DeityNyota

For Those Who Go Beyond Boundaries

Posts Tagged ‘Marriage

When Being Freaky is Being Plain Greedy

leave a comment »

Image I happend to run across this posting on a friends Facebook page that I frequent and stir the pot of controversy in from time to time.  The posting read

“I’m a 39 year old black man who’s so much in love with my wife… But at the same time I’m real freak…I have fantasize about having a threesome…how do I go about telling her.”

Keeping it PG here, he explained that she’s no longer providing the ‘spark’ that he’d once experienced upon meeting her many years back; and that he was contemplating adding an ‘additional member‘ to his team. In his mind, he felt that this would bring forward a newness of passion that would provide excitement to a rather dull love life. But, the new team member could only be coached by him! Since he was the team hitter, no one else (no other man) could step up to the plate and take a swing at his wife. “that’s me and mines” he proudly stated.

Here’s my take on this whole issue that men face when dealing with desires of new flesh.

I had to explain to him that its quite possible that he’s not the only one who’s think about a new member if that area of his marriage is lacking. Trust and believe there are times that his wife deals with pleasing him while sacrificing her own needs (and possibly thinking about something new). And I assured him (as well as many other men that’ve had this conversation with) that his spouse may not feel that his performance is all that great either. Thus she’s putting the same efforts into these lack luster sessions as he is. You get what you give. When ever your spouse feels that being with you becomes a duty, he/she will no longer feel a desire for intimacy. Because now it becomes one of those chores that we must do but really lack the time, patience or energy to complete.

You’ll experience this lack when YOU as their spouse fail to continue to do the same things you did to get them, as a means of keeping them. Drafting a new member to your husband and wife team does nothing but add complications to a situation involving two people who’s business should be kept amongst themselves. The bedroom is the sanctuary of a married couples love; that’s designed to nurture the intimacy they share between one another, contained within the vows they took before God unto each other. Their flesh has become one. And the last thing anyone (man or woman) should want to do is bring forward someone who’s values for love and intimacy may not be the same as yours, or that may bring added drama into your union.

I personally can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would want someone else to view first hand the dysfunction between them and their spouse? The most intimate details that should shared between the woman/man in which you’ve formed a covenant before God should be taken before God, not “Sugar” the shake dancer.

But I found it funny how he loved his wife so much; and she was everything he ever wanted in a woman; but he was unwilling to ensure that she was just as satisfied as he wanted to be. He couldn’t see how selfish he was in his desire for new flesh; using the cop-out that its in his nature as a man to want more than one lover. This ‘desire’ which is really greed was causing him to have a mental block, that was hindering his ability to see the sensuality in his wife. His self-proclaimed ‘freakiness’ was nothing more than a selfish justification to satisfy his lust for another woman. Because I’m sure he’s already got the woman he wants to introduce to his wife picked out. If he hasn’t already slept with her.

After an exchange of opinions, he finally admitted that he simply really wanted to leave his wife for another woman. Which is a classic case of someone thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.

No Nuptials, No Nookie! (Part 1)

with one comment

The indulgence of pleasing a woman's erogenous zones are just as important to women as it is men; we just need men to understand that its  even more so important to please us mentally.

The indulgence of pleasing a woman’s erogenous zones are just as important to women as it is men; we just need men to understand that its even more so important to please us mentally.

“The key to opening a man’s heart is to understand that, in intimacy, the masculine essence usually values the gift of life energy more than the gift of emotional presence. Life-energy–expressed sexually and as bodily radiance– is SO valued that many men have left a woman they deeply love for a woman whom with they can flow more deeply in sexual passion” –David Deida

David Deida is an American author who writes about the sexual and spiritual relationship between men and women. He’s written and sold some very thought provoking books that have been  published in 25 languages. He focuses on conducting spiritual growth and intimacy workshops, and just happens to be one of the many founding associates at the Integral Institute. He’s conducted research and taught classes at the University of California at Santa CruzLexington Institute in Boston, San Jose State University and Ecole Polytechnique in Paris; and he’s authored numerous essays, articles, and books on human spirituality including “The Way of the Superior ManFinding God Through Sex and Blue Truth” and the autobiographical novel “Wild Nights“. All books in which I plan on reading.

After receiving the 1974 National Writing Award, Deida was admitted to the Florida Scholars Program at the University of Florida; where he founded the Plexus Interdisciplinary Center, researching medicine at Shands Hospital, The University of Florida. And in 1982, he graduated Phi Beta Kappa from the University of Florida with a bachelor’s in Theoretical Psychobiology. That same year, he was granted a fellowship at the Laboratory for Theoretical Neuroscience at the University of California, San Diego Medical School; and he  conducted research in the ontogeny of self/non-self boundaries and the evolution of the nervous system and its relationship to space-time dimensionality.

Can we say “Jimmy Neutron” of the human sexual behavior world?

Now, this is one smart cat; and I take everything he has to says as well as ALL the conclusions he’s reached from extensive study at face value. With impressive credentials such as his, this man could probably tell us that the moon is red and we’d believe him. But I bring him forward because I feel the statement he made in regards to male sexuality has been taken out of context by some men seeking to justify an over exaggeration of male lust for the female species. I say this because I’ve engaged in some very interesting and heavily debated conversations with many of men who quote Mr. Deida faithfully, with out getting a better understanding behind the reasoning or basis of his studies. I think that these men tend to be more caught up in the sexual aspect of this statement, in relation to their individual experience with their own masculinity, that I honestly feel they miss the entire message.

But then again, people only take what they want from a statement, the results in a scientific study, or scriptures in the bible to assist with building a sturdy foundation for an argument, that’s linked loosely to their individuals interpretations of the world around them.

What I think Mr. Deida Means (From A Woman’s Prospective)

Some men mistakenly assume that Mr. Deida is justifying engaging in premarital sex with the listed statement above. Their logic tells them that this statement is powered more so by their over-wheleming need to satisfy lustful, sexual urges and less to express their love for one woman. At least not right way.

Sex for the average woman is tricky, for the simple fact that when our bodies are being used as an of expression of love or physical attraction we have a lot more to lose should the relationship go sour. Everything from or healthy, to our sanity, emotions and even our reputation is as stake when giving ourselves to man. And that’s based upon the assumption that a woman who’s giving herself to a man is “technically” in a relationship with the man in which she deems worthy of her feminine essence.

I speak from personal experience when I say that I (and many other women) have made the mistake of assuming that in giving my love (physically, emotionally and sexually) to a man I cared for deeply; he would freely release an equal reciprocation of love and affection unto me. I thought that if I gave myself too him, two hearts would become one and we’d live our lives like James and Florida Evans sustained by true Ghetto love.

But DAM! DAM! DAM JAMES! To my dismay, I was either left for another woman who demonstrated less sexual restrictions and moral standards than I (that proper folks talk for “She’s a Super freak”), or the thrill of engaging in the physical expression with someone new (me) had worn off, and he was now seeking the next ‘big adventure’.  He’d got what he wanted, the chase was over, onto the next episode. I blame this irrational form of affection on the fact that so many men use the act of sex as a means of recreational release; and less as an expression of love itself.

Now, this is not to say that all men are guilty of this. There are men who are just as in tune with their woman’s sexual needs as she is into his; but for a man who’s not really serious about the women he beds either on occasion or during spontaneous encounters; expressing his love for her is the furtherest thing from his mind during the act of sex. Sure, as he gains experience; he may prefect various techniques, which can be mistaken as a form of love in physical expression by the woman (or women) in which he pleases. But I assure you that a man who has or is seeking to have many (physical) lovers he’s not in love with the women he lays with.

