For Those Who Go Beyond Boundaries

Posts Tagged ‘black women

The Top Twelve Reasons Why So Many Good Black Men Are Still Single (Just a hint, Its Black Women)

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I love reading articals such as this one. Because it further demonstrates to me that ‘we’ as a people really need to wake up, and stop playing the blame game.

So, just a basic synopsis, it all boils down to the pits falls of black women according to this article.


Black Women, (according to this article) are the top 12 reasons why so many (good) black men are still single.
Never mind the possibility that maybe (just maybe) some black men still have unresolved issues with past relationships that are hindering their ability to engage in happy and healthy relationships with “good women” in their present. Because its a myth that some black men cheat on, misuse and/or abuse women; due to a fear of experiencing re-occuring hurt. Dismiss that, because its all a ploy by ‘the man’ to destroy the image of black men.

There’s no chance that some black men may also be superficial. Spending more time looking for the women who look like Miss. Black America while lacking the ability to get to know her for who she is (beyond her sex and what she looks like).

And there’s no way that some black men (or men in general) have a negative view of all women (womanizers); and it doesn’t matter her skin, looks, or levels of education; he’s just resentful towards the female gender period. And last I checked, its nearly impossible to engage in a healthy relationship with the people you deem to be your enemy. Trust me when I say I’ve meet a few brothers like this in my time.

It all boils down to the fact that black women fail to realize the worth of a black man. We’re superficial, materialistic, indecisive, have unrealistic expectations and don’t know what a good man looks like when they see one. Thus, the continued perpetual ‘blame game’ that black men and women willingly engage in, while conveniently absolving one’s self of all responsibility for how ‘we’ as individuals contribute to the dysfunction in our unions with the opposite sex.

This is no different than a scored woman blaming her broken past with men on the ageless excuses that ‘all men are dogs’; even though she keeps choosing ‘dogs’ because she believes that’s what she deserves. The people that any man or woman choses to engage in a relationship with is a reflection of how these individuals see themselves. And if you continue to get with people who only like you when you have money, when you’re having sex or when you look good, then you value yourself as being nothing more than the physical tangibles that can and will change with time. Or, you chose people who’ll treat you with the little worth and respect that you limit yourself too.

I PERSONALLY feel that the major sticking points in this article should resolve to the fact that its all about one’s choices in life. And these choices are honestly (to me) not gender specific. Because no two women or men are the same; so the blanket generalizations and stenotypes do not apply to all situations. WE (men and women) have all been over looked by a potential mate at some point in time in our lives. But to say that black women (or black men for that matter) is the reason why an individual whom society deems as being ‘good’ or a good catch is single is preposterous!

Sometimes “WE” think we’re good; but there are people and past lovers who’ll beg to differ. People see things within us that we don’t see in ourselves; and if we’re unable/unwilling to acknowledge the positives and negatives of our personality traits and habits, that too can lead one to live a single life.

Not to mention not being willing to compromise of one’s views of gender roles (traditional vs. modern), possible hang ups with religious beliefs (if any) and even an inability to see the opposite sex as being equal in value or worth (i.e. women aren’t as smart as men, or don’t contribute to society on the same level as men); these are all hang ups that some men have that I feel are worth mentioning in this article.

Lets not forget about this culture of being unfaithful. Before you become enraged, I’m not saying that ALL black men can’t be faithful to one woman. But there’s this social falsehood influencing SOME men that being faithful to one woman is not in a man’s nature.  I beg to differ with that; because no matter how many women a man beds, there will always be one woman that remains his true love. And if your heart is with this one woman, but you fail to acknowledge or accept her as being the woman meant to be your wife; this too can leave you single. You’ll waste time seeking completion in empty women (the loose women you chase after) due to the fact that you’re pride won’t allow you to admit and accept the fact that you’ve honestly already found what you’re missing in the woman you continue to reject (for fear commitment).

But, for the author and those who’re in agreement, it all comes down to none other than the misguided, superficial, untrustworthy, scorned and resentfully bitter black woman. The ‘bed winches’ of slave owners, who’re brainwashed by a society that rejects black love and keeps us divided.

And black men themselves have very little to do with their singleness.

I love it! Its like saying, I burn my self repeatedly, but its my mothers fault that I refuse to take my hand off the stove top burner.

How convenient it is to blame other people for where “we” as individuals fall short.


The Miss-Understanding of Submission

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I Don't Think This Is What God Means by Submission

I Don't Think This Is What God Means by Submission

I’m 33 years old, unwed and no children. Many people that I’ve talked too about my assumed ‘dihilma’ always make it a point to tell me that one of the reasons why I’ve yet to find a mate is because I don’t know how to submit myself unto a man. Many who know me know that I’ve kicked against this idea for years! There was even a time in my life when if you mentioned the word Submission or submit in the same sentence as marriage, I would be ready to knock your face off. But as I’ve grown older, and my rough edges have been smoothed by gods tools of experience, I decided to actaully research and get a better understanding of this mythical word that I gave too much power too.

When I would hear that word my teeth would grind. I would think of the nature of relationship shared between a child and his/her parent, of that of a trained beast unto its master. I did’t get that warm and fuzzy feeling like most church going women, because I didn’t believe that it meant I would be cared for, loved and cherished by a good man. For me I saw images of myself slaving over a hot stove, with kids hanging off my hip and a man knocking me upside my head because dinner wasn’t ready when he got home.

The reason why this image was a constant reoccurrence in my mind is because it was a triggered memory. This is what I saw in my home as a child watching my mother play ‘fetch and step’ to my father. And I promised myself that this was not the life I would live. If that’s what being submissive unto a man  had in store for me, I just wasn’t going to get married. I would have ‘friends’ while living the life I wanted to live child free.

But for some strange reason, its something about turning 30 that completely changes your mind about life and everything in it. And I don’t feel bad about mistakenly assuming this is what submission meant,  because I’m not the only woman who’s had the same thoughts.  Especially when referring to submission of a woman to her husband, because in our society we never hear people openly and honestly talk about submission for a husband unto his wife.

Desperate to find out if I’m just being stubborn or if I’m really a ‘man hater‘; I started doing some research. Mind you I was called that by a man who can’t keep a woman happy to save his life, but he can tell me what’s wrong with me. Its amazing how people can see your situtation clear than they see their own.

I found many blogs, Vblogs and articles that focus heavily on this issue; but the only thing I learned from these various sources of media is that

A. Everyone who has a camera that can record an upload video thinks they’re an investigative journalist. Especially if they have a few followers to their YouTube Channel or Facebook page.

B. Opinions really are just that, opinions, because everyone has one. Even the ex-commedians or radio personalities who’ve been divorced and remarried or have chosen to remain single (encouraging open relationship) who write books and screen plays that become best sellers amongst single black women. Why in the hell are we letting people who didn’t get it right in their marriage(s) tell us how to be happily married?

C. Everyone has their own interpretation of what the term submission means (and they all think they’re right).

I had to snicker to myself when I heard radio personality Michael Basiden pose the question to his female (dummies) followers why we’re able to submit ourselves unto our bosses at work, but not to our husbands at home 0_O? Now, I thought that these two people play different roles in the life of a woman. I guess I was under the mistaken impression that my boss is my boss; and that I just work for him so I have to listen to him to get a pay check. But when I come  home my husband is my husband. And that I should be able to seek refuge from my boss through the comfort and companionship I receive from my husband. But, it was good to hear Mr. Basiden say that, because it reminded me why I stopped listening to his show.

