Please, Leave the Bags Where They Belong (In the Past)

“It takes a strong woman, to deal with an emotionally weak man…..” Ms. Lillie May Harris (R.I.P)

I think it was about a year ago when one of my ‘constitutes’ and I happened to cross paths with a woman he’d known for quite some time. she was a cute woman, mild mannered and from what I could tell had a very sweat personality. Well, I wasn’t paying to much attention to what she and my friend where talking about, until I noticed that her whole demeanor changed when this other woman walked into the bar we where drinking at. She seemed as if she was angry and ready to fight upon the sight of this woman; but her attitude shifted from ‘ready to rumble‘ to shaking, crying and blowing snot bubbles.   Curious, I asked her what was wrong; because I hadn’t really heard the whole conversation; and she explained to me that she and the woman who’d just walked through the door where no longer friends, and that she’d also owed her $200.00. From what I’d gathered (based on what was intelligible between the huffing and puffing) she and this woman was at one time close friends and room mates; but things soon changed when a ‘man’ came into the picture.

See, the young woman sitting with us was at the time  ‘dating’ this one guy that both she and her former friend had a crush on. She was un-aware (based on what she told us) that her friend also liked the guy; prior to the two of them becoming involved. Now, when the young woman’s friend (the woman who’d just entered the bar) found out that the she and this guy where now an item, she not only refused to pay her the $200.00 she owed, but she moved out of the house they where renting, leaving her with all the bills.

Yea, sounds like the storyline for a premier move on The Life Time channel.

By this time, the young man in question walks up and starts to talk with my constitute; because they all know one another for way back. But the killing part about this whole debacle is not the fact that this woman whom I hardly knew was crying on my shoulder, but the fact that this dude is bragging about how he’d split up two best friends. It tickled his funny bone to know that he’d told ‘sweet nothings’ to one girl (the woman who’d just walked in) promising her that he cared deeply for her in an attempt to get some @$$, even though he was not attracted too her, all while sneaking and creeping with her best friend. Not only that, but he starts bragging about how the girl blowing the snot bubbles was better in bed and that he was only with her for the sex (going into explicit detail).

Now, any woman who’d heard such a sleazeball tell such a story would be ready to go off and give him a piece of her mind. But I wanted to take a different approach to the situation. I wanted to find out why he felt it was cool to play these two women against one another (no matter how gullible they may be). This guy goes into this story about how when was in high school; he had his heart broken by this one girl who cheated on him with a close friend. He stated that from that day forward he’d made a promise to himself that any woman who crossed his path would never get his love, affection and attention; based on what he’d felt after breaking up with this young woman. OVER 10 years prior to this incident. By this time I’m about ready to tell him to take a long walk on a short pier; but I allowed his arrogance to continue the conversation. Hoping that he would hear how silly he sound. He stated that he has no real ‘love’ for women, and that (no thanks to ol girl from 10 years ago) when it comes to relationships, he feels no need to engage in one much less waste time entertaining any woman seeking one. Thus, he tells women what they wanna hear, so that they’ll give him what he wants (sex, money, gifts, food, etc) and he keeps moving.

The conversation I had with him was no different than conversations I’d had with other men, from various background,  from a variant of social/economical classes and within the hues of numerous skin variations. And one thing that most of these men had in common with being womanizers was the fact that almost all of them had some woman in their past break their hearts. This cause for mistreatment lead to an effect of breaking the hearts of any woman who dare show him affection and ask for it in return. This is what I (as well as many social-psychotherapist) call ‘Emotional Baggage’.

When people hear this term, or any terms that involved the word ’emotional’ they automatically think women or ‘females’. There’s this common misconception that only women carry these ‘bags’ based on past abusive relationships , the lack of a father figure (or an abusive father), or low-self esteem. And to be honest, these ideas and opinions are actually issues that contribution to the emotional and/or psychological dysfunction of some women. But what I mean when I say ‘misconception‘ is that these same people mistakenly assume that men do not carry ‘bags’. They think that because most men internalize a lot of their past hurt and anger, they’ve somehow majestically over come the transgressions of others and have moved on (never looking back or reflection upon what happened). This is due to this ‘idea’ that men are supposed to be tough and suck it up, internalizing all emotions and keep on trucking. And they do internalize hurt, which in most cases leads to them carrying on in such a manner as a means of finding an outlet for the pinned up aggressions. Well, its been my experience that this couldn’t be any further from the truth. And my interaction with this man (and many other men) proved other wise.

he expalined to me that he would never get ‘caught’ like that again. And that it was his persoanlly mission to get back at EVERY woman possible to make him feel better about what this ‘ghost of girlfriends past’ had done to him.