Men Love Sex….Well, So Do Women!

Yes! Its a proven fact that men love sex. I think there’s not a soul on the face of this earth will deny that sex itself is an important factor in a relationship/marriage for man. But the fact of the matter is, women love sex too! And because we too enjoy the act, there tends to be this double standard placed upon our sexuality over that of a mans. Thus as women (the ‘assumed’ more emotionally fragile creatures) we have to be more selective and careful in whom we give our bodies too.

Think about it?

For women, or most women I know personally, to engage in the act of freely giving her mind, body and soul to a man is a cherished, honorable, virtuous, and genuine expression of love. We’re taught to be chastened virgins prior to marriage; only allowing our first sexual experience to be limited to our future husbands.  Even though many women don’t hold true to this tradition, we’re still held more accountable for the consequences that follows the act over all.

Example:

Some men simply enjoy engaging in the act of life procreation (that’s the fun part because it feels good); but they despise the end result of an unwanted pregnancy. She’s respected his desires by having sex, but she’s seen as devious, scandalous and a ‘wretched’ if she choses to have the child against his wishes.

You’re trying to ‘take him for his paper’ because you’re taking him to court to ensure he pays for the child he assist with creating.

Thus the option of  birth control or choosing to abstain from sex over all is always placed upon the woman’s shoulders. Because the second she makes it known to that man (who wanted to express his love for her sexually) that she’s pregnant, her love status in his eyes has changed. For some men she’s no longer physically appealing; the changes in her body during the pregnancy renders her physically unattractive, and her mood swings in relation to her hormones can (in most cases does) lead him to ‘need his space’. Prior to the pregnancy you where ready to show your “love” frequently. But now that you’ve created life you need your space.

Or

If a woman’s heart is broken by a man who used sex as an expression of love; its her fault that she “gave it up” too soon. The woman is the individual force to take the walk of shame when its found that she’s been unknowingly added to a menagerie of female figurines; used for a mans sexual pleasure. She may not have had knowledge his true intentions for her; she had no idea that he was secretly positioning her to be added to his harem.  Heck, he may have possibly made her feel like she’s the only woman in the world for him; by spending quality time, purchasing gifts, paying for trips and the such. All the while he’s engaging in a balancing act of tending to her needs

As well as  the cute cashier at Wal Mart

And the secretary at his doctors office

And one of the single mother who’s son plays on the pee-wee league football team that he coaches. 

Some men tend to pride themselves on the number of women in which they engage in sexual intercourse with; in relation to their ratings on a scale of 1 to 10 in the looks department. They rate their women based upon

  • her body type (size and shape)
  • her assets (T&A)
  • her physical looks and facial features
  • skin complexion and smoothness
  • hair texture
  • level of ‘freakiness’ (what is she willing to do for him sexually).

They calculate these things in a scoring system that gives them accolades or ‘cool points’ from other men. And these unknowing women are turned into sexual conquest that makes for good sex stories during “Poke-her” Game  night while puffing a Cuban and sipping cognac. These men fail to see a woman beyond sex and beauty, because for them sex is not a form of expression in regards to his love for one woman;  as much as its about about how many women he can get, how good do they look to him, will his boyz approve of her looks, and does she make him feel like “a man” during the act of sex. He attaches the value of his man-hood to his “man-hood”. Because his conquest defines who he is as a man, and how his male counter-parts sees him.

The responsibility of recognizing his game and weeding through the untruths he tells in pursuit of ‘tail’, rest heavily upon the shoulders of the women that he beds.

Thus women are forced to be very cautious about who they give their mind, bodies, time, heart and souls too; making it difficult for many of us to freely engage in sex with a man before marriage. Many women have been burned raw by the illusions of what we thought where the love of a man; or we’ve known of a close female friend, family member, or co-worker who’s exposed her heart break after finding she too was a conquest trophy. So WE have to find a delicate balance between the time frame in which we give ourselves too a man, should we chose to do so.

Some women chose the famed 90 day rule; which is nothing more than an abstract number made up by a famed retired stand up comedian (who’s a self-proclaimed reformed Womanizer turned Christian)

Some women chose to do so after the 3rd date

Some women chose to abstain until wedding night consecration.

Either chose leads a woman to play a deck of cards with a “Joker” concealed within the shuffle. We never know what our hand looks like when first meeting a man, and to be truthful we still don’t really know WHO he is even after 3 months of dating. I say this because my rule of thumb when dating is that it takes  a good 3 to 6 months for a man to retire his ‘representative’ (the charming, thoughtful, sensitive man who’s professing his unyielding love for you); and the real “Him” show up and show out” (the bother that’s been waiting patiently to tap into your spine).

 

He just wants a “test drive”

For some men premarital sex is a means of ‘test driving’ a woman. Meaning he wants to engage in sexual intercourse with her with out having to legally commit unto her within the confinements of marriage. This option of tasting the milk with out buying the cow leads for a man to have room to breath easy in a relationship with a woman. It benefits him because he gets the wife experience with out having the legal constraints of having a wife.

The problem with some women is that many  of us buy into this ‘test drive’ notion as being acceptable. Some of us have had men reject us because our legs where not easily spread with by their words of persuasion. Its too much work to get to know a woman who won’t give it up. And its not safe for insecure men to get to close to a woman that he can’t use for nothing more than sex. For if he spends to much time with you, getting to know you for who you are (beyond the bed room) that leaves him vulnerable to possibly falling for you and being open to emotional hurt. For men who chose the test drive method, they can hold YOU (the gullible woman) at bay by telling you what you want to hear; while waiting for something ‘better’. And with some men is always about what’s ‘better’ because they’re never satisfied with what they have (not until she’s gone). So he’ll put time and energy into

  • Telling you he’s planning for your wedding; while telling everyone else he never had any intentions of getting married.
  • Showing you the house he claims he’s saving money to purchase after marriage, yet refusing to save money and fix his credit to make that dream a reality.
  • He tells you he loves you; but its only when your having sex.

And you continue to catch him in lies with different women that he claims are just friends; and you still don’t get it. So let me break down this ‘test drive’ for you good people.  “Test Drive” is nothing but ‘man code’ for

“I wanna sleep with you; and have you perform these ‘wifely’ duties (cooking, cleaning, washing his dirty draws) playing house; while he’s keeping my options open (just in case Beyonce leaves Jay-Z for me)”.

Our society tells women that closed legs don’t get a ring on it; thus so many women exchange knowledge of self worth’ for the sake of being able to say they have ‘a man’ at home.

Yea, you’ve got a ‘boo thang’, a new ‘bo’, or a sponsor who say’s you’re his ‘5 Star chick’; but are you in a REAL relationship with him?

How does he act when you attempt to talk to him about your future together (marriage) vs. when you talk about having sex?

Have you been introduced as his girl, his girlfriend, or his wife to be (fiancé) within the last past 3 years?

So many women don’t understand that there’s a huge difference in having ‘a man’ and being kept by your future husband. Some women don’t understand that your future husband will wait for sex, because he knows that there’s more to you than just your sex. Your future husband wants to connect with you on a deeper level that surpasses the depths of your womb. “A man” doesn’t care about waiting, because to him, all you are is convenient sex. What you won’t give him, another woman will. He can dump you for someone else who’ll play house when you forget to stay in your place and attempt to move past the boundaries in which he sets for you as his play wife. While your future husband wants to get to know you for who you are and what you have to offer him in a marriage, as his partner and not as his long term girlfriend. He’s more interested in investing time in building a stable foundation for a REAL relationship (future marriage) with you that’s comprised of love, trust, honor and respect. For he (your future husband) understands that sex will come with marriage; and its enhanced by love; which constitutes ‘making love’ not just having sex. Your relationship to him is not just a ‘test drive’ is a commitment.