Disclaimer: The thoughts and views expressed on the Michael Basiden are those of Michael Basiden, and in no way reflect the over all thought process of all men world wide. I’m fully aware of the fact that Michael Basiden has been once married and divorced and does not speak for all men who’re seeking a wife and living happily married.

I soon grew tried of hearing the rants on Youtube and watching the pure vitriol being injected into the vains of anyone whom allowed themselves to be verbally consumed by hatred towards the opposite sex. So I decided to turn to the TD Jakes Relationship Bible. Flipping through the pages, I became excited at the thought of learning what the good Bishop has to say about my ‘condition’. He and Mrs. Jakes seems happy, so it can’t hurt to just give a shot.

I turn to a note in the book of Ephesians titled “A Word to Wives”; where the good Bishop breaks down how men and women are too relate too one another when dealing with such a sensitive and delicate issue for today’s modern woman of submission. Using words of humility and gods grace he sets my mind at ease while explaining to “me” how I should see my future husband in my life and in my marriage in relation to my role in our union.

“So Much Has Been Misunderstood”

Bishop states that so much has been misunderstood in regards to the manner in which men and women are to relate to one another and their roles in their marriage. Many of us understand that society and tradition tends to affect how one will relate too and with their assumed roles based upon gender; but there are some things in a union that go hand in hand with masculinity and femininity.

Todays woman doesn’t ‘need’ a man for survial. Lets be honest here, we don’t need a man to hunt for food any more. We don’t need a man to ‘bring home the bacon’ and we don’t need a man to fix everything for us. But!! Most of us do desire, and are waiting patiently on a husband (not just a man) that will have no problems providing, who’ll be willing to ‘bring home the bacon’ and fix everything when needed. In fact men who’re seeking to be a husband (are who currently are husbands) want to assume the role of provider, ‘hunter’ and handy man. And they’re seeking a wife who’ll allow them to live as such. But for some strange reason, these needs and desires are being mis-communicted between men and women who’re seeking partnership with a future spouse. Based upon everyones misconception (or individual interpretation) of acceptable submission.

Side note to my single sisters: I just want to say that there’s nothing wrong with being single while waiting on your husband. Don’t let any body make you feel bad about not having ‘a man’ or like you’re experiencing a major malfunction in  your life because you’re not someone’s arm piece. Any woman can have ‘a man’; but you should desire  more in your union than just having ‘a man’ who’ll use you emotionally, physically, and financially.

YOU as a woman who should hold yourself at a  higher regard, understanding that with all the worldly temptation we face in our environment daily, it takes a strong woman of faith (a Proverbs woman) to WAIT patiently for her husband to find her. I believe that a woman is a ‘wife’ before she’s married; meaning she conducts herself as if she’s already taken. This is what attracts a man to you and makes him desire to make you his wife; not his ‘wifey’, ‘side-line’, jump-off or dime peace.

Keep in mind that your ‘parts’ are no different than any other woman’s out there; so a good ‘cookie’ will not keep your a man in your life (he can get that any where). Its how you love him and most importantly love yourself that keeps him.

To my Single brothers: A woman can be fine enough to get married, yet lack the ‘tools’ necessary to be a wife. A fine woman with a ring on her finger, (but doesn’t conduct herself as a wife) is nothing more than a woman with a ring on her finger; not your wife. Be very careful who you bed, who has your children, and who you allow to bear your last name.

Sorry for straying off topic

We as women, regardless of our occupations, what we own, or our annual take home pay still desire (still need)  a husbands covering. We want a man who’ll protect us, love, care for and cherish us as his wife. A man who finds a wife finds a good thing, and many of us who’re single are ‘good things’; its just that many of us don’t know it yet.

We’re still too busy harshly judging ourselves for our past transgressions, or we’re finding it difficult to let go of past hurt that it makes it hard for many of us to submit unto a man for fear of being vulnerable again. Many women feel that being submissive to our husband means we relinquish all control of our lives, our bodies, and our hard earned money over too a man whom we’re not even sure if he’ll still be here with us tomorrow much less 15 to 20 years from now. That’s how it was in the past. women depended upon men for survival and we saw how well that went for most women of these times. So I want men to understand how hard it is for a woman to openly admit that we’ll “obey” one man other than our fathers (the one in the flesh and the one is spirit) after all the other men we’ve known didn’t deserve our respect much less our will to submit unto him.

No, its not a good reason to find it impossible to totally submit unto a future  husband, but it is a reason none the less. And most of our unwillingness to submit unto our husband is no different that the unwillingness of most men to be faithful to one woman, after having experienced heartbreak from the woman he’s loved in his past. The moral to this story is…..we all have bags.

We (meaning most women) don’t understand that having a loving husband means we can let our guard down; because most of us have never experienced that before. Many of us have never had a man that was a ‘safe place’ for us to relax and reside in a calm and secure environment with. So many of us have only known men that we’ve had to stay on the defensive with, protecting and controlling our own interest. All the while missing out on the blessing of having a husband (not just ‘a man’) that wants nothing more in this world than to protect us, cover us with his love and compassion.

People Only Hear What They want to Hear

The Apostle Paul wrote

“Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church”.

People take this small sliver of scripture to literally mean that a woman is to completely and total give all control of herself over to a man and that’s it! Some men and women don’t even read anything else after than portion of the scripture so when you ask them what comes next they get this look on their face O_O. To me that reaction with itself demonstrates that they’re just repeating what someone else told them in relations to this scripture; which explains the inability to regurgitate the rest of the scritpure that states:

“There fore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husband in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of the water by the word. That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and with out blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself” (Ephesians 5:22-28). 

This is my interpretation of this portion of scripture, and all theologians are welcome to correct me if I’m wrong. If you love yourself as a man, you should love your wife the same. You wouldn’t do anything to physically, emotionally, mentally or psychologically harm yourself; there for you must not do  either of these things to your wife. Any man who desires to be a husband or who currently is a husband should be just as respectful and loving of his wive as he is towards the body of Christ and himself.

I feel that this is why women should seek to have their hand taken by a man that incorporate these same values into his relationship with the women in his life (i.e. mother, sisters, aunts, etc) because that’s a clear sign of how he’ll treat you. In my opinion a woman must find a man who has respect for women over all, I think this demonstrates the characteristics of a Proverbs man who will rejoice in the ‘rubies and gems’ brought forward from a woman with a virtuous soul; meaning she bears an intense love, honor and respect for him that creates a bond between the two that can withstand the ‘heat’ and pressure of worldly distractions. 

Contextual Mis-Represntation

The first half of this scripture is always taken out of context by folks who’re so spiritual that they think they speak for God himself. Overly religious, 24/7 spiritual folks whom have Gods direct line tied up so he can talk to them only. Or, you’ll find the folks who’ll take Scripture and twist it to suit their own means. Example the people who hid behind religion and its ‘laws’, using it as a shield when finding justification in their wrong doings.

This is where you ladies have to steer clear of the insecure men who always want to ‘put their foot down’ and show you who’s boss in the relationship/marriage. That’s a sign of an insecure man!

LADIES, please steer clear of men whom always have to remind you that they’re the men in the relationship/marriage and what they say goes. A relationship/marriage is not a dictatorship! Headship is not intended to be used by a man to dominate or rule like a stark mad, monarch. A man must seek the honor of having the privilege of being granted a woman’s trust and confidence in his ability to care for the needs and interest of the  household. Men who conduct themselves in such a manner are men whom feel they’re inadequate in comparison to other men, and will do everything in their physical power to assert their dominance over you!

