DeityNyota

For Those Who Go Beyond Boundaries

Posts Tagged ‘Relationships

When Being Freaky is Being Plain Greedy

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Image I happend to run across this posting on a friends Facebook page that I frequent and stir the pot of controversy in from time to time.  The posting read

“I’m a 39 year old black man who’s so much in love with my wife… But at the same time I’m real freak…I have fantasize about having a threesome…how do I go about telling her.”

Keeping it PG here, he explained that she’s no longer providing the ‘spark’ that he’d once experienced upon meeting her many years back; and that he was contemplating adding an ‘additional member‘ to his team. In his mind, he felt that this would bring forward a newness of passion that would provide excitement to a rather dull love life. But, the new team member could only be coached by him! Since he was the team hitter, no one else (no other man) could step up to the plate and take a swing at his wife. “that’s me and mines” he proudly stated.

Here’s my take on this whole issue that men face when dealing with desires of new flesh.

I had to explain to him that its quite possible that he’s not the only one who’s think about a new member if that area of his marriage is lacking. Trust and believe there are times that his wife deals with pleasing him while sacrificing her own needs (and possibly thinking about something new). And I assured him (as well as many other men that’ve had this conversation with) that his spouse may not feel that his performance is all that great either. Thus she’s putting the same efforts into these lack luster sessions as he is. You get what you give. When ever your spouse feels that being with you becomes a duty, he/she will no longer feel a desire for intimacy. Because now it becomes one of those chores that we must do but really lack the time, patience or energy to complete.

You’ll experience this lack when YOU as their spouse fail to continue to do the same things you did to get them, as a means of keeping them. Drafting a new member to your husband and wife team does nothing but add complications to a situation involving two people who’s business should be kept amongst themselves. The bedroom is the sanctuary of a married couples love; that’s designed to nurture the intimacy they share between one another, contained within the vows they took before God unto each other. Their flesh has become one. And the last thing anyone (man or woman) should want to do is bring forward someone who’s values for love and intimacy may not be the same as yours, or that may bring added drama into your union.

I personally can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would want someone else to view first hand the dysfunction between them and their spouse? The most intimate details that should shared between the woman/man in which you’ve formed a covenant before God should be taken before God, not “Sugar” the shake dancer.

But I found it funny how he loved his wife so much; and she was everything he ever wanted in a woman; but he was unwilling to ensure that she was just as satisfied as he wanted to be. He couldn’t see how selfish he was in his desire for new flesh; using the cop-out that its in his nature as a man to want more than one lover. This ‘desire’ which is really greed was causing him to have a mental block, that was hindering his ability to see the sensuality in his wife. His self-proclaimed ‘freakiness’ was nothing more than a selfish justification to satisfy his lust for another woman. Because I’m sure he’s already got the woman he wants to introduce to his wife picked out. If he hasn’t already slept with her.

After an exchange of opinions, he finally admitted that he simply really wanted to leave his wife for another woman. Which is a classic case of someone thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.

The Top Twelve Reasons Why So Many Good Black Men Are Still Single (Just a hint, Its Black Women)

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Black_Man

 

I love reading articals such as this one. Because it further demonstrates to me that ‘we’ as a people really need to wake up, and stop playing the blame game.

So, just a basic synopsis, it all boils down to the pits falls of black women according to this article.

(http://www.afro.com/sections/news/afro_briefs/story.htm?storyid=72903#.UfahrestofM.twitter)

Black Women, (according to this article) are the top 12 reasons why so many (good) black men are still single.
Never mind the possibility that maybe (just maybe) some black men still have unresolved issues with past relationships that are hindering their ability to engage in happy and healthy relationships with “good women” in their present. Because its a myth that some black men cheat on, misuse and/or abuse women; due to a fear of experiencing re-occuring hurt. Dismiss that, because its all a ploy by ‘the man’ to destroy the image of black men.

There’s no chance that some black men may also be superficial. Spending more time looking for the women who look like Miss. Black America while lacking the ability to get to know her for who she is (beyond her sex and what she looks like).