Where as ‘a man’ just wants you for what you can do for him sexually; which is no different than what he can get from any other woman willing to give it to him (and probably already is, while he’s with you!).

In Conclusion of Part 1 To this On Going Saga…..

Some men will never really fully grasp the concept of making love to a woman they love until they’re able to get closure from hurt in past relationships that have failed with other women (or one woman). Yea, I said it. Many men are merely fore filling an empty desire for companionship with a woman by engaging in an empty exchange of meaningless sex. These men think that have sex with different women will ease the discomfort he’s experiencing from unresolved relationship issues of his past.

May it be his need to find a ‘bed warmer’; i.e. A Pretty.Young.Thang that will rub his bald head and pat his wrinkly bottom in older age.

A ‘homieloverfriend’ that assist with filling the void he’s found within himself during a bitter divorce from his wife of many years.

Or a man that’s been burned raw by the heat of a heartbreak from a woman he allowed himself to be vulnerable too

The majority of issues men have in their current relationship with women is not her inability to give him the sex he lust for prior to marriage; and these issues will not be resolved until they finally acknowledged and get rid of the ’emotional bags’ linked to the ghosts  of girlfriends and wives past.

Honestly, before they event think about pursuing another woman they really need to

  1. Have a truthful heart to heart with themselves: Conduct an honest self-evluatoin of how YOU may have contributed to the dysfunction in your unions. Get to t he root cause of why you fail to engage in a healthy, happy relationship with a woman where sex is not just the focal point of her over all existence in you life.
  2. Figure out what went wrong with ‘that one‘ before starting something new with ‘this one‘.
  3. Give yourselves the time needed to grieve from your heart break: Yes! that also means being secure enough your man-hood that you’re able to break ‘man code’ and allow yourself the chance need to cry. Heal yourselves from the inside out of the current  emotional wounds you’re nursing; prior to getting back into the dating game.

Why? Because men are every bit as much afraid of being alone as women are. NO MATTER how hard they try and deny this fact; men don’t do lonely well. This is why they mistaken sexual  lust for a woman as equating to an expression of love. THEY think that laying up in the bed and getting in between a woman’s legs means that they’ve found love or that she loves them. Because they’re replacing their temporary sexual experience with the new ‘boo’ with the experiences they’ve had with their past lover (mainly the one who hurt them). And this leads many men to use sex as a weapon of choice when emotionally harming innocent women; based upon the actions of a woman in their past.

In order words ladies, while you’re laying on your back looking up at a the scorn man on top of you; he’s not seeing you, he’s seeing the woman who hurt him. And he’s punishing you for her actions by sub-conciouslly getting back at her though your vagina. He never really allowed himself the time he needed to get over what happened between him and ol’ girl. And honestly, some men don’t want to get over what happened with him and his ex. They want to live life stuck in a constant perpetual cycle of bitterness by making every woman pay for her past mistakes. His logic tells him that while he’s giving you the business, that some how hurts her (the woman who’s moved on) to know that another woman has taken her place.

So ladies, be careful with a man who’s more eager to show his love sexually, and less emotionally, mentally and psychologically. Any man who doesn’t desire nuptials, is not good enough for you to give him to nookie.

 

Steve Harvey Says I have A Gold Mine, and I Agree!

with 4 comments

 

I guess I made some people mad!!!

I was surfing facebook last night prior to going to bed as always. When I came across the facebook page of former comedian/radio personality Steve Harvey. Before I go any further, I want people to know that I like Steve; I don’t like his books, because to me personally I feel that the advice he gives women in regards to relationships is stuff that should be common sense. But I’ve followed his career from when he first started; and have cheerfully supported its transform through out the years. Well, while scrolling through his feed, this image jumped out at me. And immediately I liked it because I think it makes perfect sense.

I was under (what I’m assuming) was the mistaken impression that this statement serves as a reminder to women of how precious and priceless our bodies are.

I thought (and maybe I was wrong) that its saying to women, your body is your temple, and it can’t be bought, nor sold. Or that any man who seeks to find your treasures must first hold the key to your heart. Now, I know it sounds like something from a Walt Disney movie in todays age of “bag and tag” a dime piece for bragging rights; but I still think his message to women today is that we shouldn’t use our ‘cookie’ as bartering currency in exchange for goods and services.

At least that’s what my logical analysis told me 0_O?

I guess that maybe this isn’t what he was meaning by this statement, or it may be possible that my response to an individual poster wasn’t appreciated.

There was a woman (name shall remain anonymous) who’s response read something like this:

“that’s right ladies, that means that if you have a man and you’re working “it” right, your bills should be paid, food should be on the table, rent paid (not mortgage but rent), and you should have money in your pocket if your in a relationship with a man” (Not  if you’re someone’s wife, but a relationship with ‘a man’)

It was clear that this woman was so proud of her response; I even imagined her smiling to herself as she typed her half-thought out justification for promoting self-prostitituion. There was even a few (misguided) women who disagreed with the posting, assuming that Steve and this woman (as well as many others) where echoing the same thought process.

One woman asked why do ‘we’ as a people (black folks) teach our daughters such non-sense; after a male subscriber pretty much came out and admitted that he feels any woman who believes that what she has is sacred treasure is not worth the time it takes to get it, because he can go and get it from someone more willing.

To men personally, seeing these people take that approach to this comment demonstrates the dysfunction between normalcy in the perceptions of female sexuality and appeal vs the projection of hyper-sexualality that we see daily of the female anatomy. Or is what I a many others assume to be normally (celibacy) an uncommon reality for most women?

I attribute the negativity that transpired on this thread to the following:

Disrespect:

Not only are women disrespecting and desecrating their bodies in pursuit of financial gains and fame, but there’s a surge in disrespect of black women from black men. Its evident in the constant video’s we see of black men beating black girls and women in clubs and on public busses, and the blatant disrespect for any black woman who’s not their idea of beauty that the black male posters mention where ready to tear apart any woman who agreed with the comment from a positive standpoint. I watched the drama unfold as regulars who where identified by female subscribers as trolls posted rude and crass comments about how women are of less value if they’re promiscuous, and how their ‘man-hood’ would be the key to unlock that ‘rusty dusty’ box as one man put it.

There’s nearly no love for a woman who values her body as being a gift to share between her husband and she; completely what many of us considered the holy trinity ordained by God (man, woman and child). We’ve some how subconsciously assisted with self-degredation by willingly perpetuating the need to be valued and validated base mostly upon sex and less upon love. Some of us women foolishly believe that the ‘better’ our sex is the more pleasing we are as a spouse for a sex-cracved male; who’ll in turn love and provide for us. Or, we think allowing him to ‘test drive’ our gears will show him that we’re the one he needs in his life, placing us above the rest of his side line chicks, dime pieces, jump off’s, baby mama(s), and booty buddies.

In todays society (mainly what I’ve seen within the African American community as of late) its become a negative if a woman choses to wait until marriage for intercourse. You’re seen as being a prude, selfish, or putting ‘it’ upon a pedal-stool; while making yourself unobtainable by most men. As a woman who choses to wait, I’ve learned that celibacy can do one of two things to many men today. It can

A. drive them away: They’d rather dump you and find a woman who’s willing to give them sex; yet complain later about having baby mama drama; STD’s and issues with crazy women. And you’d think they’d have the common sense to link their issues with women to the misuse of their genitals. But for some strange reason this is a rare epiphany.