RUN from a man who always want to remind you what your place is and keep you in check, in most cases its not anything your doing wrong, its his insecurities within himself holding you back. And that’s not god-like if you ask me.

In closing, as a woman, I (we) have many unique contributions to birth into this world and into our unions with virtuous men. You should not allow anyone to suppress your will and God’s purpose for you in life for the sake of being able to say that you have ‘a man’ and not a husband. Being subject to your husband (not just ‘a man) as being subject to your lord does not mean that a man should make you his doormat. And if you feel as if your future or current husband is wiping his feat on you, then its time for you to re-evaluate who it is exactly that you’ve submitted yourself unto.

Not every man can be a leader (much less lead), many men don’t understand that in order to be an effective leader one must know how to follow. There will be aspects in your union where he will lead (knowledge and experience wise) and there will be aspects in life where you will lead. But its not increasing your stewardship over him, nor his over you in either case. For where he is weak, he’s made strong through you.

Thus not every man is worthy of being submitted unto. As a mans wife, “we” are to be respected the same as he is, and should demand it! But you have to be willing to render the same respect unto him as you demand he render onto you. Love is a compromise (a give and take) where a couple must meet one another in the middle. And trust me when I say I’ve learned that it won’t always be easy.

And I think this is where a lot of women go wrong in their unions (at least its where I’ve gone wrong in my past); we’re so busy being so scared that their husband will be disrespectful  or act out as the men in our past have that we feel we’ve got to ensure he knows we’re not having that. And this is where the conflicts from your past show up and show out in your here and now. Please understand ladies that we can drive a man way from us with that attitude. A man doesn’t leave you per say, he leaves the environment in which you create for him to reside in. He does NOT want to be your husband and your psychiatrist, sorting through the past bags you refuse to drop.

Unlike women, a man can love you and not be with you; Trust me on this one, I’m speaking from experience.

Marriage and the Black Woman

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Black Women can (and do) find love, they just have to accept it in its rarest form..diversity.

I was little perturbed if you will at comments being made on a Facebook blog that I frequent from time to time. When directly addressing to some of the black women present in regards to the attitudes that men in other countries demonstrate towards American born black women, I was meet with some serious resistance. I made the mistake of making it known that I find it amazing how men (or people if you will) outside the U.S. tend to be more open and willing to getting to know black women who’re born here in the U.S., for who they are as individuals; free of judgment based upon stereotypes and negative imagery (no thanks to some of our own people).

Needless to say, the conversation became very heated when a borage of various black men in company began to make some unnecessarily vulgar, and negative comments that where seriously emotionally driven

Side Note: Men are just as emotional as women! Just FYI

These ‘men’ who’re possibly boys who can shave, charged me with being guilty of allowing ‘the man’ to brain wash me into the Willie Lynch syndrome; explaining that I’d turned my back on black men and the black race over all by demonstrating such view points. To them, I was some how making myself vulnerable and available to the sexual pleasures of white men while seeking to carry out a slave and master role play, linked to a deeply hidden type of sexual fantasy of mine 0_o? Where they arrived to that conclusion by me stating that I love MEN over all and not just black men I don’t know; but it was interested to watch them build their case based upon what they assumed to be ‘known’ facts about me and black women whom think like myself.

These black men claimed that black women who share the same sentiments as I are nothing but mere ‘pets’ for play at the whelm of white men who suffer from a need to satisfy a sweet-tooth for chocolate. They then resorted to calling me out my name and telling me that I’m the type of black woman who would never find happiness with a black man (or no black man would want me); while one brother took it to the extreme by advocating a future gang rape.

And I quote

“A group of about 12 brotha’s, need to get together, paint their faces white and go to town your stupid ass, because black women like you give all black women a bad name! You’re a disgrace and you deserve to have them just run up in you, the same way white men rapped black women for years.”

I can not make this ish up; these where his words.

Now, I clearly understand that there are psychos out there who do not speak for everyone within the African American community; but his hate filled sentiments spoke volumes of the mentality that many within African American community share when it comes to black women and inter-racial dating and marriage. Mind you, he’s not the first Blackman I’ve heard speak passionate animosity towards any black woman who dare to seek true love beyond the boundaries of race. I’ve even heard my father make these same comments on occasion when demonstrating disgust towards any black woman who chose to date or marry a non-black man. Yet, he encouraged this type of union for black men. In his mind, this was the black mans way of getting back at ‘the man’ for many years of rape and enslavement.

Violence Towards Inter-racial Couples is advocated

A group of black men cheered on one blog, where the tragic story of a young Marine and his wife where murder by fellow Marines sometime back. The slain Marine was White and his wife was black. And a group of four Black Marines felt it was their duty to kill the White Marine, later rapping and killing his Black Wife; based upon their views of her inter-racial marriage. I was not only shocked, but also shamed when I saw some of the things that some black and white men where saying about the murdered victims.

But this ignorance seems to breed life into an air of arrogance and acceptance within the African American Community of inter-racial dating/marriage when it comes to black men; while continually creating negative stigma toward black women when choosing to explore the very same options. I find that black women who’re open to such unthinkable epiphanies are met with ridicule, hostility, anger, resentment, and even violence from those whom fail to see the beauty in the diversity of true love.  Any black woman who’s brave enough to see love through a pair of ‘color free’ goggles can face a number of issues that range from (but are not limited too)

1.Becoming an outcast from the family

  1. Placing herself and her lover at risk of verbal and physical assault (God  forbid if they have children)
  2. Losing so-called ‘friends’
  3. Being ostracized by narrow-minded individuals within her community

These are just a few of the factors that make many black women feel as if they must stay within the confinements of their ethnicity. Yet experiencing a false sense of victim hood when waiting for a black lover. Many black women feel as if they’re being placed upon the ‘back burner’ as my mother use to say when hearing many black men make it official that they chose to never date, nor marry a black woman.

A black Woman’s “Duty” to stay True

Black women are being made to feel as if it is their duty to stay committed to black men and black men only. And because many black women feel this unyielding need to be faithful to black men, they’re enraged at the thought of black men choosing to love or start a family with women of various ethnicities based upon skin. Now, I myself can’t stand when I see these black athletes raise to fame and talk ish about all black women. Its become a pre-requisite for famous black men to confess to the world how he’ll never date or marry a black woman. Making many black women feel as though they’re ‘standing in line’ waiting for their turn to assume their rightful place at the side of a black King.

But I’m not going to get mad at a black man (or all black men in general) who choses to marry someone he loves, free of the fear that inhibits many black women from doing the same thing. Black women are no more bound to dating or marring someone who’s the same ethnicity as themselves no more than anyone else walking the face of this earth. But black women seem to be the most vocal when expressing anger and mistrust for black men whom have the courage to love who they love.

Basically, black men are being taught to explore their options for a potential mate, while black women are being taught to stay faithful. And because black men and women are receiving two different lessons in life and love, its causing black men to move on and find love with women whom don’t look like their mother, and black women to feel this sense of self-worthlessness, based upon the fact that black men are doing what ever (or whom ever) they please.

Black on Black Discrimination

Black women feel that black men are discriminating against black women, simply because they’re black; thus leaving black women to foolishly believe that they’re being left at a disadvantage when it comes to marriage and family life.  But one must ask themselves

Are black women choosing to do so because they’re madly in love with black men?


Do black women feel so strongly about being with black men only, because they fear the repercussions they may face from being with someone of another persuasion?

