No Nuptials, No Nookie! (Part 1)

The indulgence of pleasing a woman’s erogenous zones are just as important to women as it is men; we just need men to understand that its even more so important to please us mentally.

“The key to opening a man’s heart is to understand that, in intimacy, the masculine essence usually values the gift of life energy more than the gift of emotional presence. Life-energy–expressed sexually and as bodily radiance– is SO valued that many men have left a woman they deeply love for a woman whom with they can flow more deeply in sexual passion” –David Deida

David Deida is an American author who writes about the sexual and spiritual relationship between men and women. He’s written and sold some very thought provoking books that have been  published in 25 languages. He focuses on conducting spiritual growth and intimacy workshops, and just happens to be one of the many founding associates at the Integral Institute. He’s conducted research and taught classes at the University of California at Santa Cruz, Lexington Institute in Boston, San Jose State University and Ecole Polytechnique in Paris; and he’s authored numerous essays, articles, and books on human spirituality including “The Way of the Superior Man, Finding God Through Sex and Blue Truth” and the autobiographical novel “Wild Nights“. All books in which I plan on reading.

After receiving the 1974 National Writing Award, Deida was admitted to the Florida Scholars Program at the University of Florida; where he founded the Plexus Interdisciplinary Center, researching medicine at Shands Hospital, The University of Florida. And in 1982, he graduated Phi Beta Kappa from the University of Florida with a bachelor’s in Theoretical Psychobiology. That same year, he was granted a fellowship at the Laboratory for Theoretical Neuroscience at the University of California, San Diego Medical School; and he  conducted research in the ontogeny of self/non-self boundaries and the evolution of the nervous system and its relationship to space-time dimensionality.

Can we say “Jimmy Neutron” of the human sexual behavior world?

Now, this is one smart cat; and I take everything he has to says as well as ALL the conclusions he’s reached from extensive study at face value. With impressive credentials such as his, this man could probably tell us that the moon is red and we’d believe him. But I bring him forward because I feel the statement he made in regards to male sexuality has been taken out of context by some men seeking to justify an over exaggeration of male lust for the female species. I say this because I’ve engaged in some very interesting and heavily debated conversations with many of men who quote Mr. Deida faithfully, with out getting a better understanding behind the reasoning or basis of his studies. I think that these men tend to be more caught up in the sexual aspect of this statement, in relation to their individual experience with their own masculinity, that I honestly feel they miss the entire message.

But then again, people only take what they want from a statement, the results in a scientific study, or scriptures in the bible to assist with building a sturdy foundation for an argument, that’s linked loosely to their individuals interpretations of the world around them.

What I think Mr. Deida Means (From A Woman’s Prospective)

Some men mistakenly assume that Mr. Deida is justifying engaging in premarital sex with the listed statement above. Their logic tells them that this statement is powered more so by their over-wheleming need to satisfy lustful, sexual urges and less to express their love for one woman. At least not right way.

Sex for the average woman is tricky, for the simple fact that when our bodies are being used as an of expression of love or physical attraction we have a lot more to lose should the relationship go sour. Everything from or healthy, to our sanity, emotions and even our reputation is as stake when giving ourselves to man. And that’s based upon the assumption that a woman who’s giving herself to a man is “technically” in a relationship with the man in which she deems worthy of her feminine essence.

I speak from personal experience when I say that I (and many other women) have made the mistake of assuming that in giving my love (physically, emotionally and sexually) to a man I cared for deeply; he would freely release an equal reciprocation of love and affection unto me. I thought that if I gave myself too him, two hearts would become one and we’d live our lives like James and Florida Evans sustained by true Ghetto love.

But DAM! DAM! DAM JAMES! To my dismay, I was either left for another woman who demonstrated less sexual restrictions and moral standards than I (that proper folks talk for “She’s a Super freak”), or the thrill of engaging in the physical expression with someone new (me) had worn off, and he was now seeking the next ‘big adventure’.  He’d got what he wanted, the chase was over, onto the next episode. I blame this irrational form of affection on the fact that so many men use the act of sex as a means of recreational release; and less as an expression of love itself.

