DeityNyota

For Those Who Go Beyond Boundaries

Posts Tagged ‘black love

The Top Twelve Reasons Why So Many Good Black Men Are Still Single (Just a hint, Its Black Women)

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Black_Man

 

I love reading articals such as this one. Because it further demonstrates to me that ‘we’ as a people really need to wake up, and stop playing the blame game.

So, just a basic synopsis, it all boils down to the pits falls of black women according to this article.

(http://www.afro.com/sections/news/afro_briefs/story.htm?storyid=72903#.UfahrestofM.twitter)

Black Women, (according to this article) are the top 12 reasons why so many (good) black men are still single.
Never mind the possibility that maybe (just maybe) some black men still have unresolved issues with past relationships that are hindering their ability to engage in happy and healthy relationships with “good women” in their present. Because its a myth that some black men cheat on, misuse and/or abuse women; due to a fear of experiencing re-occuring hurt. Dismiss that, because its all a ploy by ‘the man’ to destroy the image of black men.

There’s no chance that some black men may also be superficial. Spending more time looking for the women who look like Miss. Black America while lacking the ability to get to know her for who she is (beyond her sex and what she looks like).

And there’s no way that some black men (or men in general) have a negative view of all women (womanizers); and it doesn’t matter her skin, looks, or levels of education; he’s just resentful towards the female gender period. And last I checked, its nearly impossible to engage in a healthy relationship with the people you deem to be your enemy. Trust me when I say I’ve meet a few brothers like this in my time.

It all boils down to the fact that black women fail to realize the worth of a black man. We’re superficial, materialistic, indecisive, have unrealistic expectations and don’t know what a good man looks like when they see one. Thus, the continued perpetual ‘blame game’ that black men and women willingly engage in, while conveniently absolving one’s self of all responsibility for how ‘we’ as individuals contribute to the dysfunction in our unions with the opposite sex.

This is no different than a scored woman blaming her broken past with men on the ageless excuses that ‘all men are dogs’; even though she keeps choosing ‘dogs’ because she believes that’s what she deserves. The people that any man or woman choses to engage in a relationship with is a reflection of how these individuals see themselves. And if you continue to get with people who only like you when you have money, when you’re having sex or when you look good, then you value yourself as being nothing more than the physical tangibles that can and will change with time. Or, you chose people who’ll treat you with the little worth and respect that you limit yourself too.

I PERSONALLY feel that the major sticking points in this article should resolve to the fact that its all about one’s choices in life. And these choices are honestly (to me) not gender specific. Because no two women or men are the same; so the blanket generalizations and stenotypes do not apply to all situations. WE (men and women) have all been over looked by a potential mate at some point in time in our lives. But to say that black women (or black men for that matter) is the reason why an individual whom society deems as being ‘good’ or a good catch is single is preposterous!

Sometimes “WE” think we’re good; but there are people and past lovers who’ll beg to differ. People see things within us that we don’t see in ourselves; and if we’re unable/unwilling to acknowledge the positives and negatives of our personality traits and habits, that too can lead one to live a single life.

Not to mention not being willing to compromise of one’s views of gender roles (traditional vs. modern), possible hang ups with religious beliefs (if any) and even an inability to see the opposite sex as being equal in value or worth (i.e. women aren’t as smart as men, or don’t contribute to society on the same level as men); these are all hang ups that some men have that I feel are worth mentioning in this article.

Lets not forget about this culture of being unfaithful. Before you become enraged, I’m not saying that ALL black men can’t be faithful to one woman. But there’s this social falsehood influencing SOME men that being faithful to one woman is not in a man’s nature.  I beg to differ with that; because no matter how many women a man beds, there will always be one woman that remains his true love. And if your heart is with this one woman, but you fail to acknowledge or accept her as being the woman meant to be your wife; this too can leave you single. You’ll waste time seeking completion in empty women (the loose women you chase after) due to the fact that you’re pride won’t allow you to admit and accept the fact that you’ve honestly already found what you’re missing in the woman you continue to reject (for fear commitment).

But, for the author and those who’re in agreement, it all comes down to none other than the misguided, superficial, untrustworthy, scorned and resentfully bitter black woman. The ‘bed winches’ of slave owners, who’re brainwashed by a society that rejects black love and keeps us divided.

And black men themselves have very little to do with their singleness.

I love it! Its like saying, I burn my self repeatedly, but its my mothers fault that I refuse to take my hand off the stove top burner.

How convenient it is to blame other people for where “we” as individuals fall short.