And there’s no way that some black men (or men in general) have a negative view of all women (womanizers); and it doesn’t matter her skin, looks, or levels of education; he’s just resentful towards the female gender period. And last I checked, its nearly impossible to engage in a healthy relationship with the people you deem to be your enemy. Trust me when I say I’ve meet a few brothers like this in my time.

It all boils down to the fact that black women fail to realize the worth of a black man. We’re superficial, materialistic, indecisive, have unrealistic expectations and don’t know what a good man looks like when they see one. Thus, the continued perpetual ‘blame game’ that black men and women willingly engage in, while conveniently absolving one’s self of all responsibility for how ‘we’ as individuals contribute to the dysfunction in our unions with the opposite sex.

This is no different than a scored woman blaming her broken past with men on the ageless excuses that ‘all men are dogs’; even though she keeps choosing ‘dogs’ because she believes that’s what she deserves. The people that any man or woman choses to engage in a relationship with is a reflection of how these individuals see themselves. And if you continue to get with people who only like you when you have money, when you’re having sex or when you look good, then you value yourself as being nothing more than the physical tangibles that can and will change with time. Or, you chose people who’ll treat you with the little worth and respect that you limit yourself too.

I PERSONALLY feel that the major sticking points in this article should resolve to the fact that its all about one’s choices in life. And these choices are honestly (to me) not gender specific. Because no two women or men are the same; so the blanket generalizations and stenotypes do not apply to all situations. WE (men and women) have all been over looked by a potential mate at some point in time in our lives. But to say that black women (or black men for that matter) is the reason why an individual whom society deems as being ‘good’ or a good catch is single is preposterous!

Sometimes “WE” think we’re good; but there are people and past lovers who’ll beg to differ. People see things within us that we don’t see in ourselves; and if we’re unable/unwilling to acknowledge the positives and negatives of our personality traits and habits, that too can lead one to live a single life.

Not to mention not being willing to compromise of one’s views of gender roles (traditional vs. modern), possible hang ups with religious beliefs (if any) and even an inability to see the opposite sex as being equal in value or worth (i.e. women aren’t as smart as men, or don’t contribute to society on the same level as men); these are all hang ups that some men have that I feel are worth mentioning in this article.

Lets not forget about this culture of being unfaithful. Before you become enraged, I’m not saying that ALL black men can’t be faithful to one woman. But there’s this social falsehood influencing SOME men that being faithful to one woman is not in a man’s nature.  I beg to differ with that; because no matter how many women a man beds, there will always be one woman that remains his true love. And if your heart is with this one woman, but you fail to acknowledge or accept her as being the woman meant to be your wife; this too can leave you single. You’ll waste time seeking completion in empty women (the loose women you chase after) due to the fact that you’re pride won’t allow you to admit and accept the fact that you’ve honestly already found what you’re missing in the woman you continue to reject (for fear commitment).

But, for the author and those who’re in agreement, it all comes down to none other than the misguided, superficial, untrustworthy, scorned and resentfully bitter black woman. The ‘bed winches’ of slave owners, who’re brainwashed by a society that rejects black love and keeps us divided.

And black men themselves have very little to do with their singleness.

I love it! Its like saying, I burn my self repeatedly, but its my mothers fault that I refuse to take my hand off the stove top burner.

How convenient it is to blame other people for where “we” as individuals fall short.

Dating Black Men! Is It Even Possible? (Part 1)

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I'll have "cream" in my coffee 😉

I had a brief conversation with some friends a few days ago, about some of my past relationships. Of course the topic was about why I’m still single, which seems to be the story of my life when ever marriage is introduced as a topic of discussion.

Any-who!

One of my guy friends was under the impression that I’m the type of black woman who refuses to broaden my horizons and date men who’re not black.  He assumed that I’m one of the black women who loudly profess in public when seeing an inter-racial couple about how I’m ‘standing in line’ waiting for a “good” black man; and that I’m tried of seeing white women steel what’s rightfully ours. In other words, he was stereotyping me. In which I had to quickly put him in his place and explain to him a few things about me that he doesn’t know.

