florida with a bachelor’s in Theoretical Psychobiology. That same year, he was granted a fellowship at the Laboratory for Theoretical Neuroscience at the University of California, San Diego Medical School; and he  conducted research in the ontogeny of self/non-self boundaries and the evolution of the nervous system and its relationship to space-time dimensionality.

Can we say “Jimmy Neutron” of the human sexual behavior world?

Now, this is one smart cat; and I take everything he has to says as well as ALL the conclusions he’s reached from extensive study at face value. With impressive credentials such as his, this man could probably tell us that the moon is red and we’d believe him. But I bring him forward because I feel the statement he made in regards to male sexuality has been taken out of context by some men seeking to justify an over exaggeration of male lust for the female species. I say this because I’ve engaged in some very interesting and heavily debated conversations with many of men who quote Mr. Deida faithfully, with out getting a better understanding behind the reasoning or basis of his studies. I think that these men tend to be more caught up in the sexual aspect of this statement, in relation to their individual experience with their own masculinity, that I honestly feel they miss the entire message.

But then again, people only take what they want from a statement, the results in a scientific study, or scriptures in the bible to assist with building a sturdy foundation for an argument, that’s linked loosely to their individuals interpretations of the world around them.

What I think Mr. Deida Means (From A Woman’s Prospective)

Some men mistakenly assume that Mr. Deida is justifying engaging in premarital sex with the listed statement above. Their logic tells them that this statement is powered more so by their over-wheleming need to satisfy lustful, sexual urges and less to express their love for one woman. At least not right way.

Sex for the average woman is tricky, for the simple fact that when our bodies are being used as an of expression of love or physical attraction we have a lot more to lose should the relationship go sour. Everything from or healthy, to our sanity, emotions and even our reputation is as stake when giving ourselves to man. And that’s based upon the assumption that a woman who’s giving herself to a man is “technically” in a relationship with the man in which she deems worthy of her feminine essence.

I speak from personal experience when I say that I (and many other women) have made the mistake of assuming that in giving my love (physically, emotionally and sexually) to a man I cared for deeply; he would freely release an equal reciprocation of love and affection unto me. I thought that if I gave myself too him, two hearts would become one and we’d live our lives like James and Florida Evans sustained by true Ghetto love.

But DAM! DAM! DAM JAMES! To my dismay, I was either left for another woman who demonstrated less sexual restrictions and moral standards than I (that proper folks talk for “She’s a Super freak”), or the thrill of engaging in the physical expression with someone new (me) had worn off, and he was now seeking the next ‘big adventure’.  He’d got what he wanted, the chase was over, onto the next episode. I blame this irrational form of affection on the fact that so many men use the act of sex as a means of recreational release; and less as an expression of love itself.

Now, this is not to say that all men are guilty of this. There are men who are just as in tune with their woman’s sexual needs as she is into his; but for a man who’s not really serious about the women he beds either on occasion or during spontaneous encounters; expressing his love for her is the furtherest thing from his mind during the act of sex. Sure, as he gains experience; he may prefect various techniques, which can be mistaken as a form of love in physical expression by the woman (or women) in which he pleases. But I assure you that a man who has or is seeking to have many (physical) lovers he’s not in love with the women he lays with.

Men Love Sex….Well, So Do Women!

Yes! Its a proven fact that men love sex. I think there’s not a soul on the face of this earth will deny that sex itself is an important factor in a relationship/marriage for man. But the fact of the matter is, women love sex too! And because we too enjoy the act, there tends to be this double standard placed upon our sexuality over that of a mans. Thus as women (the ‘assumed’ more emotionally fragile creatures) we have to be more selective and careful in whom we give our bodies too.

Think about it?

For women, or most women I know personally, to engage in the act of freely giving her mind, body and soul to a man is a cherished, honorable, virtuous, and genuine expression of love. We’re taught to be chastened virgins prior to marriage; only allowing our first sexual experience to be limited to our future husbands.  Even though many women don’t hold true to this tradition, we’re still held more accountable for the consequences that follows the act over all.


Some men simply enjoy engaging in the act of life procreation (that’s the fun part because it feels good); but they despise the end result of an unwanted pregnancy. She’s respected his desires by having sex, but she’s seen as devious, scandalous and a ‘wretched’ if she choses to have the child against his wishes.

You’re trying to ‘take him for his paper’ because you’re taking him to court to ensure he pays for the child he assist with creating.

Thus the option of  birth control or choosing to abstain from sex over all is always placed upon the woman’s shoulders. Because the second she makes it known to that man (who wanted to express his love for her sexually) that she’s pregnant, her love status in his eyes has changed. For some men she’s no longer physically appealing; the changes in her body during the pregnancy renders her physically unattractive, and her mood swings in relation to her hormones can (in most cases does) lead him to ‘need his space’. Prior to the pregnancy you where ready to show your “love” frequently. But now that you’ve created life you need your space.