B. teach them patients: Some men honestly appreciate a woman who’ll wait until marriage or take her time before having sex. These men appreciate a woman who’s more confident in getting to know him and herself, seeing if they’re emotionally compatable vs.  hopping in the sack. But this type of virtuous woman is few and far in between, and these type of patient men are rare finds. Those of us who don’t just ‘do the do’ are like undiscovered dinosaur facile. It takes the careful uncovering of layers and years of emotional dirt pilled on one’s psychological being, as a result of past relationships and emotional baggage.

And In most cases that I’ve seen, most men of today chose A. This brand of disrespect becomes a game of casual dissing and mutual contempt towards any woman they’re unable to gain carnal knowledge of. And don’t be a woman who’s seeking more in a relationship than just providing him with a steady supply of sex, because now you’re labeled a stuck up, cold hearted, ice-queen; and stuck with being seen as a tease that’s a waste of his time. Some of the men in the thread took it a step further and started to insult the women whom where thinking the same as I; childishly resorting to name calling and making accusations of assumed under cover freaky sexual behavior, and fetishes with adult toys.

All that because we said we’d rather wait O_o?

You don’t even know me!

The “Beat Down”:

This could have two meanings within the African American community.

This could mean the fast growing rate of African American women who’re victims of physical, verbal, sexual and psychological abuse resorting to sex as a means of mental escape and comfort. Incidents of family violence within the African American family are at their highest; with the number one killer of African American women age 15 to 34 being dying at the hands of a lover or spouse.

African American women tend to experience a lack in intimacy in their unions with lovers and in many cases, the only time she feels safe or comfortable with her partner is during intercourse.  Many African American women have been raised in homes where sex is used as conflict resolution, control, or as a means of self-gratification.

If she’s desired sexually then she feels complete as a woman and sees her self as being attractive and worthy enough for love.

If she gives in and gives him what he wants (satisfies his urges) there’s less of a chance of physical altercation

Or (as the woman stated) she’ll receive payment (money, bills/rent paid, gifts, cars and maybe even stardom).

This goes back to the emotional detachment that black men today experience with black women, leaving the only connection that many from the male species have with women is through sex.

Or it can mean that he ‘beat it up’. His or her sex is so good that it makes their loves become ‘drunk’ off their love making. Not realizing this assist with further incorporating the hyper-sexual mentality of black men and women that can be linked to slavery. Where black male slaves where used as ‘studs’  for breading live stock and black female slaves where used as ‘bed-warmers’ and sexual outlets for their slave owners, even for breading.

SOME black men (not all) find it difficult to stay faithful to one woman; thus creating the following mentality.

Keep an Ace In the Hole: 

Infidelity within the African American community is a norm. Its advocated and highlighted in our songs, projected in mass media messaging, and “we” brag about sexual conquest while being unfaithful to a lover and/or spouse. Many African American women feel that if their ‘good good’ is so good, it will keep a man and act as their personal Gold Mine. Leading to career advancement, financial stability, fame and personal gains.

There are African American men who’re married to or dating one faithful woman, while having many ‘side-line’ jump off’s. These additional women pray on these unfaithful men by using their ‘good good’ to secure their future with a wealthy man (maybe even a married man) ensuring their needs are met.

Again, as advocated by the female poster; I’ve heard many African American men state that they have something on the ‘side’ ready just in case their main or ‘bottom’ acts up. Thus the additoinal woman/women benefit form the ‘Ace’ menaltiy demonstrated by some black men.

To hell with it

To be honest, I don’t know if I’m wrong or if I’m thinking to much (going to deep) into this posting. As a Virgo, I tend to over analzye darn near everything! But isn’t this statement speaking of the exact opposite of using what you’ve got to get what you want? I don’t know if its just me; but I thought that what Steve was saying is that as women “WE” should take responsibility over our bodies and our sexuality by not being so willing to give our ‘treasures’ away so freely. I thought (and maybe I’m wrong) that he’s telling women we must understand that there’s more to us as a people than what we can provide for a man sexually. We’re human beings that have dreams, goals and aspirations in life; and most importantly we desire (OR SHOULD DESIRE) to be loved for who we are as women and we should be patient enough to take our time when seeking to be found by a man who understands and respects the values and morals we project for ourselves.

I tried to go back and check on the colorful responses from the plethora of black folks who’d liked his page; but I discovered that I was removed; my comments in response to the other individuals posting was removed and many of the other comments that followed where removed. So I can just imagine the verbal feeding frenzy that was spawned during that “light hearted” conversation.

I’m not upset about it, after all its just facebook; so its not serious enough to go “H.A.M” and conduct a “e-thugh” drive-by posting to other users pages. Although the thought did cross my mind after reading some of the things being said. But I just chalked it up to being that awkward moment you feel when you say something that to you makes sense, while everyone else thinks its stupid.

All The Single Ladies!

leave a comment »

What's wrong with this picture?

I honestly don’t see anything wrong with waiting for a husband, nor allowing God (or what ever deity you worship) to bring you a spouse.

I saw a divorced individual mocking this picture in my facebook feed today, and I found it interesting that someone who’s no longer married would poke fun of women who’re doing their best to get marriage right the first time. Now, I want this individual and everyone else here to understand that I’m not trying to pic a fight with them, or poke fun, but I was very interested to know why they would do such a thing, when in all actuality, they may want to reconsider their strategy for finding (or being found by) love.

Because obviously their methods are not working.

Let’s be honest here, since we’re constantly reading these 50% of marriages end in divorce static’s being quoted on a regular, you would think that women who’re trying to do the right thing and wait for marriage to the right man would be be praised verse persecuted. But for some strange and un-explainable reason, members of society have skillfully mastered the art of ridiculing single women, while praising single men or even men who demonstrate the “married man, single man’s mentally” syndrome (meaning they’re unfaithfully married).

But I wanted to address a few things:

No, we’re not desperate…….well….not all of us. 

Being a woman of faith who’s patiently waiting for her time to be chosen for love and marriage is not a sign of being a desperate, lonely, “man-hungry” woman in the body of Christ. I think I speak for many Christian women when I say we don’t sit around all day praying for God to bring us a ‘Godly Man’ and we don’t spend our days upon end consumed with the dreaded fact that we’re single.  At least not the Christly women I know on a personal level.  True, there are women in the church who fit this description, but there are women in the world (or worldly as we church folk call it) who’re no different.

We know who we are! We don’t need a man to define that for us. 

I see so many women ‘settle’ for a man. The fear of simply being alone leaves many women so desperate and ‘thirsty’ for a man who they’re willing to put up with anything from any one, as long as they can say they ‘have a man’. Many of these women do so because they do not know who they are! They don’t know their purpose in life and they’re seeking a man that will assist in defining their self-worth while seeking personal validation. But as a woman who demonstrates total trust in the almighty to be blessed with a man after God’s heart (being kept by my husband); I feel that its my duty to understand who I am in Christ FIRST, knowing my worth and finding peace in Gods timing. I’ve learned by watching other people’s failed marriages and relationships that its best for me to wait on “Him” to work things out on my behalf, verses me trying to do  permanent things with temporary people in my life.

For me personally, as a woman of faith, I know that my marital status has no bearing on my self-worth; which makes it easy for me to not have a problem with being single. I fully understand that I have to love myself first! Prior to allowing myself to be sought after by my future husband.

You can’t be happy with someone else in your life if you’re not happy with yourself.