Double Standards? Perhaps…

There’s an unspoken double standard when it comes to crossing the color lines in search of love, for black women.   Black women are being sub-consciously forced (through early childhood brainwashing) to stay ‘true’ to black men. They’re receiving this nation wide, broadcast PSA that states a black woman’s main lot in life is to grow up, get married, and have children with a godly black man. This is why black women reach their adult years seeking this mythical man based on what they’ve been told they’re destined to achieve if they’re ‘godly’ proverbs women. What most black women fail to realize is that they’re honestly falling in lines with the ideologies of yester year, being preached by a generation of African Americans who where taught stay true to their own kind.

And because black men are finding the courage to love who they love, regardless of what anyone else thinks, black women are buying into the myth that there are “No good, godly black men” left for them to chose from. When in all actually, there are plenty of good men, or godly men to go around; they’re just not the ideal men that many of these black women are subconsciously seeking.

Good Men Are Available my Sisters, Really, they are!

There are plenty of ‘good men’ out there. These good men are of various ethnicities and social, economical classes, they follow a variant of religious customs and traditions, and they can be found worldwide.  Its just that many of them may not pray to the same deities, they may not have the same color skin, make the same amount of money, and they may possibly not even speak the same language. But they’re good men none the less. Men who’re every bit capable of loving black women unconditionally, in the same manner as the black men they’re taught to seek.

Once you Go Black….

Another reasons why black women tend to experience difficulty in finding love outside the bounds of color restrictions is that its assumed that all black women are ‘infatuated’ with (ehem) the black magic stick. Some Black women are foolish enough to become spellbound to these majestically myth that all black men have a gifted 3rd appendage. Now, granted, there are some black men whom have the tools to get the job done and then some. But not all black men are ‘blessed’ in that department. To be honest, some black men come up short, but that’s neither here nor there. Nonetheless, there are men in general who’re large, medium and small. It just all depends upon individual genetics.

In closing, I just hope that some day, black women whom feel they’re being left behind our ineligible for love one day find the courage needed to accept love when it finds them. Regardless of the shape, color, religion, or ethnicity of the man who demonstrates this love for them. People will always have something to say, but black women need to ask themselves if what other people say or think of the love they’ve found in a ‘good man’ really matters?

Dating Black Men! Is It Even Possible? (Part 1)

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I'll have "cream" in my coffee 😉

I had a brief conversation with some friends a few days ago, about some of my past relationships. Of course the topic was about why I’m still single, which seems to be the story of my life when ever marriage is introduced as a topic of discussion.


One of my guy friends was under the impression that I’m the type of black woman who refuses to broaden my horizons and date men who’re not black.  He assumed that I’m one of the black women who loudly profess in public when seeing an inter-racial couple about how I’m ‘standing in line’ waiting for a “good” black man; and that I’m tried of seeing white women steel what’s rightfully ours. In other words, he was stereotyping me. In which I had to quickly put him in his place and explain to him a few things about me that he doesn’t know.

A. I have and do date men of various ethnicities (not race, because we’re all one race, and that’s human). I find it more exciting to get to know a man who’s native language and  homeland is different from mine, so that I may learn more about his heritage and language. Not to mention the fact that it sort of spices things up in the bedroom when trying new things with someone (something) different.

B. I don’t feel as if I own the “deeds” to the prime real-estate of a black mans personal/physical being. Black men are free to chose to date/marry/start a family with whom ever they see fit. The same as I and any other black women who choses to follow suit.

C. I stand in line to get my degree, get my car serviced, purchase goods, and pay for clothing, but I WILL NOT stand in line and wait for man. If anything I’ll ‘step outta line’ and go live life and allow my future husband to find me.

Now, since we got that out in the open and clearly understood.

Once we  where back on topic and I addressed his ignorance in a dignified manner (being the Southern Bell that I am).  I explained to my friends that I feel some of the reasons I’m still single is that its difficult for me personally to encounter a man (in most cases a black man) who doesn’t fell intimidated by my education, success, or goals and aspirations. And I know, some of you reading this may say that this sounds like the typical Angry Black woman rant, but let me explain.

I know not all black men fear an edcuated black woman

Brothas! I know not all of you have this unspoken rule that has been secretly appended to the ‘man code’ that forbids you from dating, marrying or starting a family with a woman who has a degree. I understand that some women tend to become more prideful of their titles (BA, MBA, PhD and DR) than they are their abilities to show love and compassion towards a man and children. And I clearly understand that some women get besides themselves and wear their ass on their shoulders when working in corporate America. In which I can agree with many of you that this is a turn off. What you own, what you can buy, how you look, or how much money you have in the bank means sh!t if you’re piss poor morally. And that goes for both men and women.

BUT! Some men (mainly black men) automatically disqualify me from being a potential girlfriend, wife, mother to their children; based heavily upon the fact that I’m educated and work in corporate America. They feel that I’ll spend more time and focus on career advancement, and making money than I will taking care of him, our family and our household. And I’ve had some black men tell me this to my face when they find what I do for a living or assume they know how much I make annually. Most of them who fail to see past my career and education and see me for me, in most cases are BLACK MEN! Men of various other races see my education as a plus and start to engage in conversation about their career goals, or my even my business ownership. Many black men I’ve met in passing tend to shy away from those topics and me over all.

I’m Natural

I’ve been officially weave and chemical free for about a year. I rock the Puff with the Afro pick and black fist. Black men see this, and feel that I’m a black panther, Angela Davis militant who’s down for the cause; ready to mother the revolution. Or they feel I’m a Black Power feminist, and refuse to get to know me for me. But, they’ll pass me up and hit on the hood-rat chicken head sitting next to me at the bar. Go figure

Black men Feel ‘We’ are wearing the pants (are at least we’re trying too)

I’ve found that a lot of black men feel that there’s the ‘shift’ in power when it comes to roles in relationships. Some black men feel that black women have become too independent, too ‘manly’ and refuse to play our roles and know our place. And I’ve been told by black men, that as a career woman, I wouldn’t know what my roles are in a relationship or marriage, thus I lack the knowledge to please a man. Which to them deems me unworthy of wearing the title wife, because they feel I wouldn’t take care of them the way they saw ‘big mama’ take care of grandpa, yet most of them where raised by single black women who took care of them. Black men feel that black women are trying to wear the pants and be the providers, caretakes, and heads of the household because

1. We make too much money

2. We’re too power hungry

3. We’re superficial

4. We want to take control

5. We’re more into titles  and degrees

I had to stop listening to radio personality Michael Basiden, because for a while all most all of his dam show topics was about how black women don’t know how to let me lead. And after a while you get sick and tired of hearing the same mess being regurgitated by black men who fail to stay successfully married to one woman, or who find it difficult to experience happiness in a committed relationship. IF he had all the answers to what makes a happy, and healthy marriage, his ass would still be married.

But enough of  that, that’s part two of this posting.

I’ve found in my past relationships, some of the most difficult one’s I was engaged in (that failed) was with black men whom felt I wasn’t doing my ‘womanly duties’ by proving to him that I was worthy of being his wife. In other words, I wasn’t allowing him to ‘get the milk’ with out paying for the cow. Most black men want a woman who’ll carry out all the choirs of what’s assumed to be ‘wifely duties’ (i.e. cook and clean, have sex when he desires, wash his dirty draws) with out pressuring them for a ring. Meaning, he wants a woman who’s stupid enough to do all the things that many assumed to be limited to a wife, with out him feeling tied to you legally. This way he gets a glimpse of what’s to come IF he ever decides to marry you, while still leaving himself open for Beyonce. So, he’s not married, but he has the benefits of having a submissive, feminine wife with out being legally bound to one woman. And when Beyounce say ‘Yes’ to his marriage proposal he can drop my ass like chicken fresh out of hot grease.

