The Gender Roles of Yester-Year

September 1, 2010 marked my 32nd birthday. 32 years of being blessed, and able bodied to walk the face of this earth and accomplish many great things (in which I have).

I’ve served in the military for 10 years, I’m a supervisor at my current place of employment, I pay my own bills, enrolled in school full-time, a clean bill of health, financially stable. I would say I have more than most whom wish they where walking in my shoes.

But for some strange unexplainable reasons, I’m single! 0_o?

So many black women like myself are experiencing the same dilemma. We have all the chips in place (good job, education, financial stability, business and home owners, clean, well-kept, attractive and godly in most instances) yet we’re experiencing great difficulty wearing the title “Mrs”.

No husband, no children, just me, myself and I. Now, before I go out and purchase a ‘cat lady’ starter kit from the local ASPCA, I decided that it was time I do some self-evaluation; because I can only blame the media and society for what’s wrong with “me” as an individual for so long.  But I needed to get to the root of my own personal issues and find out why I and the many women like myself have yet to wed; as well as what I can do to change these ‘issues’ to make myself available for marriage.I know marriage is not the know all, end all to happiness; I’m going to be honest if a woman is not happy with herself, then she won’t be happy with man. But I’m lonely! And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

“Things are not the Same as When Mom‘s and Pop’s Hopped the Broom”

I keep hearing all this talk about how marriage was ‘back in the day’; and how when folks got married they married for better for worst. assuming that generations past took their wedding vows more serious than that of people to date. This may be true for many people, but something that I’ve personally find with many people in my life who’re married is that the family dynamics of today is not the same as it was 50 years past. In those days; men where the bread winners,  plain and simple. They went to work (mostly labor jobs), worked hard, bought home the bacon and assumed the role as head of the household. 

Daughters were taught how to be women. Most of us who grew up in my mothers day learned how to cook and clean, how to rear children and the importance of caring for a family. And they were taught find a man who could provide for them and their children.

Young men were groomed to be providers. Responsible community leaders, educated wise men who worked hard, and where self-reliant. Women knew their roles and men knew theirs. And there was very little to no ‘bluring’ between the lines.

Many would say the Feminist movement shattered these gender (exceptions) roles and have endanger the sanctity of the institute of marriage. I’ve heard many from the older generation state that Feminist have single-handedly ’emasculated’ men and have remade them into the more ‘kinder-genteler’ verson of  what constitutes a man. Givinf women and unfair advantage over men in work-force advancement, education and darn near domination in the house-hold, in politics and society.

You chose which ever you feel is correct, but I personally wondered what was so different about the teachings of yester day vs. today.

Daughters don’t really play with dolls any more….

I personally was taught as a young girl was taught what I call the 5 G’s:

• Go to School
• Get an Education
• Graduate
• Get a Job
• Get Married

Both my mother and my father taught me that my primary goals in life as a black woman was to become further educated! They stayed on  my back side about my grades, my mother was order by my father to sit down with me for at least two hours a night to go over my homework, ensure I understood the materials and passed my test. My father checked my grades, and if I had below a C+ (and that was if he was in a good mood) that was my ass. No if, ands, or ‘butts’ about it. I did my work, I par-took in extra curricular active that ensured I was not getting involved with the wrong crowd, and that would pave a way to college. We had no money, and my father knew that education was key to me becoming stable later on in life. He himself admitted that it would be a strong possibility that I would either be an unwed mother, or I would be single with no children. And he knew that I was going to need skills and training that would assist with me providing a decent living for myself. Because he didn’t want to see me on the streets selling myself, stripping on someone’s pole (literally) or becoming a ‘gold digger’. And he was the same way with my younger sister and brothers. His biggest saying was ‘Keep your legs and mouth closed, and keep your eyes and ears open’. Meaning stay off your back and learn the things you need to learn in life by listening in school and getting an education.

Now, I’m 32 years of age, working towards my bachelors, with several military/civilian equivalent certifications, employed as a computer analyst and no husband and/or children.

Most black women, hell most women in general that I know personally have received the same lessons in life. I wouldn’t say that feminist are the cause of this hard-knocks approach to life; but I honestly feel that women and men from my mother and fathers generation saw how difficult it is for a woman to raise a child(ren) on her own. Especially if she has very little to no education, work force experience and/or certifications/degrees. My father was raised by his mother; and my mother was raised by her mother. Both had alcoholic and abusive fathers, and were forced to live in dysfunctional homes. And their mothers had no money, worked odd jobs and barely scraped by. Both agreed that they didn’t want to see my sister and I suffer the same fate.

This positive reinforcement of encouragement has become my curse. Because now when I meet a man, I can’t tell him what I do, where or who I work for, how much money I make, or what I own, because if I do; I’m most defiantly casted into this generalized (stereotypical) category of being an ‘overly independent’ black woman. Most men who meet me feel they have nothing to offer me, so it’s a waste of time even trying to talk to me. Granted, (and this is not to say I have a chip on my shoulder) many of the men I do talk to may not have the same level of education, or training and work experience as myself. Thus I thinks issues within themselves would surface if they where to become involved with me (issues with man-hood and self-esteem)  Some may fear that I would seek to dominate him and wear the pants in the relationship as well. Lets be honest, some women who have a little something going for themselves do act this way. And they make it bad for those of us who are just searching for someone to share our lives with. But what I own, where I work or what degree’s a I posses has nothing to do with who I am as a woman. It doesn’t mean that I’m so career and success driven that I my longings for a man and his company are now null and void. Please my brotha’s, keep in mind that I make my money, my money doesn’t make me.

The Sowing of the Oats….

Even though my brothers, sister and I were taught to become further educated, and make something of ourselves in life. The lessons we learned in love where a little different. My sister and I were told to stay celibate and wait till marriage to find a ‘godly’ man and have before having sex. Were as my brothers were pretty much given a free fvck pass. They where not only taught, but strongly encouraged by my father to become sexually promiscuous with as many women as their hearts desire. He instilled in them, this destroy and conquer type of attitude that was accompanied with slight level of arrogance. They were told to never let their guards down and allow a woman to break them down (they’re men, and they should act and treated as such); never turn their backs on their bro’s for a hoe, and to never get serious about one woman until they’re about 50 years old (maybe later). They were told that as men, there was no need for them to settle down and start a family unless they’d traveled the world and experienced many women. My father would tell the stories of his sexual conquest to my brothers and males in company, as he allowed them to sip bear and flip through nudy magazines. It was a right of passage for the men in my family become indoctrinated into a misogynistic mind-set.

Which later lead to many failed relationships with good women, a baby mama of four, and the same battles with infidelity that my father and his brothers suffered. My brothers (both blood and friend alike) find it difficult to stay faithfully committed to one woman, because they’ve been taught for so long that it’s not in a mans nature to do so. Thus, they get married and soon end up divorced, paying alimony and child support. You’ll see these same men in their late 40’s to early 60’s; up in the club wearing a 3 piece suit and wing-tipped shoes looking for a young thang to keep them warm at night.

I’ve met many men who suffer from an inflated sense of their own worth. Feeling that they’ve yet to meet a woman who was worthy of them asking for their hand in marriage. As a friend in another blog put it

“It’s not that they’ve never met a woman who was unworthy of their hand in marriage, it’s that the brotha either strayed away looking for the next ‘bigger and better thing’ around the corner or they had such high standards that good women where unable to meet them.”

So many men have watched the whole parade of women walk by waiting for his chance at Mrs. America. Leaving a trail of broken hearts in the wake of this destruction, because he feels that he’ll someday meet Kim Kardashian or Beyoncé, and it will be love at first sight. And let’s be real (not all) but some brothers just have some serious issues in relationships. They’re bitter, suffer from the Angry Black man syndrome (the man is always out to get them), have issues with mama, racist, color struck (only date, marry, or have kids with a specific color of woman), and insecure. The same could be said for some women (we’re not to be left out). Any time men refuse to examine themselves and what they do wrong, it’s always linked back to ALL women as if they’ve met and know us all personally.