My Dear Brother

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  The true test of love, is allowing yourself to become submissive too it.

I come to you in peace. I stand beside you as your sister, your mother, your lover, your daughter, your wife, and your best friend. I come bearing news of togetherness as I extend my   welcoming arms too you during your most troubling times. It is my duty to nurture you, to comfort you, and to let you know that you’re not alone. There is no plot from me seeking your demise; and I do not relish in the thought of your failure.

There is no joy in your pain and there is no satisfaction in your misery. My heart beats in synch with yours and I seek nothing more from you than love, trustworthiness and companionship. Your truth sets me free, and restores my faith in humanity and man-kind. And your spirituality keeps me centered in faith.

I too share your desire for success. I too aspire to achieve the greatness that I’m destined to seek, and I want nothing more in life but for you to stand at my side as I at yours. I want you to stand and support me as much as I support you, and to not look at me as being your ‘half’ but your whole (because you are mine).

The love that I have for you is unconditional, and I give myself unto you in equal worship. I willingly continue your blood line, giving my life to birth your seed. Creating the trinity that makes us one.

 

For I am you, and you are me; and we are equal in value.

Marriage and the Black Woman

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Black Women can (and do) find love, they just have to accept it in its rarest form..diversity.

I was little perturbed if you will at comments being made on a Facebook blog that I frequent from time to time. When directly addressing to some of the black women present in regards to the attitudes that men in other countries demonstrate towards American born black women, I was meet with some serious resistance. I made the mistake of making it known that I find it amazing how men (or people if you will) outside the U.S. tend to be more open and willing to getting to know black women who’re born here in the U.S., for who they are as individuals; free of judgment based upon stereotypes and negative imagery (no thanks to some of our own people).

Needless to say, the conversation became very heated when a borage of various black men in company began to make some unnecessarily vulgar, and negative comments that where seriously emotionally driven

Side Note: Men are just as emotional as women! Just FYI

These ‘men’ who’re possibly boys who can shave, charged me with being guilty of allowing ‘the man’ to brain wash me into the Willie Lynch syndrome; explaining that I’d turned my back on black men and the black race over all by demonstrating such view points. To them, I was some how making myself vulnerable and available to the sexual pleasures of white men while seeking to carry out a slave and master role play, linked to a deeply hidden type of sexual fantasy of mine 0_o? Where they arrived to that conclusion by me stating that I love MEN over all and not just black men I don’t know; but it was interested to watch them build their case based upon what they assumed to be ‘known’ facts about me and black women whom think like myself.

These black men claimed that black women who share the same sentiments as I are nothing but mere ‘pets’ for play at the whelm of white men who suffer from a need to satisfy a sweet-tooth for chocolate. They then resorted to calling me out my name and telling me that I’m the type of black woman who would never find happiness with a black man (or no black man would want me); while one brother took it to the extreme by advocating a future gang rape.

And I quote

“A group of about 12 brotha’s, need to get together, paint their faces white and go to town your stupid ass, because black women like you give all black women a bad name! You’re a disgrace and you deserve to have them just run up in you, the same way white men rapped black women for years.”

I can not make this ish up; these where his words.

Now, I clearly understand that there are psychos out there who do not speak for everyone within the African American community; but his hate filled sentiments spoke volumes of the mentality that many within African American community share when it comes to black women and inter-racial dating and marriage. Mind you, he’s not the first Blackman I’ve heard speak passionate animosity towards any black woman who dare to seek true love beyond the boundaries of race. I’ve even heard my father make these same comments on occasion when demonstrating disgust towards any black woman who chose to date or marry a non-black man. Yet, he encouraged this type of union for black men. In his mind, this was the black mans way of getting back at ‘the man’ for many years of rape and enslavement.

Violence Towards Inter-racial Couples is advocated

A group of black men cheered on one blog, where the tragic story of a young Marine and his wife where murder by fellow Marines sometime back. The slain Marine was White and his wife was black. And a group of four Black Marines felt it was their duty to kill the White Marine, later rapping and killing his Black Wife; based upon their views of her inter-racial marriage. I was not only shocked, but also shamed when I saw some of the things that some black and white men where saying about the murdered victims.

http://articles.nydailynews.com/2008-11-05/news/17909857_1_four-other-marines-military-base-sergeant