I don’t think so (that’s part two of this posting)

They Don’t wanna put in work

Some! Black men don’t want a woman who makes them work for what she’s got. Some! black men claim to want the women who’re wholesome, who’re not lose and morally standing, yet when they find that they still mess with the women who give it up easy. They want the women who’ll play house, while letting them be ‘the man’ in the relationship; but don’t want to make it right and put a ring on it. Unless she’s a dime piece. But then they get scared that she’ll lose her looks and figure after she gets married and has kids, so they figure they’ll keep her on the back burner while keeping a look out for that email from Beyonce.

I personally have found that when I’ve dated men who where not black, I honestly had none of these issues. WE had issues, but it was more along the lines of trying to figure out how we could keep in contact with me being deployed (or him being deployed) while active duty Navy. Or, we had issues with cultural differences, but never an issue with my level of education, if I was going to wash his clothes, or if I understood how to let a man be a man and lead me.

I was never made to feel as if my accomplishments where small in comparison to his, a negative trait that would  keep me single, or that I was too independent; much less feeling the need to question my femininity if I’m not in the kitchen or the bedroom. But I have dealt with these issues when dating black men. The two most difficult relationships I’ve had was with black men. And I use to think that it was something in me choosing these types of men, since the saying goes you are what you attract. But I don’t know if this is the case any more. I’m about a half inch closer to giving upon being married and starting a family with a black man, because I wonder if this is what life with a black man will be like…

The Images of ‘Us’

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When will the Madness Stop?











What’s going on my people!!?!?!? Its been a while since I wrote last, and I had some free time, so I decided I would write a little before going to bed. I started thinking about a conversation I had with co-workers and I had about the movie ‘Norbit’ some time back. I was reminded of it when I saw this extremely large woman (black of course) ordering two number 2’s with a large diet coke from Mickey D’s. She reminded me of the character “Rasputia“; who was the star pupil through out the feature. Even though the movie was about the shy, good guy Norbit, the majority of the focus was Rasputia. She was the hideous, dark complexion, weave and wig wearing, morbidly obese, loud, rude, pushy, crass, scheming and unfaithful, love interest of Norbit; prior to him being saved by this skinny, beautiful, light complexion woman from his past (played by Thandie Newton). Her size was overly exaggerated, due to the issues she experienced when trying hard to fit comfortably in the driver seat of the compact car she drove through out the movie.

Now, some may not have taken her character personal which was actually played by Eddie Murphy himself. And most of my male co-workers felt that it was nothing more than a mere “comedy” or lack there of, written and produced by Eddie Murphy as a means of bouncing back after his divorce from his wife. But a  female co-worker of mine and I saw the movie a little different. Some may say that we where being ‘typical women’ and being over-analytical of a movie that was meant to be nothing more than pure entertainment; in which I personally understand that. I honestly don’t take any movie too seriously, after all it is a movie. But what was disheartening for me is the fact that when I saw this woman in line, I began to listen to some of the things that people where saying about her has she placed her order. One young man even compared her to the character as he and his peers began to chuckle. Of course they spoke on her weight, focused on her hair, her attitude and the fact that she was rude (because she was); and one ignorant brotha had the nerve to make the comment that women like her was the reason why he no longer dated black women 0_o.

As I calmed myself down after hearing his stupidity speak volumes of his over all character, it prompted me to bring this movie forward for discussion with my peers. Because I wanted to know how my people felt about such movies that depict black women as being the stereotypical “Rasputia” real-life characters.

We see Rasputia every day within the media in movies, in commercials, Ludacris and Red Man had a few in their rap videos and in our communities. The fact that we see a few in everyday life proves that there’s some truth to every stereotype; but honestly there has to come a time when enough becomes ‘enough’. I feel, the reason why “Rasputia” is so marketable is because:

There’s this myth that black women do not work out, for fear of sweating and messign up their hair.

Not only is it a myth, but for some black women it is a reality. There are black women who once their weaves and lace-front wigs or hair pieces have been sown in, sweating for them is not an option, in which this reminds me of the documentary “Good Hair” by comedian/actor Chris Rock. Some black women don’t even want you to touch their hair much less for it be ruined by sweat, induced by physical activity. Which for some of these women, they can and do become over weight, incapable of demonstrating cardio-vascular endurance and experience may unhealthy side affect (mentally, physically, emotionally and/or psychologically) as a result. I’ve witnessed black women refuse to work out or swim after getting their hair done, yet complain about being big and become depressed about their size. And it doesn’t help them over come bouts with depression and anxiety when they see such images of said black women being portrayed on the silver screen. I remember a black woman telling me that she’d walked out of the theater during the movie because she was outraged by how the Rasputia character was presented as being comedy, at the expense of black women who share the same physical attributes. She’d struggled with weight gain all her life; and the last thing she wanted was to see was such Tomfoolery being depicted of a black woman who’s physical features where a lot like hers.

People assume that Rasputia IS all plus sized, dark skin, black women.

American society (the world honestly) has been sold this ‘brand’ of black woman that fits the  stero-typical, hyper sexual, over weight, Aunt Jemima, Baby Mama, government assistance recipient black woman as being the over all description of most black women here in the U.S. Our own men even date and marry women from other countries, telling these women that he would rather be with them than Rasputia. So any time a black woman is plus size and dark in complexion, its automatically assumed that she’s unattractive, pushy, manly, overly aggressive, angry, loud, “ghetto”, and on the hunt for a man that she can push around and run over. And you’ll be surprised how many people actually think this way. They see Rasputia, and assign her imaginary personality traits to all black women who fit her physical description. Some black men (not all) steer clear of any woman whom “looks like she don’t play” and immediately assumes she’s the epitome of the character herself.  I’ll never deny that there are some black who’re a mirror image of Rasputia; but its a sad day when you see an entire ethnicity of women being cast into a generalized mold and told that they’re not worthy of being loved, because of how someone perceives their character, in relation to what’s being seen on T.V.

Keep in mind that some women are told this for so long, that eventually they start to conduct themselves in such a manner. If you’re told something long enough, you’ll soon start to believe it. Which is one of the main reasons why (I think) many of our women, dark, and plus size, have the nasty attitudes that embodies personality traits that gave birth to Rasputia.

OUR people don’t make it any better…

WE (black people) buy into these stereotypes!!!! Plain and simple. Many of us see ourselves the way we assume other people see us; and we incorporate this double consciousness of our individual selves that leads us to ‘act the part’. Thus, in our community, you’ll witness some black women who do not work out and gain excessive amounts of weight on the count of their hair. These women value the look of the fresh weaves or new hair-do’s more than that of their physical health. Physical attributes or artificial enhancements  (i.e. acrylic nails, weave, wigs, braids, mani/pedi-cures) for them means attracting a potential mate or ‘out-shining’ potential female competition. So if their hair and nails is always ‘did’, their shoe game is tight, and they stay fly, for these women, being in shape, eating right and taking care of one’s self doesn’t matter.