This is where ‘we’ women are all clumped into one category, shoved in a box labeled ‘same’ and left single. Even those of us who do play the traditional female roles (seek to be stay at home mothers, and want to be kept by a man) still have problems moving past the preconceived notions of modern woman over all.

If you’re edcuated, hold your own, and have something to bring to the table; you’re ‘too independant’, manly, and will seek to wear the pants in the relationship or marriage.

If you’re submissive, docile, what most would considered ‘feminine’ and play the traditioal role; you run the risk of being run over and  cheated on with the ‘bad girls’ who’re ‘too independent’.

If you’re the inbetween mixuter of the two, you still will possibly be single or experience many failed relationships; because you may possibly cross paths with men who’ve yet to finish sowing thier oats.

Honestly ladies, we’re damed if we do and damed if we don’t……..

Please, Leave the Bags Where They Belong (In the Past)

“It takes a strong woman, to deal with an emotionally weak man…..” Ms. Lillie May Harris (R.I.P)

I think it was about a year ago when one of my ‘constitutes’ and I happened to cross paths with a woman he’d known for quite some time. she was a cute woman, mild mannered and from what I could tell had a very sweat personality. Well, I wasn’t paying to much attention to what she and my friend where talking about, until I noticed that her whole demeanor changed when this other woman walked into the bar we where drinking at. She seemed as if she was angry and ready to fight upon the sight of this woman; but her attitude shifted from ‘ready to rumble‘ to shaking, crying and blowing snot bubbles.   Curious, I asked her what was wrong; because I hadn’t really heard the whole conversation; and she explained to me that she and the woman who’d just walked through the door where no longer friends, and that she’d also owed her $200.00. From what I’d gathered (based on what was intelligible between the huffing and puffing) she and this woman was at one time close friends and room mates; but things soon changed when a ‘man’ came into the picture.

See, the young woman sitting with us was at the time  ‘dating’ this one guy that both she and her former friend had a crush on. She was un-aware (based on what she told us) that her friend also liked the guy; prior to the two of them becoming involved. Now, when the young woman’s friend (the woman who’d just entered the bar) found out that the she and this guy where now an item, she not only refused to pay her the $200.00 she owed, but she moved out of the house they where renting, leaving her with all the bills.

Yea, sounds like the storyline for a premier move on The Life Time channel.

By this time, the young man in question walks up and starts to talk with my constitute; because they all know one another for way back. But the killing part about this whole debacle is not the fact that this woman whom I hardly knew was crying on my shoulder, but the fact that this dude is bragging about how he’d split up two best friends. It tickled his funny bone to know that he’d told ‘sweet nothings’ to one girl (the woman who’d just walked in) promising her that he cared deeply for her in an attempt to get some @$$, even though he was not attracted too her, all while sneaking and creeping with her best friend. Not only that, but he starts bragging about how the girl blowing the snot bubbles was better in bed and that he was only with her for the sex (going into explicit detail).

Now, any woman who’d heard such a sleazeball tell such a story would be ready to go off and give him a piece of her mind. But I wanted to take a different approach to the situation. I wanted to find out why he felt it was cool to play these two women against one another (no matter how gullible they may be). This guy goes into this story about how when was in high school; he had his heart broken by this one girl who cheated on him with a close friend. He stated that from that day forward he’d made a promise to himself that any woman who crossed his path would never get his love, affection and attention; based on what he’d felt after breaking up with this young woman. OVER 10 years prior to this incident. By this time I’m about ready to tell him to take a long walk on a short pier; but I allowed his arrogance to continue the conversation. Hoping that he would hear how silly he sound. He stated that he has no real ‘love’ for women, and that (no thanks to ol girl from 10 years ago) when it comes to relationships, he feels no need to engage in one much less waste time entertaining any woman seeking one. Thus, he tells women what they wanna hear, so that they’ll give him what he wants (sex, money, gifts, food, etc) and he keeps moving.

The conversation I had with him was no different than conversations I’d had with other men, from various background,  from a variant of social/economical classes and within the hues of numerous skin variations. And one thing that most of these men had in common with being womanizers was the fact that almost all of them had some woman in their past break their hearts. This cause for mistreatment lead to an effect of breaking the hearts of any woman who dare show him affection and ask for it in return. This is what I (as well as many social-psychotherapist) call ‘Emotional Baggage’.

When people hear this term, or any terms that involved the word ’emotional’ they automatically think women or ‘females’. There’s this common misconception that only women carry these ‘bags’ based on past abusive relationships , the lack of a father figure (or an abusive father), or low-self esteem. And to be honest, these ideas and opinions are actually issues that contribution to the emotional and/or psychological dysfunction of some women. But what I mean when I say ‘misconception‘ is that these same people mistakenly assume that men do not carry ‘bags’. They think that because most men internalize a lot of their past hurt and anger, they’ve somehow majestically over come the transgressions of others and have moved on (never looking back or reflection upon what happened). This is due to this ‘idea’ that men are supposed to be tough and suck it up, internalizing all emotions and keep on trucking. And they do internalize hurt, which in most cases leads to them carrying on in such a manner as a means of finding an outlet for the pinned up aggressions. Well, its been my experience that this couldn’t be any further from the truth. And my interaction with this man (and many other men) proved other wise.

he expalined to me that he would never get ‘caught’ like that again. And that it was his persoanlly mission to get back at EVERY woman possible to make him feel better about what this ‘ghost of girlfriends past’ had done to him.

“I love it, its gives me pleasure to know that I’m hurting someone the same way I was hurt by that b!tch! And you can get it too if you’re not careful….” He replied. Knocking his beer back while winking his eye at me.

I had to assure him that men who suffer from past trauma are not my type for starters and two, I would have to be a fool to fall for him after he disclosed such a ‘brilliant plan’ for the rest of his life. Fools who rush into such non-sense have a lack of understanding in a few things:

A. No two women are the same: We may have wants, needs and desires that are parallel, but we’re not the same person.  These two women had nothing to do wit the woman from his past, so they where unsuspecting of the fact that they’re being made to answer for someone else actions. Men who see all women with the same pare of goggles (this goes for women as well) are the men who’re unable to let go of what happened to them with one woman (or many women). They refuse to take responsibility for what wrong they may have carried out while dating/engaged/married by finding any way possible to conveniently link all faults and problems back to the woman.Thus, they associate all of her negatives to every woman whom seeks to engage in a relationship with him.

B. Making any new women ‘pay’ does nothing to change the past; it only alters their future with a potential mate: While these men are doing any and everything they can to ‘get her’ before she ‘gets him’; they can’t grasp the concept that living in the past only blocks them from finding a virtuous woman in their future, the woman who just may be the one who can assist him in forgetting about the woman who hurt him. But, because he’s so busy trying to play the ‘Big Pay Back’ in his broken record of life, he’s trapped in between a world from his past, and the present. And in doing so he’s not allowing himself to move on from her, because he keeps reliving what he endured with her every time he hurts someone new.

And this is what I don’t get about people who make ‘good folk’ pay for the actions of  those who’re ‘bad’ by our definition. While you’re so busying trying to ruin everyone you come in contact with based on what happened to you while you where in high school or playing college ball, you keep traveling within these revolving doors of misery. Constantly reflection on how the $h!t went down vs. just learning the lessons you where suppose to learn from that person and letting go. Folks never realize that they’re giving power to those individuals who’ve possibly completely forgotten all about them. The time an energy SOME OF YOU GUYS waste on miss-using and abusing women (because someone did that to you) could be used towards building a better you. Meaning you learning how to communicate better with women/men, reflecting on what positive traits you’re seeking in the next girlfriend/boyfriend and learning from the mistakes you made when you where with the one who got away. Hurting innocent people (emotionally, psychologically, mental or physical)  does nothing to change the past. You’re probably the last thing on these peoples mind when they go to bed at night, yet YOU (the foolish one) becomes c0nsumed with thinking about this people every day.