But this ignorance seems to breed life into an air of arrogance and acceptance within the African American Community of inter-racial dating/marriage when it comes to black men; while continually creating negative stigma toward black women when choosing to explore the very same options. I find that black women who’re open to such unthinkable epiphanies are met with ridicule, hostility, anger, resentment, and even violence from those whom fail to see the beauty in the diversity of true love.  Any black woman who’s brave enough to see love through a pair of ‘color free’ goggles can face a number of issues that range from (but are not limited too)

1.Becoming an outcast from the family

  1. Placing herself and her lover at risk of verbal and physical assault (God  forbid if they have children)
  2. Losing so-called ‘friends’
  3. Being ostracized by narrow-minded individuals within her community

These are just a few of the factors that make many black women feel as if they must stay within the confinements of their ethnicity. Yet experiencing a false sense of victim hood when waiting for a black lover. Many black women feel as if they’re being placed upon the ‘back burner’ as my mother use to say when hearing many black men make it official that they chose to never date, nor marry a black woman.

A black Woman’s “Duty” to stay True

Black women are being made to feel as if it is their duty to stay committed to black men and black men only. And because many black women feel this unyielding need to be faithful to black men, they’re enraged at the thought of black men choosing to love or start a family with women of various ethnicities based upon skin. Now, I myself can’t stand when I see these black athletes raise to fame and talk ish about all black women. Its become a pre-requisite for famous black men to confess to the world how he’ll never date or marry a black woman. Making many black women feel as though they’re ‘standing in line’ waiting for their turn to assume their rightful place at the side of a black King.

But I’m not going to get mad at a black man (or all black men in general) who choses to marry someone he loves, free of the fear that inhibits many black women from doing the same thing. Black women are no more bound to dating or marring someone who’s the same ethnicity as themselves no more than anyone else walking the face of this earth. But black women seem to be the most vocal when expressing anger and mistrust for black men whom have the courage to love who they love.

Basically, black men are being taught to explore their options for a potential mate, while black women are being taught to stay faithful. And because black men and women are receiving two different lessons in life and love, its causing black men to move on and find love with women whom don’t look like their mother, and black women to feel this sense of self-worthlessness, based upon the fact that black men are doing what ever (or whom ever) they please.

Black on Black Discrimination

Black women feel that black men are discriminating against black women, simply because they’re black; thus leaving black women to foolishly believe that they’re being left at a disadvantage when it comes to marriage and family life.  But one must ask themselves

Are black women choosing to do so because they’re madly in love with black men?

Or

Do black women feel so strongly about being with black men only, because they fear the repercussions they may face from being with someone of another persuasion?

Double Standards? Perhaps…

There’s an unspoken double standard when it comes to crossing the color lines in search of love, for black women.   Black women are being sub-consciously forced (through early childhood brainwashing) to stay ‘true’ to black men. They’re receiving this nation wide, broadcast PSA that states a black woman’s main lot in life is to grow up, get married, and have children with a godly black man. This is why black women reach their adult years seeking this mythical man based on what they’ve been told they’re destined to achieve if they’re ‘godly’ proverbs women. What most black women fail to realize is that they’re honestly falling in lines with the ideologies of yester year, being preached by a generation of African Americans who where taught stay true to their own kind.

And because black men are finding the courage to love who they love, regardless of what anyone else thinks, black women are buying into the myth that there are “No good, godly black men” left for them to chose from. When in all actually, there are plenty of good men, or godly men to go around; they’re just not the ideal men that many of these black women are subconsciously seeking.

Good Men Are Available my Sisters, Really, they are!

There are plenty of ‘good men’ out there. These good men are of various ethnicities and social, economical classes, they follow a variant of religious customs and traditions, and they can be found worldwide.  Its just that many of them may not pray to the same deities, they may not have the same color skin, make the same amount of money, and they may possibly not even speak the same language. But they’re good men none the less. Men who’re every bit capable of loving black women unconditionally, in the same manner as the black men they’re taught to seek.

Once you Go Black….

Another reasons why black women tend to experience difficulty in finding love outside the bounds of color restrictions is that its assumed that all black women are ‘infatuated’ with (ehem) the black magic stick. Some Black women are foolish enough to become spellbound to these majestically myth that all black men have a gifted 3rd appendage. Now, granted, there are some black men whom have the tools to get the job done and then some. But not all black men are ‘blessed’ in that department. To be honest, some black men come up short, but that’s neither here nor there. Nonetheless, there are men in general who’re large, medium and small. It just all depends upon individual genetics.

In closing, I just hope that some day, black women whom feel they’re being left behind our ineligible for love one day find the courage needed to accept love when it finds them. Regardless of the shape, color, religion, or ethnicity of the man who demonstrates this love for them. People will always have something to say, but black women need to ask themselves if what other people say or think of the love they’ve found in a ‘good man’ really matters?