If a woman’s heart is broken by a man who used sex as an expression of love; its her fault that she “gave it up” too soon. The woman is the individual force to take the walk of shame when its found that she’s been unknowingly added to a menagerie of female figurines; used for a mans sexual pleasure. She may not have had knowledge his true intentions for her; she had no idea that he was secretly positioning her to be added to his harem.  Heck, he may have possibly made her feel like she’s the only woman in the world for him; by spending quality time, purchasing gifts, paying for trips and the such. All the while he’s engaging in a balancing act of tending to her needs

As well as  the cute cashier at Wal Mart

And the secretary at his doctors office

And one of the single mother who’s son plays on the pee-wee league football team that he coaches. 

Some men tend to pride themselves on the number of women in which they engage in sexual intercourse with; in relation to their ratings on a scale of 1 to 10 in the looks department. They rate their women based upon

  • her body type (size and shape)
  • her assets (T&A)
  • her physical looks and facial features
  • skin complexion and smoothness
  • hair texture
  • level of ‘freakiness’ (what is she willing to do for him sexually).

They calculate these things in a scoring system that gives them accolades or ‘cool points’ from other men. And these unknowing women are turned into sexual conquest that makes for good sex stories during “Poke-her” Game  night while puffing a Cuban and sipping cognac. These men fail to see a woman beyond sex and beauty, because for them sex is not a form of expression in regards to his love for one woman;  as much as its about about how many women he can get, how good do they look to him, will his boyz approve of her looks, and does she make him feel like “a man” during the act of sex. He attaches the value of his man-hood to his “man-hood”. Because his conquest defines who he is as a man, and how his male counter-parts sees him.

The responsibility of recognizing his game and weeding through the untruths he tells in pursuit of ‘tail’, rest heavily upon the shoulders of the women that he beds.

Thus women are forced to be very cautious about who they give their mind, bodies, time, heart and souls too; making it difficult for many of us to freely engage in sex with a man before marriage. Many women have been burned raw by the illusions of what we thought where the love of a man; or we’ve known of a close female friend, family member, or co-worker who’s exposed her heart break after finding she too was a conquest trophy. So WE have to find a delicate balance between the time frame in which we give ourselves too a man, should we chose to do so.

Some women chose the famed 90 day rule; which is nothing more than an abstract number made up by a famed retired stand up comedian (who’s a self-proclaimed reformed Womanizer turned Christian)

Some women chose to do so after the 3rd date

Some women chose to abstain until wedding night consecration.

Either chose leads a woman to play a deck of cards with a “Joker” concealed within the shuffle. We never know what our hand looks like when first meeting a man, and to be truthful we still don’t really know WHO he is even after 3 months of dating. I say this because my rule of thumb when dating is that it takes  a good 3 to 6 months for a man to retire his ‘representative’ (the charming, thoughtful, sensitive man who’s professing his unyielding love for you); and the real “Him” show up and show out” (the bother that’s been waiting patiently to tap into your spine).


He just wants a “test drive”

For some men premarital sex is a means of ‘test driving’ a woman. Meaning he wants to engage in sexual intercourse with her with out having to legally commit unto her within the confinements of marriage. This option of tasting the milk with out buying the cow leads for a man to have room to breath easy in a relationship with a woman. It benefits him because he gets the wife experience with out having the legal constraints of having a wife.

The problem with some women is that many  of us buy into this ‘test drive’ notion as being acceptable. Some of us have had men reject us because our legs where not easily spread with by their words of persuasion. Its too much work to get to know a woman who won’t give it up. And its not safe for insecure men to get to close to a woman that he can’t use for nothing more than sex. For if he spends to much time with you, getting to know you for who you are (beyond the bed room) that leaves him vulnerable to possibly falling for you and being open to emotional hurt. For men who chose the test drive method, they can hold YOU (the gullible woman) at bay by telling you what you want to hear; while waiting for something ‘better’. And with some men is always about what’s ‘better’ because they’re never satisfied with what they have (not until she’s gone). So he’ll put time and energy into

  • Telling you he’s planning for your wedding; while telling everyone else he never had any intentions of getting married.
  • Showing you the house he claims he’s saving money to purchase after marriage, yet refusing to save money and fix his credit to make that dream a reality.
  • He tells you he loves you; but its only when your having sex.

And you continue to catch him in lies with different women that he claims are just friends; and you still don’t get it. So let me break down this ‘test drive’ for you good people.  “Test Drive” is nothing but ‘man code’ for

“I wanna sleep with you; and have you perform these ‘wifely’ duties (cooking, cleaning, washing his dirty draws) playing house; while he’s keeping my options open (just in case Beyonce leaves Jay-Z for me)”.