C. How to Let GO!: News flash, you’re not the only one in this world who’s had their heart broken. The majority of the adult population at some point in time in thier lives have experienced heart break. And your situation is no more different than anyone else. What ever you went through with the one who broke your heart is possibly the same things someone else had endured with a past lover, and has moved on. We’ve all been there and done that!

D. What Goes around Comes back Around: You reap what you sow. And if you’re intentionally causing  ill will towards someone else, you will get that $h!t back worse than what you gave it. And trust me when I say I’ve not only had it happened to me, but I’ve seen it happen to other people in my life. Thus the saying ‘Do unto others as you would have done onto you’. You can desire with every fiber of your being to get back at someone, but I’ve found that the best revenge for anyone who’s hurt you is to do nothing at all. We as living, breathing beings have two friends, and their names are Karma and Fate. And when ever someone hurts you, steels from you, or tries to break your pride, they selfishly seal their faith with Karma to have someone do the same to them. These folks always find someone who’s just as mean-spirited, bitter, and resentful as themselves (and sometimes worse). And they end up eating a huge helping of humble pie in the process. This is why I’ve learned to let folks go when they walk out of my life. Let them go and find what ever it is they (think) they’re looking for; they’ll  find it, but it won’t be what they thought it was. My grandmother use to say,

“The grass is always greener on the other side, until you find out what it takes to fertilize it”.

I asked this young man if he’d seen or talked to this infamous woman that he’s yet to get over at almost 35 years of age. He’d replied that they’re ran into one another a while back, and that she was now married with kids. In which I had to point out to him that she’d moved on with her life (possibly had her heart broken a time or two) and is now settled down with someone who’s accepts and loves her. I wanted him to understand that he too could have that if he so desired; but he would have to give love a chance, AGAIN. He was going to have to stop dumping his ‘garbage’ on every new woman’s door step.

The two women who where fighting over him finally got smart and moved on. And from what I’ve been told, he’s still single, still using women, and still carrying them bags. Some folks never learn, until they find themselves alone in an old folks home.

 

The Double Consciousness of Black Love: The Cause and Effect Factors of Why We “Can’t Get Along”.

I’ve been reading a very interesting book titled ‘Brainwashed, Challenging the Myth of Black Inferiority’ (by Tom Burrell). And this book brought forward some very thought-provoking topics that I felt were not only compelling revelations about the mindset of today’s African-American, but it touches on some issues that parallel to W.E.B. Dubois’ ‘Double Consciousness’.  Double Consciousness is a term coined by Dubois used to  describe what he felt was the contradictions between social values and the daily experience of African-Americans here in the U.S.

Dubois explains why he feels that ‘we’ as people have been deprived of our ‘true-self-consciousness’ by seeing ourselves through the generalized preconceived notions of individuals of other ethnicities. Meaning that we see ourselves the way many in the world see us.

I wrote a speech on this topic a while back in my public speaking class; where I cross referenced the images of African-Americans in Hip Hop/Rap videos (the images our own people project of us) and in movies, in relation to how black people are stereotyped in society. And most of you know what I’m talking about; where you see the video depictions of scantily clad black women swinging from a pole having Champagne bottles poured on their crowns; while ‘ghetto’ superstars walk in slow motion through the club. Adorned with diamond encrusted ‘Jesus Pieces’ swinging from their necks and drinking straight from the bottle.

These images of ‘us’ ‘up in the club’ are comparable to the early days of the minstrel shows, and how they were assumed to be an accurate depiction of the everyday life of a slave. And our youth imitate these ‘cake walks’ when entering social gatherings and venues.  Young black women wearing next to nothing, ‘P-popping’ on the dance floor as they drop it low for young black men who replicate the prison popular ‘sagging pants’; which if they really did their research they would understand that this signals of being spoken for by a fellow inmate/male homosexual lover.

But, let me get off that subject because I can honestly talk about that all dam day.

Referring back to the wisdom filled words of Mr. Burrell, I wanted to talk to you (the reader, the consumer, my brother and sister) about the misconception that ‘we’ as people are these sexually charged beast that’s just gotta have it. And what I mean by ‘it’ is this constant need to be sexually satisfied, or constantly seeking self- gratification through sexual conquest. Now, this can be applied to any ethnicity, but I wanted to focus more on African-Americans in relation to how we as a people view love, sex, relationships and marriage.

Burrell has a chapter in his book titled ‘Studs and Sluts’ Why Do We Conform to Black Sexual Stereotypes? And throughout this chapter he examines how African-Americans are categorized as being these hyper-sexed beings, fixated on achieving nothing more than a sexual high. He talks about how black men are seen as:

Brute (broot); a non-human creature; animal qualities, desires, etc; adj: an animal, non-human/not characterized by intelligence or reason; irrational/savage, cruel.

And how black women are seen as:

Jezebel (Jez-uh-buhl): noun: a woman who is regarded as evil and scheming; a wicked, shameless woman.

The images of black people (portrayed by black people) in the media, entertainment industry and society in general always finds ways of painting the picture of an African-American man or woman as fitting these descriptions.  And to be honest, some of our own people don’t make it any better. These stereotypes can be found within the infamous rape charges and allegations that African-American male athletes face or are found guilty of (example, Mike Tyson and Kobe Bryant), or through the secret harems exposed unto their wives  and the public during explosive sex scandals (i.e. Tiger Woods, Magic Johnson, and/or Wilt Chamberlin). African-American men have adapted to the ideology that in order to be seen as a ‘man’ or in proving his ‘man hood’ to other men he must use the functionality of his ‘man-hood’ upon countless women. He must have the ‘gift of gab’ and to ‘bag and tag’ as many dimes as possible, so that he can trade fables of conquest during a pick-up game of skins and shirts.

African-American women ARE NOT excluded from these tragic depictions. They’re not only seen as whores of Babylon, but they’re sub-consciously labeled gold-digging, lustful sluts who’ll use what they’ve got to get what they want. Many African-American women believe that the circumference of her rear-end defines her African femininity in the same manner that a slaves hind-quarters, hips and thighs where signs of being fertile and ready for breeding. African-American women have adopted this mind-set of having an ‘ass’ (and showing it) demonstrates that she’s in most cases ‘all woman’, and in doing so she’s  bought into this philosophy that being ‘freaky’ with numerous men equates to freely exploring her  sexuality. This ignorance has become such the norm amongst many African-American women to the point where this misinformed mentality is touted in the many images and lyrics you hear from modern-day female hip hop/rap artist. And any underground female artist seeking commercial stardom must do so at the expense of her pride and dignity. She has to ‘sell’ herself in a meat market of diluted prostitution to be even be seen as market worthy.

African-American females who are lucky to break into the entertainment industry either allow themselves to be exploited or they’re the ones choosing to exploit themselves via sexually explicit lyrics, sexually suggestive acts being carried out on-screen or during on stage performances; while gloating upon over exposed flesh (i.e. Lil Kim, Foxy Brown, Trina, and newly infamous Nicki Manji).  They do this as a means of increasing the shock value that fans the flames of controversy, increasing their fan-base (mainly African-American women) resulting in sky-rocketing record sales. And the African-American Community supports it! Many African-Americans believe that this is the way that black women ‘make it’. Or as one user told me ‘doing what they’ve gotta do’.  And any woman who dares confront these (‘assumed courageous) women  on this buffoonery, they’re labeled a ‘sell-out’, booji, or told they’ve forgotten they’re black.

So let me get this straight, you’re either  ‘hating’ on these women who’ve traded in the term ‘Queen’ in exchange for ‘5 Star B!tch’ based on her assets and bank roll; or you’ve somehow become so successful in life that you don’t recognize who’s staring back at you in the mirror 0_0?