“I love it, its gives me pleasure to know that I’m hurting someone the same way I was hurt by that b!tch! And you can get it too if you’re not careful….” He replied. Knocking his beer back while winking his eye at me.

I had to assure him that men who suffer from past trauma are not my type for starters and two, I would have to be a fool to fall for him after he disclosed such a ‘brilliant plan’ for the rest of his life. Fools who rush into such non-sense have a lack of understanding in a few things:

A. No two women are the same: We may have wants, needs and desires that are parallel, but we’re not the same person.  These two women had nothing to do wit the woman from his past, so they where unsuspecting of the fact that they’re being made to answer for someone else actions. Men who see all women with the same pare of goggles (this goes for women as well) are the men who’re unable to let go of what happened to them with one woman (or many women). They refuse to take responsibility for what wrong they may have carried out while dating/engaged/married by finding any way possible to conveniently link all faults and problems back to the woman.Thus, they associate all of her negatives to every woman whom seeks to engage in a relationship with him.

B. Making any new women ‘pay’ does nothing to change the past; it only alters their future with a potential mate: While these men are doing any and everything they can to ‘get her’ before she ‘gets him’; they can’t grasp the concept that living in the past only blocks them from finding a virtuous woman in their future, the woman who just may be the one who can assist him in forgetting about the woman who hurt him. But, because he’s so busy trying to play the ‘Big Pay Back’ in his broken record of life, he’s trapped in between a world from his past, and the present. And in doing so he’s not allowing himself to move on from her, because he keeps reliving what he endured with her every time he hurts someone new.

And this is what I don’t get about people who make ‘good folk’ pay for the actions of  those who’re ‘bad’ by our definition. While you’re so busying trying to ruin everyone you come in contact with based on what happened to you while you where in high school or playing college ball, you keep traveling within these revolving doors of misery. Constantly reflection on how the $h!t went down vs. just learning the lessons you where suppose to learn from that person and letting go. Folks never realize that they’re giving power to those individuals who’ve possibly completely forgotten all about them. The time an energy SOME OF YOU GUYS waste on miss-using and abusing women (because someone did that to you) could be used towards building a better you. Meaning you learning how to communicate better with women/men, reflecting on what positive traits you’re seeking in the next girlfriend/boyfriend and learning from the mistakes you made when you where with the one who got away. Hurting innocent people (emotionally, psychologically, mental or physical)  does nothing to change the past. You’re probably the last thing on these peoples mind when they go to bed at night, yet YOU (the foolish one) becomes c0nsumed with thinking about this people every day.

C. How to Let GO!: News flash, you’re not the only one in this world who’s had their heart broken. The majority of the adult population at some point in time in thier lives have experienced heart break. And your situation is no more different than anyone else. What ever you went through with the one who broke your heart is possibly the same things someone else had endured with a past lover, and has moved on. We’ve all been there and done that!

D. What Goes around Comes back Around: You reap what you sow. And if you’re intentionally causing  ill will towards someone else, you will get that $h!t back worse than what you gave it. And trust me when I say I’ve not only had it happened to me, but I’ve seen it happen to other people in my life. Thus the saying ‘Do unto others as you would have done onto you’. You can desire with every fiber of your being to get back at someone, but I’ve found that the best revenge for anyone who’s hurt you is to do nothing at all. We as living, breathing beings have two friends, and their names are Karma and Fate. And when ever someone hurts you, steels from you, or tries to break your pride, they selfishly seal their faith with Karma to have someone do the same to them. These folks always find someone who’s just as mean-spirited, bitter, and resentful as themselves (and sometimes worse). And they end up eating a huge helping of humble pie in the process. This is why I’ve learned to let folks go when they walk out of my life. Let them go and find what ever it is they (think) they’re looking for; they’ll  find it, but it won’t be what they thought it was. My grandmother use to say,

“The grass is always greener on the other side, until you find out what it takes to fertilize it”.

I asked this young man if he’d seen or talked to this infamous woman that he’s yet to get over at almost 35 years of age. He’d replied that they’re ran into one another a while back, and that she was now married with kids. In which I had to point out to him that she’d moved on with her life (possibly had her heart broken a time or two) and is now settled down with someone who’s accepts and loves her. I wanted him to understand that he too could have that if he so desired; but he would have to give love a chance, AGAIN. He was going to have to stop dumping his ‘garbage’ on every new woman’s door step.

The two women who where fighting over him finally got smart and moved on. And from what I’ve been told, he’s still single, still using women, and still carrying them bags. Some folks never learn, until they find themselves alone in an old folks home.