Any woman can have ‘a man’ but it takes a real woman or a woman who’s confident in who she is (and in my opinion stead fast in her faith) to patiently wait to be kept by her husband.

My faith is not a cult boo-boo, its just what I believe works for me. 

So many people mistaken being devoted to one’s faith with being brainwashed and uneducated; based upon the debauchery we see amongst self-proclaimed Christians. But I want people to know that we’re not all one in the same!

I know plenty of Godly women personally (myself included) who understands that there’s more to life as a woman than being someone’s jump off, booty call, or ‘dime piece’ for show.

Many of us have arrived at the conclusion that in order to be found by love we must first love ourselves.

No, I’m not blinded by my faith, trust me when I say I that I’ and many other women in the church are very outspoken women who can clearly express and think for ourselves. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I’ve never had a problem with thinking outside the box. But! I do seek a deeper knowledge of my God’s purpose for me in my life through his word, so that I do not end up being one of these people who’ve been married and divorced, or married to a man whom doesn’t love me; for the sake of being able to say I’m married.

Unlike some women, I PERSONALLY DO NOT settle for less than what’s promised unto to me; which is a husband and not ‘a man’.

Any woman can have that!

My Preacher is not my Pimp! 

Contrary to popular belief, I personally don’t need a Pope, Priest or Pastor to tell me my worth or act as a ‘medium’ between my God and I; because I’ve established a connection with him for myself, knowing who he is to me and how he operates in my life. My paster does nothing more than assist with me having a better understanding of my God’s word, but he’s not my God. Nor does he play “Captain Save’em” for me. As women of Christ, our over all being is not defined by if we have “a man” or not that’s ordained by another man who’s walk with Christ may possibly be just as conflicted as ours.

Most importantly we know that being married is a full-time responsibility that can not or should not be shared with just any ‘man’.

Being found by one’s husband takes time, patience and humility and faith; Thus, Christian women allow this time we have to ourselves to be used as Gods time to work on developing these traits. So that when our husbands do seek us; he’ll find a “good thing”. He’ll find a woman who’s been through so much with unfit men in her life, that’s she’s more appreciative of a Good Man that seeks to take her hand in marriage.

Some may say that this through process is that of a fairy tale or an unrealistic expectation. And if this theory is what works for them that’s fine! People can think what they may.

I personally believe that anyone who has this mentality (thinks its fairy tale idea) is an individual (man or woman) whom feel’s they’re not worthy of having such love. They fail to understand or incorporate the power of prayer, and they feel that what they’ve been given by past lovers is all they’ll ever experience with future lovers. I can’t do nothing for people who think like that, other than pray for them. But there’s so much power in patiently waiting for the right man/woman to be found by, or finding you!

Written by DeityNyota

November 13, 2012 at 2:42 pm

The Miss-Understanding of Submission

leave a comment »

I Don't Think This Is What God Means by Submission

I Don't Think This Is What God Means by Submission

I’m 33 years old, unwed and no children. Many people that I’ve talked too about my assumed ‘dihilma’ always make it a point to tell me that one of the reasons why I’ve yet to find a mate is because I don’t know how to submit myself unto a man. Many who know me know that I’ve kicked against this idea for years! There was even a time in my life when if you mentioned the word Submission or submit in the same sentence as marriage, I would be ready to knock your face off. But as I’ve grown older, and my rough edges have been smoothed by gods tools of experience, I decided to actaully research and get a better understanding of this mythical word that I gave too much power too.

When I would hear that word my teeth would grind. I would think of the nature of relationship shared between a child and his/her parent, of that of a trained beast unto its master. I did’t get that warm and fuzzy feeling like most church going women, because I didn’t believe that it meant I would be cared for, loved and cherished by a good man. For me I saw images of myself slaving over a hot stove, with kids hanging off my hip and a man knocking me upside my head because dinner wasn’t ready when he got home.

The reason why this image was a constant reoccurrence in my mind is because it was a triggered memory. This is what I saw in my home as a child watching my mother play ‘fetch and step’ to my father. And I promised myself that this was not the life I would live. If that’s what being submissive unto a man  had in store for me, I just wasn’t going to get married. I would have ‘friends’ while living the life I wanted to live child free.

But for some strange reason, its something about turning 30 that completely changes your mind about life and everything in it. And I don’t feel bad about mistakenly assuming this is what submission meant,  because I’m not the only woman who’s had the same thoughts.  Especially when referring to submission of a woman to her husband, because in our society we never hear people openly and honestly talk about submission for a husband unto his wife.

Desperate to find out if I’m just being stubborn or if I’m really a ‘man hater‘; I started doing some research. Mind you I was called that by a man who can’t keep a woman happy to save his life, but he can tell me what’s wrong with me. Its amazing how people can see your situtation clear than they see their own.

I found many blogs, Vblogs and articles that focus heavily on this issue; but the only thing I learned from these various sources of media is that

A. Everyone who has a camera that can record an upload video thinks they’re an investigative journalist. Especially if they have a few followers to their YouTube Channel or Facebook page.

B. Opinions really are just that, opinions, because everyone has one. Even the ex-commedians or radio personalities who’ve been divorced and remarried or have chosen to remain single (encouraging open relationship) who write books and screen plays that become best sellers amongst single black women. Why in the hell are we letting people who didn’t get it right in their marriage(s) tell us how to be happily married?

C. Everyone has their own interpretation of what the term submission means (and they all think they’re right).

I had to snicker to myself when I heard radio personality Michael Basiden pose the question to his female (dummies) followers why we’re able to submit ourselves unto our bosses at work, but not to our husbands at home 0_O? Now, I thought that these two people play different roles in the life of a woman. I guess I was under the mistaken impression that my boss is my boss; and that I just work for him so I have to listen to him to get a pay check. But when I come  home my husband is my husband. And that I should be able to seek refuge from my boss through the comfort and companionship I receive from my husband. But, it was good to hear Mr. Basiden say that, because it reminded me why I stopped listening to his show.

Disclaimer: The thoughts and views expressed on the Michael Basiden are those of Michael Basiden, and in no way reflect the over all thought process of all men world wide. I’m fully aware of the fact that Michael Basiden has been once married and divorced and does not speak for all men who’re seeking a wife and living happily married.

I soon grew tried of hearing the rants on Youtube and watching the pure vitriol being injected into the vains of anyone whom allowed themselves to be verbally consumed by hatred towards the opposite sex. So I decided to turn to the TD Jakes Relationship Bible. Flipping through the pages, I became excited at the thought of learning what the good Bishop has to say about my ‘condition’. He and Mrs. Jakes seems happy, so it can’t hurt to just give a shot.

I turn to a note in the book of Ephesians titled “A Word to Wives”; where the good Bishop breaks down how men and women are too relate too one another when dealing with such a sensitive and delicate issue for today’s modern woman of submission. Using words of humility and gods grace he sets my mind at ease while explaining to “me” how I should see my future husband in my life and in my marriage in relation to my role in our union.

“So Much Has Been Misunderstood”

Bishop states that so much has been misunderstood in regards to the manner in which men and women are to relate to one another and their roles in their marriage. Many of us understand that society and tradition tends to affect how one will relate too and with their assumed roles based upon gender; but there are some things in a union that go hand in hand with masculinity and femininity.