In our community, you’ll see the black women whom are told that they’re worth nothing more than finding some thug who needs a place to stay and a bed to lay in. So, these emotionally damaged women open thier homes and beds to disrespectful men. In the undertone message of Rasputia’s character, she was unfaithful to Norbit after all was said and done. No matter good Norbit treated her, she still ended up cheating on him with a skinny, po-pimp womanizer (played by Marlon Wayans). It was as if Norbit could never catch a break, he could never do anything right that pleased Rasputia, because she was always mad about something (this goes back to the angry, bitter stereotype of all black women). And the second she thought Norbit was looking at another woman, Rasputia did everything in her power to hurt him physically (letting him know) he would never do any better than her. Which is the same psychological war fare that some men use on women with low self-esteem (mainly the women who look like Rasputia) when incorprotating emotional abuse into her psyche. So Rasputia was using reverse-psychology on Norbit, breaking down his self -esteme, ensuring that he knew he would never be any good in his life unless she was in it. This was her way of showing him that even though she truly didn’t want him, she didn’t want him to have anyone else; for the mere thought of him being happy with another woman made her made enough to become physically abusive and aggressive.

Rasputia (like many women) wasn’t happy with herself, so she compensated for her unattractiveness, by hyping it up. She wore scantily, revealing, tasteless clothing (as you see many within the African American Community do) that showed much more than most wanted to see. Rasputia lacked fashion sense for her body type and was proud of it. The most memorable and culturally embarrassing scene to me would be the two piece bathing suit portion at the water park; where folds and roles, stretch marks, and  Kankels where introduced to the the audience. I felt this was a poke at the women who wear clothes that are two sizes two small, or that is not complementary to their body type.

My friends and I talked for almost two hours about this woman being seen as a ‘black woman’ in a movie that was written by a successful black man. I’m not sure if this was his way of getting back at all black women based upon the nasty divorce and rumored homosexual activity with R&B Singer Johnny GIll, or if he was just mad at black women in general. But I personally was a little sadden and disenchanted with the famed comedian who did “Delirious” and “48 Hours”. Yes, he did “The Klumps”, which picked upon obesity within the African American family, but I wasn’t really a fan of that either. One might say he made fun of Asians in “The Golden Child”, which happens to be one of my favorites. And yes, he does poke fun of everyone in some point in time in the majority of his comical sketches, movies and stand-up. So I’m not technically ‘complaining’; I’m just curious to know what do most of you think about the movie, and how black women are portrayed in the media?

The Gender Roles of Yester-Year

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September 1, 2010 marked my 32nd birthday. 32 years of being blessed, and able bodied to walk the face of this earth and accomplish many great things (in which I have).

I’ve served in the military for 10 years, I’m a supervisor at my current place of employment, I pay my own bills, enrolled in school full-time, a clean bill of health, financially stable. I would say I have more than most whom wish they where walking in my shoes.

But for some strange unexplainable reasons, I’m single! 0_o?

So many black women like myself are experiencing the same dilemma. We have all the chips in place (good job, education, financial stability, business and home owners, clean, well-kept, attractive and godly in most instances) yet we’re experiencing great difficulty wearing the title “Mrs”.

No husband, no children, just me, myself and I. Now, before I go out and purchase a ‘cat lady’ starter kit from the local ASPCA, I decided that it was time I do some self-evaluation; because I can only blame the media and society for what’s wrong with “me” as an individual for so long.  But I needed to get to the root of my own personal issues and find out why I and the many women like myself have yet to wed; as well as what I can do to change these ‘issues’ to make myself available for marriage.I know marriage is not the know all, end all to happiness; I’m going to be honest if a woman is not happy with herself, then she won’t be happy with man. But I’m lonely! And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

“Things are not the Same as When Mom‘s and Pop’s Hopped the Broom”

I keep hearing all this talk about how marriage was ‘back in the day’; and how when folks got married they married for better for worst. assuming that generations past took their wedding vows more serious than that of people to date. This may be true for many people, but something that I’ve personally find with many people in my life who’re married is that the family dynamics of today is not the same as it was 50 years past. In those days; men where the bread winners,  plain and simple. They went to work (mostly labor jobs), worked hard, bought home the bacon and assumed the role as head of the household. 

Daughters were taught how to be women. Most of us who grew up in my mothers day learned how to cook and clean, how to rear children and the importance of caring for a family. And they were taught find a man who could provide for them and their children.

Young men were groomed to be providers. Responsible community leaders, educated wise men who worked hard, and where self-reliant. Women knew their roles and men knew theirs. And there was very little to no ‘bluring’ between the lines.

Many would say the Feminist movement shattered these gender (exceptions) roles and have endanger the sanctity of the institute of marriage. I’ve heard many from the older generation state that Feminist have single-handedly ’emasculated’ men and have remade them into the more ‘kinder-genteler’ verson of  what constitutes a man. Givinf women and unfair advantage over men in work-force advancement, education and darn near domination in the house-hold, in politics and society.

You chose which ever you feel is correct, but I personally wondered what was so different about the teachings of yester day vs. today.

Daughters don’t really play with dolls any more….

I personally was taught as a young girl was taught what I call the 5 G’s:

Both my mother and my father taught me that my primary goals in life as a black woman was to become further educated! They stayed on  my back side about my grades, my mother was order by my father to sit down with me for at least two hours a night to go over my homework, ensure I understood the materials and passed my test. My father checked my grades, and if I had below a C+ (and that was if he was in a good mood) that was my ass. No if, ands, or ‘butts’ about it. I did my work, I par-took in extra curricular active that ensured I was not getting involved with the wrong crowd, and that would pave a way to college. We had no money, and my father knew that education was key to me becoming stable later on in life. He himself admitted that it would be a strong possibility that I would either be an unwed mother, or I would be single with no children. And he knew that I was going to need skills and training that would assist with me providing a decent living for myself. Because he didn’t want to see me on the streets selling myself, stripping on someone’s pole (literally) or becoming a ‘gold digger’. And he was the same way with my younger sister and brothers. His biggest saying was ‘Keep your legs and mouth closed, and keep your eyes and ears open’. Meaning stay off your back and learn the things you need to learn in life by listening in school and getting an education.

Now, I’m 32 years of age, working towards my bachelors, with several military/civilian equivalent certifications, employed as a computer analyst and no husband and/or children.

Most black women, hell most women in general that I know personally have received the same lessons in life. I wouldn’t say that feminist are the cause of this hard-knocks approach to life; but I honestly feel that women and men from my mother and fathers generation saw how difficult it is for a woman to raise a child(ren) on her own. Especially if she has very little to no education, work force experience and/or certifications/degrees. My father was raised by his mother; and my mother was raised by her mother. Both had alcoholic and abusive fathers, and were forced to live in dysfunctional homes. And their mothers had no money, worked odd jobs and barely scraped by. Both agreed that they didn’t want to see my sister and I suffer the same fate.

This positive reinforcement of encouragement has become my curse. Because now when I meet a man, I can’t tell him what I do, where or who I work for, how much money I make, or what I own, because if I do; I’m most defiantly casted into this generalized (stereotypical) category of being an ‘overly independent’ black woman. Most men who meet me feel they have nothing to offer me, so it’s a waste of time even trying to talk to me. Granted, (and this is not to say I have a chip on my shoulder) many of the men I do talk to may not have the same level of education, or training and work experience as myself. Thus I thinks issues within themselves would surface if they where to become involved with me (issues with man-hood and self-esteem)  Some may fear that I would seek to dominate him and wear the pants in the relationship as well. Lets be honest, some women who have a little something going for themselves do act this way. And they make it bad for those of us who are just searching for someone to share our lives with. But what I own, where I work or what degree’s a I posses has nothing to do with who I am as a woman. It doesn’t mean that I’m so career and success driven that I my longings for a man and his company are now null and void. Please my brotha’s, keep in mind that I make my money, my money doesn’t make me.