A. I have and do date men of various ethnicities (not race, because we’re all one race, and that’s human). I find it more exciting to get to know a man who’s native language and  homeland is different from mine, so that I may learn more about his heritage and language. Not to mention the fact that it sort of spices things up in the bedroom when trying new things with someone (something) different.

B. I don’t feel as if I own the “deeds” to the prime real-estate of a black mans personal/physical being. Black men are free to chose to date/marry/start a family with whom ever they see fit. The same as I and any other black women who choses to follow suit.

C. I stand in line to get my degree, get my car serviced, purchase goods, and pay for clothing, but I WILL NOT stand in line and wait for man. If anything I’ll ‘step outta line’ and go live life and allow my future husband to find me.

Now, since we got that out in the open and clearly understood.

Once we  where back on topic and I addressed his ignorance in a dignified manner (being the Southern Bell that I am).  I explained to my friends that I feel some of the reasons I’m still single is that its difficult for me personally to encounter a man (in most cases a black man) who doesn’t fell intimidated by my education, success, or goals and aspirations. And I know, some of you reading this may say that this sounds like the typical Angry Black woman rant, but let me explain.

I know not all black men fear an edcuated black woman

Brothas! I know not all of you have this unspoken rule that has been secretly appended to the ‘man code’ that forbids you from dating, marrying or starting a family with a woman who has a degree. I understand that some women tend to become more prideful of their titles (BA, MBA, PhD and DR) than they are their abilities to show love and compassion towards a man and children. And I clearly understand that some women get besides themselves and wear their ass on their shoulders when working in corporate America. In which I can agree with many of you that this is a turn off. What you own, what you can buy, how you look, or how much money you have in the bank means sh!t if you’re piss poor morally. And that goes for both men and women.

BUT! Some men (mainly black men) automatically disqualify me from being a potential girlfriend, wife, mother to their children; based heavily upon the fact that I’m educated and work in corporate America. They feel that I’ll spend more time and focus on career advancement, and making money than I will taking care of him, our family and our household. And I’ve had some black men tell me this to my face when they find what I do for a living or assume they know how much I make annually. Most of them who fail to see past my career and education and see me for me, in most cases are BLACK MEN! Men of various other races see my education as a plus and start to engage in conversation about their career goals, or my even my business ownership. Many black men I’ve met in passing tend to shy away from those topics and me over all.

I’m Natural

I’ve been officially weave and chemical free for about a year. I rock the Puff with the Afro pick and black fist. Black men see this, and feel that I’m a black panther, Angela Davis militant who’s down for the cause; ready to mother the revolution. Or they feel I’m a Black Power feminist, and refuse to get to know me for me. But, they’ll pass me up and hit on the hood-rat chicken head sitting next to me at the bar. Go figure

Black men Feel ‘We’ are wearing the pants (are at least we’re trying too)

I’ve found that a lot of black men feel that there’s the ‘shift’ in power when it comes to roles in relationships. Some black men feel that black women have become too independent, too ‘manly’ and refuse to play our roles and know our place. And I’ve been told by black men, that as a career woman, I wouldn’t know what my roles are in a relationship or marriage, thus I lack the knowledge to please a man. Which to them deems me unworthy of wearing the title wife, because they feel I wouldn’t take care of them the way they saw ‘big mama’ take care of grandpa, yet most of them where raised by single black women who took care of them. Black men feel that black women are trying to wear the pants and be the providers, caretakes, and heads of the household because

1. We make too much money

2. We’re too power hungry

3. We’re superficial

4. We want to take control

5. We’re more into titles  and degrees

I had to stop listening to radio personality Michael Basiden, because for a while all most all of his dam show topics was about how black women don’t know how to let me lead. And after a while you get sick and tired of hearing the same mess being regurgitated by black men who fail to stay successfully married to one woman, or who find it difficult to experience happiness in a committed relationship. IF he had all the answers to what makes a happy, and healthy marriage, his ass would still be married.

But enough of  that, that’s part two of this posting.

