DeityNyota

For Those Who Go Beyond Boundaries

Posts Tagged ‘wife

When Being Freaky is Being Plain Greedy

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Image I happend to run across this posting on a friends Facebook page that I frequent and stir the pot of controversy in from time to time.  The posting read

“I’m a 39 year old black man who’s so much in love with my wife… But at the same time I’m real freak…I have fantasize about having a threesome…how do I go about telling her.”

Keeping it PG here, he explained that she’s no longer providing the ‘spark’ that he’d once experienced upon meeting her many years back; and that he was contemplating adding an ‘additional member‘ to his team. In his mind, he felt that this would bring forward a newness of passion that would provide excitement to a rather dull love life. But, the new team member could only be coached by him! Since he was the team hitter, no one else (no other man) could step up to the plate and take a swing at his wife. “that’s me and mines” he proudly stated.

Here’s my take on this whole issue that men face when dealing with desires of new flesh.

I had to explain to him that its quite possible that he’s not the only one who’s think about a new member if that area of his marriage is lacking. Trust and believe there are times that his wife deals with pleasing him while sacrificing her own needs (and possibly thinking about something new). And I assured him (as well as many other men that’ve had this conversation with) that his spouse may not feel that his performance is all that great either. Thus she’s putting the same efforts into these lack luster sessions as he is. You get what you give. When ever your spouse feels that being with you becomes a duty, he/she will no longer feel a desire for intimacy. Because now it becomes one of those chores that we must do but really lack the time, patience or energy to complete.

You’ll experience this lack when YOU as their spouse fail to continue to do the same things you did to get them, as a means of keeping them. Drafting a new member to your husband and wife team does nothing but add complications to a situation involving two people who’s business should be kept amongst themselves. The bedroom is the sanctuary of a married couples love; that’s designed to nurture the intimacy they share between one another, contained within the vows they took before God unto each other. Their flesh has become one. And the last thing anyone (man or woman) should want to do is bring forward someone who’s values for love and intimacy may not be the same as yours, or that may bring added drama into your union.

I personally can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would want someone else to view first hand the dysfunction between them and their spouse? The most intimate details that should shared between the woman/man in which you’ve formed a covenant before God should be taken before God, not “Sugar” the shake dancer.

But I found it funny how he loved his wife so much; and she was everything he ever wanted in a woman; but he was unwilling to ensure that she was just as satisfied as he wanted to be. He couldn’t see how selfish he was in his desire for new flesh; using the cop-out that its in his nature as a man to want more than one lover. This ‘desire’ which is really greed was causing him to have a mental block, that was hindering his ability to see the sensuality in his wife. His self-proclaimed ‘freakiness’ was nothing more than a selfish justification to satisfy his lust for another woman. Because I’m sure he’s already got the woman he wants to introduce to his wife picked out. If he hasn’t already slept with her.

After an exchange of opinions, he finally admitted that he simply really wanted to leave his wife for another woman. Which is a classic case of someone thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.

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Dating Black Men! Is It Even Possible? (Part 1)

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I'll have "cream" in my coffee ūüėČ

I had a brief conversation with some friends a few days ago, about some of my past relationships. Of course the topic was about why I’m still single, which seems to be the story of my life when ever marriage is introduced as a topic of discussion.

Any-who!

One of my guy friends was under the impression that I’m the type of black woman who refuses to broaden my horizons and date men who’re not black. ¬†He assumed that I’m one of the black women who loudly profess in public when seeing an inter-racial couple about how I’m ‘standing in line’ waiting for a “good” black man; and that I’m tried of seeing white women steel what’s rightfully ours. In other words, he was stereotyping me. In which I had to quickly put him in his place and explain to him a few things about me that he doesn’t know.

A. I have and do date men of various ethnicities (not race, because we’re all one race, and that’s human). I find it more exciting to get to know a man who’s native language and ¬†homeland is different from mine, so that I may learn more about his heritage and language. Not to mention the fact that it sort of spices things up in the bedroom when trying new things with someone (something) different.

B. I don’t feel as if I own the “deeds” to the prime real-estate of a black mans personal/physical being. Black men are free to chose to date/marry/start a family with whom ever they see fit. The same as I and any other black women who choses to follow suit.

C. I stand in line to get my degree, get my car serviced, purchase goods, and pay for clothing, but I WILL NOT stand in line and wait for man. If anything I’ll ‘step outta line’ and go live life and allow my future husband to find me.

Now, since we got that out in the open and clearly understood.

Once we ¬†where back on topic and I addressed his ignorance in a dignified manner (being the Southern Bell that I am). ¬†I explained to my friends that I feel some of the reasons I’m still single is that its difficult for me personally to encounter a man (in most cases a black man) who doesn’t fell intimidated by my education, success, or goals and aspirations. And I know, some of you reading this may say that this sounds like the typical Angry Black woman rant, but let me explain.