This ‘Sex Factor’ mentality is one of the reasons why African-Americans experience great difficulty engaging in blissful relationships/marriage with members of the opposite sex. The things we see and hear in our movies and music is a constant reminder to us that

A.      Black men are male whores who can’t stay faithful to one woman; much less take care of his children as a father should.

B.      Black women are ‘skeezers’ using their ‘ass’ets’ to get ahead in life.

C.      Black women don’t need black men for anything more than d!ck, let’s face it, almost all the popular ‘love songs’ produced by black female artist talk about how they’ve been wronged by black men, so why bother being serious about them.

D.     Black women are nothing more than baby mama’s that crave dysfunctional drama and are emotionally, psychologically and mentally unstable.

E.      Black men are in constant ‘pimp mode’; always ‘sticken chickens’ and moving onto the next one.

Black entertainment tells us we can’t get alone with one another; thus we don’t! Most of don’t’ even try (don’t care too) because many of us have had so many difficult and failed relationships (that we’ve personally chose to engage in) with the wrong men and women, that we soon start to see one another with the same pair of misleading goggles.

Studs and Sluts Dynamics

Burrell breaks this mentality down so simple that even a cave man can do it. He incorporates these dysfunctional dynamics through three main points that explains the people who feed this miss-education of the modern-day Negro.

1.       Studs on the Hunt: Men who define themselves by their sexuality and sexual exploits.

They’re constantly on the sexual hunt with self-worth directly tied to their conquest and sexual performance. Sex is a higher priority than job advancement (higher education), fatherhood, and/or real relationships. They will risk all in the pursuit of the ‘booty’. They can’t (and will not) get too involved with their ‘jump offs’, chicken heads, ‘pigeons’, or ‘sideline h03’s’; because they’ve internalized their brutish nature by spouting this ‘I’m doing this to you, not with you’ mantra. They animalize, dehumanize, and objectify women to reinforce the idea that women (mainly African-American women) are unworthy of emotional commitment and long-term involvement.

We see this as being evident with the manner in which women are portrayed in African-American movies and music. The infamous strippers making in clap, the ‘dime pieces’ shaking it fast and the controversial credit card swipe down the ass crack in the video ‘Tip Drill’ all show black women as nothing more than mere stress relievers. Eye candy for visual appeasement and sexual gratification. Our African-American men see the women in these videos and lyrics being devalued and objectified on-screen, and they incorporate the same ignorant mentality into how they treat the common woman.

But what’s so amazing about this retardation is that some African-American men will devalue a black woman while uplifting the value of women who belong to other ethnicities. They see women with skin not like theirs as being more ‘wife’ worthy, based on the assumption that these women know more about what it takes to be a wife (domesticated, docile, and more feminine); and they believe that these women somehow make ‘better’ wives/mothers than that of the African-American women who raised them.

2.       Gold-Digging Slut: Jezebel-like sex objects who believe that to get anywhere in life, they have to be really good at ‘it’. Sex and sexual exploitation is their ticket, or money-maker.

Gold-diggers do one of two things

A.      They have intercourse in the hopes of becoming impregnated by a man with money and social status

B.      Allow themselves to become the conquest of the brutes in return for monetary and material gain (i.e. expensive dinners, jewelry, getting their bills /rent paid or starring role in a video). These ‘women’ are conditioned to devalue sex. Their innate emotions and needs for tenderness, compassion, and love are continually repressed. They personally believe they’re unworthy of love and respect, and avoid disappointment at all cost.

I think that these women have experienced failed relationship after failed relationship; and they’ve become hardened to the idea of being in love or loved by someone. Thus, they too identify and incorporate the lyrics of such songs as ‘Ding-a-lang’ rapped by Trina ft. Nicki into their life’s philosophies on love. And in doing so assume that they’ve already gained possession of the finer things in life, thus all they need a man for is what’s in his bank account or good sex.

These women are the female versions of brutes, while adapting to a misogynistic views of love and sex (i.e. devaluing the loving touch and companionship of a man). This leads many black men to assume that ALL black women incorporate these individual characteristics into their  personality traits, thus (to them) making black women less desirable as wives/mothers of their children, or see them as ‘acting manly’. Because its assume that only a men can separate love from sex,  if a woman demonstrates she can do the same (using men in the same manner that some men use women) she’s acting, and thinking like a man in respects to love.

3.       Gotta do whatcha gotta do: Sex as a means of substance and immediate gratification. Sex without emotion.  Defensive self-devaluation justifies their sensation-driven life. Propaganda validates their actions (i.e. what they see in the videos and what they hear in the music). Sexual behavior is (in their minds) a legitimate means to ‘making it’. They disassociate themselves from their bodies and the possibility of a finding authentic love.

This can be applied to both African-American women and men. There are just as many African-American men who ‘slang’ the ‘D’ as a means of paying rent, getting clothes, gifts and having a place to lay their heads.

African-American men and women share a mutual level of disrespect towards one another. They demonstrate continual disrespect, contempt, mistrust and ridicule towards each other; yet find ways to blame these dysfunctional attitudes towards everyone else. I read in this book that 43.3 percent of black men and 41.9 percent of black women in American have never been wed.  And this is not to say that being married is the know all end all to the problems that plague black people, but it speaks volumes of how African-Americans find it difficult to get along with one another.

Now, we can debate the many theories and reasons why we’re experiencing such issues within our communities. We can even go so far as to assume that in being with a mate of another ethnicity that we’ve somehow ‘upgraded’ in the model of lovers we’ve chose. But to me personally one of the REAL reasons why we’re not marrying or being serious about marriage to one another is the FACT that we spend more time finding fault with one another than we do within ourselves. We sub-consciously engage in this ‘battle of the sexes’ finding any and every reason we can point fingers and lay blame on the opposing parties.

When will WE realize that our choice in mate determines the type and level of love we’ll share?

Why is Michael Vick Still on Trial?

 

Some coworkers of mine and I where engaged in a llllooonnnnngggggg drawn out conversation the other day about Mr. Vick. I think we started talking about him when we saw a FAUX News flash talking about his desires of someday becoming a dog owner again. Now, I personally don’t have a problem with the man owning a dog again; I feel that if he’s learned his lesson about his mis-doings in the past its time to move on. He served 2+ years in Prison, and has completed countless volunteer man hours with the local ASPCA so honestly, there’s nothing else (IMHO) that he can learn about the mistakes he made. But what struck me as interesting (yet not surprising) was that one of the guys suggested that he ‘take his time’ 0_o? He suggested that he start out owning cats first and then work his way up to dogs, as if theres some sort of animal structure of worth linked to their species. Another guy then played of that Bvsh!t comment and suggested that he be forced to wait to a specific age before he become LEGALLY eligible to be classied as a pet owner. And that he must endure a trial period of two years (similar to probation) where he’s forced to fill out a series of paperwork, producing documentation of vet visits, show his work hours and how much times he’s spends with ONE DOG! He even took it so far as to suggest that the an have frequent visits with such famous animal care givers as Cesare Milan the Dog  Whisperer Victoria Stilwell the animal behaviorist.

Whiskey, Tango, FoxTrot People! Who are WE (the many of us who don’t have a life) to tell this man that his ‘dog-ownership’ card should be permanently revoked or placed on multi-year restriction? Don’t get it twisted, I consider myself an animal rights advocate, and a dog lover. I grew up with dogs, cats, birds, turtles, fish, lizards, you name it. And each animal in my house hold was treated with love and care; BUT, I refuse too allow myself to be come consumed with sensationalized messiness much less entertained with the daily doings of Michael Vick.