I’ve found in my past relationships, some of the most difficult one’s I was engaged in (that failed) was with black men whom felt I wasn’t doing my ‘womanly duties’ by proving to him that I was worthy of being his wife. In other words, I wasn’t allowing him to ‘get the milk’ with out paying for the cow. Most black men want a woman who’ll carry out all the choirs of what’s assumed to be ‘wifely duties’ (i.e. cook and clean, have sex when he desires, wash his dirty draws) with out pressuring them for a ring. Meaning, he wants a woman who’s stupid enough to do all the things that many assumed to be limited to a wife, with out him feeling tied to you legally. This way he gets a glimpse of what’s to come IF he ever decides to marry you, while still leaving himself open for Beyonce. So, he’s not married, but he has the benefits of having a submissive, feminine wife with out being legally bound to one woman. And when Beyounce say ‘Yes’ to his marriage proposal he can drop my ass like chicken fresh out of hot grease.

I don’t think so (that’s part two of this posting)

They Don’t wanna put in work

Some! Black men don’t want a woman who makes them work for what she’s got. Some! black men claim to want the women who’re wholesome, who’re not lose and morally standing, yet when they find that they still mess with the women who give it up easy. They want the women who’ll play house, while letting them be ‘the man’ in the relationship; but don’t want to make it right and put a ring on it. Unless she’s a dime piece. But then they get scared that she’ll lose her looks and figure after she gets married and has kids, so they figure they’ll keep her on the back burner while keeping a look out for that email from Beyonce.

I personally have found that when I’ve dated men who where not black, I honestly had none of these issues. WE had issues, but it was more along the lines of trying to figure out how we could keep in contact with me being deployed (or him being deployed) while active duty Navy. Or, we had issues with cultural differences, but never an issue with my level of education, if I was going to wash his clothes, or if I understood how to let a man be a man and lead me.

I was never made to feel as if my accomplishments where small in comparison to his, a negative trait that would  keep me single, or that I was too independent; much less feeling the need to question my femininity if I’m not in the kitchen or the bedroom. But I have dealt with these issues when dating black men. The two most difficult relationships I’ve had was with black men. And I use to think that it was something in me choosing these types of men, since the saying goes you are what you attract. But I don’t know if this is the case any more. I’m about a half inch closer to giving upon being married and starting a family with a black man, because I wonder if this is what life with a black man will be like…

The Gender Roles of Yester-Year

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September 1, 2010 marked my 32nd birthday. 32 years of being blessed, and able bodied to walk the face of this earth and accomplish many great things (in which I have).

I’ve served in the military for 10 years, I’m a supervisor at my current place of employment, I pay my own bills, enrolled in school full-time, a clean bill of health, financially stable. I would say I have more than most whom wish they where walking in my shoes.

But for some strange unexplainable reasons, I’m single! 0_o?

So many black women like myself are experiencing the same dilemma. We have all the chips in place (good job, education, financial stability, business and home owners, clean, well-kept, attractive and godly in most instances) yet we’re experiencing great difficulty wearing the title “Mrs”.

No husband, no children, just me, myself and I. Now, before I go out and purchase a ‘cat lady’ starter kit from the local ASPCA, I decided that it was time I do some self-evaluation; because I can only blame the media and society for what’s wrong with “me” as an individual for so long.  But I needed to get to the root of my own personal issues and find out why I and the many women like myself have yet to wed; as well as what I can do to change these ‘issues’ to make myself available for marriage.I know marriage is not the know all, end all to happiness; I’m going to be honest if a woman is not happy with herself, then she won’t be happy with man. But I’m lonely! And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

“Things are not the Same as When Mom‘s and Pop’s Hopped the Broom”

I keep hearing all this talk about how marriage was ‘back in the day’; and how when folks got married they married for better for worst. assuming that generations past took their wedding vows more serious than that of people to date. This may be true for many people, but something that I’ve personally find with many people in my life who’re married is that the family dynamics of today is not the same as it was 50 years past. In those days; men where the bread winners,  plain and simple. They went to work (mostly labor jobs), worked hard, bought home the bacon and assumed the role as head of the household. 