The Sowing of the Oats….

Even though my brothers, sister and I were taught to become further educated, and make something of ourselves in life. The lessons we learned in love where a little different. My sister and I were told to stay celibate and wait till marriage to find a ‘godly’ man and have before having sex. Were as my brothers were pretty much given a free fvck pass. They where not only taught, but strongly encouraged by my father to become sexually promiscuous with as many women as their hearts desire. He instilled in them, this destroy and conquer type of attitude that was accompanied with slight level of arrogance. They were told to never let their guards down and allow a woman to break them down (they’re men, and they should act and treated as such); never turn their backs on their bro’s for a hoe, and to never get serious about one woman until they’re about 50 years old (maybe later). They were told that as men, there was no need for them to settle down and start a family unless they’d traveled the world and experienced many women. My father would tell the stories of his sexual conquest to my brothers and males in company, as he allowed them to sip bear and flip through nudy magazines. It was a right of passage for the men in my family become indoctrinated into a misogynistic mind-set.

Which later lead to many failed relationships with good women, a baby mama of four, and the same battles with infidelity that my father and his brothers suffered. My brothers (both blood and friend alike) find it difficult to stay faithfully committed to one woman, because they’ve been taught for so long that it’s not in a mans nature to do so. Thus, they get married and soon end up divorced, paying alimony and child support. You’ll see these same men in their late 40’s to early 60’s; up in the club wearing a 3 piece suit and wing-tipped shoes looking for a young thang to keep them warm at night.

I’ve met many men who suffer from an inflated sense of their own worth. Feeling that they’ve yet to meet a woman who was worthy of them asking for their hand in marriage. As a friend in another blog put it

“It’s not that they’ve never met a woman who was unworthy of their hand in marriage, it’s that the brotha either strayed away looking for the next ‘bigger and better thing’ around the corner or they had such high standards that good women where unable to meet them.”

So many men have watched the whole parade of women walk by waiting for his chance at Mrs. America. Leaving a trail of broken hearts in the wake of this destruction, because he feels that he’ll someday meet Kim Kardashian or Beyoncé, and it will be love at first sight. And let’s be real (not all) but some brothers just have some serious issues in relationships. They’re bitter, suffer from the Angry Black man syndrome (the man is always out to get them), have issues with mama, racist, color struck (only date, marry, or have kids with a specific color of woman), and insecure. The same could be said for some women (we’re not to be left out). Any time men refuse to examine themselves and what they do wrong, it’s always linked back to ALL women as if they’ve met and know us all personally.

This is where ‘we’ women are all clumped into one category, shoved in a box labeled ‘same’ and left single. Even those of us who do play the traditional female roles (seek to be stay at home mothers, and want to be kept by a man) still have problems moving past the preconceived notions of modern woman over all.

If you’re edcuated, hold your own, and have something to bring to the table; you’re ‘too independant’, manly, and will seek to wear the pants in the relationship or marriage.

If you’re submissive, docile, what most would considered ‘feminine’ and play the traditioal role; you run the risk of being run over and  cheated on with the ‘bad girls’ who’re ‘too independent’.

If you’re the inbetween mixuter of the two, you still will possibly be single or experience many failed relationships; because you may possibly cross paths with men who’ve yet to finish sowing thier oats.

Honestly ladies, we’re damed if we do and damed if we don’t……..

The Double Consciousness of Black Love: The Cause and Effect Factors of Why We “Can’t Get Along”.

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I’ve been reading a very interesting book titled ‘Brainwashed, Challenging the Myth of Black Inferiority’ (by Tom Burrell). And this book brought forward some very thought-provoking topics that I felt were not only compelling revelations about the mindset of today’s African-American, but it touches on some issues that parallel to W.E.B. Dubois’ ‘Double Consciousness’.  Double Consciousness is a term coined by Dubois used to  describe what he felt was the contradictions between social values and the daily experience of African-Americans here in the U.S.

Dubois explains why he feels that ‘we’ as people have been deprived of our ‘true-self-consciousness’ by seeing ourselves through the generalized preconceived notions of individuals of other ethnicities. Meaning that we see ourselves the way many in the world see us.

I wrote a speech on this topic a while back in my public speaking class; where I cross referenced the images of African-Americans in Hip Hop/Rap videos (the images our own people project of us) and in movies, in relation to how black people are stereotyped in society. And most of you know what I’m talking about; where you see the video depictions of scantily clad black women swinging from a pole having Champagne bottles poured on their crowns; while ‘ghetto’ superstars walk in slow motion through the club. Adorned with diamond encrusted ‘Jesus Pieces’ swinging from their necks and drinking straight from the bottle.

These images of ‘us’ ‘up in the club’ are comparable to the early days of the minstrel shows, and how they were assumed to be an accurate depiction of the everyday life of a slave. And our youth imitate these ‘cake walks’ when entering social gatherings and venues.  Young black women wearing next to nothing, ‘P-popping’ on the dance floor as they drop it low for young black men who replicate the prison popular ‘sagging pants’; which if they really did their research they would understand that this signals of being spoken for by a fellow inmate/male homosexual lover.

But, let me get off that subject because I can honestly talk about that all dam day.

Referring back to the wisdom filled words of Mr. Burrell, I wanted to talk to you (the reader, the consumer, my brother and sister) about the misconception that ‘we’ as people are these sexually charged beast that’s just gotta have it. And what I mean by ‘it’ is this constant need to be sexually satisfied, or constantly seeking self- gratification through sexual conquest. Now, this can be applied to any ethnicity, but I wanted to focus more on African-Americans in relation to how we as a people view love, sex, relationships and marriage.

Burrell has a chapter in his book titled ‘Studs and Sluts’ Why Do We Conform to Black Sexual Stereotypes? And throughout this chapter he examines how African-Americans are categorized as being these hyper-sexed beings, fixated on achieving nothing more than a sexual high. He talks about how black men are seen as:

Brute (broot); a non-human creature; animal qualities, desires, etc; adj: an animal, non-human/not characterized by intelligence or reason; irrational/savage, cruel.

And how black women are seen as:

Jezebel (Jez-uh-buhl): noun: a woman who is regarded as evil and scheming; a wicked, shameless woman.

The images of black people (portrayed by black people) in the media, entertainment industry and society in general always finds ways of painting the picture of an African-American man or woman as fitting these descriptions.  And to be honest, some of our own people don’t make it any better. These stereotypes can be found within the infamous rape charges and allegations that African-American male athletes face or are found guilty of (example, Mike Tyson and Kobe Bryant), or through the secret harems exposed unto their wives  and the public during explosive sex scandals (i.e. Tiger Woods, Magic Johnson, and/or Wilt Chamberlin). African-American men have adapted to the ideology that in order to be seen as a ‘man’ or in proving his ‘man hood’ to other men he must use the functionality of his ‘man-hood’ upon countless women. He must have the ‘gift of gab’ and to ‘bag and tag’ as many dimes as possible, so that he can trade fables of conquest during a pick-up game of skins and shirts.