Now, this is not to say that all men are guilty of this. There are men who are just as in tune with their woman’s sexual needs as she is into his; but for a man who’s not really serious about the women he beds either on occasion or during spontaneous encounters; expressing his love for her is the furtherest thing from his mind during the act of sex. Sure, as he gains experience; he may prefect various techniques, which can be mistaken as a form of love in physical expression by the woman (or women) in which he pleases. But I assure you that a man who has or is seeking to have many (physical) lovers he’s not in love with the women he lays with.

Men Love Sex….Well, So Do Women!

Yes! Its a proven fact that men love sex. I think there’s not a soul on the face of this earth will deny that sex itself is an important factor in a relationship/marriage for man. But the fact of the matter is, women love sex too! And because we too enjoy the act, there tends to be this double standard placed upon our sexuality over that of a mans. Thus as women (the ‘assumed’ more emotionally fragile creatures) we have to be more selective and careful in whom we give our bodies too.

Think about it?

For women, or most women I know personally, to engage in the act of freely giving her mind, body and soul to a man is a cherished, honorable, virtuous, and genuine expression of love. We’re taught to be chastened virgins prior to marriage; only allowing our first sexual experience to be limited to our future husbands.  Even though many women don’t hold true to this tradition, we’re still held more accountable for the consequences that follows the act over all.

Example:

Some men simply enjoy engaging in the act of life procreation (that’s the fun part because it feels good); but they despise the end result of an unwanted pregnancy. She’s respected his desires by having sex, but she’s seen as devious, scandalous and a ‘wretched’ if she choses to have the child against his wishes.

You’re trying to ‘take him for his paper’ because you’re taking him to court to ensure he pays for the child he assist with creating.

Thus the option of  birth control or choosing to abstain from sex over all is always placed upon the woman’s shoulders. Because the second she makes it known to that man (who wanted to express his love for her sexually) that she’s pregnant, her love status in his eyes has changed. For some men she’s no longer physically appealing; the changes in her body during the pregnancy renders her physically unattractive, and her mood swings in relation to her hormones can (in most cases does) lead him to ‘need his space’. Prior to the pregnancy you where ready to show your “love” frequently. But now that you’ve created life you need your space.

Or

If a woman’s heart is broken by a man who used sex as an expression of love; its her fault that she “gave it up” too soon. The woman is the individual force to take the walk of shame when its found that she’s been unknowingly added to a menagerie of female figurines; used for a mans sexual pleasure. She may not have had knowledge his true intentions for her; she had no idea that he was secretly positioning her to be added to his harem.  Heck, he may have possibly made her feel like she’s the only woman in the world for him; by spending quality time, purchasing gifts, paying for trips and the such. All the while he’s engaging in a balancing act of tending to her needs

As well as  the cute cashier at Wal Mart

And the secretary at his doctors office

And one of the single mother who’s son plays on the pee-wee league football team that he coaches. 

Some men tend to pride themselves on the number of women in which they engage in sexual intercourse with; in relation to their ratings on a scale of 1 to 10 in the looks department. They rate their women based upon

• her body type (size and shape)
• her assets (T&A)
• her physical looks and facial features
• skin complexion and smoothness
• hair texture
• level of ‘freakiness’ (what is she willing to do for him sexually).

They calculate these things in a scoring system that gives them accolades or ‘cool points’ from other men. And these unknowing women are turned into sexual conquest that makes for good sex stories during “Poke-her” Game  night while puffing a Cuban and sipping cognac. These men fail to see a woman beyond sex and beauty, because for them sex is not a form of expression in regards to his love for one woman;  as much as its about about how many women he can get, how good do they look to him, will his boyz approve of her looks, and does she make him feel like “a man” during the act of sex. He attaches the value of his man-hood to his “man-hood”. Because his conquest defines who he is as a man, and how his male counter-parts sees him.