I’ve seen the specials on Animal Planet, ran over and over and over again; show casing animal rescue shelters and foster car takers of ALL the dogs confiscated from Vicks property over two years ago. I’ve seen the women breaking down into tears when talking about how these dogs where treated, I even shed a tear or two for them my self (I have a heart). But I didn’t allow the images of the canine gladiators being extracted from their lanistas compound to cloud my better judgement.  I watched the interview they spoke of; and all he said was that ONE DAY, he’d like to be a reformed dog owner. Key word being ONE DAY! Not tomorrow, not next weekend, or twice on Sundays, just a plain and simple one day. He’s talked about how his works with the Humain  society has opened his eye’s to the wrongs of his actions past. And I understand this, because in my community (the black community) many of us don’t have a chance to fully see, much less understand the effects of such criminal activity on these innocent beings. Does this serve as a justifiable excuses for his actions? No! Because he and those in his company knew the consequences of these actions, and they knew what they where doing was not only wrong but illegal. But I can’t allow my love of animals to put me at odds with my common sense. Meaning I understood that the activities he par-took in  was both wrong and jail-time worthy,  but I didn’t dwell on it like some of these people are doing.

The same time and energy some people put into protesting his owning a dog again, can be put towards ending the human sex slave trade world wide.

The same time and energy some people put into protesting his owning a dog again, can be put towards ending ethnic cleansing and genocide in war torn parts of Africa and Asia

The same time and energy some people put into protesting his owning a dog again, can be put towards ending world hunger/famine

The same time and energy some people put into protesting his owning a dog again, can be put towards ending drug and gang violence here in the U.S.

The same time and energy some people put into protesting his owning a dog again, can be put towards finding solutions for green energy

The same time and energy some people put into protesting the fvck ups of those who serve in the house and senate (the real criminals), putting pressure on them to work together to find solutions to the problems this country currently face.

I’m sure I’ve made my point here. The point that constantly putting this man in the spot light, regurgitating the same non-sense over his past animal offenses it not only border line ‘obsessive but to me personally is psychotic. And for me, it demonstrates that these people have deeper issues with Vick (ahem) than the fact that he was fighting dogs. DOGS! Not pitting man against man in a fight to the death for his life, but DOGS!

He’s served his time for being found guilty, so I don’t understand why this man is still making head line news over dogs again? I don’t understand why these people want to continently see him being placed in a social supreme-court justice style ‘witch-hunt’ of personal opinions that demising his character based on the fact that he served time (2+ years) for orchestrating a dog fighting ring.

When will these people feel that he’s not only learned his lesson, but he’s paid his dues back to society and its time to let it go?

The Old ‘Ball and Chain”: Why a lot of Men find it difficult to Commit.

Before I even get started, I wanna make two things clear.

A. I’m not married. I’m currently dating but I have yet to settle down. Thus, I want everyone who reads this blog to understand that this is based on my personal opinions, in relation to things I’ve seen (and lived through) in my life time. These experiences and mistakes have assisted me in trying to formulate my hypothesis on what I think is one of the reasons why men are unable to commit or why we as women have problems finding men who’re willing to commit. Its not a scientific fact that can be backed with what every one else may assume to be ‘proof’; so any responses to this posting have no more bearing of ‘truth’ than my posting over all.

B. I want to give a new found friend of mine; Ms. Lydia Cotton on facebook credit for her contributions to this blog. She and I go at it at times based on our differences of opinions on specific topics, but I have to say these last two blogs she’s posted has opened the flood gates for some very frank and much needed discussion amongst some outspoken African Americans. That’s one of the reasons why I lover her page, because you meet so many different people with a variant of views on some of the same discussions we as a people have ‘regurgitated’ within our community, time and time again (and have done nothing to solve these said issues). So its a breath of fresh air to just say what’s on your mind while talking to like-minded people. But I digress from my ‘soap box’ ;)….sort of.

I’m not your wife…yet

One of the hot button issues she brought forward for discussion this past weekend touched on how many men (I’m addressing my brotha’s specifically) assume that its cool for a woman to perform what most of us would call ‘wifely duties’ with out being wed (or having any intentions of being married) to  the women they’re with. And I was intrigued, enlightened, and even delighted by some of the responses posted on this topic. Ms. Cotton wanted to know why our ‘brothers’ have yet to learn the difference between a girlfriend and a wife. And while demonstrating this dysfunction, they’re expecting their live-in girlfriends and ‘career finances’  to cook, clean, wash their drawers,while willing conducting around the clock ‘booty duty’.  She state that its insane to assume they’re entitled to such special treatment and that its not their women’s job per say to continue such actions unless he’s willing to do what Beyonce says and ‘put a ring on it’ i.e. UPGRADE HER!

In which, I have to agree, for the simple fact that if a man has been with a woman more than 3+ years, I  honestly feel there’s no longer a need to try and figure out if she’s ‘the one’ for you. Technically after three years of living together you should  have already figured that out by now. Going home/waking up to the same person for three years+ to me is (IMHO) quite some time to spend with a woman or man day in/day out. And by this time you should know if this woman or man is the soul mate you’ve been seeking. Unless you know within your heart of hearts that you’re just settling for anyone just to be able to say you have someone (or something to do). In which, that’s fowl and any man or woman who does so either lacks the esteem to need to see themselves as worthy of being engaged in a relationship or marriage to someone who loves them for who they are; or they’re just plain selfish, and don’t deserve the effort their parter is putting into making things work.

A friend of mine once told me that one of his ‘boys’ was giving explicit details of the intimate relationship he currently shares with his live-in girlfriend. Stating that her sex was phenomenal, she could cook, clean and does all the things he’s looking for in a woman; yet he doesn’t see himself being married to her. When my friend asked why if she was everything he wanted in a wife? and his reply was that she’s not a ‘dime’ (meaning she’s not a 10 on a scale of 10). Her looks are mediocre at best and not what he could envision himself being seen with in the near future. Thus, he was waiting for something ‘better’ to come along. And I’ve known of men doing this; holding onto the pageant runner up, until he can have his shot at Mrs. America. And ladies, this is some of the reasons why some men will live with you as if he was your husband, and not be serious about putting  a ring on your finger. I hate to say it, but its possible that he honestly doesn’t see you as his future wife/mother of his children.

The Three Year Plan

A sure sign that this may be the case is when you bring up the subject of engagement/marriage, the same excuses he used the first time you talked about it are the same excuses he’s using 3 to 6 years from that date. If he keeps saying he wants to save money for a ring and home purchase (which is fine, I understand the need to provide) ask him to show YOU what steps he’s taking to save money or what budget he’s maintaining to achieve that financial goal that he’s set for himself. Ask him what are his goals for the two of you and what he’s doing to ensure he reaches those goals within a specific set time. I understand that things don’t always go as planned (he may get laid off/fired, he may become ill or seriously injured, even crippled) but he has to show you that he’s on the grind doing what it takes to ensure the two of you live comfortably. This is if  financial stability his ‘true’ motives for not being married. But the two of you should make this agreement clear prior to even taking the relationship from friendship to marriage. Ask that he up date you on the progression he’s making (i.e. allow you to see statements, or have access to his budget). If you’re going to be his future wife, you should be able to see these things anyway (because he trust you right?). He can’t keep telling you that he wants to save money for your marriage; yet keeps making big purchases, spending money going out to eat, buying clothes and going drinking with his buddies. If he can spend hundreds of dollars on pay per view sports events and ball game tickets, and purchase the latest high tech gadgets then he can also be disciplined enough to put that money towards securing a ring, or the down payment on a home.

DO KEEP IN MIND! I’m not advising that you constantly hassle the man about his money (that can drive him to leave you over all), but I do advise that every now and again you both share that open line of communications about your future plans. Find time that both you and your potential spouse can sit down and discuss what it is that you both desire from one another currently and in the future. And IF HE’S SERIOUS about having you in his life, he won’t have a problem having this discussion. But, this is just my honest opinion.