African-American women ARE NOT excluded from these tragic depictions. They’re not only seen as whores of Babylon, but they’re sub-consciously labeled gold-digging, lustful sluts who’ll use what they’ve got to get what they want. Many African-American women believe that the circumference of her rear-end defines her African femininity in the same manner that a slaves hind-quarters, hips and thighs where signs of being fertile and ready for breeding. African-American women have adopted this mind-set of having an ‘ass’ (and showing it) demonstrates that she’s in most cases ‘all woman’, and in doing so she’s  bought into this philosophy that being ‘freaky’ with numerous men equates to freely exploring her  sexuality. This ignorance has become such the norm amongst many African-American women to the point where this misinformed mentality is touted in the many images and lyrics you hear from modern-day female hip hop/rap artist. And any underground female artist seeking commercial stardom must do so at the expense of her pride and dignity. She has to ‘sell’ herself in a meat market of diluted prostitution to be even be seen as market worthy.

African-American females who are lucky to break into the entertainment industry either allow themselves to be exploited or they’re the ones choosing to exploit themselves via sexually explicit lyrics, sexually suggestive acts being carried out on-screen or during on stage performances; while gloating upon over exposed flesh (i.e. Lil Kim, Foxy Brown, Trina, and newly infamous Nicki Manji).  They do this as a means of increasing the shock value that fans the flames of controversy, increasing their fan-base (mainly African-American women) resulting in sky-rocketing record sales. And the African-American Community supports it! Many African-Americans believe that this is the way that black women ‘make it’. Or as one user told me ‘doing what they’ve gotta do’.  And any woman who dares confront these (‘assumed courageous) women  on this buffoonery, they’re labeled a ‘sell-out’, booji, or told they’ve forgotten they’re black.

So let me get this straight, you’re either  ‘hating’ on these women who’ve traded in the term ‘Queen’ in exchange for ‘5 Star B!tch’ based on her assets and bank roll; or you’ve somehow become so successful in life that you don’t recognize who’s staring back at you in the mirror 0_0?

This ‘Sex Factor’ mentality is one of the reasons why African-Americans experience great difficulty engaging in blissful relationships/marriage with members of the opposite sex. The things we see and hear in our movies and music is a constant reminder to us that

A.      Black men are male whores who can’t stay faithful to one woman; much less take care of his children as a father should.

B.      Black women are ‘skeezers’ using their ‘ass’ets’ to get ahead in life.

C.      Black women don’t need black men for anything more than d!ck, let’s face it, almost all the popular ‘love songs’ produced by black female artist talk about how they’ve been wronged by black men, so why bother being serious about them.

D.     Black women are nothing more than baby mama’s that crave dysfunctional drama and are emotionally, psychologically and mentally unstable.

E.      Black men are in constant ‘pimp mode’; always ‘sticken chickens’ and moving onto the next one.

Black entertainment tells us we can’t get alone with one another; thus we don’t! Most of don’t’ even try (don’t care too) because many of us have had so many difficult and failed relationships (that we’ve personally chose to engage in) with the wrong men and women, that we soon start to see one another with the same pair of misleading goggles.

Studs and Sluts Dynamics

Burrell breaks this mentality down so simple that even a cave man can do it. He incorporates these dysfunctional dynamics through three main points that explains the people who feed this miss-education of the modern-day Negro.

1.       Studs on the Hunt: Men who define themselves by their sexuality and sexual exploits.

They’re constantly on the sexual hunt with self-worth directly tied to their conquest and sexual performance. Sex is a higher priority than job advancement (higher education), fatherhood, and/or real relationships. They will risk all in the pursuit of the ‘booty’. They can’t (and will not) get too involved with their ‘jump offs’, chicken heads, ‘pigeons’, or ‘sideline h03’s’; because they’ve internalized their brutish nature by spouting this ‘I’m doing this to you, not with you’ mantra. They animalize, dehumanize, and objectify women to reinforce the idea that women (mainly African-American women) are unworthy of emotional commitment and long-term involvement.

We see this as being evident with the manner in which women are portrayed in African-American movies and music. The infamous strippers making in clap, the ‘dime pieces’ shaking it fast and the controversial credit card swipe down the ass crack in the video ‘Tip Drill’ all show black women as nothing more than mere stress relievers. Eye candy for visual appeasement and sexual gratification. Our African-American men see the women in these videos and lyrics being devalued and objectified on-screen, and they incorporate the same ignorant mentality into how they treat the common woman.

But what’s so amazing about this retardation is that some African-American men will devalue a black woman while uplifting the value of women who belong to other ethnicities. They see women with skin not like theirs as being more ‘wife’ worthy, based on the assumption that these women know more about what it takes to be a wife (domesticated, docile, and more feminine); and they believe that these women somehow make ‘better’ wives/mothers than that of the African-American women who raised them.

2.       Gold-Digging Slut: Jezebel-like sex objects who believe that to get anywhere in life, they have to be really good at ‘it’. Sex and sexual exploitation is their ticket, or money-maker.

Gold-diggers do one of two things

A.      They have intercourse in the hopes of becoming impregnated by a man with money and social status

B.      Allow themselves to become the conquest of the brutes in return for monetary and material gain (i.e. expensive dinners, jewelry, getting their bills /rent paid or starring role in a video). These ‘women’ are conditioned to devalue sex. Their innate emotions and needs for tenderness, compassion, and love are continually repressed. They personally believe they’re unworthy of love and respect, and avoid disappointment at all cost.

I think that these women have experienced failed relationship after failed relationship; and they’ve become hardened to the idea of being in love or loved by someone. Thus, they too identify and incorporate the lyrics of such songs as ‘Ding-a-lang’ rapped by Trina ft. Nicki into their life’s philosophies on love. And in doing so assume that they’ve already gained possession of the finer things in life, thus all they need a man for is what’s in his bank account or good sex.

These women are the female versions of brutes, while adapting to a misogynistic views of love and sex (i.e. devaluing the loving touch and companionship of a man). This leads many black men to assume that ALL black women incorporate these individual characteristics into their  personality traits, thus (to them) making black women less desirable as wives/mothers of their children, or see them as ‘acting manly’. Because its assume that only a men can separate love from sex,  if a woman demonstrates she can do the same (using men in the same manner that some men use women) she’s acting, and thinking like a man in respects to love.

3.       Gotta do whatcha gotta do: Sex as a means of substance and immediate gratification. Sex without emotion.  Defensive self-devaluation justifies their sensation-driven life. Propaganda validates their actions (i.e. what they see in the videos and what they hear in the music). Sexual behavior is (in their minds) a legitimate means to ‘making it’. They disassociate themselves from their bodies and the possibility of a finding authentic love.

This can be applied to both African-American women and men. There are just as many African-American men who ‘slang’ the ‘D’ as a means of paying rent, getting clothes, gifts and having a place to lay their heads.

African-American men and women share a mutual level of disrespect towards one another. They demonstrate continual disrespect, contempt, mistrust and ridicule towards each other; yet find ways to blame these dysfunctional attitudes towards everyone else. I read in this book that 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent of black women in American have never been wed.  And this is not to say that being married is the know all end all to the problems that plague black people, but it speaks volumes of how African-Americans find it difficult to get along with one another.

Now, we can debate the many theories and reasons why we’re experiencing such issues within our communities. We can even go so far as to assume that in being with a mate of another ethnicity that we’ve somehow ‘upgraded’ in the model of lovers we’ve chose. But to me personally one of the REAL reasons why we’re not marrying or being serious about marriage to one another is the FACT that we spend more time finding fault with one another than we do within ourselves. We sub-consciously engage in this ‘battle of the sexes’ finding any and every reason we can point fingers and lay blame on the opposing parties.

When will WE realize that our choice in mate determines the type and level of love we’ll share?