Our society tells women that closed legs don’t get a ring on it; thus so many women exchange knowledge of self worth’ for the sake of being able to say they have ‘a man’ at home.

Yea, you’ve got a ‘boo thang’, a new ‘bo’, or a sponsor who say’s you’re his ‘5 Star chick’; but are you in a REAL relationship with him?

How does he act when you attempt to talk to him about your future together (marriage) vs. when you talk about having sex?

Have you been introduced as his girl, his girlfriend, or his wife to be (fiancé) within the last past 3 years?

So many women don’t understand that there’s a huge difference in having ‘a man’ and being kept by your future husband. Some women don’t understand that your future husband will wait for sex, because he knows that there’s more to you than just your sex. Your future husband wants to connect with you on a deeper level that surpasses the depths of your womb. “A man” doesn’t care about waiting, because to him, all you are is convenient sex. What you won’t give him, another woman will. He can dump you for someone else who’ll play house when you forget to stay in your place and attempt to move past the boundaries in which he sets for you as his play wife. While your future husband wants to get to know you for who you are and what you have to offer him in a marriage, as his partner and not as his long term girlfriend. He’s more interested in investing time in building a stable foundation for a REAL relationship (future marriage) with you that’s comprised of love, trust, honor and respect. For he (your future husband) understands that sex will come with marriage; and its enhanced by love; which constitutes ‘making love’ not just having sex. Your relationship to him is not just a ‘test drive’ is a commitment.

Where as ‘a man’ just wants you for what you can do for him sexually; which is no different than what he can get from any other woman willing to give it to him (and probably already is, while he’s with you!).

In Conclusion of Part 1 To this On Going Saga…..

Some men will never really fully grasp the concept of making love to a woman they love until they’re able to get closure from hurt in past relationships that have failed with other women (or one woman). Yea, I said it. Many men are merely fore filling an empty desire for companionship with a woman by engaging in an empty exchange of meaningless sex. These men think that have sex with different women will ease the discomfort he’s experiencing from unresolved relationship issues of his past.

May it be his need to find a ‘bed warmer’; i.e. A Pretty.Young.Thang that will rub his bald head and pat his wrinkly bottom in older age.

A ‘homieloverfriend’ that assist with filling the void he’s found within himself during a bitter divorce from his wife of many years.

Or a man that’s been burned raw by the heat of a heartbreak from a woman he allowed himself to be vulnerable too

The majority of issues men have in their current relationship with women is not her inability to give him the sex he lust for prior to marriage; and these issues will not be resolved until they finally acknowledged and get rid of the ’emotional bags’ linked to the ghosts  of girlfriends and wives past.

Honestly, before they event think about pursuing another woman they really need to

  1. Have a truthful heart to heart with themselves: Conduct an honest self-evluatoin of how YOU may have contributed to the dysfunction in your unions. Get to t he root cause of why you fail to engage in a healthy, happy relationship with a woman where sex is not just the focal point of her over all existence in you life.
  2. Figure out what went wrong with ‘that one‘ before starting something new with ‘this one‘.
  3. Give yourselves the time needed to grieve from your heart break: Yes! that also means being secure enough your man-hood that you’re able to break ‘man code’ and allow yourself the chance need to cry. Heal yourselves from the inside out of the current  emotional wounds you’re nursing; prior to getting back into the dating game.

Why? Because men are every bit as much afraid of being alone as women are. NO MATTER how hard they try and deny this fact; men don’t do lonely well. This is why they mistaken sexual  lust for a woman as equating to an expression of love. THEY think that laying up in the bed and getting in between a woman’s legs means that they’ve found love or that she loves them. Because they’re replacing their temporary sexual experience with the new ‘boo’ with the experiences they’ve had with their past lover (mainly the one who hurt them). And this leads many men to use sex as a weapon of choice when emotionally harming innocent women; based upon the actions of a woman in their past.

In order words ladies, while you’re laying on your back looking up at a the scorn man on top of you; he’s not seeing you, he’s seeing the woman who hurt him. And he’s punishing you for her actions by sub-conciouslly getting back at her though your vagina. He never really allowed himself the time he needed to get over what happened between him and ol’ girl. And honestly, some men don’t want to get over what happened with him and his ex. They want to live life stuck in a constant perpetual cycle of bitterness by making every woman pay for her past mistakes. His logic tells him that while he’s giving you the business, that some how hurts her (the woman who’s moved on) to know that another woman has taken her place.

So ladies, be careful with a man who’s more eager to show his love sexually, and less emotionally, mentally and psychologically. Any man who doesn’t desire nuptials, is not good enough for you to give him to nookie.