I know not all black men fear an edcuated black woman

Brothas! I know not all of you have this unspoken rule that has been secretly appended to the ‘man code’ that forbids you from dating, marrying or starting a family with a woman who has a degree. I understand that some women tend to become more prideful of their titles (BA, MBA, PhD and DR) than they are their abilities to show love and compassion towards a man and children. And I clearly understand that some women get besides themselves and wear their ass on their shoulders when working in corporate America. In which I can agree with many of you that this is a turn off. What you own, what you can buy, how you look, or how much money you have in the bank means sh!t if you’re piss poor morally. And that goes for both men and women.

BUT! Some men (mainly black men) automatically disqualify me from being a potential girlfriend, wife, mother to their children; based heavily upon the fact that I’m educated and work in corporate America. They feel that I’ll spend more time and focus on career advancement, and making money than I will taking care of him, our family and our household. And I’ve had some black men tell me this to my face when they find what I do for a living or assume they know how much I make annually. Most of them who fail to see past my career and education and see me for me, in most cases are BLACK MEN! Men of various other races see my education as a plus and start to engage in conversation about their career goals, or my even my business ownership. Many black men I’ve met in passing tend to shy away from those topics and me over all.

I’m Natural

I’ve been officially weave and chemical free for about a year. I rock the Puff with the Afro pick and black fist. Black men see this, and feel that I’m a black panther, Angela Davis militant who’s down for the cause; ready to mother the revolution. Or they feel I’m a Black Power feminist, and refuse to get to know me for me. But, they’ll pass me up and hit on the hood-rat chicken head sitting next to me at the bar. Go figure

Black men Feel ‘We’ are wearing the pants (are at least we’re trying too)

I’ve found that a lot of black men feel that there’s the ‘shift’ in power when it comes to roles in relationships. Some black men feel that black women have become too independent, too ‘manly’ and refuse to play our roles and know our place. And I’ve been told by black men, that as a career woman, I wouldn’t know what my roles are in a relationship or marriage, thus I lack the knowledge to please a man. Which to them deems me unworthy of wearing the title wife, because they feel I wouldn’t take care of them the way they saw ‘big mama’ take care of grandpa, yet most of them where raised by single black women who took care of them. Black men feel that black women are trying to wear the pants and be the providers, caretakes, and heads of the household because

1. We make too much money

2. We’re too power hungry

3. We’re superficial

4. We want to take control

5. We’re more into titles ¬†and degrees

I had to stop listening to radio personality Michael Basiden, because for a while all most all of his dam show topics was about how black women don’t know how to let me lead. And after a while you get sick and tired of hearing the same mess being regurgitated by black men who fail to stay successfully married to one woman, or who find it difficult to experience happiness in a committed relationship. IF he had all the answers to what makes a happy, and healthy marriage, his ass would still be married.

But enough of ¬†that, that’s part two of this posting.

I’ve found in my past relationships, some of the most difficult one’s I was engaged in (that failed) was with black men whom felt I wasn’t doing my ‘womanly duties’ by proving to him that I was worthy of being his wife. In other words, I wasn’t allowing him to ‘get the milk’ with out paying for the cow. Most black men want a woman who’ll carry out all the choirs of what’s assumed to be ‘wifely duties’ (i.e. cook and clean, have sex when he desires, wash his dirty draws) with out pressuring them for a ring. Meaning, he wants a woman who’s stupid enough to do all the things that many assumed to be limited to a wife, with out him feeling tied to you legally. This way he gets a glimpse of what’s to come IF he ever decides to marry you, while still leaving himself open for Beyonce. So, he’s not married, but he has the benefits of having a submissive, feminine wife with out being legally bound to one woman. And when Beyounce say ‘Yes’ to his marriage proposal he can drop my ass like chicken fresh out of hot grease.

I don’t think so (that’s part two of this posting)

They Don’t wanna put in work

Some! Black men don’t want a woman who makes them work for what she’s got. Some! black men claim to want the women who’re wholesome, who’re not lose and morally standing, yet when they find that they still mess with the women who give it up easy. They want the women who’ll play house, while letting them be ‘the man’ in the relationship; but don’t want to make it right and put a ring on it. Unless she’s a dime piece. But then they get scared that she’ll lose her looks and figure after she gets married and has kids, so they figure they’ll keep her on the back burner while keeping a look out for that email from Beyonce.

I personally have found that when I’ve dated men who where not black, I honestly had none of these issues. WE had issues, but it was more along the lines of trying to figure out how we could keep in contact with me being deployed (or him being deployed) while active duty Navy. Or, we had issues with cultural differences, but never an issue with my level of education, if I was going to wash his clothes, or if I understood how to let a man be a man and lead me.

I was never made to feel as if my accomplishments where small in comparison to his, a negative trait that would ¬†keep me single, or that I was too independent; much less feeling the need to question my femininity if I’m not in the kitchen or the bedroom. But I have dealt with these issues when dating black men. The two most difficult relationships I’ve had was with black men. And I use to think that it was something in me choosing these types of men, since the saying goes you are what you attract. But I don’t know if this is the case any more. I’m about a half inch closer to giving upon being married and starting a family with a black man, because I wonder if this is what life with a black man will be like…