Stop Fighting

Some men will constantly make it a point to find something wrong with you! As if everything you do is some how contributing to his delinquency in making your union official (I’ve seen this time and time again). When ever you try and talk to him about what’s the status of your relationship; he’ll start an argument to keep from talking about the subject of marriage. This is a defense mechanism that some men incorporate into avoiding the topic over all. When ever you two always fight about marriage (every time you bring it up) its because he’s not planing to get married, plain and simple. Even if he keeps making up the same excuses are get uneasy and upset when you even talk about it, let him go. Let him gone and find what it is he’s looking for because he’s honestly not looking for it from you. You found him, you’ll find someone else. But IF YOU DO LEAVE, do not let this dude sweet talk his way back into your pants. Do not jump at his becking call and do not allow yourself to be sucked into believing that he’s ‘trying’; because there’s a big difference in ‘trying’ and actually ‘doing’. Meaning he’s either trying by demonstrating what steps he’s taking to make this ‘dream’ a reality, or he’s ‘trying’ to stall for time to keep from being married.

He loves me, He loves me not

I personally can’t stand (and won’t stand for) being with someone who I’m wondering if he loves me or not. I feel that’s a waste of both my time and his. And the advice of comedian Steve Harvey (may you agree with his advice or not) stated in an interview demonstrates teachings that most men should either have at a young age, or give to young men within their communities. He stated that he personally tells his sons that there comes a time in a mans life when he must know what it is he desires for himself in life, love and relationships/marriage. Again, I agree with this, because far to often we see both men and women hopping back and forward between various lovers or the same lover, unable to commit, unable to stay faithful and unable to decide who’s best for them. I’ve personally witnessed men string along women who’re head over heals in love with them, by making empty promises followed by lame excuses as a means of feeding her a ‘hope sandwich’. She gets lost within herself (doing everything to ‘get right’) by eating spoon fulls of the ‘mess’ he feeds her. She’s been duped into believing that some day he’ll realize the diamond he’s found in her amongst Rhinestones he ‘knocks dow’ and finally hop the broom. But what she doesn’t realize is that he’s only telling her what he knows she wants to hear, and giving her just enough to keep her coming back to him (He don’t want her, but he don’t want anyone else to have her). You should not be in a relationship with a man who makes you wonder if he loves you or not. Actions (in my opinion) speak louder than words. If he can show you he loves by communicating with you, trusting you, respecting your union by not cheating, or flirting with other women, or even spending quality time with you and talking about his plans, then you have a winner. But if he demonstrates the inability to do either of these things, he’s no more worried about being committed to you than he’s worried about the price of tea in China.

Men believe that they have a variant of options when it comes to potential mates (in which to be honest we all do). There are several billions of single individuals in this world who’re seeking permanent love and affect. But something I’ve learned about most men is that men are not afraid to step outside the ethnic boundaries and marry, or have sex with women who don’t look like them. Thus, they’ve unknowingly in most cases incorporated the ‘many fish in the sea’ philosophy to their dating and mating habits. And this is one of the contributing factors to why men feel no pressure to commit to one woman. They believe that because its in a man’s nature to procreate, they can and should really roam and sow their ‘royal oats’. For them there is not biological clock ticking (it isn’t for me either) as much as women assume it is for them. So there’s no need, no rush and no pressure to be with you and you only. Thus, I feel that women should start incorporating the same ‘fishy’ philosophy in their dating lives. Stop getting hung up on a man who’s married already (if he cheats on his wife he’ll cheat on you, and he’s not leaving his wife and kids for you), leave the thugs alone (they already have ‘bags’ that are too heavy for you to carry) and stop assuming that the only ‘good man’ is a ‘godly’ man. There are men who don’t practice the same faith (or maybe even none at all) but make suitable mates. A man will travel over seas or even purchase a mail order bride for both connivence and love. Where as women are stuck in staying traditionally specific to their ethnicity and nationality; in which I think we as women should be open to dating and marrying ‘something new’. Hell, I’m about to go and pick up me a Geriod Butler  or Hugh Jackmen as ssssooonnnnn as I get my school money LOL.

But these are just my thoughts, not fact nor fiction, thus what I think about the subject………

Woman to ‘woman’

A friend of mine was exposing to me the real reason why she’d left her husband. Because everyone was under the mistaken impression that she’d left him for another man. Well, she was talking to another man, but that wasn’t the full story.

She explained that she was starting to receive some ‘strange’ and odd calls to her house in the middle of the night from what sound like a woman. She stated that one time the ‘woman’ on the other end of the phone waited for a few seconds before yelling the word ‘BITCH’ and hanging up the phone. Now, most women would get heated, wake up her husband from his sleep and perform a reverse look up to the phone number to get the home address of the person who made the call. But, my friend being the cool and level headed woman she is decided that she would wait. She would wait patiently and allow her husband the time and opportunity needed to ‘hang himself’. Because every time men cheat the always get caught. It never fails, they do something stupid like make charges to their credit card to a hotel room at 3am in the morning or their mistress ends up confronting the man’s wife; because he’s telling her that he’s going to leave and wife and kids for her (giving her false hope and stringing her along with promises of future commitment). Thus the saying what’s done in the dark will come to light.

But my friend knew that eventually this ‘man’ would be forced to come clean because his ‘side line’ hoe was ready to come off the bench and become starting lineup. As time marched on, she would observe him leave the room when taking a call (talking really low to where she couldn’t hear his conversation). He would tell her he was going one place and when she would call to check and see if he was there and no one had seen him. Of course his buddies would lie for him; because they follow that ‘bro’s before hoe’s creed’. Again, she knew he would hang himself. But she never said a word. She never told anyone anything out of the ordinary was going on. She even continued their sex life (increase it); put is ass to sleep so she could conduct her own personal Top Secret Security Clearance investigation to collect data for future evidence (it wasn’t hard, he was having sex with two women, so you know his dog ass was tired).

She stated that while she was getting ready for work one day, as she exited her home she observed this Toyota Camry parked in her drive way. Clean too ya’ll, pearl cream color finish with gold trim, sitting on dubs, ‘butta’ cream seats, sun roof so the wind can blow through a freshly sown weave. And there was a woman inside the car, with this smirk on her face.  My friend stated that as she observed this woman exit the vehicle, she said to herself (this is the b!tch that’s been calling my house). My friend gathered her composure as the woman with a high waterfall drop style weave, multi-colored acrylic nails, cheap stilettos, wearing an outfit one size too small approached to house. The woman gives this big shit eating grin and asked my friend if she knew who she was? Of course my friend being the cynical and sarcastic Virgo she is replied ‘No, please, explain’.

The woman goes into the spew about how her husband has been having an affair with her for a little over 2 years. And that she and her husband have a child together that he’s planning on leaving her to take care of. Any other woman would have had an emotional break down and lost all control, but not my friend (I love this chick because she’s a solider). So my friend breaks it down for this woman, because this child woman has yet to understand the position she’s placed herself in. In which my friend explained to her how she’s a single mother of a child that she’s had from a married man (a man that will more than likely never see himself living life with her). And that no matter how cute she thinks the situation is, she’s nothing more to this man but a ‘jump off’. My friend explains that she already knew that her husband was having an affair and that she’s already taken the appropriate steps to initiate the separation/divorce so that her husband may be ‘free’ to explore the deepest and darkest corners and slums of the projects. Needless to say, after all was said and done, my friend found the strength and courage to officially issue her now ex husband his divorce papers, move out (purchasing her own home) and find someone new.  So I thought of my friend (and all the other women out there enduring similar trials) when I saw this video.

To all my sista’s (and brotha’s) out their dealing with a spouse who chooses to be unfaithful to you with someone of lesser stature, I dedicate this Def Poetry session to you.

The Thickness…..

Curvaceous, voluptuous, thick, ‘phat’, Bootylicious, ‘junk in the trunk’. These are examples of descriptive adjectives that have been used to describe me…

“All that wagon you draggin” and “baby got back”; even the overly expressive ‘GOD DAM!” reaction that leads to the screwed up face and clutching of privates; are all reactions and cliché’s I’ve had to deal with throughout my life. At one point in time, it was so bad that I would literally dress in my brother’s clothes to hide what shape I had during puberty.