Daughters were taught how to be women. Most of us who grew up in my mothers day learned how to cook and clean, how to rear children and the importance of caring for a family. And they were taught find a man who could provide for them and their children.

Young men were groomed to be providers. Responsible community leaders, educated wise men who worked hard, and where self-reliant. Women knew their roles and men knew theirs. And there was very little to no ‘bluring’ between the lines.

Many would say the Feminist movement shattered these gender (exceptions) roles and have endanger the sanctity of the institute of marriage. I’ve heard many from the older generation state that Feminist have single-handedly ’emasculated’ men and have remade them into the more ‘kinder-genteler’ verson of  what constitutes a man. Givinf women and unfair advantage over men in work-force advancement, education and darn near domination in the house-hold, in politics and society.

You chose which ever you feel is correct, but I personally wondered what was so different about the teachings of yester day vs. today.

Daughters don’t really play with dolls any more….

I personally was taught as a young girl was taught what I call the 5 G’s:

Both my mother and my father taught me that my primary goals in life as a black woman was to become further educated! They stayed on  my back side about my grades, my mother was order by my father to sit down with me for at least two hours a night to go over my homework, ensure I understood the materials and passed my test. My father checked my grades, and if I had below a C+ (and that was if he was in a good mood) that was my ass. No if, ands, or ‘butts’ about it. I did my work, I par-took in extra curricular active that ensured I was not getting involved with the wrong crowd, and that would pave a way to college. We had no money, and my father knew that education was key to me becoming stable later on in life. He himself admitted that it would be a strong possibility that I would either be an unwed mother, or I would be single with no children. And he knew that I was going to need skills and training that would assist with me providing a decent living for myself. Because he didn’t want to see me on the streets selling myself, stripping on someone’s pole (literally) or becoming a ‘gold digger’. And he was the same way with my younger sister and brothers. His biggest saying was ‘Keep your legs and mouth closed, and keep your eyes and ears open’. Meaning stay off your back and learn the things you need to learn in life by listening in school and getting an education.

Now, I’m 32 years of age, working towards my bachelors, with several military/civilian equivalent certifications, employed as a computer analyst and no husband and/or children.

Most black women, hell most women in general that I know personally have received the same lessons in life. I wouldn’t say that feminist are the cause of this hard-knocks approach to life; but I honestly feel that women and men from my mother and fathers generation saw how difficult it is for a woman to raise a child(ren) on her own. Especially if she has very little to no education, work force experience and/or certifications/degrees. My father was raised by his mother; and my mother was raised by her mother. Both had alcoholic and abusive fathers, and were forced to live in dysfunctional homes. And their mothers had no money, worked odd jobs and barely scraped by. Both agreed that they didn’t want to see my sister and I suffer the same fate.

This positive reinforcement of encouragement has become my curse. Because now when I meet a man, I can’t tell him what I do, where or who I work for, how much money I make, or what I own, because if I do; I’m most defiantly casted into this generalized (stereotypical) category of being an ‘overly independent’ black woman. Most men who meet me feel they have nothing to offer me, so it’s a waste of time even trying to talk to me. Granted, (and this is not to say I have a chip on my shoulder) many of the men I do talk to may not have the same level of education, or training and work experience as myself. Thus I thinks issues within themselves would surface if they where to become involved with me (issues with man-hood and self-esteem)  Some may fear that I would seek to dominate him and wear the pants in the relationship as well. Lets be honest, some women who have a little something going for themselves do act this way. And they make it bad for those of us who are just searching for someone to share our lives with. But what I own, where I work or what degree’s a I posses has nothing to do with who I am as a woman. It doesn’t mean that I’m so career and success driven that I my longings for a man and his company are now null and void. Please my brotha’s, keep in mind that I make my money, my money doesn’t make me.

The Sowing of the Oats….