Todays woman doesn’t ‘need’ a man for survial. Lets be honest here, we don’t need a man to hunt for food any more. We don’t need a man to ‘bring home the bacon’ and we don’t need a man to fix everything for us. But!! Most of us do desire, and are waiting patiently on a husband (not just a man) that will have no problems providing, who’ll be willing to ‘bring home the bacon’ and fix everything when needed. In fact men who’re seeking to be a husband (are who currently are husbands) want to assume the role of provider, ‘hunter’ and handy man. And they’re seeking a wife who’ll allow them to live as such. But for some strange reason, these needs and desires are being mis-communicted between men and women who’re seeking partnership with a future spouse. Based upon everyones misconception (or individual interpretation) of acceptable submission.

Side note to my single sisters: I just want to say that there’s nothing wrong with being single while waiting on your husband. Don’t let any body make you feel bad about not having ‘a man’ or like you’re experiencing a major malfunction in  your life because you’re not someone’s arm piece. Any woman can have ‘a man’; but you should desire  more in your union than just having ‘a man’ who’ll use you emotionally, physically, and financially.

YOU as a woman who should hold yourself at a  higher regard, understanding that with all the worldly temptation we face in our environment daily, it takes a strong woman of faith (a Proverbs woman) to WAIT patiently for her husband to find her. I believe that a woman is a ‘wife’ before she’s married; meaning she conducts herself as if she’s already taken. This is what attracts a man to you and makes him desire to make you his wife; not his ‘wifey’, ‘side-line’, jump-off or dime peace.

Keep in mind that your ‘parts’ are no different than any other woman’s out there; so a good ‘cookie’ will not keep your a man in your life (he can get that any where). Its how you love him and most importantly love yourself that keeps him.

To my Single brothers: A woman can be fine enough to get married, yet lack the ‘tools’ necessary to be a wife. A fine woman with a ring on her finger, (but doesn’t conduct herself as a wife) is nothing more than a woman with a ring on her finger; not your wife. Be very careful who you bed, who has your children, and who you allow to bear your last name.

Sorry for straying off topic

We as women, regardless of our occupations, what we own, or our annual take home pay still desire (still need)  a husbands covering. We want a man who’ll protect us, love, care for and cherish us as his wife. A man who finds a wife finds a good thing, and many of us who’re single are ‘good things’; its just that many of us don’t know it yet.

We’re still too busy harshly judging ourselves for our past transgressions, or we’re finding it difficult to let go of past hurt that it makes it hard for many of us to submit unto a man for fear of being vulnerable again. Many women feel that being submissive to our husband means we relinquish all control of our lives, our bodies, and our hard earned money over too a man whom we’re not even sure if he’ll still be here with us tomorrow much less 15 to 20 years from now. That’s how it was in the past. women depended upon men for survival and we saw how well that went for most women of these times. So I want men to understand how hard it is for a woman to openly admit that we’ll “obey” one man other than our fathers (the one in the flesh and the one is spirit) after all the other men we’ve known didn’t deserve our respect much less our will to submit unto him.

No, its not a good reason to find it impossible to totally submit unto a future  husband, but it is a reason none the less. And most of our unwillingness to submit unto our husband is no different that the unwillingness of most men to be faithful to one woman, after having experienced heartbreak from the woman he’s loved in his past. The moral to this story is…..we all have bags.

We (meaning most women) don’t understand that having a loving husband means we can let our guard down; because most of us have never experienced that before. Many of us have never had a man that was a ‘safe place’ for us to relax and reside in a calm and secure environment with. So many of us have only known men that we’ve had to stay on the defensive with, protecting and controlling our own interest. All the while missing out on the blessing of having a husband (not just ‘a man’) that wants nothing more in this world than to protect us, cover us with his love and compassion.

People Only Hear What They want to Hear

The Apostle Paul wrote

“Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church”.

People take this small sliver of scripture to literally mean that a woman is to completely and total give all control of herself over to a man and that’s it! Some men and women don’t even read anything else after than portion of the scripture so when you ask them what comes next they get this look on their face O_O. To me that reaction with itself demonstrates that they’re just repeating what someone else told them in relations to this scripture; which explains the inability to regurgitate the rest of the scritpure that states:

“There fore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husband in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of the water by the word. That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and with out blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself” (Ephesians 5:22-28). 

This is my interpretation of this portion of scripture, and all theologians are welcome to correct me if I’m wrong. If you love yourself as a man, you should love your wife the same. You wouldn’t do anything to physically, emotionally, mentally or psychologically harm yourself; there for you must not do  either of these things to your wife. Any man who desires to be a husband or who currently is a husband should be just as respectful and loving of his wive as he is towards the body of Christ and himself.

I feel that this is why women should seek to have their hand taken by a man that incorporate these same values into his relationship with the women in his life (i.e. mother, sisters, aunts, etc) because that’s a clear sign of how he’ll treat you. In my opinion a woman must find a man who has respect for women over all, I think this demonstrates the characteristics of a Proverbs man who will rejoice in the ‘rubies and gems’ brought forward from a woman with a virtuous soul; meaning she bears an intense love, honor and respect for him that creates a bond between the two that can withstand the ‘heat’ and pressure of worldly distractions. 

Contextual Mis-Represntation

The first half of this scripture is always taken out of context by folks who’re so spiritual that they think they speak for God himself. Overly religious, 24/7 spiritual folks whom have Gods direct line tied up so he can talk to them only. Or, you’ll find the folks who’ll take Scripture and twist it to suit their own means. Example the people who hid behind religion and its ‘laws’, using it as a shield when finding justification in their wrong doings.

This is where you ladies have to steer clear of the insecure men who always want to ‘put their foot down’ and show you who’s boss in the relationship/marriage. That’s a sign of an insecure man!

LADIES, please steer clear of men whom always have to remind you that they’re the men in the relationship/marriage and what they say goes. A relationship/marriage is not a dictatorship! Headship is not intended to be used by a man to dominate or rule like a stark mad, monarch. A man must seek the honor of having the privilege of being granted a woman’s trust and confidence in his ability to care for the needs and interest of the  household. Men who conduct themselves in such a manner are men whom feel they’re inadequate in comparison to other men, and will do everything in their physical power to assert their dominance over you!

RUN from a man who always want to remind you what your place is and keep you in check, in most cases its not anything your doing wrong, its his insecurities within himself holding you back. And that’s not god-like if you ask me.

In closing, as a woman, I (we) have many unique contributions to birth into this world and into our unions with virtuous men. You should not allow anyone to suppress your will and God’s purpose for you in life for the sake of being able to say that you have ‘a man’ and not a husband. Being subject to your husband (not just ‘a man) as being subject to your lord does not mean that a man should make you his doormat. And if you feel as if your future or current husband is wiping his feat on you, then its time for you to re-evaluate who it is exactly that you’ve submitted yourself unto.

Not every man can be a leader (much less lead), many men don’t understand that in order to be an effective leader one must know how to follow. There will be aspects in your union where he will lead (knowledge and experience wise) and there will be aspects in life where you will lead. But its not increasing your stewardship over him, nor his over you in either case. For where he is weak, he’s made strong through you.

Thus not every man is worthy of being submitted unto. As a mans wife, “we” are to be respected the same as he is, and should demand it! But you have to be willing to render the same respect unto him as you demand he render onto you. Love is a compromise (a give and take) where a couple must meet one another in the middle. And trust me when I say I’ve learned that it won’t always be easy.

And I think this is where a lot of women go wrong in their unions (at least its where I’ve gone wrong in my past); we’re so busy being so scared that their husband will be disrespectful  or act out as the men in our past have that we feel we’ve got to ensure he knows we’re not having that. And this is where the conflicts from your past show up and show out in your here and now. Please understand ladies that we can drive a man way from us with that attitude. A man doesn’t leave you per say, he leaves the environment in which you create for him to reside in. He does NOT want to be your husband and your psychiatrist, sorting through the past bags you refuse to drop.