I can recall a horribly embarrassing moment at a water park, that cause me to expose the ‘TA’ I’d strategically hidden under-neither an over sized ‘Kid n Play’ concert t-shirt. I wasn’t permitted to enjoy the twist and turns of the ‘Raptor Rapids’ water slide unless I removed my t-shirt from over my revealing one peace swim suit.

“Ma’am, you can’t use this slide unless you remove your shirt”. The slide over seer barked.

Humiliated, I looked behind me to see who all was waiting for me to become completely exposed with nothing between elements and my bare skin but a swim suit that hardly covered my ‘caboose’. It was ‘Hell‘ Degrees in Texas heat, and it got even hotter as my face was flushed by a wave of embarrassment. If I were any lighter you would have seen me blush. All eye’s where on me because no one could go down the slide until I removed my shirt. And there was this long ‘ass’ line of people waiting for their turn to cool off.  As soon as I revealed my mahogany treasures, I could over hear people making comments about my ‘wagon’ and ‘twin peaks’.  One woman made the comment “how can a girl so young have so much @$$?”

To this day, I’ve yet to figure out what it is about the ‘tender loin’ that causes a man to lose all composure. Even cause some women to be tempted to take a bite? What is it about the curve of the hips, and the arch in a ‘sista’s’ back-side that makes a man wanna halla when she ‘shakes it for a dolla’?

LOL, I had to laugh to my self with that one.

I think it has a lot to do with the hyper-seuxal exploitation of the African woman female anatomy that leaves many visually and physically stimulate at the site of cheeks. It even causing many women today to undergo dangerous cosmetic enhancement alterations; in attempts to achieve a look that’s natural for women of African heritage.

During a conversation with a homegirl,  she explained to me how she views her body. Now, this young woman has a very cute shape; everything on her is properly proportion to her physic. Beautiful is what I and many of my friends use to describe her; but for some strange reason, she expressed to us that she feels incomplete 0_o? She feels that because she doesn’t support the ‘ba-dunk-a-dunk’ she’s somehow not comfortable with her size. She feels that if she was somehow stacked like Serena Williams, she would demonstrate the physic of a woman who’s physical fit, fertile, and sexually alluring. I didn’t understand, because to me personally I know of women who’re dying (literally) to be her petite size 2, but she desires to have a rear end so big, that a man would be able to sit his drink on it and she would never even know it was there.  And she’s not the only one who’s said this. Because I’ve heard plenty of women say they desire to have the wagon I’m draggin;, but when I look at them and wish I was their size.

This obsession with the booty, makes women spend thousands of dollars (and some men) to increase the circumference of their ‘rump-roast’. Women are having portions of feminine fat removed from their mid-sections, breast, arms, upper thigh, even lips, and hips; to be relocated to their apple bottoms. Padded panties complete with strategically placed ‘hips’ are flying off the shelves of Fredric of Hollywood like hotcakes to assist in giving the illusion of having a Beyoncé silhouette.  For most men I’ve talked to, skinny is out, and thick chicks are in. Booty, chi-chi’s, puckers, and curves have taken over the big screen and the waif look of yester year is being slowly phased out with the new ‘big girl’ confidence of today.

I’m actually happy about this. Because I’m starting to feel that having an abundance of ‘hot cakes’ is not as bad as I thought it was. I’ve even noticed many men of various races are taking notice to my theralbreed stature.

The future of 'sexy'

The Beam in My Eye

A friend of mine contacted me via email back in 2005 while I was still living in Japan. We’ve known one another every sense Jr. High back in  my home state of Texas. Both she and I were Navy, I joined a year after she did. And we would keep in touch with one another off and on from time to time. Well, my mother told me that she’d passed my contact information to her after relocation, because she’d found that my friend was stationed not to far from me in Maryland. I was happy, because I was still new to the state, and I hadn’t yet made friends. So we exchanged a few emails, but for some strange reason she was scared to meet with them. I didn’t understand why, because this was someone who I’d known for the majority of my life. She disclosed to me that she was afraid to meet with me, because she was living life as a lesbian (she had a girlfriend). She was still active duty Navy, but she was unable to simply be her self, due to the military polices that exclude homosexuals of serving openly.  She stated that she’d cried herself to sleep that night when she told me, because she feared I would no longer speak to her after disclosing such personal information. But I wanted her to understand that how she lives her life, had no bearing on the her being an extended member of my family.

Now, I know what the bible says about homosexuality. How its an abomination, its ‘nasty’, wrong and can earn you a one way ticket to hell. In which (based on my faith) I feel that in many ways it may. But I have to understand that I myself am not perfect. There are ‘such things’ in my life, wrong doings that I’ve committed that can earn me a seat on that bus departing for gates of Hades if I’m not careful. Once I spoke to my friend briefly via email, she explained that it was such a relief for her to see the words ‘who am I to judge’ in the text of my response. she stated that gesture of kindness and humility from me, reassured her that there are still ‘good’ people in this world whom really embodies the teachings of Christ. Meaning they accept people for who they are as individuals, and not make them feel as if they must be spiritually ‘perfect’ to be accepted. It’s amazing to me, how Christ could walk amongst thieves, beggars, con-artist and prostitutes, and still show them the love of god free of making them feel as if non-repentance meant immediate death. His humility made him classy; because he never engaged in garbage. he never spoke words of slander, he never cast harsh judgment, and he never made anyone feel as if they where undeserving or unworthy of the love of our father.  And because he was so peaceful he was able to walk amongst those whom society had already cast to hell prior to judgement, and steering them towards the righteous path.

Why can’t all ‘Christians’ be like Jesus?

Why is it that so many people whom dawn their armor in the Army of the Lord our father, spend more time condemning people who don’t live life the way they think they should, than they do trying to lead by example?

For me personally, I don’t judge anyone on how they chose to live their lives. I make the decision to involve myself with them based heavily on how they treat people, how they treat themselves, and how they view life. Meaning are they positive in thought process? do they give the same respect they expect to receive? Are they hard-working, dedicated to their craft and motivated (do they motivate others? I learned that at times the vessels in which god’s words and blessings are shipped don’t always arrive in the ‘containers’ we expect to see them in. I may not approve of their life style, I may not find it to be something that I personally would give into, but I don’t have to look upon them as if they’re ‘trash’ or waste because I personally chose the walk of Christ. I feel that in showing humility (being Christ like) towards those whom I deem as being misguided, I can show them what it means to live abundantly in his grace. If he can forgive us for our sins (paying the price) why is it so difficult for us to forgive one another?

I’ve had the chance to travel to various parts of the world and meet people from all walks of life. I’ve met people whom gave the persona of being the true embodiment of what it means to have a covenant with god. Only to find they where as phony as a 2 bill. On the flip side of that, I’ve met people whom engaged in premarital sex, gay/lesbian, drank, smoke, and curse like a sailor; yet some of the most straight forward, ‘real’, and truthful people you’d ever meet. Because the know who they are, and they’re truthful to themselves. They don’t have to put up false pretenses; or do things to be indoctrinated into group think. So these imperfect people tend to me more acceptance of who they are as an individual, living life free of pressure to prove they can walk on water.

I ask that by no means people take this as I’m an advocate for homosexuality, or that I think it’s cool to be a drunken fornicator. But I just wonder what makes some ‘believers’ feel they’re so perfect, that they can judge those who aren’t?

Almost a Lost Cause

My sister and I was laughing at the good old days of our childhood. Acknowledging that if we’d known back then what we know to today, we’d done things a little bit different in our lives. But we had to giggle childishly at one instance with her and I that caused us to get the @sswhipping of our lives.  At times when we where younger she would drive me crazy with wearing my clothes, knowing dam well they where to big. Well, she and I got into a fight over this wind-breaker that I purchased when my flag team placed 2nd during a state competition. The disagreement got so heated, that soon the cursing insults where traded with slaps and punches; and my father happen to over hear the verbal and physical exchange. After being rewarded with several lashes across the @$$, having the jacket being removed from my closet, and two weeks of having to stare at one another’s ugly mug in the same room, I realized that fighting over that jacket wasn’t really that serious.