Even though my brothers, sister and I were taught to become further educated, and make something of ourselves in life. The lessons we learned in love where a little different. My sister and I were told to stay celibate and wait till marriage to find a ‘godly’ man and have before having sex. Were as my brothers were pretty much given a free fvck pass. They where not only taught, but strongly encouraged by my father to become sexually promiscuous with as many women as their hearts desire. He instilled in them, this destroy and conquer type of attitude that was accompanied with slight level of arrogance. They were told to never let their guards down and allow a woman to break them down (they’re men, and they should act and treated as such); never turn their backs on their bro’s for a hoe, and to never get serious about one woman until they’re about 50 years old (maybe later). They were told that as men, there was no need for them to settle down and start a family unless they’d traveled the world and experienced many women. My father would tell the stories of his sexual conquest to my brothers and males in company, as he allowed them to sip bear and flip through nudy magazines. It was a right of passage for the men in my family become indoctrinated into a misogynistic mind-set.

Which later lead to many failed relationships with good women, a baby mama of four, and the same battles with infidelity that my father and his brothers suffered. My brothers (both blood and friend alike) find it difficult to stay faithfully committed to one woman, because they’ve been taught for so long that it’s not in a mans nature to do so. Thus, they get married and soon end up divorced, paying alimony and child support. You’ll see these same men in their late 40’s to early 60’s; up in the club wearing a 3 piece suit and wing-tipped shoes looking for a young thang to keep them warm at night.

I’ve met many men who suffer from an inflated sense of their own worth. Feeling that they’ve yet to meet a woman who was worthy of them asking for their hand in marriage. As a friend in another blog put it

“It’s not that they’ve never met a woman who was unworthy of their hand in marriage, it’s that the brotha either strayed away looking for the next ‘bigger and better thing’ around the corner or they had such high standards that good women where unable to meet them.”

So many men have watched the whole parade of women walk by waiting for his chance at Mrs. America. Leaving a trail of broken hearts in the wake of this destruction, because he feels that he’ll someday meet Kim Kardashian or Beyoncé, and it will be love at first sight. And let’s be real (not all) but some brothers just have some serious issues in relationships. They’re bitter, suffer from the Angry Black man syndrome (the man is always out to get them), have issues with mama, racist, color struck (only date, marry, or have kids with a specific color of woman), and insecure. The same could be said for some women (we’re not to be left out). Any time men refuse to examine themselves and what they do wrong, it’s always linked back to ALL women as if they’ve met and know us all personally.

This is where ‘we’ women are all clumped into one category, shoved in a box labeled ‘same’ and left single. Even those of us who do play the traditional female roles (seek to be stay at home mothers, and want to be kept by a man) still have problems moving past the preconceived notions of modern woman over all.

If you’re edcuated, hold your own, and have something to bring to the table; you’re ‘too independant’, manly, and will seek to wear the pants in the relationship or marriage.

If you’re submissive, docile, what most would considered ‘feminine’ and play the traditioal role; you run the risk of being run over and  cheated on with the ‘bad girls’ who’re ‘too independent’.

If you’re the inbetween mixuter of the two, you still will possibly be single or experience many failed relationships; because you may possibly cross paths with men who’ve yet to finish sowing thier oats.

Honestly ladies, we’re damed if we do and damed if we don’t……..

Please, Leave the Bags Where They Belong (In the Past)

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“It takes a strong woman, to deal with an emotionally weak man…..” Ms. Lillie May Harris (R.I.P)

I think it was about a year ago when one of my ‘constitutes’ and I happened to cross paths with a woman he’d known for quite some time. she was a cute woman, mild mannered and from what I could tell had a very sweat personality. Well, I wasn’t paying to much attention to what she and my friend where talking about, until I noticed that her whole demeanor changed when this other woman walked into the bar we where drinking at. She seemed as if she was angry and ready to fight upon the sight of this woman; but her attitude shifted from ‘ready to rumble‘ to shaking, crying and blowing snot bubbles.   Curious, I asked her what was wrong; because I hadn’t really heard the whole conversation; and she explained to me that she and the woman who’d just walked through the door where no longer friends, and that she’d also owed her $200.00. From what I’d gathered (based on what was intelligible between the huffing and puffing) she and this woman was at one time close friends and room mates; but things soon changed when a ‘man’ came into the picture.