The responsibility of recognizing his game and weeding through the untruths he tells in pursuit of ‘tail’, rest heavily upon the shoulders of the women that he beds.

Thus women are forced to be very cautious about who they give their mind, bodies, time, heart and souls too; making it difficult for many of us to freely engage in sex with a man before marriage. Many women have been burned raw by the illusions of what we thought where the love of a man; or we’ve known of a close female friend, family member, or co-worker who’s exposed her heart break after finding she too was a conquest trophy. So WE have to find a delicate balance between the time frame in which we give ourselves too a man, should we chose to do so.

Some women chose the famed 90 day rule; which is nothing more than an abstract number made up by a famed retired stand up comedian (who’s a self-proclaimed reformed Womanizer turned Christian)

Some women chose to do so after the 3rd date

Some women chose to abstain until wedding night consecration.

Either chose leads a woman to play a deck of cards with a “Joker” concealed within the shuffle. We never know what our hand looks like when first meeting a man, and to be truthful we still don’t really know WHO he is even after 3 months of dating. I say this because my rule of thumb when dating is that it takes  a good 3 to 6 months for a man to retire his ‘representative’ (the charming, thoughtful, sensitive man who’s professing his unyielding love for you); and the real “Him” show up and show out” (the bother that’s been waiting patiently to tap into your spine).

 

He just wants a “test drive”

For some men premarital sex is a means of ‘test driving’ a woman. Meaning he wants to engage in sexual intercourse with her with out having to legally commit unto her within the confinements of marriage. This option of tasting the milk with out buying the cow leads for a man to have room to breath easy in a relationship with a woman. It benefits him because he gets the wife experience with out having the legal constraints of having a wife.

The problem with some women is that many  of us buy into this ‘test drive’ notion as being acceptable. Some of us have had men reject us because our legs where not easily spread with by their words of persuasion. Its too much work to get to know a woman who won’t give it up. And its not safe for insecure men to get to close to a woman that he can’t use for nothing more than sex. For if he spends to much time with you, getting to know you for who you are (beyond the bed room) that leaves him vulnerable to possibly falling for you and being open to emotional hurt. For men who chose the test drive method, they can hold YOU (the gullible woman) at bay by telling you what you want to hear; while waiting for something ‘better’. And with some men is always about what’s ‘better’ because they’re never satisfied with what they have (not until she’s gone). So he’ll put time and energy into

• Telling you he’s planning for your wedding; while telling everyone else he never had any intentions of getting married.
• Showing you the house he claims he’s saving money to purchase after marriage, yet refusing to save money and fix his credit to make that dream a reality.
• He tells you he loves you; but its only when your having sex.

And you continue to catch him in lies with different women that he claims are just friends; and you still don’t get it. So let me break down this ‘test drive’ for you good people.  “Test Drive” is nothing but ‘man code’ for

“I wanna sleep with you; and have you perform these ‘wifely’ duties (cooking, cleaning, washing his dirty draws) playing house; while he’s keeping my options open (just in case Beyonce leaves Jay-Z for me)”.

Our society tells women that closed legs don’t get a ring on it; thus so many women exchange knowledge of self worth’ for the sake of being able to say they have ‘a man’ at home.

Yea, you’ve got a ‘boo thang’, a new ‘bo’, or a sponsor who say’s you’re his ‘5 Star chick’; but are you in a REAL relationship with him?

How does he act when you attempt to talk to him about your future together (marriage) vs. when you talk about having sex?

Have you been introduced as his girl, his girlfriend, or his wife to be (fiancé) within the last past 3 years?