Unlike women, a man can love you and not be with you; Trust me on this one, I’m speaking from experience.

Marriage and the Black Woman

with 2 comments

Black Women can (and do) find love, they just have to accept it in its rarest form..diversity.

I was little perturbed if you will at comments being made on a Facebook blog that I frequent from time to time. When directly addressing to some of the black women present in regards to the attitudes that men in other countries demonstrate towards American born black women, I was meet with some serious resistance. I made the mistake of making it known that I find it amazing how men (or people if you will) outside the U.S. tend to be more open and willing to getting to know black women who’re born here in the U.S., for who they are as individuals; free of judgment based upon stereotypes and negative imagery (no thanks to some of our own people).

Needless to say, the conversation became very heated when a borage of various black men in company began to make some unnecessarily vulgar, and negative comments that where seriously emotionally driven

Side Note: Men are just as emotional as women! Just FYI

These ‘men’ who’re possibly boys who can shave, charged me with being guilty of allowing ‘the man’ to brain wash me into the Willie Lynch syndrome; explaining that I’d turned my back on black men and the black race over all by demonstrating such view points. To them, I was some how making myself vulnerable and available to the sexual pleasures of white men while seeking to carry out a slave and master role play, linked to a deeply hidden type of sexual fantasy of mine 0_o? Where they arrived to that conclusion by me stating that I love MEN over all and not just black men I don’t know; but it was interested to watch them build their case based upon what they assumed to be ‘known’ facts about me and black women whom think like myself.

These black men claimed that black women who share the same sentiments as I are nothing but mere ‘pets’ for play at the whelm of white men who suffer from a need to satisfy a sweet-tooth for chocolate. They then resorted to calling me out my name and telling me that I’m the type of black woman who would never find happiness with a black man (or no black man would want me); while one brother took it to the extreme by advocating a future gang rape.

And I quote

“A group of about 12 brotha’s, need to get together, paint their faces white and go to town your stupid ass, because black women like you give all black women a bad name! You’re a disgrace and you deserve to have them just run up in you, the same way white men rapped black women for years.”

I can not make this ish up; these where his words.

Now, I clearly understand that there are psychos out there who do not speak for everyone within the African American community; but his hate filled sentiments spoke volumes of the mentality that many within African American community share when it comes to black women and inter-racial dating and marriage. Mind you, he’s not the first Blackman I’ve heard speak passionate animosity towards any black woman who dare to seek true love beyond the boundaries of race. I’ve even heard my father make these same comments on occasion when demonstrating disgust towards any black woman who chose to date or marry a non-black man. Yet, he encouraged this type of union for black men. In his mind, this was the black mans way of getting back at ‘the man’ for many years of rape and enslavement.

Violence Towards Inter-racial Couples is advocated

A group of black men cheered on one blog, where the tragic story of a young Marine and his wife where murder by fellow Marines sometime back. The slain Marine was White and his wife was black. And a group of four Black Marines felt it was their duty to kill the White Marine, later rapping and killing his Black Wife; based upon their views of her inter-racial marriage. I was not only shocked, but also shamed when I saw some of the things that some black and white men where saying about the murdered victims.

http://articles.nydailynews.com/2008-11-05/news/17909857_1_four-other-marines-military-base-sergeant

But this ignorance seems to breed life into an air of arrogance and acceptance within the African American Community of inter-racial dating/marriage when it comes to black men; while continually creating negative stigma toward black women when choosing to explore the very same options. I find that black women who’re open to such unthinkable epiphanies are met with ridicule, hostility, anger, resentment, and even violence from those whom fail to see the beauty in the diversity of true love.  Any black woman who’s brave enough to see love through a pair of ‘color free’ goggles can face a number of issues that range from (but are not limited too)

1.Becoming an outcast from the family

  1. Placing herself and her lover at risk of verbal and physical assault (God  forbid if they have children)
  2. Losing so-called ‘friends’
  3. Being ostracized by narrow-minded individuals within her community

These are just a few of the factors that make many black women feel as if they must stay within the confinements of their ethnicity. Yet experiencing a false sense of victim hood when waiting for a black lover. Many black women feel as if they’re being placed upon the ‘back burner’ as my mother use to say when hearing many black men make it official that they chose to never date, nor marry a black woman.

A black Woman’s “Duty” to stay True

Black women are being made to feel as if it is their duty to stay committed to black men and black men only. And because many black women feel this unyielding need to be faithful to black men, they’re enraged at the thought of black men choosing to love or start a family with women of various ethnicities based upon skin. Now, I myself can’t stand when I see these black athletes raise to fame and talk ish about all black women. Its become a pre-requisite for famous black men to confess to the world how he’ll never date or marry a black woman. Making many black women feel as though they’re ‘standing in line’ waiting for their turn to assume their rightful place at the side of a black King.

But I’m not going to get mad at a black man (or all black men in general) who choses to marry someone he loves, free of the fear that inhibits many black women from doing the same thing. Black women are no more bound to dating or marring someone who’s the same ethnicity as themselves no more than anyone else walking the face of this earth. But black women seem to be the most vocal when expressing anger and mistrust for black men whom have the courage to love who they love.

Basically, black men are being taught to explore their options for a potential mate, while black women are being taught to stay faithful. And because black men and women are receiving two different lessons in life and love, its causing black men to move on and find love with women whom don’t look like their mother, and black women to feel this sense of self-worthlessness, based upon the fact that black men are doing what ever (or whom ever) they please.

Black on Black Discrimination

Black women feel that black men are discriminating against black women, simply because they’re black; thus leaving black women to foolishly believe that they’re being left at a disadvantage when it comes to marriage and family life.  But one must ask themselves

Are black women choosing to do so because they’re madly in love with black men?

Or

Do black women feel so strongly about being with black men only, because they fear the repercussions they may face from being with someone of another persuasion?

Double Standards? Perhaps…

There’s an unspoken double standard when it comes to crossing the color lines in search of love, for black women.   Black women are being sub-consciously forced (through early childhood brainwashing) to stay ‘true’ to black men. They’re receiving this nation wide, broadcast PSA that states a black woman’s main lot in life is to grow up, get married, and have children with a godly black man. This is why black women reach their adult years seeking this mythical man based on what they’ve been told they’re destined to achieve if they’re ‘godly’ proverbs women. What most black women fail to realize is that they’re honestly falling in lines with the ideologies of yester year, being preached by a generation of African Americans who where taught stay true to their own kind.

And because black men are finding the courage to love who they love, regardless of what anyone else thinks, black women are buying into the myth that there are “No good, godly black men” left for them to chose from. When in all actually, there are plenty of good men, or godly men to go around; they’re just not the ideal men that many of these black women are subconsciously seeking.

Good Men Are Available my Sisters, Really, they are!

There are plenty of ‘good men’ out there. These good men are of various ethnicities and social, economical classes, they follow a variant of religious customs and traditions, and they can be found worldwide.  Its just that many of them may not pray to the same deities, they may not have the same color skin, make the same amount of money, and they may possibly not even speak the same language. But they’re good men none the less. Men who’re every bit capable of loving black women unconditionally, in the same manner as the black men they’re taught to seek.

Once you Go Black….

Another reasons why black women tend to experience difficulty in finding love outside the bounds of color restrictions is that its assumed that all black women are ‘infatuated’ with (ehem) the black magic stick. Some Black women are foolish enough to become spellbound to these majestically myth that all black men have a gifted 3rd appendage. Now, granted, there are some black men whom have the tools to get the job done and then some. But not all black men are ‘blessed’ in that department. To be honest, some black men come up short, but that’s neither here nor there. Nonetheless, there are men in general who’re large, medium and small. It just all depends upon individual genetics.