See, the young woman sitting with us was at the time  ‘dating’ this one guy that both she and her former friend had a crush on. She was un-aware (based on what she told us) that her friend also liked the guy; prior to the two of them becoming involved. Now, when the young woman’s friend (the woman who’d just entered the bar) found out that the she and this guy where now an item, she not only refused to pay her the $200.00 she owed, but she moved out of the house they where renting, leaving her with all the bills.

Yea, sounds like the storyline for a premier move on The Life Time channel.

By this time, the young man in question walks up and starts to talk with my constitute; because they all know one another for way back. But the killing part about this whole debacle is not the fact that this woman whom I hardly knew was crying on my shoulder, but the fact that this dude is bragging about how he’d split up two best friends. It tickled his funny bone to know that he’d told ‘sweet nothings’ to one girl (the woman who’d just walked in) promising her that he cared deeply for her in an attempt to get some @$$, even though he was not attracted too her, all while sneaking and creeping with her best friend. Not only that, but he starts bragging about how the girl blowing the snot bubbles was better in bed and that he was only with her for the sex (going into explicit detail).

Now, any woman who’d heard such a sleazeball tell such a story would be ready to go off and give him a piece of her mind. But I wanted to take a different approach to the situation. I wanted to find out why he felt it was cool to play these two women against one another (no matter how gullible they may be). This guy goes into this story about how when was in high school; he had his heart broken by this one girl who cheated on him with a close friend. He stated that from that day forward he’d made a promise to himself that any woman who crossed his path would never get his love, affection and attention; based on what he’d felt after breaking up with this young woman. OVER 10 years prior to this incident. By this time I’m about ready to tell him to take a long walk on a short pier; but I allowed his arrogance to continue the conversation. Hoping that he would hear how silly he sound. He stated that he has no real ‘love’ for women, and that (no thanks to ol girl from 10 years ago) when it comes to relationships, he feels no need to engage in one much less waste time entertaining any woman seeking one. Thus, he tells women what they wanna hear, so that they’ll give him what he wants (sex, money, gifts, food, etc) and he keeps moving.

The conversation I had with him was no different than conversations I’d had with other men, from various background,  from a variant of social/economical classes and within the hues of numerous skin variations. And one thing that most of these men had in common with being womanizers was the fact that almost all of them had some woman in their past break their hearts. This cause for mistreatment lead to an effect of breaking the hearts of any woman who dare show him affection and ask for it in return. This is what I (as well as many social-psychotherapist) call ‘Emotional Baggage’.

When people hear this term, or any terms that involved the word ’emotional’ they automatically think women or ‘females’. There’s this common misconception that only women carry these ‘bags’ based on past abusive relationships , the lack of a father figure (or an abusive father), or low-self esteem. And to be honest, these ideas and opinions are actually issues that contribution to the emotional and/or psychological dysfunction of some women. But what I mean when I say ‘misconception‘ is that these same people mistakenly assume that men do not carry ‘bags’. They think that because most men internalize a lot of their past hurt and anger, they’ve somehow majestically over come the transgressions of others and have moved on (never looking back or reflection upon what happened). This is due to this ‘idea’ that men are supposed to be tough and suck it up, internalizing all emotions and keep on trucking. And they do internalize hurt, which in most cases leads to them carrying on in such a manner as a means of finding an outlet for the pinned up aggressions. Well, its been my experience that this couldn’t be any further from the truth. And my interaction with this man (and many other men) proved other wise.

he expalined to me that he would never get ‘caught’ like that again. And that it was his persoanlly mission to get back at EVERY woman possible to make him feel better about what this ‘ghost of girlfriends past’ had done to him.

“I love it, its gives me pleasure to know that I’m hurting someone the same way I was hurt by that b!tch! And you can get it too if you’re not careful….” He replied. Knocking his beer back while winking his eye at me.