The Gender Roles of Yester-Year

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September 1, 2010 marked my 32nd birthday. 32 years of being blessed, and able bodied to walk the face of this earth and accomplish many great things (in which I have).

I’ve served in the military for 10 years, I’m a supervisor at my current place of employment, I pay my own bills, enrolled in school full-time, a clean bill of health, financially stable. I would say I have more than most whom wish they where walking in my shoes.

But for some strange unexplainable reasons, I’m single! 0_o?

So many black women like myself are experiencing the same dilemma. We have all the chips in place (good job, education, financial stability, business and home owners, clean, well-kept, attractive and godly in most instances) yet we’re experiencing great difficulty wearing the title “Mrs”.

No husband, no children, just me, myself and I. Now, before I go out and purchase a ‘cat lady’ starter kit from the local ASPCA, I decided that it was time I do some self-evaluation; because I can only blame the media and society for what’s wrong with “me” as an individual for so long.  But I needed to get to the root of my own personal issues and find out why I and the many women like myself have yet to wed; as well as what I can do to change these ‘issues’ to make myself available for marriage.I know marriage is not the know all, end all to happiness; I’m going to be honest if a woman is not happy with herself, then she won’t be happy with man. But I’m lonely! And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

“Things are not the Same as When Mom‘s and Pop’s Hopped the Broom”

I keep hearing all this talk about how marriage was ‘back in the day’; and how when folks got married they married for better for worst. assuming that generations past took their wedding vows more serious than that of people to date. This may be true for many people, but something that I’ve personally find with many people in my life who’re married is that the family dynamics of today is not the same as it was 50 years past. In those days; men where the bread winners,  plain and simple. They went to work (mostly labor jobs), worked hard, bought home the bacon and assumed the role as head of the household. 

Daughters were taught how to be women. Most of us who grew up in my mothers day learned how to cook and clean, how to rear children and the importance of caring for a family. And they were taught find a man who could provide for them and their children.

Young men were groomed to be providers. Responsible community leaders, educated wise men who worked hard, and where self-reliant. Women knew their roles and men knew theirs. And there was very little to no ‘bluring’ between the lines.

Many would say the Feminist movement shattered these gender (exceptions) roles and have endanger the sanctity of the institute of marriage. I’ve heard many from the older generation state that Feminist have single-handedly ’emasculated’ men and have remade them into the more ‘kinder-genteler’ verson of  what constitutes a man. Givinf women and unfair advantage over men in work-force advancement, education and darn near domination in the house-hold, in politics and society.

You chose which ever you feel is correct, but I personally wondered what was so different about the teachings of yester day vs. today.

Daughters don’t really play with dolls any more….

I personally was taught as a young girl was taught what I call the 5 G’s:

Both my mother and my father taught me that my primary goals in life as a black woman was to become further educated! They stayed on  my back side about my grades, my mother was order by my father to sit down with me for at least two hours a night to go over my homework, ensure I understood the materials and passed my test. My father checked my grades, and if I had below a C+ (and that was if he was in a good mood) that was my ass. No if, ands, or ‘butts’ about it. I did my work, I par-took in extra curricular active that ensured I was not getting involved with the wrong crowd, and that would pave a way to college. We had no money, and my father knew that education was key to me becoming stable later on in life. He himself admitted that it would be a strong possibility that I would either be an unwed mother, or I would be single with no children. And he knew that I was going to need skills and training that would assist with me providing a decent living for myself. Because he didn’t want to see me on the streets selling myself, stripping on someone’s pole (literally) or becoming a ‘gold digger’. And he was the same way with my younger sister and brothers. His biggest saying was ‘Keep your legs and mouth closed, and keep your eyes and ears open’. Meaning stay off your back and learn the things you need to learn in life by listening in school and getting an education.

Now, I’m 32 years of age, working towards my bachelors, with several military/civilian equivalent certifications, employed as a computer analyst and no husband and/or children.

Most black women, hell most women in general that I know personally have received the same lessons in life. I wouldn’t say that feminist are the cause of this hard-knocks approach to life; but I honestly feel that women and men from my mother and fathers generation saw how difficult it is for a woman to raise a child(ren) on her own. Especially if she has very little to no education, work force experience and/or certifications/degrees. My father was raised by his mother; and my mother was raised by her mother. Both had alcoholic and abusive fathers, and were forced to live in dysfunctional homes. And their mothers had no money, worked odd jobs and barely scraped by. Both agreed that they didn’t want to see my sister and I suffer the same fate.