In closing, I just hope that some day, black women whom feel they’re being left behind our ineligible for love one day find the courage needed to accept love when it finds them. Regardless of the shape, color, religion, or ethnicity of the man who demonstrates this love for them. People will always have something to say, but black women need to ask themselves if what other people say or think of the love they’ve found in a ‘good man’ really matters?

Dating Black Men! Is It Even Possible? (Part 1)

leave a comment »

I'll have "cream" in my coffee 😉

I had a brief conversation with some friends a few days ago, about some of my past relationships. Of course the topic was about why I’m still single, which seems to be the story of my life when ever marriage is introduced as a topic of discussion.

Any-who!

One of my guy friends was under the impression that I’m the type of black woman who refuses to broaden my horizons and date men who’re not black.  He assumed that I’m one of the black women who loudly profess in public when seeing an inter-racial couple about how I’m ‘standing in line’ waiting for a “good” black man; and that I’m tried of seeing white women steel what’s rightfully ours. In other words, he was stereotyping me. In which I had to quickly put him in his place and explain to him a few things about me that he doesn’t know.

A. I have and do date men of various ethnicities (not race, because we’re all one race, and that’s human). I find it more exciting to get to know a man who’s native language and  homeland is different from mine, so that I may learn more about his heritage and language. Not to mention the fact that it sort of spices things up in the bedroom when trying new things with someone (something) different.

B. I don’t feel as if I own the “deeds” to the prime real-estate of a black mans personal/physical being. Black men are free to chose to date/marry/start a family with whom ever they see fit. The same as I and any other black women who choses to follow suit.

C. I stand in line to get my degree, get my car serviced, purchase goods, and pay for clothing, but I WILL NOT stand in line and wait for man. If anything I’ll ‘step outta line’ and go live life and allow my future husband to find me.

Now, since we got that out in the open and clearly understood.

Once we  where back on topic and I addressed his ignorance in a dignified manner (being the Southern Bell that I am).  I explained to my friends that I feel some of the reasons I’m still single is that its difficult for me personally to encounter a man (in most cases a black man) who doesn’t fell intimidated by my education, success, or goals and aspirations. And I know, some of you reading this may say that this sounds like the typical Angry Black woman rant, but let me explain.

I know not all black men fear an edcuated black woman

Brothas! I know not all of you have this unspoken rule that has been secretly appended to the ‘man code’ that forbids you from dating, marrying or starting a family with a woman who has a degree. I understand that some women tend to become more prideful of their titles (BA, MBA, PhD and DR) than they are their abilities to show love and compassion towards a man and children. And I clearly understand that some women get besides themselves and wear their ass on their shoulders when working in corporate America. In which I can agree with many of you that this is a turn off. What you own, what you can buy, how you look, or how much money you have in the bank means sh!t if you’re piss poor morally. And that goes for both men and women.

BUT! Some men (mainly black men) automatically disqualify me from being a potential girlfriend, wife, mother to their children; based heavily upon the fact that I’m educated and work in corporate America. They feel that I’ll spend more time and focus on career advancement, and making money than I will taking care of him, our family and our household. And I’ve had some black men tell me this to my face when they find what I do for a living or assume they know how much I make annually. Most of them who fail to see past my career and education and see me for me, in most cases are BLACK MEN! Men of various other races see my education as a plus and start to engage in conversation about their career goals, or my even my business ownership. Many black men I’ve met in passing tend to shy away from those topics and me over all.

I’m Natural

I’ve been officially weave and chemical free for about a year. I rock the Puff with the Afro pick and black fist. Black men see this, and feel that I’m a black panther, Angela Davis militant who’s down for the cause; ready to mother the revolution. Or they feel I’m a Black Power feminist, and refuse to get to know me for me. But, they’ll pass me up and hit on the hood-rat chicken head sitting next to me at the bar. Go figure

Black men Feel ‘We’ are wearing the pants (are at least we’re trying too)

I’ve found that a lot of black men feel that there’s the ‘shift’ in power when it comes to roles in relationships. Some black men feel that black women have become too independent, too ‘manly’ and refuse to play our roles and know our place. And I’ve been told by black men, that as a career woman, I wouldn’t know what my roles are in a relationship or marriage, thus I lack the knowledge to please a man. Which to them deems me unworthy of wearing the title wife, because they feel I wouldn’t take care of them the way they saw ‘big mama’ take care of grandpa, yet most of them where raised by single black women who took care of them. Black men feel that black women are trying to wear the pants and be the providers, caretakes, and heads of the household because

1. We make too much money

2. We’re too power hungry

3. We’re superficial

4. We want to take control

5. We’re more into titles  and degrees

I had to stop listening to radio personality Michael Basiden, because for a while all most all of his dam show topics was about how black women don’t know how to let me lead. And after a while you get sick and tired of hearing the same mess being regurgitated by black men who fail to stay successfully married to one woman, or who find it difficult to experience happiness in a committed relationship. IF he had all the answers to what makes a happy, and healthy marriage, his ass would still be married.

But enough of  that, that’s part two of this posting.

I’ve found in my past relationships, some of the most difficult one’s I was engaged in (that failed) was with black men whom felt I wasn’t doing my ‘womanly duties’ by proving to him that I was worthy of being his wife. In other words, I wasn’t allowing him to ‘get the milk’ with out paying for the cow. Most black men want a woman who’ll carry out all the choirs of what’s assumed to be ‘wifely duties’ (i.e. cook and clean, have sex when he desires, wash his dirty draws) with out pressuring them for a ring. Meaning, he wants a woman who’s stupid enough to do all the things that many assumed to be limited to a wife, with out him feeling tied to you legally. This way he gets a glimpse of what’s to come IF he ever decides to marry you, while still leaving himself open for Beyonce. So, he’s not married, but he has the benefits of having a submissive, feminine wife with out being legally bound to one woman. And when Beyounce say ‘Yes’ to his marriage proposal he can drop my ass like chicken fresh out of hot grease.

I don’t think so (that’s part two of this posting)

They Don’t wanna put in work

Some! Black men don’t want a woman who makes them work for what she’s got. Some! black men claim to want the women who’re wholesome, who’re not lose and morally standing, yet when they find that they still mess with the women who give it up easy. They want the women who’ll play house, while letting them be ‘the man’ in the relationship; but don’t want to make it right and put a ring on it. Unless she’s a dime piece. But then they get scared that she’ll lose her looks and figure after she gets married and has kids, so they figure they’ll keep her on the back burner while keeping a look out for that email from Beyonce.

I personally have found that when I’ve dated men who where not black, I honestly had none of these issues. WE had issues, but it was more along the lines of trying to figure out how we could keep in contact with me being deployed (or him being deployed) while active duty Navy. Or, we had issues with cultural differences, but never an issue with my level of education, if I was going to wash his clothes, or if I understood how to let a man be a man and lead me.

I was never made to feel as if my accomplishments where small in comparison to his, a negative trait that would  keep me single, or that I was too independent; much less feeling the need to question my femininity if I’m not in the kitchen or the bedroom. But I have dealt with these issues when dating black men. The two most difficult relationships I’ve had was with black men. And I use to think that it was something in me choosing these types of men, since the saying goes you are what you attract. But I don’t know if this is the case any more. I’m about a half inch closer to giving upon being married and starting a family with a black man, because I wonder if this is what life with a black man will be like…