My father told us that day that no matter what worldly possessions, how much money we have, or what paths our lives in the future would take us, all we would really and truly have in this world was

1. God

2. The love of our family

3. Pride and self respect

Now as kids, hearing his words of wisdom meant nothing at the moment. Because the only thing that was important to me was me taking all my belongings and moving them from my little sisters reach. But it wasn’t until I left home and joined the service that I started to really and truly understand his message. After traveling to various parts of the world and seeing the plight of those who’re forced to do without, I realized what bearing my fathers words had in my life. And I realized that the ‘little’ things that kids worry about today, here in the U.S. are nothing compaired to the more important issues that are detrimental to the lives of those whom live outside of our comfort zone here in the U.S.

The kids of day have no direction. They have no real grasp of self-respect, pride and dignity in my personal opinion. This is not to say that all of them conduct themselves in such a fashion, but I observe these ‘youngsters’ in their natural state, and I a generation of lost souls. Young and impressionable minds that are more consumed with the latest fashion, catchy hooks and degrading verses, internet porn, money, and in most cases sex. School yards today can become one of two things, a fashion show, or a crime scene. Classrooms are no longer a scholastic environment; because they’ve been transformed into breeding grounds for juicy gossip, and stereotypical characters. Our youth have no direction! They have very little to no parental counsel, because parents of today have reversed the roles of parent, to close friends. Fathers are no longer being men and raising their children, and mothers seem to spend more time chasing a man than they do finding good men to teach their sons how to be one.

But are they a lost cause?

Do we turn our backs on them and chalk them up to being a generation of shiftless, lazy, unappreciative ingrates whom desire nothing more in life than to have a “Miss Becky” or a “Sponsor”? Or do we as people whom was raised by ‘big ma’am’ and crazy “uncle Joe” ; take them by the hand and show them the way? If you even ask some (most) of these young men what they aspire to be, you hear either

A. a professional ball player

B. a rap star

0_o? When does it end? when will these youngsters pull up their pants, put on some clothes that fit, put down the cell phones, log off the internet  and realize that if they don’t do something now to improve their future tomorrow, they will be a ‘lost cause’.

Well, what’s wrong with you?

I recently read on one of my favorite blog sites a posting that addressed the plight of single African American Women’.  And during this blog this guy rambles on about the infamous 70% of African American women who’re single (no thanks to Oprah); and the ever looming issue of ‘good black men’ being either gay and/or incarcerated. And it’s fine to address these ‘issues’ within the African American community. Because the only way you’ll change them is if you face them, am I right? But why has it become the latest and greatest ‘hot button’ topic of debate?

This ‘topic’ has gained so much attention that it’s even becoming debated and deliberated overseas in the UK and parts of South and Central America; where black men are now raking in the frequent flyer miles seeking future wives. There was even an article (or blog) addressing this issue titled ‘Do black Men Prefer Dominican Woman over American Women?” on The Fly Guy Chronicles

(http://www.flyguychronicles.com/2010/02/do-black-men-prefer-dominican-women-over-their-own/)

And in Essence.   But with the entire buzz amidst our ears of why 42 to 70 percent of black women are unwed, one must wonder where is all this coming from? Why is it now such an issue that women (mainly black women) are not hopping the broom? Is it because in finding fault with black women; it’s somehow takes the burden of ‘fault’ off black men?

Now I know as children we’re taught that our sole purpose in life is to grow up, get married, have kids, living in the white house on the hill, with the white picket fence, dog and cat and a (black) husband that ‘brings home the bacon’. We’re taught that we’re not to even consider having a child out of wed lock, or even thinking twice about engaging in a relationship with a woman. We’re taught that dating or marrying a man who’s not black (much less having their children) will bring disgrace upon our father’s family name and that it’s strongly recommended that we be wed prior to magic age of 30 (to a black man). And I know I’m not the only woman whom received these lessons in life from my parents and elders as a child.

 But, what if life doesn’t happen that way?

What if you decide that having a family prior to age 30 is not for you, much less making the decision to never have a family or be addressed by the title of Mrs.?

What if you, being the strong, successful, independent and educated ‘diva’  that you are decide that going to school, earning your degree, purchasing your own home and establishing your ‘Queendom’ first is what’s best for you in the here and now;  and then finding a ‘man’ later on in life?

Does that mean something is wrong with you, because you don’t live the ‘cookie-cutter’ predestine life that has been established for you based on your race and sex?

Does this mean that you’ve gone against the grain and have unknowingly participated in a revolt against a preferably conservative life style for ‘successful’ black women?

What if you decide that you love a man who’s skin tone doesn’t match yours? Do you marry him because you love him, or do you let him go because he’s not the right hue?

What if you’re lesbian? What if your heart belongs to a girlfriend who’s now your ‘girlfriend’? Since you’re union doesn’t count (assumed) before God and (legally) before the courts of law, have you failed in life as well?

I sometimes sit back and listen to people talk out the side of their necks on this issue, and I wonder ‘who determines if a woman is living her life right’? Why is our society more obsessed with a (black) woman’s material status, than it is doing something about the more serious issues that plague our streets? Not every single black woman is dying to have a ring on her finger; much less sharking the streets looking to consume someone else man like fresh chum. So many social-psycho analyst and scientist, doctors, and literary professors are increasingly joining the ranks amongst the plethora of talk show host, internet bloggers and shoppers in line at ‘Bloom’ grocery store pitching their two cents in as of to why I’m single.

And its honestly amazing to sit back and watch the spectacle of three ring antics that comes forward with people voicing their own opinions as of to why black women are finding it so much more difficult to find a lifelong partner, than that of our sisters of other races.  Who says it’s more difficult for us though? What if we’re just not as egger to become wed (and soon after divorced) as other woman? What if its a subconscious, subliminal satellite uplink being downloaded into the celestial of all women of African descent on a separate frequency, that’s telling us to wait!  What if god as has a commercially reserved antenna that transmits a beaconing to ‘sista’s that he’s working on sending the right man for them their way, and that she must patiently wait his arrival? For when he does find her, their wave lengths with have the same digital signature that syncs his transmitter to her receiver, letting them know that they’re a perfect match? 

The clowns  that ride their unicycles and juggle their personal reasoning’s for choosing not to date/marry black woman are nothing more than mere side show freaks; being used at their expense for the amusement of any other race of people whom speak negatively about African Americans.  These black ‘men’ don’t understand that every time they cut black women down and call us our names they aid in the ‘tom foolery’ that makes us look like the baboons depicted in black face menstrual shows. They feed into the common misconceptions about all black women;  that has spread like a common cold from one thought process to the next, worldwide. Not all of us are rude, aggressive, loud, fake (fake hair, nails, eyes, shoes, clothes and accessories), ‘boujetto’, fat, unattractive, ugly to the bone and manless. We don’t all look and sound like Rasputia of Eddie Murphy’s blockbuster flop “Norbit”;  we’re not all video ‘hip hop honey’s like Melisa Ford, or Buffy the Body (with an abnormally large rear end) ; We don’t all have numerous babies from differ men, on government assistance with high blood pressure, sugar diabetes living in section 8 housing.  So there’s no need for our brotha’s to fly half way across the world to find a ‘good woman’.

All these negative stereotypes, insults, cut downs, verbal assaults and generalizations hurt. When I see these negative images, hear these bone cutting words being used to describe my grandmother, mother, sister, niece, cousins, close friends and myself; it causes me to become withdrawn within myself.

 My sister ‘s whom gain a few pounds after giving birth to a future king or queen covers herself for fear of being seen as unattractive, used goods.

My sister who’s educated, god-fearing and down to earth comes to the realization that in order to find her place next to her king, she must be seated as queen next to a man who’s not of her own people.

 My sister who’s struggling to make ends meet, due to a lack of support from the father of her child assumes the role of being ghetto, loud, aggressive and in section 8. Why not? Why be any other way when it’s already assumed that this is who she is?