This positive reinforcement of encouragement has become my curse. Because now when I meet a man, I can’t tell him what I do, where or who I work for, how much money I make, or what I own, because if I do; I’m most defiantly casted into this generalized (stereotypical) category of being an ‘overly independent’ black woman. Most men who meet me feel they have nothing to offer me, so it’s a waste of time even trying to talk to me. Granted, (and this is not to say I have a chip on my shoulder) many of the men I do talk to may not have the same level of education, or training and work experience as myself. Thus I thinks issues within themselves would surface if they where to become involved with me (issues with man-hood and self-esteem)  Some may fear that I would seek to dominate him and wear the pants in the relationship as well. Lets be honest, some women who have a little something going for themselves do act this way. And they make it bad for those of us who are just searching for someone to share our lives with. But what I own, where I work or what degree’s a I posses has nothing to do with who I am as a woman. It doesn’t mean that I’m so career and success driven that I my longings for a man and his company are now null and void. Please my brotha’s, keep in mind that I make my money, my money doesn’t make me.

The Sowing of the Oats….

Even though my brothers, sister and I were taught to become further educated, and make something of ourselves in life. The lessons we learned in love where a little different. My sister and I were told to stay celibate and wait till marriage to find a ‘godly’ man and have before having sex. Were as my brothers were pretty much given a free fvck pass. They where not only taught, but strongly encouraged by my father to become sexually promiscuous with as many women as their hearts desire. He instilled in them, this destroy and conquer type of attitude that was accompanied with slight level of arrogance. They were told to never let their guards down and allow a woman to break them down (they’re men, and they should act and treated as such); never turn their backs on their bro’s for a hoe, and to never get serious about one woman until they’re about 50 years old (maybe later). They were told that as men, there was no need for them to settle down and start a family unless they’d traveled the world and experienced many women. My father would tell the stories of his sexual conquest to my brothers and males in company, as he allowed them to sip bear and flip through nudy magazines. It was a right of passage for the men in my family become indoctrinated into a misogynistic mind-set.

Which later lead to many failed relationships with good women, a baby mama of four, and the same battles with infidelity that my father and his brothers suffered. My brothers (both blood and friend alike) find it difficult to stay faithfully committed to one woman, because they’ve been taught for so long that it’s not in a mans nature to do so. Thus, they get married and soon end up divorced, paying alimony and child support. You’ll see these same men in their late 40’s to early 60’s; up in the club wearing a 3 piece suit and wing-tipped shoes looking for a young thang to keep them warm at night.

I’ve met many men who suffer from an inflated sense of their own worth. Feeling that they’ve yet to meet a woman who was worthy of them asking for their hand in marriage. As a friend in another blog put it

“It’s not that they’ve never met a woman who was unworthy of their hand in marriage, it’s that the brotha either strayed away looking for the next ‘bigger and better thing’ around the corner or they had such high standards that good women where unable to meet them.”

So many men have watched the whole parade of women walk by waiting for his chance at Mrs. America. Leaving a trail of broken hearts in the wake of this destruction, because he feels that he’ll someday meet Kim Kardashian or Beyoncé, and it will be love at first sight. And let’s be real (not all) but some brothers just have some serious issues in relationships. They’re bitter, suffer from the Angry Black man syndrome (the man is always out to get them), have issues with mama, racist, color struck (only date, marry, or have kids with a specific color of woman), and insecure. The same could be said for some women (we’re not to be left out). Any time men refuse to examine themselves and what they do wrong, it’s always linked back to ALL women as if they’ve met and know us all personally.

This is where ‘we’ women are all clumped into one category, shoved in a box labeled ‘same’ and left single. Even those of us who do play the traditional female roles (seek to be stay at home mothers, and want to be kept by a man) still have problems moving past the preconceived notions of modern woman over all.

If you’re edcuated, hold your own, and have something to bring to the table; you’re ‘too independant’, manly, and will seek to wear the pants in the relationship or marriage.

If you’re submissive, docile, what most would considered ‘feminine’ and play the traditioal role; you run the risk of being run over and  cheated on with the ‘bad girls’ who’re ‘too independent’.

If you’re the inbetween mixuter of the two, you still will possibly be single or experience many failed relationships; because you may possibly cross paths with men who’ve yet to finish sowing thier oats.

Honestly ladies, we’re damed if we do and damed if we don’t……..