So many women don’t understand that there’s a huge difference in having ‘a man’ and being kept by your future husband. Some women don’t understand that your future husband will wait for sex, because he knows that there’s more to you than just your sex. Your future husband wants to connect with you on a deeper level that surpasses the depths of your womb. “A man” doesn’t care about waiting, because to him, all you are is convenient sex. What you won’t give him, another woman will. He can dump you for someone else who’ll play house when you forget to stay in your place and attempt to move past the boundaries in which he sets for you as his play wife. While your future husband wants to get to know you for who you are and what you have to offer him in a marriage, as his partner and not as his long term girlfriend. He’s more interested in investing time in building a stable foundation for a REAL relationship (future marriage) with you that’s comprised of love, trust, honor and respect. For he (your future husband) understands that sex will come with marriage; and its enhanced by love; which constitutes ‘making love’ not just having sex. Your relationship to him is not just a ‘test drive’ is a commitment.

Where as ‘a man’ just wants you for what you can do for him sexually; which is no different than what he can get from any other woman willing to give it to him (and probably already is, while he’s with you!).

In Conclusion of Part 1 To this On Going Saga…..

Some men will never really fully grasp the concept of making love to a woman they love until they’re able to get closure from hurt in past relationships that have failed with other women (or one woman). Yea, I said it. Many men are merely fore filling an empty desire for companionship with a woman by engaging in an empty exchange of meaningless sex. These men think that have sex with different women will ease the discomfort he’s experiencing from unresolved relationship issues of his past.

May it be his need to find a ‘bed warmer’; i.e. A Pretty.Young.Thang that will rub his bald head and pat his wrinkly bottom in older age.

A ‘homieloverfriend’ that assist with filling the void he’s found within himself during a bitter divorce from his wife of many years.

Or a man that’s been burned raw by the heat of a heartbreak from a woman he allowed himself to be vulnerable too

The majority of issues men have in their current relationship with women is not her inability to give him the sex he lust for prior to marriage; and these issues will not be resolved until they finally acknowledged and get rid of the ’emotional bags’ linked to the ghosts  of girlfriends and wives past.

Honestly, before they event think about pursuing another woman they really need to

1. Have a truthful heart to heart with themselves: Conduct an honest self-evluatoin of how YOU may have contributed to the dysfunction in your unions. Get to t he root cause of why you fail to engage in a healthy, happy relationship with a woman where sex is not just the focal point of her over all existence in you life.
2. Figure out what went wrong with ‘that one‘ before starting something new with ‘this one‘.
3. Give yourselves the time needed to grieve from your heart break: Yes! that also means being secure enough your man-hood that you’re able to break ‘man code’ and allow yourself the chance need to cry. Heal yourselves from the inside out of the current  emotional wounds you’re nursing; prior to getting back into the dating game.

Why? Because men are every bit as much afraid of being alone as women are. NO MATTER how hard they try and deny this fact; men don’t do lonely well. This is why they mistaken sexual  lust for a woman as equating to an expression of love. THEY think that laying up in the bed and getting in between a woman’s legs means that they’ve found love or that she loves them. Because they’re replacing their temporary sexual experience with the new ‘boo’ with the experiences they’ve had with their past lover (mainly the one who hurt them). And this leads many men to use sex as a weapon of choice when emotionally harming innocent women; based upon the actions of a woman in their past.

In order words ladies, while you’re laying on your back looking up at a the scorn man on top of you; he’s not seeing you, he’s seeing the woman who hurt him. And he’s punishing you for her actions by sub-conciouslly getting back at her though your vagina. He never really allowed himself the time he needed to get over what happened between him and ol’ girl. And honestly, some men don’t want to get over what happened with him and his ex. They want to live life stuck in a constant perpetual cycle of bitterness by making every woman pay for her past mistakes. His logic tells him that while he’s giving you the business, that some how hurts her (the woman who’s moved on) to know that another woman has taken her place.

So ladies, be careful with a man who’s more eager to show his love sexually, and less emotionally, mentally and psychologically. Any man who doesn’t desire nuptials, is not good enough for you to give him to nookie.