I had to assure him that men who suffer from past trauma are not my type for starters and two, I would have to be a fool to fall for him after he disclosed such a ‘brilliant plan’ for the rest of his life. Fools who rush into such non-sense have a lack of understanding in a few things:

A. No two women are the same: We may have wants, needs and desires that are parallel, but we’re not the same person.  These two women had nothing to do wit the woman from his past, so they where unsuspecting of the fact that they’re being made to answer for someone else actions. Men who see all women with the same pare of goggles (this goes for women as well) are the men who’re unable to let go of what happened to them with one woman (or many women). They refuse to take responsibility for what wrong they may have carried out while dating/engaged/married by finding any way possible to conveniently link all faults and problems back to the woman.Thus, they associate all of her negatives to every woman whom seeks to engage in a relationship with him.

B. Making any new women ‘pay’ does nothing to change the past; it only alters their future with a potential mate: While these men are doing any and everything they can to ‘get her’ before she ‘gets him’; they can’t grasp the concept that living in the past only blocks them from finding a virtuous woman in their future, the woman who just may be the one who can assist him in forgetting about the woman who hurt him. But, because he’s so busy trying to play the ‘Big Pay Back’ in his broken record of life, he’s trapped in between a world from his past, and the present. And in doing so he’s not allowing himself to move on from her, because he keeps reliving what he endured with her every time he hurts someone new.

And this is what I don’t get about people who make ‘good folk’ pay for the actions of  those who’re ‘bad’ by our definition. While you’re so busying trying to ruin everyone you come in contact with based on what happened to you while you where in high school or playing college ball, you keep traveling within these revolving doors of misery. Constantly reflection on how the $h!t went down vs. just learning the lessons you where suppose to learn from that person and letting go. Folks never realize that they’re giving power to those individuals who’ve possibly completely forgotten all about them. The time an energy SOME OF YOU GUYS waste on miss-using and abusing women (because someone did that to you) could be used towards building a better you. Meaning you learning how to communicate better with women/men, reflecting on what positive traits you’re seeking in the next girlfriend/boyfriend and learning from the mistakes you made when you where with the one who got away. Hurting innocent people (emotionally, psychologically, mental or physical)  does nothing to change the past. You’re probably the last thing on these peoples mind when they go to bed at night, yet YOU (the foolish one) becomes c0nsumed with thinking about this people every day.

C. How to Let GO!: News flash, you’re not the only one in this world who’s had their heart broken. The majority of the adult population at some point in time in thier lives have experienced heart break. And your situation is no more different than anyone else. What ever you went through with the one who broke your heart is possibly the same things someone else had endured with a past lover, and has moved on. We’ve all been there and done that!

D. What Goes around Comes back Around: You reap what you sow. And if you’re intentionally causing  ill will towards someone else, you will get that $h!t back worse than what you gave it. And trust me when I say I’ve not only had it happened to me, but I’ve seen it happen to other people in my life. Thus the saying ‘Do unto others as you would have done onto you’. You can desire with every fiber of your being to get back at someone, but I’ve found that the best revenge for anyone who’s hurt you is to do nothing at all. We as living, breathing beings have two friends, and their names are Karma and Fate. And when ever someone hurts you, steels from you, or tries to break your pride, they selfishly seal their faith with Karma to have someone do the same to them. These folks always find someone who’s just as mean-spirited, bitter, and resentful as themselves (and sometimes worse). And they end up eating a huge helping of humble pie in the process. This is why I’ve learned to let folks go when they walk out of my life. Let them go and find what ever it is they (think) they’re looking for; they’ll  find it, but it won’t be what they thought it was. My grandmother use to say,

“The grass is always greener on the other side, until you find out what it takes to fertilize it”.

I asked this young man if he’d seen or talked to this infamous woman that he’s yet to get over at almost 35 years of age. He’d replied that they’re ran into one another a while back, and that she was now married with kids. In which I had to point out to him that she’d moved on with her life (possibly had her heart broken a time or two) and is now settled down with someone who’s accepts and loves her. I wanted him to understand that he too could have that if he so desired; but he would have to give love a chance, AGAIN. He was going to have to stop dumping his ‘garbage’ on every new woman’s door step.

The two women who where fighting over him finally got smart and moved on. And from what I’ve been told, he’s still single, still using women, and still carrying them bags. Some folks never learn, until they find themselves alone in an old folks home.